This is a work of fiction, based on the book series by J.K. Rowling. Neither do I claim ownership nor do I intend to.
Insights into his Mind
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He watched as the Headmaster ascended the stairs. In his quiet little corner, hardly anyone noticed the hooded figure of Severus Snape. Just another patron who preferred his privacy; it was one of the reasons people came to the Hog's Head, the other, naturally, the price.
Severus waited for a few moments, casting his eye around covertly. Over at the door, a couple of businessmen huddled, their trade likely less than honourable for the time being. Snape didn't mind those people, he had to deal with his own troubles in acquiring his ingredients often enough to know just how tricky things could be.
The moment seemed right, he decided, since most were busy with themselves. That barman Aberforth was over by an older woman, his back turned to Severus, but not the door. Still, a better chance wouldn't arise anytime soon.
Severus ducked up the stairs. Slinking up, years of experience helping him, he made no noise. That skill had come in handy occasionally in the past; it had allowed him to get the drop on Potter and his ilk. True, that blasted werewolf had smelled him occasionally, but he hadn't been the main concern. Lupin was a problem, yes. But he would one day see the light, the Dark Lord would see to it. Once the werewolves were realizing who was their friend, or rather, who oppressed them less and gave them more victims to satisfy their innate bloodlust, Lupin would embrace his true nature. Severus didn't like him, of course, and given the chance, might even be tempted to rid the world of him, but the werewolf wasn't the problem. Black was a potential murderer, his blood was still true; he might one day be what he was supposed to be. Hopefully, he would bring valuable information with him. Yes, Severus would prefer to kill him, his hand twitched at the idea, but even Black wasn't the main problem. No, it was that Potter.
Ah, Potter. How much Severus longed to kill him. In his dreams, he saw that fool fall, Severus dreamed of poisoning him, or better, blast him to smithereens. He saw it in his mind's eye, the moment everything would be taken from him, and everything he had taken –stolen actually –taken back from him. If only the day would have already arrived. Severus might have done it already, but he couldn't. No, he couldn't, his master had forbidden Severus to act. Too valuable as a spy he would become to risk him for foolish revenge. Severus agreed of course, but it still stung. Others would kill Potter; others would prevent Severus from taking his revenge.
He had reached the landing and moved over to the first door. Voices sounded from within, and Severus listened.
"No, what if he finds out?" a woman said.
"He's a fool, you know that," a husky voice replied. "He never really cared for you; he never knew how to handle or treat you, did he?"
The woman gasped, and Severus crept over to the next door with a grimace. He couldn't hear anything, but waited with baited breath. After a minute, he shook his head. No, if the Headmaster had gone in there, he would have heard something already.
At the next door, he didn't have to listen for very long. Someone whistled inside as water was running. No, Dumbledore wasn't inside.
The fourth door was more promising. He heard a woman speak inside in what might have counted as a respectful voice.
"... long history," she said. "My ancestors were renowned in their time, both for their skill and their grace in the matter. Cassandra was called upon by the great and mighty, and wherever she went, people listened and learned from her the truths."
"That may very well be," the voice of the Headmaster sounded from inside, "yet I find myself wondering whether a dedicated class on the matter really is the right course of action. From my understanding of the subject, Divination is not so much learned, but rather a skill one has to be born with, my dear Sybill. Perhaps private lessons for those who do possess the gift might be more beneficial. The students have time during the holidays. You could offer your services that way, perhaps, and not have to bother with the tedious work required of professors of the school?"
Severus kept from laughing. Divination was rubbish, the Headmaster knew it, and Severus knew it as well. Only fools like that Sybill Trelawney would believe in it, and only the vague possibility of her possessing the gift and having seen something relevant had caused the Dark Lord to send Severus to keep an eye on the meeting. A wise move, Severus had agreed of course, to make sure no possible secrets were left undiscovered, but still, a very remote chance. Even the Dark Lord had said so.
"Well, my dear Sybill," Dumbledore said, and the sound of ruffling robes came from inside the room, "I do wish you luck for your future. I thank you for your time and..."
He broke off, and something scratched over the floor.
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches," the voice of Trelawney reverberated from behind the door. Severus almost jumped at hearing that, and bent close to listen to every word. She continued in the same breathless voice, "born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies..."
