A/N: My wonderful co-author, Defygravity09, and I are proud, excited, and happy to present our newest creation: Dirty Little Secret. Set around Season 4, San, Kurt, and Rach all still live together, Shelby has her Broadway daycare and Cassie's getting on Rachel's last nerve. Rachel and Shelby are close and they decide to get on a chat room and talk...becoming vulnerable and spilling some secrets. This chapter is way long and we apologize, but it was an important introductory and length could not be avoided. Not every chapter will be set up like a chat room, but quite a few will. Again, this is rated M for suggestive themes and language, this is NOT a smut fic (sorry to disappoint those of you who were hoping it was...). We had a great time co-writing this and we hope you like it as much as we do! Let us know what you think about it! With love, Defygravity09 and hayleynymphadora
Ch. 1—Secrets, Secrets, Secrets
Rachel Berry was resting in her room for the night. Finally, it was Saturday—she was so thankful she wouldn't have to go to Cassandra July's wretched dance class at NYADA the next morning—her recent lessons had been pure living hell, and Rachel had yet to understand why the woman hated her so much or what she had ever done to piss off her college professor.
With a sigh, not wanting to think about "Crazy Cassie July" anymore, she flipped open her laptop and cuddled her pillow to her chest, signing into her usual chat room to see if her mom was online. After such a long week, she needed someone to talk to, and her roommates were distracted with their own Saturday night plans—Santana on a date with her girlfriend, Dani, and Kurt was perfecting his NYADA audition in able to get in next semester. Any other day, Rachel might be helping him, but she was just too exhausted to be of any help.
With a small smile, she noticed that her mother was in fact signed in. Saturdays were usually their night to chat. Rachel typed a first message.
Rachel: Hi, mama
Shelby: Hi, baby. How was your day?
Rachel: Uneventful, really. Mostly I just listened to Broadway and tried to learn songs from IF/THEN. I can't sing "Starting Over"…
Shelby: Yes, you can.
Rachel:Just watched the performance a billion times, there's no way I can do some of that…
Shelby: Since when do you ever doubt yourself? Yes, you CAN sing it. You are Rachel Berry and Rachel Berry can do ANYTHING she sets her mind to.
Rachel: Except for NOT screw up her NYADA audition, or marry Finn Hudson.
Shelby: But you still got in, did you not?
Rachel: Okay well that was luck.
Shelby: That was talent, and don't get smart with me young lady.
Rachel: I'm not getting smart with you; all I'm saying is that I'm not the perfect goal achiever you think I am. I'm not you—I'm no Shelby Corcoran.
Shelby: Ha! Honey, I am FAR from perfect. I am perfectly imperfect. Did you have a bad day? What's wrong with you?
Deciding to dodge the subject of what was really eating at Rachel—the fact that Santana had been out on her date since four and it was now eleven thirty had a good deal to do with it.
Instead, she decided to change the subject in the direction of her mother's love life—she had seen the way Cassandra had looked at Shelby the other day in the studio. There was definitely something there.
Rachel: …Ms July seems to think you're perfect…
Shelby: We are not talking about Cassandra…unless that's the reason why you're so upset today? You didn't even have her class today…
Rachel: Why not? We NEVER talk about Cassandra!
Shelby: And we are not about to start now.
Rachel: It's not my fault she makes you so nervous.
Shelby: She doesn't make me nervous. YOU make me nervous…
Rachel: Only because I talk about her.
Shelby bit her lip from behind her laptop screen. Why did Rachel insist on pushing her so far? She wasn't used to being so open with people. She decided she might as well just admit that she didn't like talking about Cassandra. Rachel obviously knew the woman made her uncomfortable.
Shelby: Yes.
Rachel: but why?
Shelby: Because you always read into things that aren't there, Rachel.
Rachel: Something is SO TOTALLY there, Shelby.
Shelby: Nope.
Rachel: Even Santana says so.
Shelby: Well, we still aren't talking about this.
Rachel: By saying we aren't talking about it, we are talking about it. And besides, if there's nothing there, why do you refuse to talk about it? Hmm?
Shelby: Because you will change my words, Rachel.
Rachel: I won't! I promise!
Shelby: Ugh. Fine.
Rachel: She asks me about you, you know. Even though you've only met her like twice…
Shelby's heart practically dropped to her gut. Cassandra asked about her? But…but why? Wasn't she still angry with her? With shaking hands, Shelby responded.
Shelby: What about me?
Rachel: Basic things…how you're doing, what you do for a living…
Shelby: Why?
Rachel: How should I know? Maybe YOU should ask her.
Shelby: No, Rachel.
Rachel: Yes! Come into the studio, she's always there…
Shelby: No! I agreed to talk about her, not meet up with her.
Rachel: Ugh, mother.
Shelby: Ugh, daughter.
Rachel: Take a leap of faith!
Shelby: I don't appreciate the RENT reference.
