Universe: IOW/ETR/LIFL
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue. I take JK Rowling's characters and play with them. But I always send them back the way I found them.
A/N: The little story that could. This story is now the first of three. "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" follows it. And a third story, yet untitled, will follow it. How soon I'm not sure. But it is plotted, just needs to be written.
This story jumps around a bit, but its meant to. To have a disjointed feel.
Enjoy!
Katie watched as they circled each other. Watched as they shouted at each other. And then it happened. Voldemort said it. He killed Snape. Three hours prior.
Katie went numb as she listened. He killed him over a wand? Her heart began to pound and she felt Oliver's hands on her shoulders. In what seemed like seconds, Harry had claimed Voldemort's wand and Voldemort lay on the ground.
The Great Hall fell quiet as the shock settled in. She grabbed at her side, searching for any part of Oliver. His hand found hers easily. Her breathing turned erratic and her vision blurred. The Hall burst back into life as everyone cheered. Before she knew what was happening, Oliver had pulled her to him in a crushing hug. She could hear his heartbeat, pounding against his chest. His labored breathing as he began to cry.
"It's over," she whispered, knowing no one would hear her.
"Harry!" she heard Oliver say.
She turned in his arms to look at the bruised and broken boy who'd approached them.
"Katie, I'm so sorry."
Katie backed away from him, treading on Oliver's feet in the process. Oliver grabbed her shoulders to steady her.
"No."
"Katie, I'm sorry," Harry said, voice thick with tears.
"No…"
"I'm sorry."
"NO!" she cried, struggling out of Oliver's grasp and falling to her knees.
She felt the sobs wrack her body, but the sounds she heard sounded inhuman. She felt, rather than saw, two bodies kneel beside her. She could hear Harry crying to her left.
"Katie, please forgive me. There was nothing I could do. I- I couldn't save him."
Katie grabbed her stomach with one arm, feeling nauseous, and reached out blindly with the other, searching again for Oliver.
"Oliver? Get me out of here."
"Katie…"
"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" she shouted, her voice echoing in the large room.
"Katie, it's not safe to leave. The Death Eaters-" Oliver said, lifting her up easily.
"I don't give a damn what they do. They've already taken everything from me," she said, her eyes sweeping over the bodies on the far side of the hall.
Oliver sighed, resigned, and walked her from the Great Hall. Katie noticed that a few Order members followed them. Once outside the Hall, Katie kept walking though the rubble to get to the grounds. She looked out over them, taking in the haze from the fire, still burning somewhere within the castle. The bodies that scattered the lawn. A sharp breeze whipped past her and she crossed her arms over her chest.
"Where is he?"
"What?" Oliver asked, distantly.
"Go ask Harry where it happened."
"Katie, I don't think-"
"Oliver. Go ask Harry where he is."
There was no argument in her tone. No emotion either. She heard retreating footsteps and took a deep breath. She needed to know.
There was a commotion behind her. She turned quickly to see the two Order members with their wands pointed at someone, their arms raised in surrender. She squinted to see.
"Lucius?"
"Katie. Can I ask that you call off your dogs?"
The Order members looked at her and she nodded. Once their wands were lowered, Katie approached him warily.
"What do you want?"
"I'm very sorry. About Severus."
Katie nodded, not trusting her voice.
"I know we haven't been the best of acquaintances," he said, causing Katie to scoff, "but if there is anything I can do…"
"Thank you," Katie said, looking away, "Go tend to your family."
It was Lucius' turn to nod, knowing full well that the conversation was over. She watched as he turned and walked back into the Hall, passing Oliver as he exited.
"He said it happened in the Shrieking Shack, but Katie, he said not to-"
Katie took off running, faster than she had ever run in her life. She breathed as deeply as she could, but as she reached the schools broken gates, her lungs began to burn. The pounding footsteps behind her and the people shouting her name meant she could not stop.
He wasn't dead. He couldn't be dead. He promised. He promised he would never leave her. Voldemort was lying. Why would he have killed Severus? Severus was his right hand. It didn't make sense in her head.
She reached the drive leading up to the Shrieking Shack and paused. What if he had? What if Severus had died in there? Alone, save for Harry.
A hand on her shoulder broke her thoughts and she turned to see Oliver and the two Order members, the latter struggling for breath.
"Katie?"
"I don't want to see, but I need to know."
Oliver nodded, placing a kiss on her forehead.
"I'll go."