Severus tensed, a cold shudder running down his back. A prophecy, a real prophecy, and he was listening in on it. And from what he could hear, it was a very important one, concerning his master. But before he could hear more, he was pulled to his feet and came face to face with the angry barman Aberforth.
"What do you think you're doing?" the older man hissed, his blue eyes boring into Severus' mind.
Listening in on perhaps the most important talk of my life, Severus wanted to tell the man, but he refrained. "I stumbled and fell, what else? In this dim light, how are your guests meant to walk anyway?"
Severus was furious. He had been caught, that stung. He hadn't even noticed the man. But more importantly, he began to realize the importance of what he had heard. The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches, she had said. Someone posing a threat to the Dark Lord was rising. That were horrible news, Severus knew. The Dark Lord, his chance for revenge and power, he couldn't let anything happen to that.
Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies –that was the good news in all of that. Whoever it was, he wasn't born yet. An unborn child then, Severus realized, only half-heartedly fighting the barman.
The door opened and the Headmaster's head came into view.
"He was listening in on you," the barman supplied with a nasty glare.
"I wasn't," Severus spoke up with as much indignation as he could muster. "I stumbled and fell, but before I could stand up, this man grabbed me. I was manhandled and accused, and what for? It is his fault, just look at the floor, how many people trip over it each day?" It sounded reasonable enough, and just to be on the safe side, Severus employed his best Occlumency shields.
As expected, the Headmaster stared at Severus. Without his training, Dumbledore might have seen the truth, but Severus was confident and capable. He knew Occlumency well enough to hide his master's secrets.
"Let him go, Aberforth," Dumbledore told the barman. "No harm done, I believe?" he addressed Severus, who glared at both men.
"No harm done? What about the accusation?"
"I will pay for him," the Headmaster told the barman, "and I do hope, Mr. Snape, that you will not hold a grudge over such a misunderstanding."
Oh, he would, Severus vowed, but he replied, "Not for long, I suppose. I thank you for your generosity, Professor, but I do no longer feel welcome here at the moment. If you will excuse me, I would like to leave now and look for... friendlier company." He gave both men a curt nod and carefully left, intentionally walking slow and limping ever so slightly.
He kept the act up all the way until he was standing outside, even going so far as to glare at the house, before he apparated away, first to Diagon Alley, then a small street close to his home, and then to his real destination. He needed to inform his master as fast as possible.
It didn't take long to explain his story. Severus repeated word for word what he had heard, everything that had happened. He was popular with the Dark Lord, he had proven his worth again and again, yes, but he couldn't allow himself to make a mistake.
"That is what you heard?" the Dark Lord hissed.
"Yes, my Lord. That is what I heard before I was found."
"That was a foolish mistake, but no matter. The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies. Those are good news."
Severus blinked. He didn't see it as good news, but didn't dare to disagree with his master. It must have shown on his face, or perhaps the Dark Lord knew what Severus was thinking, for he smiled thinly.
"It is, Severus, and you have done your master a great service. I punish my enemies, but I reward loyalty and service. You have proven your worth to me, and you will reap the benefits." He stared off into the distance, thinking about the prophecy; no doubt was left in Severus. What could be good about that? Yes, the one to challenge the Dark Lord was still not born, but he would be.
"Well, Severus, it seems fate itself is favouring me. The prophecy was made, and it was heard as well." The Dark Lord gestured for his follower to rise to his feet, and Severus did so.
"I was heard, but by the foolish Headmaster, my Lord. No doubt he will employ every resource at his command to find this child."
"And you heard it as well, Severus, you heard it as well, and only because I had the foresight to send you there. So you heard it, and the Headmaster will no doubt think it was meant for him, but it was not. You were meant to hear it. A warning, Severus, one you delivered to me, and now I know about this child, I can act as well. 'Born to those who thrice defied him.' Few have defied me and even fewer survived. Four of those are in Dumbledore's little group. Once I know who it is, I will go after them. I will end the child before it will ever learn to master any power. Go, Severus."