Rachel: You so did. Anyways, we were talking about Cassie…
Shelby: No, we weren't.
Rachel: Yes we were, Shelby! What are you so afraid of?
At this point Shelby's heart was pounding hard. She was home alone—she knew she could let her guard down, but she really didn't want to. She wasn't ready to dip into the history of Cassandra tonight and she wasn't ready to be so open about everything in her life to Rachel. It wasn't that she didn't trust her daughter—it was that she didn't trust herself.
Shelby: I don't want to talk about this.
Rachel: But why?!
Shelby: I just don't, Rachel.
Rachel: But she wants to talk to you! Doesn't that mean something?
Shelby: Maybe to you…not to me.
Rachel: I don't believe you! There's someone else?
Shelby: No…
Rachel: Then I don't see the problem.
Because I don't want you to! Shelby thought with an eye roll. Instead she just said,
Shelby: Okay.
Rachel: Okay what?
Shelby: Just okay.
Rachel: What would you rather talk about then?
Shelby: …I don't know…
Rachel: Exactly. We can't have a conversation without mentioning her—it's fate. You can't run from fate.
Shelby: Fine, Rachel.
Rachel: Fine, what? You agree? Finally?!
Shelby: Yes.
Rachel practically squealed into the pillow she was holding, a grin on her face. It had taken forever—literally FOREVER—to get her mother to admit any feelings for anybody (particularly Cassandra). It was so hard to get Shelby to break that wall of hers down and actually talk about personal things. But she'd finally done it! Just to be sure, she wrote,
Rachel: So you're admitting you like her?
That's putting it mildly… Shelby thought sadly, remembering the past. She wished she hadn't been so ruthless. She wished she had had a heart.
Shelby: Yes.
Rachel: YES! I KNEW IT!
Shelby: NOW will you leave it alone?
Rachel: Only if you promise to ask her out.
Shelby: Fine.
Rachel: You're being too easy—you're going to back out.
Shelby: No, I won't, not DROP IT! Please.
Rachel: FINE. If you promise to tell me how the date goes?
Shelby: Okay.
Rachel: If you don't, she will…
Tilting her head to the side and debating it, she figured that now she had convinced her mother to ask out Ms July, she really didn't have anything to lose, right? Unless her mom decided to back out…
Rachel: So…I sort of lied about Ms July talking to me…she sort of hates me.
Shelby: I figured. I sort of lied about agreeing to ask her out, too.
Rachel: Ugh. I thought so…well what if I get her to ask you out? Would you say yes?
Shelby: I don't know, Rach.
Rachel: *sighs dramatically*
Shelby: Sorry…
Rachel: No, you're not. You're just afraid to let someone in.
Immediately, Shelby got defensive.
Shelby: I let you in.
Rachel: I'm your daughter, I don't count.
Shelby: Yes you do, baby girl.
Rachel: Whatever. My point is, you're lonely.
Shelby: No, I'm not.
Rachel: You say that, but who do you actually talk to besides me?
Shelby: Look here, missy. Just because I'm at home on a Saturday night IMing with my daughter, eating chips, and surfing the web, doesn't make me lonely…
Rachel: Thank you mother, for proving my point.
Shelby: I am very happy, thank you very much.
Rachel: Happy, but lonely. They are two different things.
Shelby: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I am happy being lonely?
Rachel: But you're not, or you wouldn't have come to find me to begin with.
Shelby: I'm happy now that I have you.
Rachel: This can't be all you want in your life. Don't you want love? You used to have love…you had Will! And you had Puck…
Shelby: I thought we agreed never to talk about Noah again? Is this never talking about him again? Don't you dare start this now, I WILL log off…
Rachel: No you won't, please? Fine, talk to me then. Ask whatever you want. I'm not afraid to say anything to YOU.
That was a complete lie—there were a few things Rachel was terrified to discuss with anybody—but she really needed Shelby to trust her.
Shelby: What is your fascination with my love life? Why does it mean so much to you?
Rachel: Because YOU mean so much to me and you deserve it.
Shelby: Well just drop it, okay? I am grateful that you care, but it isn't needed. Just let me be the way I am. As the great Elsa has recently sung…LET IT GO.
Rachel: Fine. You say you open up to me but you don't, Shelby. I'll find out why some time.
Shelby: I am open to you, Rachel. I just don't want to date, okay? There is no reason other than the damn fact that I don't want to right now.
Rachel: I open up to YOU. You can ask me ANYTHING and I won't say "I don't want to talk about it with you" but fine, Shelby. Whatever I guess…
Shelby: Don't start with me…
Rachel: Just did.
Shelby: Goodnight, Rachel.
Rachel: No, wait! Mom, I'll stop, come back, okay? Please?
After a moment's debate Shelby sighed hugely and wrote back.
Shelby: I'm here, Rachel.
Rachel: Okay. Don't do that—don't just leave me.
