Saurons two rings.
First ring to rule them all,
first ring to find them
first ring to bring them all,
and in the darkness,
bind them.
Second ring to rule him
second ring to always find him
second ring to bring him
and in the marrigde,
bind him.
This is what really happened a long time ago. At the foot of Mount Doom the last army of men and elves are fighting against Saurons evil armies. The orcs are no longer a threat, but suddenly Sauron himself stands in front of them. None of the humans in the front are powerful enough to survive his deadly mallet. But as the hope fades, Sauron suddenly hears a voice from the entrance of Mount Doom.
"Sauron! Get back here! You haven't done the dishes!"
Sauron turns around for a little while, but then he starts to fight the humans and elves again. But then the voice returns, this time more powerful.
"SAURON! I SAID GET BACK HERE! YOU HAVEN'T DONE THE DISHES AND THE HOUSE LOOKS LIKE A PIG STY!"
Then Sauron turns around for the second time and shouts back:
"Honey. I'm in the middle of a battle here. And I'm not going to do the damned dishes! Today. You clean the house for once. And by the way: It's not a HOUSE! It's a damned VOLCANO! Is it so bloody hard to understand!"
"SAURON! IF YOU DON'T COME AND DO THE DISHES AT ONCE, YOU'LL BE SORRY!"
"Honey, I…….
"THE DISHES!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!"
"Yes honey."
Sauron walks back to Mount Doom like a huffed dog. As he enters the volcano, some of the soldiers cant stand it anymore. They burst out in laughter. One by one. One of the elves says with his most feminine voice:
"Look. I'm Sauron. I have to go and clean my volcano and do the dishes. I'm hell-scared of my wife and I obey her every wish."
Even more soldiers burst out in laughter. Just the noblest knights managed to withstand to laugh. But then Sauron appeared again in the entrance of Mount Doom.
"Who dear's to mock the mighty Sauron!" He shouted
Now none of the men could stop their laughter. Sauron was dressed with a flowered apron and yellow rubber gloves and he was holding a toilet-cleaner in his right hand. Their laughter made Sauron extremely mad. He started to walk towards them with steps so heavy that one step could have killed a Balrog. The laughter among the soldiers died as Sauron got closer. Everybody, except for a poor little elf, went silent. The elf hadn't seen Saurons "house-cleaning costume" yet. He suddenly noticed that he was the only one laughing.
"Eh, he's standing right behind me, right?"
The answer he got was the sight of an entire army nodding their heads. The elf slowly turned around and almost choked when he saw Sauron. He bearly managed to strangle his laughter. He got very red in his face. Sauron looked down at him.
" Are you laughing at me?"
The elf shook his head, but got redder in the face.
"So you are not laughing at my toilet-cleaner?"
The elf got more and more red, but shook his head again.
"And you are not laughing at my yellow rubber gloves?"
The elf looked more like a tomato than an elf and he bearly managed to shake his head another time.
"And I don't think you are laughing at my flowered apron? Do you?"
Small drops of blood actually came out of the elf's cheek, but he was able to shake his head one last time.
"Then I suppose you're not laughing at this either?!!" Sauron shouted and pulled it up so that everybody could see the backside of it. Now the elf couldn't stand it anymore. He bursted out in convulsive laughter and fell to the ground. He didn't manage to stand on his own two feet. On the bacside of the apron it stood with big red letters: "KISS THE COOK". Sauron got so mad that you could actually see his metal mask melting. He raised the toilet-cleaner:
"I'm gonna kill you, you son of a bith!!!"
But the elf couldn't stop laughing. He was going to be hit to death with a toilet-cleaner but he just couldn't stop his laughter. But just as Sauron was going to hit him they could hear from Mount Doom once more:
"Sauron! You still havent done the dishes!!"
Sauron's helmet started to boil like a teapot and you could actually see the steam coming out of the eyeholes. He turned around and ran back to Mount Doom. He ran with great speed, and he didn't bother to go through the entrance. He actually made his own entrance by running right through the stonewall in pure anger. When he got in he screamed at his wife:
"That's it you goddamned bith! I'm tired of you always telling me what to do! I want a divorce!"
Sauron ripped the ring of his finger, and threw it out.
"Hah! In your face!"
His wife looked at his hand. Then she looked at him. And said with a cool voice:
"Sauron. You moron. That was your master-ring. The wedding-ring is on your other hand." Sauron looked at his hands, before whispering"no."
Just then the rest of his orc-army disappeared. Sauron and his wife as well. Isildur found the ring. This is the way he really got it.
But why is Sauron so eager to get his master-ring back? The answer is simple. The big eye covered in fire is not just Sauron. Its him AND his wife who is always complaining about him, and that she should have married somebody else. Saurons only chance to get rid of her, is to get his master-ring back, so he and his wife can take human form again. Then Sauron can remove the wedding-ring and also get rid of his irritating wife.
Thank you for reading this fic. I appreciate it. Please review it and tell me what you think of it. You can also send me a mail at flaatnes@start.no