The next time he was called to his master, Severus felt a nervous tingle run down his spine. There was only one possible explanation –the child who might one day defeat the Dark Lord. Yet Severus hadn't managed anything to show his master. He hadn't found out who it might be.
"Severus," the Dark Lord greeted. "I have use for you."
"My Lord, I am yours to command," Severus said, bowing deep.
"I know. You are a faithful servant, more so than most. I have found myself with a problem, Severus, and one you will help me with. The child who will have the power to vanquish me will be born in a few short days, yet I have only narrowed it down. It is either the child of the Longbottoms –they refused my offer to join me, they escaped my wrath, sacrificing their fellows, they eluded capture once –or the Potters."
Severus twitched at hearing that name. "The Potters, my Lord?"
"James Potter and his Mudblood wife, yes. I heard you knew her once," the Dark Lord sneered.
"That is in the past, my Lord. I have seen the truth," Severus replied, but he was feeling a cold steal into his heart. He hadn't even known Lily was with child. He would have hoped she would have informed him, but she hadn't. That pained him, but it was not important at the moment. No, if she was with child, then it had to be Potter's. Unbidden, pictures forced their way into Severus' mind. James Potter, satisfying his twisted needs with Lily. If she was with child, then Potter had gotten there, had defiled her.
Bile rose in Severus' throat. He should have known, of course. Potter had taken her to wife over a year ago; of course he would have gotten there.
"I am glad to hear that," the Dark Lord said with carelessness. "Either child of them might be the one. There is one other, the son of Conway and her man."
The image of a stocky woman entered Severus' mind. He remembered her from his house, as she had been in seventh year when he had arrived. Conway, now Whitmore, had defied the Dark Lord? She had seemed reasonable back then.
"I was not aware of her opposing you," he said truthfully.
"But she did. She denied my offer, she killed one of my followers I sent after her, and she managed to steal her family's wealth from my supporters. She might not have allied herself with Dumbledore, but she still defied me. You will deal with her."
"You think it is her, then," Severus said, a strange mixture of relief and disappointment coursing through him. He was happy Lily wouldn't have to die, but he was frustrated Potter wouldn't either.
"No, Severus. No, but her child might be the one. I do not take risks, do I? No, from this day forward, I will see to the death of every child born when the seventh month dies. You will take care of Conway. She knows you from your past, doesn't she?"
"An old friend, I suppose," Severus told his master.
"She will hopefully not suspect you, as she never learned about your change of heart. Bring her to justice. Kill her, kill her man, and kill the child. Bring me the body, and maybe I will find use for it."
Severus nodded curtly. Killing a child? He didn't worry about that. He had done it in the past; he would do it in the future. What did it matter? His master had commanded it, it was necessary and easy. Children didn't fight back, though, so the thrill and fun was not there. He would have to enjoy his time with the parents, maybe have Conway kill her husband. That one was always fun to watch.
But then, what to do about Longbottom and Potter?
He didn't care for either child. Why should he? The Longbottoms were fools. Their death was inevitable either way, they had dared resist the Dark Lord; they had to die. Severus had little reason to stop their deaths. Perhaps the Longbottom wealth would fall to the Dark Lord? If so, the Dark Lord would have Lucius look into it, no doubt.
Severus apparated to his house and retreated to his private lab.
Potter was a different matter, though. The Dark Lord was right, in a way. Letting any child born at the end of July live would be a risk. They needed to die, all of them. So Potter's spawn wouldn't pose any problems, and Severus felt slightly better knowing that stain would be done away with. It was a stain on the world, a stain on Lily as well. It needed to be removed.
But then, the Dark Lord wouldn't leave without taking his revenge. If he had the Potters, why would he let them go? No, the Dark Lord would kill them, of that Severus had no doubt.
It posed two problems for Severus. For one, James Potter would die at the hands of the Dark Lord. That wasn't right, Severus thought. The Dark Lord could kill whomever he liked, yes, but if Potter died at someone else's hand, how was Severus meant to take his revenge? Potter was meant to die at Severus' hand.
The other problem was far more troubling. The Dark Lord would kill Lily as well. Severus could live without his revenge. He'd have to quench his helpless anger with a bit of bloodshed, but it would go away. But he couldn't live in a world without Lily, and if she died, she would be reunited with Potter again. Severus couldn't have that. He couldn't let Lily die, that was not how the story was meant to go.
