Hey everyone! This story was originally supposed to be a one shot, but I got so many people begging me to continue that I did! Maybe I'll do a couple more…right now I'm really busy, but hey, I'm good at multi tasking. Anyway, thank you so much to the kind people who reviewed me, and I present to you a SECOND helping of THE HEART OF THE IDIOTS!
THE GAUNTLET IS THROWN
Or if you're Japanese
TRAP OF THE ILLUSIONIST FACELESS MAGE
---ooo---
TWO IN THE MORNING AT THE KAIBA RESIDENCE
"I lost to Yugi…I lost to Yugi…I lost to Yugi…" Seto rattled onto himself in pain, eyes bugged out to the size of picture windows, shaking hands clenched on an oversized coffee mug that said "don't ask me about my day" and wearing pajamas, sporting the uncombed hair look.
"He Seto…" Mokeba said uneasily, opening the door to his home office. "Are you okay?"
"I lost to Yugi," Seto said.
"Yes Seto, that's what I've been told…nonstop…day and night…" Mokuba said.
"I lost to Yugi," Seto repeated.
"Seto, you haven't eaten, slept, gone to school, combed your hair, gone online, or even consumed a beverage that doesn't contain caffeine for the past three days!" Mokuba said. "Is there anything I can do to ease your emotional pain?"
"I lost to Yugi," Seto said.
"Can you say a sentence that contains the letter 'e'?" Mokuba asked.
"I lost to Yugi," Seto said.
"Would yelling at someone make you feel better?" Mokuba asked. "Go ahead, you can try on me, I won't hold it against you!"
"I lost to Yugi," Seto whispered.
"Okay, not working," Mokuba said. "I know! Why don't we place chess? That always makes you feel better!"
"I lost to Yugi," Seto said.
"Okay, I see we're going to have to get desperate here," Mokuba said, pulling out a laptop computer. "Looky! I got a shiny laptop!"
"I lost to Yugi," Seto said.
"Darn," Mokuba said, chucking the laptop out the window.
"OW! MY EYE!" a random pedestrian screamed outside.
"How about a super shiny calculator?" Mokuba asked, holding one up. "It even has a graphing option!"
"I lost to Yugi," Seto said.
"Darn," Mokuba said, chucking the calculator out the same window.
"OW! MY OTHER EYE!" screamed the random pedestrian.
"Alright, how about Mr. Snuggles McBlussey?" said Mokuba, pulling out a cuddly Blue Eyes White Dragon Plushie. Seto's attention was for a second diverted from the thought that he lost to Yugi. In an extremely quick motion, he grabbed the plushie out of Mokuba's hands, strangling it against his body.
Silence.
"I lost to Yugi…" Seto said, tears welling up in his eyes.
"Oh man, we're going to have to get desperate," said Mokuba. "Seto, you will hate me for doing this but…it's the only way…so I'm going to tie you up to a chair against your will, and make you watch Lifetime Original Movies!"
"I lost to Yugi?" Seto asked.
---ooo---
THE NEXT DAY, AT BEAUTIFUL DOMINO HIGH SCHOOL
"HA HA! YOU'RE DEAD TEA!" screamed Joey triumphantly. "My sissy Rock Ogre Grotto, a weak and pathetic monster, is in attack mode! YOU'RE GONNA LOO-OSE, YOU'RE GOONA LOO-OSE-"
Tea watched as Joey preformed a pathetic victory dance by jumping on a chair and doing such self demeaning actions as arm waving, butt shaking, etc.
"I play my Harpy Lover in attack," said Tea, flip summoning it.
"Ha! It's even more of a sissy than my monster!" Joey said.
"And then I play Wind of the Gods, which destroys all sissy rock monsters and turns them into a pile of rubble, and dropping the idiot duelist's life points to zero," said Tea. "Joey keeping up your trend in life, you lose."
"WOO-HOO!" Joey screamed, doing an even sillier victory dance, slipping off his chair, thankfully, before he could tear his shirt off.