"Oliver, no."
"Katie, I can't un-see what I've seen today. This is no different."
Katie could only stand there, her feet rooted to the ground as she watched Oliver walk up the path. One of the Order members followed him, while the other stood guard at her side. Katie's mind drifted back to the last time she saw Severus and how painful it had been.
/\/\/\
"Don't you think this is overkill?"
"No, Katie, I do not. I've taken a great risk even coming here."
"Then why did you?"
Severus sighed from his place at the window.
"Lupin is late."
"Pointing out the obvious does not answer my question."
Nothing. Then another sigh.
"Katie-"
"How could you."
"If you'd let me explain."
"You don't have to. I've heard the stories from the kids inside that school. How can you let those- those- things! How can you stand by and watch as they torture those kids?"
"Things are not as simple as they appear."
"I don't care how complicated they are! They are using Cruciatus on kids, Severus! Kids! Nothing can make that all right!"
Hearing a faint pop, they both turned their attention to the window, seeing Remus Lupin standing on the front lawn.
"Maybe one day, I will tell you everything," he said, his hand resting on the door knob, "But not tonight."
And with that statement he opened the door.
/\/\/\
Remus had become her Secret Keeper that night. And now he was gone too. She looked up the drive and saw Oliver exiting the Shrieking Shack, his hands covering his face. She closed her eyes and lowered her head. It was true then. Severus was dead.
That was her last thought before the world went black.
/\/\/\/\
"Katie? Come on, Katie. Wake up, please?"
Hearing Oliver's pleading voice, seemed to bring her around. Her head hurt and everything was bright when she opened her eyes. She threw a hand up to shield the sky.
"Ol?"
"Hey, Kate," he said, a sad smile on his face, "I think it's about time we head home."
Katie nodded and sat up slowly.
"Was it bad?" she asked in a quiet voice, scared of what he would say.
"Kate-"
"Oliver, please."
"Yes," he said sighing, "It was bad. I think- I think it may have been that snake."
Katie closed her eyes. Nagini? Oh god. She'd heard what that beast had done to Mr Weasley and how lucky he had been. How her venom worked. Severus hadn't had a chance. Harry wasn't equipped with the knowledge to save him.
The world tilted again and she leaned against Oliver for support.
"Let's go back up to the castle. See if McGonagall thinks its ok for us to leave."
She felt Oliver place a kiss on the top of her head.
"Ok. Come on, I'll help you up."
/\/\/\/\
Home. What was 'home' anymore? She looked around her bedroom. Was it here? With Oliver? Was this 'home'?
Katie had never felt at home anywhere. Had never felt wanted anywhere. And now…with everyone gone…
She closed her eyes as the tears came again.
"Katie?"
Oliver. Poor, loyal Oliver.
"Katie? I'm leaving for the funerals. Just in case you'd changed your mind."
She simply laid down and faced away from him. She didn't have the energy to answer him. She heard him cross the room and sit on the bed behind her. Run his hands through her hair. Stop when she flinched.
"I love you, Kate. I hope you know that."
And then he was gone. Gone to the funerals for her friends. For Severus. And she was in her room, in her 'home', alone.
The numbness took over and she slept.
/\/\/\/\
"Oh Oliver," a voice gasped, "She looks awful."
"I know, Molly. It's like I told you. She won't eat, she doesn't sleep very well. And she hasn't left this room for days. She won't talk to me and she's-" Oliver's voice broke off.
"What, dear?"
"She flinches when I try to touch her. To comfort her," he said, sighing, "I know this is going to take time for her, but-"
"I know it's hard, son," another voice said, "She's been through a lot. And this may have just been her breaking point. But she'll come back to us."
"Of course she will, Oliver. Like Arthur said, she's been through a lot."
"I just wanted you two to know why she wasn't at the service."
"Oh, I didn't think she would," Molly said kindly, "I hoped, but I knew better."
Katie's heart fluttered in her chest. It hurt. Her hand instinctually grabbed at her chest and she let out a sob.
"She's been doing that recently too. But trying to get her to a doctor…" Oliver said, his sentence ending in a sigh, "I'm at my wits end. Its breaking my heart, seeing her like this."
"Because you love her. And for that, you have to endure," Arthur said.
"We're here, if you need anything. Anything at all, Oliver. Just send an owl."
"Thank you. Both of you. I know how much your family means to Katie…"
"And she to us," Arthur said sadly.
