Copyright © 2000, Tifa's Final Heaven
By NuclearFusion
Please make the Subject "The Mystery of Clouds Hair - Comments"
It was a day in New Nibelheim, perfect in every way. It seemed as if nothing could go wrong. But would I write about that? With my reputation? You've gotta be crazy!
Cid, Red XIII, and Vincent are watching TV. Cloud walks in,"Do we have any hair gel? We're out again." Cloud give's the puppy dog face(awwww!). "What? We just bought 300,000,000,000,000,000 bottles last week," Cid says, "I don't see why you use so much hair gel anyway. I wake up in the morning and my hair already looks like that." Cloud glares at him. You know. The look that say's, "Your dying in bed tonight." "I think there's some in the closet," Cid say's quickly, before Cloud can get anymore ideas into his head.
"Thank you," Cloud says, and walks to the hall closet, " I need all the hair gel I can get." Cloud walks back in, stands in front of the mirror, and began fixing up his hair. Tifa then walks in, her shift over at the bar, and sidles up to Cloud, and throws her arms around his waist. Most men would stand there, and milk this moment for all it's worth. But not Cloud. He's not normal. He's insane. "Tifa! I'm trying to fix my hair!" See what I mean?
"Cloud! You seem to love that hair more than you love me!" Tifa fusses. Cid says,"I don't recall you telling us about how your hair came to be like that. It's not natural, I can tell you that much." Cloud once again gives that glare to Cid, but then he falls under the pressure. "Alright! I'll tell you." Red calls everyone into the room, for story time. Cloud looks at everyone, and notices that Vincent's lips are slightly curled up at the corners, giving the ghost of a smile, something not expected from Vincent.
([{Message from nuclear: Yes the fanfic is not very insane right now. But it will be(cue evil laugh)}])
"Is everyone ready?" Cloud asks. Cait Sith begins to rant, "NO! Let me get the popcorn, sodas, candy bars, margerine, subs..."
20 minutes crawl by...
"...Crunches, Vodka..." Cait Sith still continues. "Vodka???" Tifa asks. "Aaah I was just was thinking of things to say," Cait Sith explains. Cid asks, "Does vodka have caffiene?" "I don't know," Tifa answered, "Does it, Barret?" Barret gives an even colder look than Cloud's to Tifa.
"I dosen't know why youse thinks I do drugs," Barret says. "I didn't say that! Dont give me that attitude," Tifa answers. "%$#!," Barret says. Cloud, who has been waiting patiently all this time, now decides to speak up by screaming, "If you're not ready in five minutes, I'll kill you all with my Ultima Weapon!!!!!!" Everyone looks at Cloud, somewhat startled, and then they begin to rush to get their stuff. "Where's the popcorn popper?" "It's in the refrigerator!" "Why's it in the fridge?" "'Cause we're insane!" "Oh yeah!" "Where's the tea??????" " You drank it all!" "^%$%$%$#%$@$#@W$#@#%$!" People yelling, "Where's this and that?" ring from everywhere.
At the end of the five minutes, every one is gathered around Cloud, waiting for him to begin his story. "Okay. We're ready," Aeris says. "Okay," Cloud says, "I'll begin"
" It's the middle of the summer on my fifth year of life. I'm stupid as ^%$^ but that doesn't bother me. I was so stupid, I didn't even know I was stupid. Anyway, one of my friends bet me to go balance and walk across a powerline.
" I didn't want to, for it was Tifa's birthday, and I wanted to give my best impression."
" You wanted to make a good impression on Tifa?!?" Aeris exclaims, " What a waste of time. Everyone knows you should make a better impression on me!"
"What are you talking about b!@$h?" Tifa yelled, somewhat unsuprisingly. It was kinda obvious that she would backfire like that. Maybe Aeris wishes to commit suicide.
Tifa jumps on Aeris, beating the $h!t out of her, as she let's loose a flurry of curse words. Aeris does not go without a fight however, and she too, begins slapping, punching, hairpulling, etc.
Oh well, if I'm gonna make them think I'm a girl, I oughta jump in, thought Yuffie, before yelling, "Bombs away," and jumping in.
Red pulled out his carney hat and said, "It's that time again! Place your bets!"
"200 on Yuffie," Cid yells. Cid seems to have a strange obsession with Yuffie. Hmmm.
"Me sez a dime on Tifa," Barret says. (a dime in betting means 10grand)
Cloud, knowing that if he did not bet on Tifa, he would be killed afterwards, yells, "100,000gil on Tifa@!!!!!!"
Getting all the applause and bets(except Cid), for everyone knew Aeris was a bunch of hot air and would not win, Tifa pulls a very large rocket launcher from her bra. Everyone cheers and notices that her breasts mystically stay the same size.