"You're a loser," Tristan observed.
"YEAH? SO?" Joey said.
"Come on Joey!" Yugi said, giving Joey a friendly pat on the back. "Lets have a masculine support talk outside!"
---ooo---
OUTSIDE
"And then I baked this awesome blueberry muffin, and all of the happy magical squirrels in the enchanted forest said it was the best they have ever seen!" said Yugi, holding up a pink teapot covered in white flowers with Joey on a pretty picnic blanket. "And that was when I was ridding the blue pony! You should have seen me on the pink one! More tea?"
"Sure!" said Joey, holding out his cup, as Yugi filled it with imaginary tea. "So anyway Yugi, how come I can never win any duels?"
"Let's see you're deck!" said Yugi, picking it up, and looking through it. "Mushroom Monster? Pickle Monster? Ketchup Monster? Toilet Monster? Toilet Paper Monster? The Fartinair?"
"That's mah favorite card!" Joey said.
"But Joey, when The Fartinair is summoned, you automatically lose the duel!" said Yugi. "And you can't just have a deck constructed of nothing but worthlessly pathetic monsters! Everyone knows that!"
"OF COURSE!" Joey screamed. "How could I be so stupid?"
"They should really do a 20/20 Investigation on that question," said Yugi.
"YUGI! THAT'S IT! I COULD TRAIN WITH YOU AND YOUR ANCIENT GRANDFATHER, AND I CAN BE A SMARTER, COOLER, MORE KICK BUTT DUELIST! IT'S BRILLIANT! BRILLIAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!" Joey screamed.
"Yeah…" Yugi said.
---ooo---
AT THE KAME GAME STORE
"HEY GRAMPAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Yugi, once again casting a beam of light into the dark, dusty, airless, and tomb-like game shop. "I brought over some boob you can teach Duel Monsters to!"
"She sure is!" Grandpa said, looking Yugi in the eye. "How long have you had a star-shaped head little girl?"
"NO GRANDPA! I'M YUGI, YOUR GRANDSON! THIS BLONDE IDIOT IS THE BOOB!" screamed Yugi.
"He sure is!" said Grandpa happily. "And don't scream Yugi. I'm not that old."
"WHAT?" Yugi screamed.
"Anyway, I don't know if I can teach him Yugi," said Grandpa, as Joey stared stupidly back on him due to his brain being on screensaver. "He looks like he's in a vegetative state. And on top of being stupid, Duel Monsters is a complicated game that could rot his tiny mind."
"It's not that hard, all you need to do is spend a million dollars on cards like Seto's does and-" Yugi started.
"SHUT UP!" screamed Grandpa.
"I'M AWAKE!" Joey said.
"Okay, well, I always had a weakness for stupid animals!" said Grandpa. "Okay Joey, what is the strongest monster in Duel Monsters?"
"THE FARTINAIR!" Joey screamed.
"WRONG!" screamed Grandpa, hitting him with a keyboard from some random computer. "What's the weakest?"
"BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON!" Joey screamed.
"WRONG!" said Grandpa, bonking him again. "What's a trap card?"
"A card placed face down on the field and is triggered when a monster attacks, when a card is drawn, ec cetra!" said Joey.
"WRONG!" screamed Grandpa, bonking him again. "What's my name?"
"Uh…" Joey started.
"WRONG!" said Grandpa. "What's the average rainfall of the Nile River Basin?"
"I DON'T KNOW!" Joey screamed.
"Wrong!" Grandpa said, bonking him again. "What's your name?"
"TOO MANY QUESTIONS!" Joey screamed.
---ooo---
A PERIOD OF NOTHING PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT HAPPENING LATTER
"-Oh David, I might as well come out with it now," said a woman on TV as Mokuba watched and ate popcorn at the same time, while Seto just stared lifelessly at it. "Ever since we got married, you've tried to treat me like a little doll who never does anything wrong. So I'm coming clean! I'm pregnant with another man's baby, I'm a mindless psycho, and I've bankrupted your families fortune on wine, men, and close harmony tenor singers!"
