Gossip Mongers
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts II
Pairing: Xaldin/Xigbar
Rating: R (near the end)
Keywords: Spying. Theories. Evidence.
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"…I say he lost in one helluva gunfight! Probably lost it when one of the enemy managed to snipe it off, or he misfired and ended up with a gun arrow sticking out the front side of his skull."
They both looked down from atop the skyscraper, watching the Freeshooter expertly gun down scrambling and panicking Shadows with ease. They shook their heads in disappointment as yet another theory was shot down.
"He doesn't seem like the type to make mistakes like that. He probably lost it when he was still one with his other, you know…maybe an accident happened to him in the labs or something, or he tripped and fell. Hard."
They both looked from atop the skyscraper yet again, watching their Second-in-Command nimbly sashay around the Shadows that decided to fight back and drop a gun arrow into them with a wicked smile. The fact that he had been doing this pointless if relaxing exercise for more than hour was enough of a testament to the stamina and limber still present in his old bones. They frowned and shook their heads in disagreement as yet another idea was thrown into the gutter.
"I think he lost it because someone in the Organization ripped it from his head." Demyx shrugged. "I really, really, really don't know. I'm kinda running out of ideas here."
"No, no. I think…" Axel tapped his chin thoughtfully, eyes still concentrated on the Sniper and his way of practicing target shooting. "…that your theory may just be a possibility."
The blonde's face lit up. "Really? You mean it?"
"Sure do. Take a look."
The arrival of Xaldin interrupted Xigbar's practice. The look on the Lancer's face told all that he was not pleased in the slightest, though in what exactly was a mystery. The look on the Freeshooter's face, however, told all that he was more than happy to see Xaldin, as he began sniggering for no reason at all, much to his companion's irritation. He began yelling at Xigbar, prodding the other's chest with an accusing finger and growling like mad as his superior's laughter fell quiet to nothing but coy chuckles.
Axel raised an eyebrow. Demyx blinked stupidly.
"Hn. I always thought Saix was the one who took it, you know, with him being so…berserker-y…"
They turned to each other as the ideas began forming in their heads.
"I think Xaldin was running around the castle with scissors and tripped and fell on Xigbar while doing it!"
"Nah, he probably had a practice session with the old man go bad and Xigbar got a face full of lance."
"Or maybe Xigbar just happened to annoy Xaldin to the point of pure fury while in the kitchen and Xaldin forked it out and cooked it with his scrambled eggs!"
"Okay, now that's just gross. He probably just fed it to one of his dragoons."
"Or…maybe Xaldin has a whole lot of piercings on his manliness and while he and Xigbar were making out (with him on top of course) he pushed in too hard, Xigbar was driven over the edge and-POP!!-there goes old righty! Goodbye eye, hello awkward afterglow!"
"Demyx! What the hell?!" Axel stuck his tongue out in disgust. "What kind of a theory is that?! That isn't even humanly possible! I mean, if the sex is good and all, sure you may see stars, golden flashing light, and it may even knock you out if it's that intense, but I mean to actually be able to po—ANYWAY! That can't, won't and shouldn't happen! I mean…" he narrowed his eyes. "How do you even know that Xaldin's got metal on his good friend?"
"He showed me." Demyx chimed innocently.
"WHAT?!"
"You wanna see?" He grinned.
"WHAT?!"
"Just take a look down there." Demyx pointed down to where Xaldin and Xigbar were.
Though now, they weren't exactly arguing anymore. Xigbar was on his knees in front of Xaldin, long silver-streaked hair flowing freely down his back and face a mere few inches away from Xaldin's groin area. Xaldin's coat was opened at the front, exposing his well-built (and frankly hairy) chest; his hands were gripping the back of Xigbar's head like a vice as he forced the Freeshooter to take him in. Axel's and Demyx's eyes widened in shock and horror at the sight of it.
It was…impressive, to say the least. Its size alone would be enough to scare away many a small animal who would mistake it for a snake reared up and ready to strike. And if the largeness of the member wasn't enough of a marvel already, the sheer number of silver barbells running down the shaft itself alone would be terrifying enough. And at the very head, two piercings shaped like two tiny horns rested comfortably at what would promise to be an extremely painful entrance.
While it horrified both Organization members, Xigbar appeared to be entranced by the very sight of it, eagerly licking his lips and wrapping his hands around it as he opened his mouth to take it in.
Xaldin stopped him. The Freeshooter pouted and looked up at him utter disappointment. The Lancer was too busy surveying the surrounding buildings to notice, looking angrier than when he first arrived. He crossed his arms over his chest and huffed a bit as he snarled, screaming to the sky.
"VIII! IX! If you ever plan on spying on us like this again, the least you can do is make sure your gaping visages aren't visible for us to see!"
"…DAMN."
"He's good."
"In more ways than one."
"Hm?"
"They're gone."
And Axel was right. Where two higher-ranking nobodies once stood, nothing was left to speak of their presence in that particular spot. The two nobodies looked around nervously to check if their superiors were going to drop in on them suddenly and give them a beating for being there to watch what they did behind Xemnas' back. Thankfully enough, Xaldin and Xigbar made no such appearances, and they relaxed into each other, back to back with relieved sighs.
"Say, Demyx?"
"Yes Axel?"
"Hold on to that thought…"
"The last idea?"
"Yeah…I think we may have something."
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Credits:
-I consider this to be something of a mini-tribute to Empress-Eerian-Sadow and "Watcher" one of the very first and still very good XalXig fanfics I ever encountered.
-HbO's idea for Xigbar's lost eye basically prompted the whole fic. Nutter theory belongs to her, not moi, which saddens me 'til now.
-Psycrowe's idea for Xigbar losing ocular bliss to the insanity that is "Xaldin-running-like-a-freak-with-scissors-HOSNAP" belongs to her.