Shelby: You sure are needy tonight.
Rachel: I'm always needy.
Shelby: Yes, but never with me.
Rachel: Well…I'm sorry. I can stop if you want.
Shelby: No…it's a welcomed feeling.
Rachel: …okay.
Shelby: I like being needed by my daughter.
Rachel: I like being needed by you too, you know? And I've always needed you…
Shelby: I've always been there, Rach. But I wasn't allowed to contact you.
Rachel: Which means you weren't always there…but let's not get into that.
Shelby: Yes, I was. Remember when you fell off the swing when you were 7? You got hurt really badly…
Rachel's eyes widened—of course she remembered that day. She had BEGGED her dads to let her go to the park with her best friend at the time, Mary. They were swinging super high—and Rachel tilted back too far, flipping out of it, landing on her leg and scratching up her arm. But…Shelby wasn't there for that, was she? She couldn't have been, so how did she know it happened? She couldn't remember ever telling Shelby about it.
Rachel: Um..yeah…how do YOU?
Shelby: I was the one who took you to the hospital and called your dads.
Rachel: …but you weren't supposed to be there… isn't that in violation of the contract?
Shelby: It just so happens I was at that park that day, reading, while I was waiting for a meeting with a friend. I heard a child scream. I looked over and saw you and all of the blood…I knew I had to do something, so I picked you up and rushed you to the hospital. I didn't know who you were until your dads showed up and bitched at me. The only thing that saved me from going to jail was the friend I was meeting told the cops that it was her decision to go to that park…I didn't even know what you looked like.
Rachel: …oh
Rachel had no idea what to say to the sudden admittance. Was Shelby drunk? Is that why she was opening up so much and recalling stories? Or had Rachel finally cracked the code to let her into the unknown secret life of Shelby Kimberly Corcoran?
Rachel: …I don't know how to respond.
Shelby: That's fine. I'm sorry.
Rachel: …For what?
Shelby: I shouldn't have told you…
Rachel: It's fine, mom.
Shelby: No, it's not…I'm always saying too much. Ugh, maybe it's a sign…
Rachel: No, it's now, will you just relax? Jeez, now I know why you never talk to me about anything—you get so paranoid about the littlest things. Just chill out, mom, it's fine.
Shelby: …okay…
Rachel: I'd actually like it if you told me more…
She knew she was testing her luck, but at this point it was worth a shot, right?
Shelby: About?
Rachel: Anything.
Shelby: Well I saw you again when you were 13. But I stayed out of the way because I didn't want to risk it…your dads were pretty clear about me staying out of your life.
Rachel: What was happening?
Shelby: Your talent show. A friend of mine had a child in the show as well. She was horrible, but when they introduced you I was awestruck at your talent baby girl.
Rachel: …Awe! Well I got it from you. Ms July says I'm practically a carbon copy.
Shelby: You were amazing. I snuck out as soon as your performance was over and went back to NYC to try to make something of myself, that way when I was allowed to contact you, you would be proud of me. But that didn't work out, as I came back to Lima and had Jesse give you that tape.
Rachel: I've always been proud of you.
Shelby: You wanted me to open up…
Shelby's heart thumped but she figured she should just take the advice her daughter gave her and "take a leap of faith". She had never stopped loving Cassandra and she really was planning on contacting Cassie somehow, sometime. Besides, it was impossible to keep anything from Rachel for any period of time…Nervously, she typed,
Shelby: …Cassandra and I have a past.
Rachel: WHAT?!
Shelby: Yes, that's why I don't want to talk about her.
Rachel: So…something bad happened in the past?
Shelby: Before I cam to Lima the first time.
Rachel: …you dated her?
Shelby: Yes…before I gave birth to you.
Rachel: But it didn't work out?! Why? You two would be the perfect couple! Is she a bitch to nonstudents too?
Shelby: Uh, no… you happened.
Rachel: and she wanted nothing to do with me. That's why she hates me so much.
Shelby: Yes, that is most likely the reason why…I was so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed most days and she tried so hard to make me better but I just couldn't shake it. I NEEDED you, baby girl. So I ended it and told her I had to come back to get you.
Rachel: She couldn't deal with it…you ended your happiness for me and now she thinks I'm a life ruiner.
Shelby: Not exactly… not necessarily. I went back to her after your talent show and things were better but she was such a heavy drinker…I ruined her. I couldn't deal with the drinking so I left again. That's why I don't want to talk about her.
Rachel: So I was RIGHT about her being an alcoholic. I knew she was hung over the other day… don't you still love her?
Shelby: I still love her with EVERYTHING in me. But I ruined her life, baby girl.
Rachel: You can get her back—I'll help you!
Things were finally starting to make sense to Rachel about her mother's closed off past. There were deep feelings that Shelby had kept shoved down and hidden for years—it wouldn't surprise Rachel if this was the first time she had told anybody about it. She just had so much guilt…
Shelby: No… not if she's still a drinker.