"Oh, that's alright then," said the guy.
"I lost to Yugi…" Seto said, tears welling up in his eyes.
"Sh, David's talking!" said Mokuba. "He has such a LOVELY speaking voice."
"I…lost…to Yugi…" Seto said.
"Seto, are you having one of those seizures that make you do something something incredibly stubborn and/or stupid?" asked Mokuba.
"I LOST TO YU-GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" screamed Seto, jumping across the couch, bounding to the other side of the room, pulling up a window, and jumping out.
"SETO! NO! THAT'S A THRID STORY WINDOW!" said Mokuba, rushing over to it and looking out. "Oh no, HE'S DEAD! Wait no, he's getting up…he's only broken his leg…jeez, I have to go out and save him again. Thankfully I can drive a helicopter."
---ooo---
"Ah, I love taking a walk out on a quiet dusk!" said Bakura, strolling out of his apartment to get a little execise. "It's feels so wonderful! The sun's setting, you can see the birds flying back to sit on their adorable baby birds to keep them warm, I can feel the air slowly getting cool…it's just so peacefully. I wish all day could be like this!"
"I LOST TO YUGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" screamed Seto, screaming African War Chants right by Bakura in his pajamas, leaving Bakura in a cloud of dust.
Bakura just stared at him bolting away in silence.
"I think one of my eyes just burnt out," he said.
---ooo---
"Hellooooo Duelists!" said an announcer on TV that suddenly appeared out of nowhere in the fist episode, as Joey drooled at the sight of all the pretty light coming from it, and Yugi, Tea, and Tristan there as well, all sitting by the light of a bunch of candles, since Grandpa thought newfangled "electricity, running water and indoor plumbing" garbage was just a silly fad. "Tonight's contestants in the finals are the two stupid duelists who have stupid names and sick fixtations with a certain type of animal! Weevil Underwood and Rex Raptor! Feel free to clap and laugh at their stupid names and stupid hairdos!"
"THEY'RE SO AWESOME!" Joey said, drooling.
"Unlike you," Tristan and Tea said simultaneously.
"Joey, after everything Grandpa put you through, I'm surprised you aren't dead by tonight!" Yugi said. "He made you memorize card names, beat you with assorted types of fruit when you acted stupid, made you wash all of the stains from the fruit juice out of your clothes, and even made you give him foot massages and manicure/pedicures when he got bored!"
"Yeah! It was so much fun!" Joey said. "I'M EMOTIONALLY SCARED FOR LIFE! WOO-HOO!"
"Joey you useless moron," said Grandpa, "you tried so hard, and since you made my feet feel like their seventy five again, I want you to know…I love you. With all my heart. And I want to kick out Yugi so you can be my new grandson, and inherit the vast empire I have conquered as of yesterday, and my vast fortune that I saved for a complete boob who I could trick into rubbing my putrid feet."
"Did you say something?" Joey asked.
"ANYWAY! Yugi, you got a mysterious ticking package and another one that's wrapped in pretty pink paper," said Grandpa.
"COOL!" Yugi said, grabbing the package in pretty paper and chucking the other out closed window, shattering the glass and causing the package to blow up the street below, and taking a long whiff of it. "Ah…it smells like pine soap…"
"Can I smell it Yugi?" asked Joey.
"NO! MY PINEY FRESH SCENT!" screamed Yugi, holding the package to his body.
"Note to self, priority, get new friends," said Tea into a portable voice recorder
"Awesome, it's starting!" said Tristan.
---ooo---
"Must…fight…trauma," said Bakura, grabbing a telephone pole to hang on tight to. "Must…not…collapse and…die…in…road…"
"Excuse me," said Mokuba, running up to Bakura with a huge butterfly net. "You look severely traumatized. Have you seen a guy who hasn't done any form of self-grooming for days run by here in his pajamas?"
"That…way…" choked Bakura, pointing in the direction Seto ran.
"Thanks!" said Mokuba, heading off.