Damn Potter, why did he have to take her away from him, Severus thought with a glower. That wasn't how it was meant to go. Lily wasn't meant to be Potter's, never meant to be defiled, not even touched by that filth, yet somehow, Potter had managed to turn her head. Somehow, he had managed to turn sweet Lily –his Lily! –against him. And now she would die; all because Potter just couldn't keep away from her.
Bile rose once more in Severus' throat, but he didn't lose his control.
Potter, all was Potter's fault. Sweet, dear Lily, the one person in the world he had ever cared for, how much he longed to see her again. He knew somewhere inside her was still that kind girl, his Lily, the girl he had fallen in love with, the girl that was his, meant to be his. That was how it should have been, how it had been until Potter came along. Potter, sitting with her on the train. What had he been doing there? Lily had been there, so it had been meant to be their compartment. A whole train, dozens of compartments, yet Potter just had to have sat in the one that had rightfully belonged to Severus and Lily.
And he had lost Lily. Each day at school they had drifted further apart. No doubt that had been Potter's fault as well, Saint Potter, the boy who couldn't do any wrong in everyone's eyes. Only Severus had recognized them as what they had been, what they still were. Thieves, liars, murderers. A werewolf! They had been covering for a bloody werewolf! Who in their right mind allowed one of them to stay close to them?
But of course Potter had done that. Saint Potter, stealing Lily away, tricking everyone to look the other way. Attacking Snivellus while everyone was distracted. A coward attacking only in greater numbers, not an iota of courage in him - yet everyone had cheered him on. Only a coward would complain about the just punishments he received. Only an idiot would not expect deadly poison in their sweets, only an idiot would not expect the curse from the shadows. Retribution, just punishment, yet Severus had had to pay for it while Potter and his ilk had been allowed to run free.
Potter. Oh, how Severus wished he could kill that man himself, but he couldn't. He needed to act like the man he was supposed to be. He couldn't approach them. The Dark Lord had indicated it, and Severus had heard as much –Dumbledore had found out about Severus' allegiance. If only there were a way to set everything right.
And then, with a jolt, a marvellous idea came to Severus. A truly marvellous idea. Potter's spawn had to die, if only to rid the world of that imperfection, that taint on sweet, dear Lily. Potter should die as well, the world would be far better without him, and as soon as his friends were sent after him, Severus would have part of his revenge. Then he would be one step closer to getting what he wanted. Then only those that had laughed at him needed to pay. Yes, Severus looked forward to it, to each day, to see them pay, each and every one of them. They needed to pay, the world needed to pay, for laughing about Severus, for defying the Dark Lord, for disregarding Severus. He would love to see them bleed, each and every one of them. But not Lily, not his sweet Lily, not her of course. She hadn't known what she was doing; she hadn't known she had been led astray. She had not known Potter had tricked her, corrupted her mind, turned her from her destiny, turned her away from her one friend who loved her dearly, turned her away from her one, true love, from her destined love.
But the Dark Lord owed Severus, didn't he? A great service had been done, the Dark Lord had said so. If Severus talked to him, if Severus dared to try it, he might be able to convince the Dark Lord. Yes, it was risky to even try, but Severus deserved it, a small reward for his faithful service. Hadn't he killed those Aurors sneaking around, almost finding the Dark Lord? He had. Hadn't he proven his worth as a valuable spy? He had, and it had led to dozens of deaths. Yes, Severus would be daring to try, but the Dark Lord might just reward Severus for his services. And he knew what he wanted, Severus did. 'Let me deal with her, my Lord, let me teach her obedience. Let me break her spirit; let me punish her day after day after day for the insolence, for her misconception of grandeur. Let me deal with the worthless Mudblood.' Yes, if he said it just right, the Dark Lord might gift him her life.