Rachel: Don't you see? I'm making it worse. Every time she sees me she thinks of you.
Shelby: I don't need you to handle my ex-girlfriend, Rachel. I'll send her an email…right now…
Rachel: Tell me what it says?
Shelby: No…you've done enough baby girl…let me handle this.
Rachel: Okay, but I haven't really done anything…
Shelby: Yes, you have. You finally got me to open up. Isn't that what you wanted?
Rachel: Well…yes…she'll probably answer back right away, I can't imagine she's sleeping on a Saturday night…
Shelby: okay
Rachel: So…I broke up with Brody.
For a while, Shelby didn't see Rachel's latest update, she had set to writing the email she just promised she'd write. It was now or never, right?
After taking a deep breath, she opened up her account and hit the Compose button before she started to write, with anxious fingers…
Dearest Cassandra,
Hi, baby. It's me. God, how I've missed you…your sweet smile, that beautiful blonde hair and your amazing personality. How you could make me laugh over anything—always found a way to make me smile. I miss the way you used to hold me and kiss me and calm me down even after the most horrible of days or before the most nerve wracking performances.
I'm so sorry, Cassie. I'm sorry I left you…both times…I never stopped loving you; you know that, don't you? Please tell me you know that… I didn't leave because I wanted to.
I'm sorry that I ruined you. I'm sorry that I broke you.
But I want to make it up to you…somehow. Is there any way that I can?
Missing you like crazy…I love my life but I get so lonely…especially without you.
Love you to death.
With the most sincere love,
Shelby
After forcing herself to hit send, she went back to her IM window, where she saw that Rachel's name was flashing. She read it with sad eyes.
Rachel: So…I broke up with Brody.
Shelby: I heard. Santana told me all about him.
Rachel: He's such an ass.
Shelby: Yes, he is. You are so much better off without him.
Shelby tapped her keys, feeling uneasy. Cassandra had definitely NOT answered her right back. Maybe it was a bad idea to email her…
Rachel: Seriously though, who would do something like that? I mean, why would you sell yourself for money when you have someone who loves you?
Shelby dropped her jaw. Ouch, Rach.
Shelby: I don't know… some people are just idiots.
Rachel seemed to notice her mistake.
Rachel: …Mom, I didn't mean it like…
Shelby: It's okay, Rach.
Rachel: no, it's not…
Shelby: But what I did really isn't the same thing. I gave away my baby for money…because you dads needed someone to have you…
Rachel: It's just…he hurt me, mama.
Shelby: I know he did, baby girl.
Rachel: And what irritates me even more is that Santana knew it all along and she TRIED to tell me.
Shelby: Well, at least she tried…
Shelby knew all too well the story of Brody—Santana had complained to her about it every Sunday. She had never seen Santana so hurt that Rachel wouldn't listen to her, and she had never seen her so pissed off about something in her life.
Rachel: Yeah, but did you really expect me to listen to her? After our past?
Shelby: I don't know, honey.
Rachel: I mean…he was so perfect. Apparently he was just the college version of Jesse.
Unsure what to say and still fretting because of Cassie's inability to write back fast enough, Shelby just responded, simply, knowing that Rachel would carry on until she go to the point of her rant—which she really wasn't sure of, but she knew it had nothing to do with Brody.
Shelby: Yeah…
Rachel: Not even Jesse would have stooped so low though, would he? I mean it's not like her loved me or anything, he just got close to me because he was told to…
Shelby: No, he wouldn't. Haha, he had too much pride for something like that. But he really did love you. I ruined that too, and I'm sorry.
Rachel: Did he love me? He egged me. He broke my heart and killed a bunch of baby chickens. If he loved me he would have come back.
Shelby: I know…
Rachel: Now no one will dance with me in Cassie's class. I'm lucky she ever let HIM dance with me…
Shelby: I'm sure someone will baby girl.
There it was—1 new email. Shelby practically fell out of her chair as she went to read it.
Hey Babe,
I've missed you too—more than I care to admit. I've been a mess, Shelbs, I can't lie to you- but I'm sure you know that. If you didn't hear about my "Crazy Cassandra July" episode I'm sure your daughter told you all about how horrible I am…I doubt the drinks help, but sometimes that's just unavoidable.
I knew she was yours the second I looked at her, and I have to tell you…it hurt. So maybe I push her a bit—it's only because she's got so much potential, you know I wouldn't deliberately wound her…
I never stopped loving you either. Even now, I'm sitting here writing to you and my stomach is doing some sort of Cirque Du Soleil flipping shit that's starting to freak me out. I've got to see you again. Soon. Now? No, not now that seems WAYYY desperate.