---ooo---
"I play my kick butt Two Headed T-Rex ya stupid bug boy," said Rex.
"I play a sissy insect to distract you so that you can die laughing!" said Weevil.
"WAH AHA HAHAHAHAHAH-ACH!" screamed Rex, while having an extreme fit of laughter, fainted on the floor.
"REX RAPTOR HAS DIED LAUGHING!" said the announcer. "The winner is WEEVIL UNDERWOOD!"
"Um, actually, I'm not dead," said Rex.
"THE WINNER-" said the announcer, walking over and stepping on Rex's face, "will receive the trophy from the creator of Duel Monsters! Let's all give a big fat 'boo' to Maximillion Pegasus!"
"Thank you good people!" said Peggy, who appeared from a trap door on the middle of the arena, carrying a huge trophy over to Weevil, also stepping on Rex's body. "Now, I invite sissy bug boy and whatever I'm standing on to my Fantasy Island to compete for a fat wad o' cash!"
"YAY!" screamed Weevil.
"Hwuh," said Rex, under the weight of two people.
---ooo---
"So you're telling me you still couldn't find that stupid 'Xena: Warior Princess' season?" asked Pegasus. "You disappoint me Croquet."
"I'm sorry oh great and attractive-to-the-opposite-sex master," said Croquet.
"Whatever," said Pegasus. "Oh yeah, did you deliver the package to Yugi?"
"Yes sir," said Croquet.
"And the Bomb?" asked Pegasus.
"Yes sir," said Croquet.
"EXCELLENT!" screamed Pegasus. "EVIL LAUGHING TIME! MUA HA HA HA! MUA HA HA HA! MUA HA HA HA!"
"I LOST TO YUGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" screamed Seto, running by the limo.
"SETO! COME BACK! HOW MANY TRANQUILIZERS DO I HAVE TO USE ON YOU?" screamed Mokuba, hot on his tail.
The two sat in silence.
"Did you see that Croquet?" asked Pegasus.
"Did you see it sir?" asked Croquet.
"No," said Pegasus.
"I didn't either sir," said Croquet.
"I need a hug," said Pegasus, so Croquet hugged him.
---ooo---
"THAT WAS SO COOL!" said Joey. "When I grow up, I WANNA BE A CHOO-CHOO TRAIN DRIVER JUST LIKE THEM!"
"PINE SCENT TIME!" said Yugi, tearing up his package and looking inside. "Aw, there aren't any pine trees here! Just a stupid glove, some neat star charms, a dead skunk, and a tape!"
"WOOT! CARION!" screamed Joey, hugging the dead skunk. "You're going to be my new best friend! I'm going to name you…JIMMY!"
"Okay…" said Yugi. "THIS MUST BE THE NEW BARNEY TAPE I ORDERED! AWESOME!"
He stuffed the tape in the VCR, and there was a huge static ball on the TV, as Joey started stupidly at it.
"This is awesome, isn't Jimmy!" said Joey.
"Uh Joey, it works better if you change it to channel three," said Yugi, as Pegasus's face appeared on the screen.
"BOR-ING!" screamed Joey.
"Hello Yugi-boy!" said Pegasus. "Guess what? I saw you beat Seto Kaiba's behind in Duel Monsters, and pushed him over the edge, making him completely insane! SO I WANT TO GO INSANE TOO! Duel this video tape, with only a fifteen minute time limit!"
"Hi Barney!" said Yugi.
"Another weird and stupid duel?" said Tea. "You know what that means…"
YUGI-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
Once again, we unfortunately bear witness to a sad and sorry background scream, and Yugi's hair got bigger, his eyes became square, and he became, YAMI YUGI! A dark and mysterious single white man, who likes animals, cooking, and shows on Nick at Night, as well as angsty, Gothic Manga for girls. His number is-
"SHUT UP ALREADY!" screamed everyone except Not-Yugi and Pegasus.
"I was listening to that!" said Pegasus. "ANYWAY! Yugi boy, I hope you're ready to get your sorry butt kicked! DUEL TIME!"
