The start of it was a smack in the face and then a push against the wall. Nothing more or less than I ever expected, his skin hot against mine as he wound a hand beneath my shirt and laughed in my ear as my breathing became harsh. He thought it was so funny, how easily I reacted to him, how much my desire showed through with every touch, every breath, every gasping word that slipped past my lips unbidden.
His touch was rough, careless with my skin unused to foreign fingers. The sensation of his hands against my stomach made me quiver, lightning running up and down my body, the hairs rising on my arms and neck. Alarm mingled with joy. I was overcome; I was uncovered and broken open until he could see every little thought swimming through my mind.
I knew he knew I loved him; saw the smirk of triumph cross his face as my eyes caught his in the final moments. He knew he had me now, and nothing I could do could change it. He had me, I had been exposed and now there was no escaping.
And then it was over, just as abruptly as it had begun, and Gary was out of the door and gone. I let myself fall to the floor, awash with the shock and the confusion. Pleasure, even joy that he had showed my some sort of affection, and then disgust and guilt and anger that he would do something that meant so much to me and so little to him.
It was strange for a few days, but the strangeness passed with time. Once spilled into once more, into many times, and the days of hostility and humiliation became interspersed with moments of the two of us intertwined and an unbearable need for comfort and release. I never expected any more of him, and he never spoke a word to me about it. He never told me if it was all just a game to him, another kind of mind fuck to go along with all the rest, and I could only assume that it was. But sometimes, something in his movement and his breathing and his body when my arms were wrapped up around him made me feel safe and easy and peaceful. So I put up with it, relished it in a way, as I did every other aspect of Gary Smith despite the pain he caused me. It was simpler that way.