You say you're lonely? I am too. Well, I can fix that…. Love you so much,
Cassie
It took Shelby a minute to absorb the information and try to get up the courage to write back. Cassie wasn't pissed? She missed her too? She was flirting already… "Well I can fix that…"…
Her stomach knotted, her heart pounded. She felt like the young girl that Cassie used to make her feel like. She felt like things in her life could be better again—that Cass could make her better.
Cassie,
You think you can fix me? …..Oh really now? ;)
I know you're not hurting Rachel just to hurt her…but you should back off just a little bit before she goes crazy on you—remember who her mother is…
We need to catch up before anything else happens—it's been way too long, baby. How have you been, really?
Rachel says you've been drinking a lot recently…she could tell the other day that you were hung over. You really need to be more careful.
Xo, Shelby
Shelbs,
Yes, Corcoran, I'm well aware whose daughter the girl is.
I know my drinking is a problem. I'm okay though, really.
I need to get some rest—I have rehearsal for half the day tomorrow and I'm sure you do too for something or other. Talk to you later, babe.
Be ready tomorrow at 7.
XoXo, Cass
Shelby's breath caught— "Be ready tomorrow at 7," there her Cassie was back, openly flirting, being completely forward and already insisting on a date. Well of course she was going to go with it—that's what you did, when you were in love with Cassandra July.
Realizing she had been neglecting her daughter, Shelby hurriedly made it back to the IM page and read Rachel's latest quip.
Rachel: Now I'm back to dancing in the damn corner. Because as Ms July told me yesterday, I don't have the sex appeal to dance a tango.
Shelby: Oh, that should be fixed…she should start being nicer to you…
Rachel: Don't do that! You'll make things worse… "Oh, you went and complained to mommy? On Broadway you don't get to stop the show so mommy can hand you a sippy cup."
Shelby: No it won't, we've been talking already. I've apologized. We have a date tomorrow night.
Rachel: wow, really? That's great, mom. Does that mean she won't be saying anything like "Some people less narcissistic than yourself stay out of their mother's personal lives just so their dance teachers don't kick their asses every day."
Shelby: She doesn't know that you talked me into this.
Rachel: yet
Shelby: I'm not telling her, Rach.
Rachel: Okay, but isn't it bad to start a relationship based on half a truth?
Shelby: No…and who said we're starting a relationship? We're just having dinner… Besides I didn't do anything but tell her that I missed her and never stopped loving her which isn't a lie or as you said "half the truth".
Rachel: so you said I missed you and she said "okay, Corcoran, let's go out".
Shelby: …no, she said she missed me too, but if she knows I told anyone that she'll kill me so keep that between us, got it?
Rachel: yes, mama.
Shelby: Then we just talked about how I'm happy with my life right now but I do get lonely. Then she said "well I can fix that" and I said "oh really now?" and she said "Yes Corcoran. Be ready tomorrow at 7"
Rachel: That's so great! She really wants you back again.
Shelby: I guess it looks that way, Rach
Rachel: …well don't be so excited about it…
Shelby: We will see where this goes, okay? Just be happy for me Rach.
Rachel: I am happy for you, of course I am.
Rachel chewed on her lower lip, pulling her pillow closer as she glanced at the clock. Already twelve forty-five and Santana still wasn't back from her date with Dani. She had probably just stayed the night with her, but that didn't make Rachel feel any less bad.
…She had been having…feelings…about Santana recently. They were definitely not feelings she wanted anybody to know about—especially since she wasn't even sure she was gay and she didn't know if they were just desperate feelings after Brody and Finn and all of her past bad experiences with guys. But she was so sick of not telling anybody about it—it was eating her alive, and if Shelby was going to open up so much to her, Rach could talk to her too, right? She took a long, deep breath before writing,
Rachel: Mom… I need to talk to you about something…
Shelby: Okay, baby, what's wrong? I know something's been eating at you…
Rachel: …never mind. I thought I could talk about it but I can't…
Shelby: No, talk to me.
Rachel: It's awkward and pathetic…not even work your time.
Shelby: Tell me, Rachel.
Rachel: …It's about Santana.
Shelby: Okay…
Rachel: I…
Shelby: Just tell me, Rach!
Rachel: Okay… well the other day she was just waltzing around the apartment in nothing but her bra and underwear. WHAT?! She's not the only one that lives here! And who says she can just do that? I mean…that's not okay, because…it just isn't.
Completely stumped as to her daughter's seemingly random outburst, Shelby had to think about the real meaning to that rant for a moment. Finally, she just wrote,
Shelby: I don't see the problem here, Rach. She's gay, Kurt's gay, you're straight-Oh my god…I see the problem now.
Why hadn't she thought of it before?!
Rachel: DON'T get carried away with your ideas…
Shelby: Baby girl, are you gay?
Rachel: I…No…I don't…
Shelby: It's okay if you are…you know now that I'm into women…I wasn't aware that you knew before, but…
Rachel: I just sort of guessed… but, I mean, it's SANTANA.
Shelby: Am I that obvious? And so what if it's Santana?
