He knew he should stop. He knew it was wrong. He was married; he had a child on the way, and what had he told his wife?
'Lily, I'm going out for a drink with some guys from work!'
He couldn't help it. He was addicted. How had it come to this? He wasn't sure. He supposed it was just before they left on the train, finishing their seventh year. He had caught him in the Astronomy Tower, crying. Of course, the old nickname had come to his mind, but for some reason James couldn't bring himself to make fun of the boy. Instead he had simply watched him out of the corner of his eyes while acting like he was staring at the grounds of Hogwarts, and the lake. Of course the boy had been suspicious and even drew his wand and stopped his sniffling, but after a good hour of sitting like that, they both accepted each other's presence.
It was awkward, of course, how both stood up to leave from sitting on the ledge and met at the doorway to the stairs, James the noticed how much taller he was than the boy, and he wasn't sure what made him do it. But he tilted his head up and kissed him. Of course, it was all a shock, and when it was over, both walked away without another word. But, for the next five months James couldn't take his mind off that small kiss that wasn't even returned.
[Flashback]
November 20th, 1978.
"You're never going to believe who just walked in…" Sirius said his jaw dropped.
"Who?" Remus asked, turning around and widening his eyes. "Is that Severus?"
"Snivellus?" Peter squeaked, turning around, too.
"I heard he fell into the Death Eater crowd…" Sirius mumbled.
"You don't think he actually follows him?" Remus asked with a frown. "I mean, I know he was more interested in Dark Arts—"
"Mate, he was knee deep." Sirius corrected.
"Now, Sirius. We don't know if he's actually a Death Eater…"
"You always try to see the good in a person, that's what's wrong with you, Remus. You need to see that not everyone is good…"
"You think I don't know that?" Remus asked, insulted. "I know fully well that—"
"What's going on?" James asked with a chuckle, claiming his seat. "Why does Remus look like he's going to strangle you, Pads?"
"They're talking about Snivellus."
James tensed. "What do you mean? Why?"
Sirius gestured to the corner of the pub. "He just came in. Looks like he's waiting for someone."
"I'm not going sit around while you three be nosey and hold childish grudges." Remus huffed as he stood up. "Floo me when you've all grown up."
"Moony!" Sirius called with a chuckle, standing up. "He's a bit drunk; I'll make sure he gets home." Sirius winked before following the wolf out.
"You don't think he's a Death Eater, do ya', James?" Peter asked.
James blinked a few times, glancing over. "What?"
"Are you okay? You seem… out of it."
"I'm fine, Petey. Listen, mate, it's late. What do you say we get home?"
"Yeah." Peter nodded, standing up and dropping a few galleons on the table to pay for everyone's drinks before he made his way out.
James stood up and grabbed his Auror robe from the back of the chair, pulling it on before sighing. He turned around and let his eyes stop on the table that Severus was at previously, however it was empty now. He pushed his brows together and let his gaze move around the pub, not catching sign of Severus until his eyes traveled over the stairs that led up to the inn rooms. Curiosity flared through James and before he knew what he was doing, he found himself crossing the pub and heading upstairs. He slowly made his way up the stairs, his heart beating a mile a minute. When he finally reached the top of the stairs, he stared down the dark dingy hallway, trying to will his feet to stop as they made their way down it.
He was insane. He didn't even know what room Severus was in. Even if he did: Why was he walking up here? It's not like Severus would want to talk with him. Wait, when had the man become Severus? No. It's Snape, or Snivellus.
Snape.
Snape.
Snape.
The only person in the last five months James had thought about. And why? Over an unreturned kiss? This was all idiotic! He should turn and leave. Yes, turn and leave. He nodded and stopped, turning on his heel and just as he did, the door he stood next to opened and revealed a scowling Seve—Snape. James froze in the spot, staring at the dark haired man. He had grown a good two inches, as he now at least stood up to James' eyebrows.
"Hello…"
"What do you want?" Se—Snape sneered.
"I just…" What did he want? He wasn't even sure. "Are you a Death Eater?"
Severus scoffed. "Do you think I am?"
"I—I don't know."
"You're an Auror. If it's suspicious that I am a Death Eater, shouldn't you be taking me in?"
"Yes."
"Well?" Severus asked, offering his wrists that were pushed together to be cuffed.
James stared down at the wrists. He knew he should. Even if it turned out Severus wasn't a Death Eater, just for precautionary measures. "Why didn't you kiss me back?" He asked without taking his eyes off the wrists. Or maybe he didn't ask. He glanced up to meet Snape's glare. Yeah, he asked.
"Did it hurt your pride?" Severus asked, his sneer turning into a smirk. "Do you find yourself not able to kiss because one person turned down the famous Potter-charm?"
"Answer the fucking question," James growled.
"Not everyone wants to snog you, whether you wish to accept that or not, Potter."
James snapped. He reached out and grabbed hold of Severus' robes, stepping forward into the room and kicking the door closed before swirling them around so he could force Severus up against the door and then their lips together. Severus (this time) responded full force. He reached up and cupped James' neck, pulling the taller man closer.