"Okay!" said Yami. "I've never dueled a tape recording before! It could be fun!"
"Won't it be though?" said Pegasus. "But first…FREEZE!"
Then suddenly, the lights turned off, and the floor started moving, and everyone…well, froze. Look, I don't feel like writing this scene dramatically, okay? What do I look, professional? NO! So read the rest of this trashy story, shut up, AND DON'T YOU WATCH TV UNTIL YOU'RE DONE WITH YOUR HOMEWORK YOUNG LADY!
"What was that?" asked Pegasus, looking at the narration, setting a card face down.
"I…don't know…" said Not-Yugi. "ANYWAY! I PLAY-"
"Koumori Dragon, with 1500 attack points, and then afterward plan to do a stupid victory dance, which includes taking off your shirt?" asked Pegasus.
"HOW DID YOU KNOW?" asked Not-Yugi.
"I guessed!" said Pegasus.
"Oh, that makes sense!" said Not-Yugi cheerfully.
"In that case, I activate Dragon Capture Jar! This card sucks stupid dragons into the TV!" said Pegasus, as an image of the dragon got sucked into the TV.
"NOOOOOO!" screamed Not-Yugi. "TV! HOW COULD YOU BE SO MEAN?"
"Because, stupid, we are in the Shadow Realm!" said Pegasus, wiggling his fingers and saying 'Shadow Realm' dramatically. "Once upon a time, anywhere from three-to-five-thousand years ago, there was a game played in ancient Egypt called the shadow game, used for entertainment, appeasing the gods, and warding off the dreaded Wicked Mushroom of the West! Anyway, They'd do it in other dimensions, just like we're doing know, but they did it with real monsters! Really cuddly ones to! Ones that sang and danced, and breathed candy which the Egyptians would eat while playing in the parks, with nice toy trains and dollies and carts that went vroom vroom vroom, and no one ever saw the Wicked Mushroom of the West again! The end!"
"That was…such a beautiful story…" said Not-Yugi, as Pegasus closed up the story book.
"Thank you!" said Pegasus. "Now it's time to destroy you!'
"Oh boy!" said Not-Yugi.
"Now, I play Dragon Piper! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC!" screamed Pegasus, as the Dragon Piper belted out some tunes, and Koumori Dragon shifted to attack mode. "MER HER! Do your worst!"
"Okay!" said Yugi. "I summon my sissy monster, Silver Fang! WOOT!"
"Idiot, I didn't mean literally," said Pegasus. "Just because of that, I'll destroy 200 life points more than I should. YAY!"
So the Silver Fang got destroyed, and Not-Yugi's life points when down to 1500.
"And now for something completely different," said the Monty Python announcer person, walking by.
---ooo---
"Whew, thank goodness I managed to make it home safe," said Ryo, turning the keys into the lock to his apartment door. "I've learned my lesson! Always walk with a buddy."
"Alright buddy," said Seto behind Ryo, as a huge bazooka clicked and was laid across the back of his neck. "I ain't hurtin' ya if you do what ya sposed to do. Turn out your pockets, and hand over any valuables you have!"
"All I have is seventy two cents and a bus token!" said Ryo, pulling them out of his pocket.
"That's sad," said Seto, firing up the bazooka. "I think all I have is the urge to pump ya guts! Say g'night you British Baka."
"SETO! STOP IT!" screamed Mokuba, running up the stair to Ryo. "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
"Seto?" asked Seto. "Who the frick is Seto? Are you crazy?"
"Wait a minute," said Mokuba. "This has happened before. When Seto has a breakdown, he first runs through the streets in pajamas, then he thinks he's John Gahti!"
"HOW D'YA KNOW MY NAME?" screamed Seto, dropping his bazooka and running up next to a window. "This isn't over! Me and mah boys will be stopin' back soon, so you mugs better be writing up your wills! I'LL BE BACK!"
And with that, once again, he jumped out the window.
"Sorry about that," said Mokuba to Ryo, but Ryo had already passed out.