Rachel: No, not extremely obvious, it took me a while…and… okay, okay so I might be sort of gay-ish…
Shelby: And what?
Rachel: and she can't just WALTZ around my apartment with no clothes when I live there too because I think I really like her and I've not really wanted to think about things like that…
Shelby: Well, sometimes you have to think about things you don't want to, baby girl.
Rachel: Okay, don't just flip my words back at me. She's just…she's hot mom. And her personality…I mean, yeah she can be sort of bitchy sometimes, but can't everybody? And I've loved her like family for years in Glee club but…it feels like something different now…something more.
Shelby: Why don't you just tell her?
Rachel: ABOSLUTELY NOT!
Shelby: Why not?
Rachel: BECAUSE SHE'S SANTANA! SHE'LL MURDER ME!
Shelby: You don't know that unless you talk to her.
Rachel: You don't know HER!
Shelby: I know her more than you think…
Rachel: What does THAT mean?
There you go again, Shelby, always saying more than you mean to…now San's gonna kill ME.
Well now that she had nothing else to lose…
Shelby: Just that we talk.
Rachel: About?
Shelby: Stuff.
Rachel: Come on, Shelby.
Shelby: You, okay? We talk about you.
Rachel: ME?!
Shelby: There are a grand total of two people in this world that scare me and they are Cassie July and Santana Lopez and here in ONE NIGHT you've made me spill a secret about each of them. Are you trying to get me killed?
Rachel: No, I'm not trying to get you killed. I was trying to figure out why Santana is talking about me to my mother. It's just that…she's Santana. I'm dwarf and Hobbit. We have a bad history. Besides, isn't she still in love with Brittany?
Shelby: No, she's dating Dani.
Rachel: I know that—you can date someone and still love someone else.
Isn't THAT the truth… Shelby shook her head at how scarily good her daughter was at getting information out of her.
Rachel: So what happened then? See? She's like Ms July, she doesn't let anyone in and all she ever does in insult me.
Shelby: Isn't that all Cassie does to you? Because why? Think, Rachel.
Rachel: Because she hates me.
Shelby: Be rational—she has no reason to hate you. You remind her of me and she still loves me and she's trying to fight off those feelings…the same thing goes for Santana.
Rachel: …that means nothing, they aren't EXACTLY alike, right? San's not an alcoholic.
Shelby: Sure she isn't an alcoholic now but give her time and she'll turn into Cassie if she keeps having to harbor hate towards you. She thinks you're straight and therefore can't love her the way she wants you too so she's mean to you so that she can fight away the feelings she really has. You just have to be honest with her, baby girl.
Rachel: Now you're just saying a bunch of words to make me go out with her. But we can't, we already LIVE together. How awkward would THAT be?
Shelby: That wouldn't be awkward at all, Rach.
Rachel: But what if the date went wrong? We would never be able to escape it!
Shelby: Just trust me that things will go fine. She really likes you too, Rachel. If you go into it expecting something bad to happen, then something bad WILL happen.
Rachel: How did our roles tonight get switched so fast? Wasn't I the one giving YOU relationship advice?
Shelby: I'm the mom—this really is my job. Stop being like me and over-thinking shit, Rach just GO for it.
Rachel: I DON'T WANT TO JUST COME OUT, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M GAY.
Shelby: Don't yell at me, Rachel Barbra. I'm just trying to help you. I didn't know I was gay until I kissed Cassie for the first time…it was…it was incredible, Rach, and she's the only woman I've ever been gay for—all of my other relationships were with men.
Rachel: Really don't want to think about my mom kissing my teacher…even if it is adorable to hear the story…
Shelby: Don't change the subject—besides you were trying to hook us up earlier, make up your mind…
Rachel: She's just going to be mad I never said anything earlier.
Shelby couldn't help but roll her eyes at her daughter's dramatics.
Shelby: San? She'll just have to get over it.
Rachel: Right. You wanna be the one to tell her that? What happened to being afraid of her?
Shelby: I will then. I admit that I'm sometimes afraid of how she will respond to certain things, but I really think this will make her life. I know that she respects me and she'll listen to me.
Rachel: You can't tell her I like her, mama…
Shelby: Then you'd better.
Rachel: Me?!
Shelby: Because you see how well I can keep my mouth shut… you have until I get home tomorrow night…Cass and I are going out at seven.
Rachel: YOU CAN'T GIVE ME THAT ULTIMATUM!
Shelby: Sundays are when I talk to Santana, Rachel.
Rachel: but…but mama…this could affect my entire life.
Shelby: it'll be a positive change, Rachel. You never know until you try—you just fed me the same shit about Cassie and now look at us. I'd better either hear from you that she knows or I will have to tell her myself and it may change your life forever…
Rachel: ….this really isn't fair. Can't I at least talk to Kurt about it first?
Shelby: Yes. So I will give you until next Sunday night.