It was hardly a kiss. It had far too much hate in it, it was too rough, and it was far too awkward when they both pulled away, panting for air.
Yet, it was the best thing that had happened to James in a while, and he wanted more.
He found himself pulled Severus roughly off the door and only releasing him so the man could fall on the bed. He pushed his Auror robes off and tossed them aside, followed by his shirt, ignoring the fact that Severus was watching each movement closely. "Get undressed," James growled, and to his surprise Severus complied.
[Flashback end]
February 25th, 1980.
It had been one year and three months since they began this… whatever it was. James every weekend would come to the same pub with his friends, or sometimes people from work. He would announce it a night at 11PM and after all his friends slipped out when their goodbyes were over, instead of going home, he would head up to the exact same room as the first night, where Severus would be waiting. They'd shag, or sometimes even just frot, and then James would lay awake staring at the ceiling with Severus' head on his chest.
It had been one year and three months since James found out Severus was a death eater, having spotted the sign the moment their clothes were off – yet he couldn't find himself to bring the man in. He always told himself this was the last time, he would even tell Severus it was the last time when he got up usually around 2AM and got prepared to go home. Yet, every Saturday, it would be right back in the same predicament. Guilt settled in the bottom of his stomach, but when he was in the room with Severus, only he existed. Lily was the last thing on his mind, the war, his friends, everything was gone. It was just those short hours of… it wasn't love. It was hate. They both hated each other.
Or he hated Severus.
… Or he figures he does.
Of course he hates him! Severus is his complete opposite. Severus is a greasy git, a death eater, in every way is dark. James… they were opposites. Maybe that was it? Severus was his touch of darkness. Everyone has a touch, don't they? Dumbledore always was sprouting on how everyone has evil and good in them. Severus was his evil. That had to be it, surely.
He was brought of his thoughts when the clock chimed midnight. His friends had left a good forty minutes ago, yet he was still sitting at the table. He swallowed the apprehension that washed over him, finishing up his drink before standing up and making his way up the stairs and down the small hallway as he had done countless times to the same door. He grasped the handle and turned it. It was always unlocked, what if James wasn't the only one who came to see Severus? The man left the door open. Anyone could just waltz right in.
He slipped into the door and stared over at the bed where Severus was sitting (cross-legged) and reading a potions journal. He had waited. James let the door close behind him and took this time to let his eyes over the boy. He looked just as he had the day they graduated. Still too skinny, still in faded robes, hadn't grown an inch or any facial hair. James absentmindedly began to rub the scruff on his chin. They'd only been out of school a year and he was already looking like an old man due to the stress of the prophecy, yet Severus stayed the exact same? How the fuck was that fair?
The book snapped to bring James out of his thoughts for the third time that night. Dark eyes regarded him for a moment before the book was set aside. "Well?" Severus drawled.
James licked his dry lips. "Take your clothes off," he rasped.
Severus quirked his eyebrow. Normally, James unclothed him (after getting his own clothes); it was probably unusual to hear James say anything besides his surname in the heat of the moment. Normal excluding the first night, of course. Severus, however, complied once again and removed his robe, tossing it aside followed by his shirt, trousers, and boxers, leaving the man to sit just as before but this time naked. The death eater marked stood out on the pallid skin. James took a moment to stare, really stare at the man's body. This caused Severus to fidget a bit under his gaze.
Merlin, he was ugly.
James finally, after what felt like hours to Severus, reached up and began to unbutton his robe to toss it aside as he did every time, followed by his own shirt, though he kept his trousers on. He crossed the room and sat on the bed, cupping Severus' cheek and pulling him for a gentle kiss. It was soft, slow, and actually loving. It was the same kiss he gave Lily.
And Severus did not respond.
James pulled away, a confused look on his face. Why didn't the man react to gentleness? Severus' eyes dropped to his hands and he let out a deep breath which seemed to be to calm himself. What had unsettled him? Surely not the kiss!
"Do you kill people?"
"What?" Severus hissed.
"I want to know if you kill people. You are one of them…"
"… No."
"Why should I believe you?"
He shrugged. "You shouldn't."
James shook his head and stood up, raising a hand to ruffle up his mop of messy hair even more than it already was. "I hate you," He forced out.
"I hate you, too, Potter."
"Good." James nodded before letting his trousers drop and climbing into the bed.
August 30th, 1981.
That really was the last night they were together. James (without much question from any of his friends) stopped going to that pub, and he figured Severus wouldn't be there even if he had. What they had was pure hate, released in a sexual manner.
"James, did you hear me?" Lily asked.
"Sorry, what?" James asked, receiving a chuckle from his wife.
"I said… the baby that's coming. I wanted Severus as the godfather. To make amends… I know you hate him—"
"Lily, I got over my hate a long time ago."
She almost dropped the plate. "Really?"
"Hate is such a childish thing to have." He said as he fed Harry a spoon of his potatoes.
"Well, well. Look who went and grew up." She retorted with a smile, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.
And with that release, James found he had released all the hate with it.