---ooo---
DANG IT! thought Not-Yugi. Now what am I going to do? I need to think clearly. Should I play the woosy skeleton, or a card that I draw from my deck? Uh…oh the choices of stupidity! I CAN'T THINK! Wait! I got it!
"Ha! I know you're going to play a woosy Skeleton monster!" said Pegasus. "So I get to have fun and activate this card-"
"NOT SO FAST PEGASUS FANCY-SCMANCY-BOGGLY-PANTS!" said Not-Yugi. "I play a monster from the top of my deck, which thanks to IRONY is the cross dressing Dark Magician!"
"FOR GOD SAKES, I'M NOT CROSSDRESSING STUPID!" said the Dark Magician.
"WHATEVER SLAVE!" said Not-Yugi. "DESTROY THE KOUMORI DRAGON!"
"You idiot!" said Pegasus.
"Yes!" said Not-Yugi and frozen Joey.
"IF YOU ATTACKED MY DRAGON PIPER, I WOULD HAVE LOST 2300 LIFE POINTS AND LOST!" said Pegasus.
"So?" Not-Yugi asked.
"I PLAY ILLUSIONIST THE FACELESS MAGE!" said Pegasus, as the weirdo puppet thing appeared. "Now I get to KICK YOUR SORRY BUTT!"
"YAY!" said Not-Yugi.
"Now I combine Faceless Mage with the Eye of Illusion!" said Peggy.
"HA!" said Not-Yugi. "DESTROY HIS SISSY MONSTER, MY SISSY MONSTER!"
And as the Dark Magician tried to attack from his sparkly, magical-girl kind of wand, it bounced back and put a huge scorch mark on its butt.
"Aw, you burnt your dress," said Yugi.
"NOT A DRESS!" said the Dark Magician.
"Whatever. I summon Celtic Guardian!" said Not-Yugi. "KICK HIS SORRY BUTT!"
But Celtic Guardian got zapped and turned into a smoking crater…by the Dark Magician.
"Oh, and here's a fun effect!" said Pegasus. "Now, I get to take control of your Dark Magician Woman-"
"DARK MAGICIAN! I-AM-NOT-A-GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL!" screamed Dark Magician, on Pegasus's side.
"Well if your monster doesn't have it's fancy eye of illusion, IT DEFENCELESS!" said Not-Yugi. "I summon Summoned Skull! PR3PR3 4 S0M3 B0X3R ROCK3N!"
And just as Summoned Skull was about to turn into a smoldering crater-
"TIME'S UP!" said Peggy. "Oh boy, guess what…YOU LOST! Now it's time for my favorite part of the game…HUMILIATING THE LOSER!"
And with that, Pegasus pulled back his huge bangs, and used a huge, fancy, not real eye stuck in his eye socket to suck in a picture of Yugi's Grandpa into the TV
"YUGI YOU LOSER!" yelled Grandpa in the TV.
After that, everything went back to normal.
"WOOT! I feel stupid!" said Joey.
"Hey, what happened to Grandpa?" Tea asked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Yugi screamed. "MEAN TV!"
---ooo---
"That was a close one," said Seto, walking away from the apartment complex. "Those mugs nearly figured me out. Oh well. It's all smooth sailing from here. I just need to get back to the house."
"Excuse me," said three men dressed in black, along with dark sunglasses and heavy New York accents. "We…uh, here to take you to…a picnic."
"A picnic?" Seto asked.
"I thought we was gonna take Mr. Gahti back to his-" a second mobster said.
"SHUT IT!" screamed the other two.
"Oooooh," said Seto. "That picnic."
---ooo---
What the heck is going on? Will Yugi get his grandpa's soul back? Will Tea get new friends? Will Joey overcome his stupidity? Of course not. Will Ryo escape ultimate trauma? Who is Pegasus? Will Mokuba be able to stop Seto before this whole mob thing get's too far? Find out on the third and final part of this trilogy, a THIRD Helping of the Heart of the Idiots! Coming…whenever.