Rachel: Is that my only alternative?
Shelby: Take it or leave it, Rach.
Rachel: I don't appreciate the RENT reference… :p
Shelby: Of course you did.
Rachel: So, I think Kurt and Blaine are secretly dating…again.
Shelby: Awe. They make such a cute couple.
Rachel: He's trying and failing so badly to hide it…
Shelby: Why don't you ask him about it?
Rachel: haha okay maybe I will… he's been talking to his body pillow the way he talks to Blaine and he's been on the phone with "someone" for HOURS behind closed doors. OOOH, here he comes I'm going to put this on Mic okay? So you can hear…
Shelby: Okay.
Rachel hit the Mic button and motioned Kurt towards her part of the room. "Come here, for a sec."
He trotted towards her with a smile on his face. "What's up, Rach?"
"…I have a confession to make—I know you're dating Blaine again. I know it was him you were just talking to."
Kurt dropped his jaw in denial, doing a horrible job of lying when he protested, "I'm not dating Blaine, and I wasn't talking to him either!"
"Oh, really?" Rachel scoffed. From Shelby's position in her chair in her bedroom, Shelby laughed, unplugging her laptop and taking it to her bed, getting comfortable, aware that this night would last longer than she expected it to. "Who is it, then?" she heard Rachel ask.
"Someone new," Kurt said with force.
"Really? What's his name?
"….Carter."
"It's okay, Kurt. You don't have to lie to us," Shelby finally speaks up.
Kurt's face turns beet red and he frowns. "That's not fair, pitting two against one like this." He checks the clock. "Santana seems to be having fun on her date…she left hours ago…" then he sighs, "Okay, okay, Berry. I KNOW your nosy mother put you up to this…"
Shelby dropped her jaw, sounding an "UH!" of protest.
"I confess," Kurt spoke again. "I went back to Blaine. But that means, Rachel, that you have to tell me what you're hiding…"
Rachel's heart sped up. She knew that her mother would be expecting her to tell Kurt now, but she couldn't get herself to say anything—this little bit of news could change everything and she liked things the way they were—except for the fact that Santana was off on an excruciatingly long date with Dani.
"Who me? I'm not hiding anything. Open book, you know me," she glanced back down at her laptop, casually.
"Rach," Kurt put a hand on his hip. "Come on."
Shelby sat at her computer silently, not wanting to interfere such an important moment. She prayed Kurt would get Rachel to crack.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Kurt."
Shelby, before Kurt could say anything else, rushed to her kitchen to fill up her tea. When she got back she blew on the cup and swallowed some of it, careful not to burn herself.
"Rachel. Les-be-honest."
"What?!"
Shelby set her cup down and covered her mouth, trying to hide a laugh and hoping Rachel didn't hear it. She knew she was horrible, but it was just Kurt's tone of voice…he always knew just what to say to catch people off guard. Shelby was definitely not expecting that of all things to come out of his mouth.
"I see the way you look at her," Kurt continued.
"At who?"
"Cassandra…"
"CASSANDRA?!"
Shelby, who was halfway through getting a huge gulp of tea, started choking on it, spitting it all over her blankets in front of her and hitting her hand to her chest, trying to get her breathing to go back to normal.
"It's okay, Rach," Kurt said sympathetically. "I won't tell anyone."
"Kurt, I—I don't like Cassandra, she's my—"
"Your sexy as hell teacher—don't worry, Rach, she has that affect on everyone. Have you seen her abs?"
Shelby tried not to think about Cassie's abs—which were fantastic—there was a serious situation here!
"Kurt, no! I don't like Cassandra, it's not like that!"
"TELL HIM, RACHEL," Shelby choked out from her position, still trying to clear her throat all the way. This yell went unheard by Kurt and ignored by Rachel.
"That's not my secret! KURT, GET BACK HERE! KURT! I DON'T LIKE MS JULY! MOM, HE'S GONE! YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE THE APARTMENT AFTER A CONVERSATION LIKE THAT! WHERE THE HELL IS HE GOING TO GO AT ONE IN THE MORNING?!"
Shelby had finally gotten her breath back and whispered, "Oh my god…"
At that moment, Santana walked through the door. Apparently she hadn't stayed with Dani for the night…
"Hey, Hobbit, whatcha doing?" she wondered, looking disgustingly giddy for Santana—Rachel assumed the worst had happened with her and Dani—the worst for Rachel, anyways, though Santana probably enjoyed it thoroughly.
"Nothing, just…nothing." Rachel was still trying to process what Kurt now thought was going on between her and her teacher.
"Well that's not suspicious…" Santana threw her purse down onto the couch and walked towards Rachel.
"I'm just…talking to Shelby…"
"Oh, hey Shelbs," Santana said into the mic.
"Hey, San…"
"So what are you guys talking about?" Santana leaned over Rachel's shoulder, trying to read the past conversation but Rachel freaked and covered her screen.