Her son dead –good riddance, Severus thought –and her husband killed, punished for the crimes he had committed against the Dark Lord, only rightful master of the world, she would surely be devastated. Alone, isolated from the world and given to Severus to do with as he pleased, she would find her old friend again. He would be supportive. A tragedy, losing her husband –good riddance, he was better off dead –and her son –despicable taint on the world, appalling taint on her purity. Yes, he would understand, he would listen to her, and over time, she would find her old friend again, her one, true friend in the world. Hidden from the Dark Lord, hidden from the cruel world, she would see the pain lessen. She would learn to forget Potter; she would leave behind the false affection for him. And she would have him, and he would have her again, just like it had been back when they had been children. She would see his dedication to her again, she would rediscover her feelings for him, and over time, she would understand herself better. Oh, she would see the truth, the one she might have seen, had Potter not been there in first year. Had he not been there, she would have relied on her good friend Severus, she would have trusted him with each of her secrets. But not all was lost, no. Not all was lost, and with his plan, Severus would heal the wounds Potter had done. With him gone, Lily would awaken from the nightmare she had lived through the past years, she would see her friend Severus again.
And then, when she would recognize her feeling for what they were, she would turn to him. She would be his, just like it had been meant to be from the start. Her child would be forgotten, a pain and taint she would no longer care about. There would be no place in her heart left, for all she would ever love again would be her good friend Severus, the one person in the world who had loved her from the beginning. And each day, he would prove it to her. Each day he would prove his love for Lily.
His eyes trailed to the closet in the corner, but he didn't walk over there. Soon enough, he wouldn't need it anymore. What good was a picture, a mere picture of her, if he would have her, the real Lily?
He got into action. If he wanted his plan to succeed, he needed to set some things into motion. He needed time, he needed to make sure Lily would stay alive long enough so he could rescue her from Potter, and protect her from the Dark Lord's wrath. Grabbing a quill and some ink, he wrote a few lines and sent them off. Dumbledore would react, no doubt.
But until then, Severus had urgent business to take care of. He searched his notes, looking for anything useful. Hours he spent bent over his desk, occasionally glancing to the window. What did the old man take so long for?
Just when he was about to leave, an owl fluttered into the room. Severus took the message and read it. A talk with the Headmaster? In only a few short minutes? But Severus couldn't risk not going, no matter what he needed to do otherwise. The grabbed his cloak and apparated to the windswept hill.
He was there first, gripping his wand tightly. He'd have to resist the urge to curse the Headmaster, no matter how much he longed to. He needed the old man.
Then his wand was blown from his hand, and he felt himself flung to the ground by the Headmaster's spell. He had known it would happen, yet it still angered him. But he looked up fearfully and yelled, "Don't kill me!"
"That was not my intention," Dumbledore replied, his face illuminated by the light. He did look impressive, but Severus had been in the services of the Dark Lord long enough to recognize true power. Dumbledore was a fool, but he was needed by Severus. "Well, Severus? What message does Lord Voldemort have for me?"
"No – no message – I'm here on my own account!" Severus panted. It was always better to stick to the truth. He was there for his own reasons, to save his Lily. He was wringing his hands, trying to look as desperate as he felt. It was a dangerous gamble, but one he was willing to risk to gain what was his by right and customs. "I – I come with a warning – no, a request – please – "
Dumbledore flicked his wand, and moments later, silence fell around them. "What request could a Death Eater make of me?"
"The – the prophecy…the prediction…Trelawney…" Severus replied, looking up.
"Ah, yes," Dumbledore spoke. "How much did you relay to Lord Voldemort?"
"Everything – everything I heard!" Snape said. "That is why – it is for that reason – he thinks it means Lily Evans!"
"The prophecy did not refer to a woman," Dumbledore reminded him. "It spoke of a boy born at the end of July –"
"You know what I mean! He thinks it means her son, he is going to hunt her down – kill them all –" Severus didn't have to fake his dread at that thought. He didn't want all of them dead, he really didn't. It was just James Potter and his spawn, Lily was meant to be his.
"If she means so much to you," Dumbledore pointed out, "surely Lord Voldemort will spare her? Could you not ask for mercy for the mother, in exchange for the son?"
"I have – I have asked him –" Severus lied. We would soon, but he hadn't had time for that yet. Still, he would ask, once the time was right, he would ask. All he needed was the time, the time he was about to buy himself.
"You disgust me," Dumbledore said, contempt in his voice. Severus shrank back a bit. He was still without a wand, and whatever the Dark Lord said, Dumbledore was still powerful.