Tifa takes aim and fires, blowing away Aeris and Yuffie.
"&$%%^#^%#%$#%$@##^%$^#@!!!!!!" Cid exclaims.
"Woohooooo!" Cloud and Barret scream.
"Shell it over!" Cloud says. Cid sulks but gives up.
"Does anyone want to hear the rest of my story?" Cloud asks. "Yes," everyone says, so Cloud launches deep into his story, just as Aeris and Yuffie revive...
"Well, since the money was good, I decided to do the highwire act"
"A Highwind act??" Cid asks. "No! a highWIRE act," Cloud answers. The old fart needs a hearing aid.
"Well I climbed up the pole, and began my walk. It was hard to keep my balance. About halfway across, I slipped. I reached up and grabbed two power lines. Bad idea. I was shocked, and my hair went POOF!!! I then paniced, and let go of the wires. I fell into a vat of hairspray below, forcing my hair to permenantly be spiked. I'll never do that again."
Everyone stares at Cloud and finally Yuffie speaks up, "WOW! You were stupid!" Cloud answers by shoving his Ultima Weapon through her(or it?). Noone know's.
"Okay, that explain's the hair, but if it's permenantly spiked, why do you need hair gel?" Cait Sith asks. Cloud answers, " Same reason Hojo does. To keep it from falling out." Behind them, Cid secretly throws a Phoenix Down onto Yuffie.
"I'll tell you one thing," Cloud continues, "Thinking about that story reminded me of something important."
"Not to play with hairspray?" Cait Sith suggests.
"No," Cloud answers, "That I forgot to try again." With that Cloud walks out the door. Even though he said earlier that he'd never do that again, he still does. Why? Uhhh, It's Cloud we're talking about. He's insane and never pays attention to what he said before.
Everyone runs outside to watch, except Tifa and Aeris, who fight over who gets to save him from mental dysterity. Aerid begins to climb up a power pole, only to find that Cloud was at the pole across the street, above the hairspray plant. Tifa was climbing the right side.
The hairspray plant was no longer a hairspray plant, and was a Shinra chemical waste treatment center. However, the center does not treat the chemicals. It merely turns it into acid and releases it in large amounts into the Planet's soil.
Cloud was halfway across the line when Tifa made it up, and he was doing well, too. Tifa then began to navigate her way across the line, as Aeris started to climb up the right pole. Now Cloud was above a vat of mild acid, and fine. Just then...
A shot rang out. It was Cid, who had somehow gotten ahold of Vincent's gun. Cloud turned to look, loosing his balance. He fell a short distance before grabbing onto once again, two powerlines. He was shocked badly, but the electricity had no effect on his hair whatsoever. The electricity did, however, burn his hand to the point where he must let go.
He fell into the vat of acid. Everyone held their breath. Then Red pulled out his carney hat again and began taking bets.
"I hope a grand sez he die's," Barret said, as Red wrote down the bet in his ticket book. Tifa bet, "100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000gil says he lives!!!!"
Just then, the acid inthe tank bubbled, and everyone thought that Cloud was gone, and Tifa thought she was broke. Then Cloud surfaces!!!!
"$#@##$@?#$@$?%$%$#@?@!!!@$?$#@#$@$#%@@?!!!!!" Barret curses, as his and the others life revolves around betting.
"YESSSS!!!!!!!!!" Tifa screams, but not because Cloud's alive, but because she still has some gil.
All of the sudden, everyone notices that Clouds hair is gone! It had dissolved off. Everyone except Cid decides not to say anything about it, for it would upset him. "Hey Cloud," Cid says. "Did you know your hair was gone???"
Cloud runs to the closest mirror, while Cid laughs. "Oh no," Cloud says, staring into the mirror. "I've got to get this covered up quick!"
With that, he headed off to the wig store. But not without a hat. Tifa decides to follow.
Later, at the wig store, Cloud rummages for the right wig. "Do you have anything like my hair?" Cloud asks.
"No," answered the clerk, who was more busy staring at Tifa. "Your hair was one of a kind."
"I'll just get this then," Cloud says and picks up a Tai(from Digimon) wig.
"You have a fascination with large hair don't you?" the clerk asks.
"Yep," answers Cloud, as he walks out the door, hair bigger than ever. The clerk yells at him." Hey! You have to pay for that!" Cloud ignores him.
In front of the house, before Cloud could get in to strut his wig, it is shot of his head by Vincent, who was having target practice and noticed something large and hairy moving behind the fence. He thought it was a joker in disguise. The wig flies through the air, and lands,you guessed it, in the vat of acid. The wig dissolves immediatly.
"Awww, man," Cloud says and heads back to the wig store.
TO BE CONTINUED... LOOK FOR IT SOMETIME!
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