"None of your business, Santana," she didn't mean to spit so furiously back but Santana equally reciprocated quickly.
"Jesus, dwarf, chill."
"Tell her, Rach," Shelby warned.
Rachel glared at her computer, as if her mother could feel the heated anger of her glance through the screen. She didn't talk to Kurt about it! Not the right secret!
"What's the matter, Rach?" Santana continued. "Afraid I'll see that you're talking to mommy about mean old Ms Cassie July? Scared I might tell Crazy July that you complain to mommy about her?"
"TELL HER, RACHEL," Shelby raised her voice and Santana raised an eyebrow, assuming that she just meant to tell her about their conversation.
"That's not what we're talking about, Santana," Rachel's voice got quieter.
"Rachel," Shelby practically scolded.
"Tell me what?" Santana's interest was officially perked and she crossed her arms.
Rachel got scared and defensive—when Santana had crossed her arms, her low V-neck suddenly made parts of the girl's chest clearly visible. Her mouth went dry and she didn't know how to react. "Will you please just stay out of my face?!" she said.
"Fine! I'll be here, whenever you decide to FINALLY THANK ME for getting rid of your man whore."
"WE AGREED NOT TO BRING UP BRODY IN THIS HOUSE AGAIN, EVER." Rachel screamed, not thinking before doing anymore.
"YOU AGREED THAT WITH LADY HUMMEL, I SAID NO SUCH THING LITTLE MISS DAVID SCHWIMMER."
From behind her computer, Shelby shook her head disappointingly, leaving her room to get a new comforter and put her newly tea covered one in the wash. When she returned, she heard Rachel say,
"Only Ms July can call me that!"
"No," Santana smirked. "I like it. It's catchy."
"Santana, you KNOW how much the woman hates me."
"Good, maybe I can take a few pages out of her book."
"Oh my GOD." Shelby said from her bedroom into her microphone. "Enough! Santana, Rachel…"
The girls went silent and Shelby admitted to Santana, if to do anything but change the subject,
"I have a date with Cassie tomorrow night…"
"Oh?" Santana grinned, knowing how long Shelby had been wanting to get back together with her. "Hot, Shelbs. Why couldn't Berry have just SAID that instead of making a big fucking deal out of everything? I swear she doesn't get her dramatics from you…"
"Yes she does," Shelby laughs. "You should have seen the conversation leading up to that."
"NO, she shouldn't have." Rachel practically choked.
Shelby laughed lightly. If only Rachel understood that being gay wasn't as big of a deal as she seemed to think it was.
"Oooh, let me at it," Santana reached over Rachel's shoulder and Rachel practically shoved her back.
"Santana would you please just leave me alone? Wait until tomorrow night to talk to Shelby—this is my night."
Shelby spoke up, "It was just me being a closed off bitch and refusing to let Rachel in. She didn't know about my past with Cass…" she filled Santana in on half of the story.
"How do you know I have a night to talk to Shelbs, Hobbit?" Santana turned on Rachel.
"I told her, San." Shelby sighed. "And please stop calling her "hobbit"."
"Oh, so do you tell her EVERYTHING?"
"No, will you calm down? We'll talk tomorrow night…"
Santana pushed a piece of hair behind her ear and rolled her eyes, crossing her arms again. Rachel's eyes widened, unsure which part of Santana to look at before realizing that if she didn't want San to know, she really shouldn't look at her at all.
"Fine, whatever. I'm going to bed. Later, Schwimmer."
"Quit being so bitchy, Santana Marie," Shelby warned.
Rachel smiled at Santana's full name—it was really pretty and she had never known it before. "Your middle name is Marie?" it was so close to Maria—the lead character in one of Rachel's favorite musicals, West Side Story.
"Thanks, C. Great to know I can talk to you."
"Santana…tomorrow." Shelby made her voice stern and she knew that Santana would respect her after that. The girl was hard to control, but Shelby was slowly learning how to do it.
"….yes, okay, we'll talk tomorrow."
Santana left the room and Rachel caught herself watching as she left, her extremely short dress teasing and unfair. She glared back down at the floor, cursing herself.
"Baby girl, I'm going to go to bed too. I have a big day tomorrow-well, actually I guess it's today now. I love you. Have sweet dreams."
"I love you too, mama. Goodnight."
Rachel shut her computer and curled up in her bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about her options. In truth, she didn't have any. Kurt thought she was in love with her teacher, her mom knew she was in love with her roommate and old enemy, and claimed that she was liked by her too. Things were slowly turning into one big mess.
Shelby re-made her bed and pulled herself under the covers, closing her laptop and pushing it off to the side. She had a date with Cassie "tonight". Cassie. The woman she had been in love with since forever—the one whose heart she broke—the one she could never stop thinking about—the one she had been losing sleep over. She didn't know what to do with herself—she still couldn't sleep.