"You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?"
Severus didn't deny it. Even the Headmaster knew of his hatred for Potter. And claiming to want to save the boy –a boy! Worse even! He would likely grow up to be just like his father –when it had been him to sell them out wouldn't work.
"Hide them all, then," he begged, fighting down the revulsion he felt at having to do that. "Keep her – them – safe. Please."
"And what will you give me in return, Severus?" Dumbledore asked.
"In – in return?" Severus gaped at Dumbledore, not expecting the Headmaster, the leader of the opposition, the one man who everyone assumed to be too noble to use every advantage, to make demands for the safety of his followers. Severus didn't have the time to marvel at that, though. He needed to act. He said, "Anything."
"Well, then, Severus," Dumbledore replied, relaxing slightly. "You will work for me. You will be my spy among his followers, and in return, I will arrange for their protection. Keep it in mind, Severus; you will be in my debt."
"For Lily, I will do anything," Severus said, and he meant it. In exchange for her, he would give Dumbledore secrets. And in time, he would get Lily, and then, he would have his payment for the betrayal. Paid, he could end his services.
Dumbledore explained a safe way of communication to Severus and left.
Severus picked up his wand. It had taken too long to come to an understanding, but he would sleep far better, knowing his plans were in motion.
Then he left to pay an old housemate a visit and spent a bit of his anger. Sadly, children didn't fight back, but he'd have his fun with the parents. Slow, agonizing, gory fun.
Just as he arrived, a new terrible thought came to him. What if Lily didn't recognize him, what if she had been too destroyed by Potter to know love? All his work, all his lies, and she didn't share his feelings? What if she had been corrupted too much by Potter to listen to reason and her oldest, dearest, only true friend?
But then, what did it matter? He would still be there for her, and he wouldn't give her up. No, he wouldn't believe she would ever be lost without hope. If she didn't want him at first, then he would know she had been too deeply indoctrinated by Potter. Another of his crimes for sure, and the more Severus thought about it, the more he realized it would be the truth. But it wouldn't matter. If she wouldn't listen, he would have to prove his love for her. With the Dark Lord against her, she wouldn't be allowed her wand, of course she wouldn't be. That meant, logically, that she would be helpless, and only his kindness would keep her alive. His endless kindness. He rather liked that thought. If she didn't like him back at first, he would show her just how much he cared, just how kind he was. He would have to show her true love, day after day, night after night. No matter how much she would fight it, he'd still have a wand and she wouldn't. And didn't true love always win in the end? Yes, yes it did, he mused, knocking at the door. So reasonably speaking, she would have to come around in the end. No matter how long it would take, in the end, she would come to love him. No matter long it would take, he would make her forget Potter. No matter how long it would take, he would flush every bit of Potter out of her; he would remove the taint from her, until only dear, sweet, pure, beautiful Lily would remain.
He could almost taste it, he could almost smell her in the air, he could almost feel her, he could almost hear her voice again. How much he longed to hear her voice again, to hear her say his name again without the hate Potter had instilled in her.
And he'd be good to her. He knew he would be good. He was her prince, he was the Prince. Wasn't that telling? He was a Prince, he would get his princess, and he had chosen Lily. After a childhood of cruelty and disrespect, he would get his sweet Lily, his princess. He would be reunited with her.
The door opened, and Conway –now Whitmore –glanced out at him.
"Yes?" she asked, looking around nervously.
"It is I, Severus Snape," he told her. "I have come straight from a meeting with the Headmaster with news for you and your husband." Oh, how true that was. He had news for them, deadly news, only, they didn't come from the Headmaster, but the only master Severus Snape would ever truly bend to.
"The Headmaster? Dumbledore? I already told him I don't want to have anything to do with him and his allies."
"He hasn't sent me here with an offer or to ask you to join him," Severus told her with a slight nod. "Could I come in? It is best not to linger on doorsteps these days."
Conway –now Whitmore stepped aside just as her husband came through a door. It was too easy, too easy. Foolish girl, Severus thought, you have just let your death over the threshold.
"I thought…you were going…to keep her…safe…" Severus choked, sitting on the chair, not knowing what to think. His great gamble, all the risks he had taken, all the secrets he had sold out, yet he had lost what he had wanted to protect in the first place. He had been used.
"She and James put their faith in the wrong person," Dumbledore said. "Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her?"
Severus felt like dying. She was dead, the one person in the world he would have done everything for, had died, and all his work had been for nothing. He had delivered the Dark Lord the Whitmore child, he had murdered, tortured, betrayed. He had spied for the Dark Lord when his deal with Dumbledore had come to light, had endured the punishment for going behind his master's back. He had played his role, had done what he had been told, and all for nothing.
"Her boy survives," Dumbledore said.
Severus' head jerked to the side. So the boy had survived the attack, but Lily had still died. He had been meant to die, he had been meant to be killed, to rid the world of the one taint, yet instead of a worthless child, dear, precious Lily had been killed. And now she was dead and together with Potter for all eternity.
"Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and color of Lily Evans's eyes, I am sure?"
"DON'T!" Severus shouted. How cruel was fate to give Lily's life, Lily's chance to the boy? And worse, to taunt him with the eyes! It was his punishment, to know her chance had been given to the boy instead. "Gone…dead…" Parted, kept from him, from the one she was meant to belong to.
"Is this remorse, Severus?" Dumbledore inquired.
"I wish…I wish I were dead…" Severus really wished for death. Living in a world without her would mean nothing anymore, and perhaps he could join her in afterlife.
"And what use would that be to anyone?" Dumbledore told him. "If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."
Severus awoke from his dark thoughts at those words. He didn't see a path, but his mind might overlook something, a hope left to him. "What – what do you mean?" he asked, trying to find the one hope he might have overlooked.
"You know how and why she died," Dumbledore said. "Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son."
"He does not need protection," Severus replied, sinking back into himself. What did he care about the boy? If he wasn't protected by whatever Dumbledore had put up, Severus might just do it himself. "The Dark Lord has gone –"
"The Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does."
Severus didn't know what to say to that. The return of the Dark Lord meant he would one day return to the one master he could accept, to the one who was meant to rule. But then, it also meant a hope Severus hadn't seen at first. If the Dark Lord could come back, if the greatest wizard to ever live could defeat death and return, maybe there was still a way for Severus as well? His mind started to work again. Cheating death would require a lot of work, he was sure of that. But he would try it. He would work on it. Maybe he could recreate her body from what he kept of her in his house? Then all he needed to do was reach out into the afterlife, get her back. Then after all that time, after paying the price and doing the work, after all the suffering he had had to endure without her, after letting Potter taint her for months without stopping it, after all the death he had brought upon the world to earn his price, his Lily, he would be reunited with her, whether she wanted to or not. He'd have earned it, he'd have earned her.
"Very well. Very well. But never – never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear…especially Potter's son…I want your word!" He couldn't allow anyone to know about his affection for Lily. The less people knew about that, the less they would look into him. Black, Lupin, Dumbledore, those knew or might know. Lupin, the werewolf, hardly anyone would talk to him. And if need be, he could always reveal him for what he was. After that, his word would be worthless. Black, he would be a problem. If Severus ever got the chance, he would silence the man. Nothing would stand in his way; nothing would keep him from his Lily. And Dumbledore was still too honourable to go back on his word. If he promised not to tell, he wouldn't. He would take the secret to his grave, and nothing would change that. No, if the boy had to live, he couldn't be allowed to know.
"My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?" Dumbledore sighed, looking down to Severus. "If you insist…"
And Severus rose from his seat, knowing what he had to do. He needed to create a body for Lily. And once he would have her back, once he would have his payment, he wouldn't let her go. She would be his and his alone, and no one else would ever lay a claim on her again. And then, she would be his, body and soul, without anyone knowing. His cellar, he could easily extend it a bit, and she'd be safe from the world and safe from prying eyes. And more than that, she'd be there, waiting for him, every day of his life, his sweet, dear, lovely, kind Lily. Once she would be where she was supposed to be and his, he would gladly burn the world. Then finally he could end them, the ignorants, the fools, his enemies; the Dark Lord in power forever. Then, finally, all would be well.
Death to all who stood against him. Death to all who dared to challenge Severus Snape.