/\/\/\/\
"Come on, Katie. I'm not asking for much. You don't have to talk to me. Just eat something. Anything. I'll make you anything."
She felt like her vocal cords were betraying her. It wasn't that she didn't want to talk to Oliver. That she wasn't hungry. It was the overwhelming numb feeling creeping into every part of her that kept her quiet.
She was sat in a chair in the kitchen. It was morning, that much she could tell. Oliver was leaning against the counter, his hands at an awkward angle behind him. He looked tired. Defeated. She hated herself for making him this way.
Sighing heavily, she stood, albeit slowly, and walked to the pantry. She pulled out a box of cereal and showed it to him. She watched as he walked to the fridge and pulled out a carton of milk. She would have smiled, but the muscles in her face felt frozen. Instead, she nodded and watched as he grabbed a bowl and sat both on the table. She made her way over and sat down, feeling as if that small act had been a marathon. How atrophied had she become?
As if knowing she couldn't do it herself, Oliver took the box of cereal, opened it and poured a small amount into the bowl.
"We'll just try a little bit now. You haven't eaten in a week and I don't know how your body will handle this."
Katie nodded.
"Look," he said, as he poured the milk, "I know the thought of talking about what happened has to scare the shit out of you."
He turned around to the drawer behind him, grabbed a spoon, placed it in the bowl and pushed it toward her.
"Just know that I'm here when you do want to talk," he said, putting his head in his hands, "This isn't easy for me either."
That did it. That broke her. A knot formed in Katie's stomach and she felt tears well in her eyes. Of course Oliver was in pain. He'd seen everything she'd seen and then some. And he was taking care of her? Being the strong one?
She reached out and picked up the spoon, shoveling the first spoonful of cereal into her mouth. Her cheeks burned, but she soldiered on. Even if she couldn't move on, not just yet, she had to at least take care of herself. For Oliver.
/\/\/\/\
Talking was hard. And taking its toll. Getting through the simplest of sentences without crying was the hardest part. And she knew it was breaking Oliver more than her silence had. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't seem to stop the stream of tears.
Logically, she knew that this was all because her hormones were completely demolished by grief. And yet, they still kept coming. She felt like Alice in the tiny room at the bottom of the rabbit hole. If she didn't stop soon, she would surely drown.
/\/\/\/\
Curses flew around her. She was panicking. But when a particularly nasty one nicked her arm, she turned to see her assailant. The man smiled evilly at her and disappeared into the din. She gave chase, hearing someone shout her name in a warning. She blindly threw curses, hoping to hit the man who hit her. As she was running, her foot caught on something and the momentum propelled her several feet forward. Her Quidditch training kicked in and she tucked her shoulder so as to roll when she landed. It was not without pain, but she was able to keep her wits. She looked back to see what she had tripped over.
Remus' lifeless eyes looked back up at her.
She sat up like a shot in their bed, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. Oliver woke quickly and turned to face her.
"Katie? Katie, what's wrong?"
"Nightmare."
She watched as Oliver closed his eyes and nodded sadly, rubbing small circles on her back.
"I'll go get you a glass of water."
Her hand darted out to grab his arm.
"No! Don't- Don't leave me."
"Ok," he said, his voice soft, "I'm right here."
Katie wrapped her arms around his middle, resting her head on his chest. It took a moment for him to return the embrace and that made Katie's heart tighten in her chest. She'd been so distant that he was unsure of when to touch her now.
She looked up at him. His face was cautious and guarded. Her brow furrowed and she felt tears stinging her eyes.
"Please, Oli."
He looked down at her and gave a weak smile before lowering them back down to their pillows. Katie shifted to get closer to him and his hand tangled in her hair.
"Who was it this time?"
"Remus," she said, taking a deep breath.
She felt him sigh as he began drawing lazy circles on her arm.
"I know you hate them, but these nightmares… Well, they just show that you're going through the stages of grief appropriately. I had them for weeks after the battle."
Katie hugged him tighter. She didn't remember much from those weeks. He suffered alone and worried over her. She didn't know where he got his strength. Why he was made of tougher stuff than she was.
She knew she didn't have to acknowledge his statement. She concentrated on the sound of his steady breathing and the quiet thump of his heart. Within mere moments, she was once again in the set piece of all her nightmares; the grounds at Hogwarts.
/\/\/\/\
She didn't even fight like a proper witch. In fact, she hadn't touched her wand since… Well, since…
What did it matter?
She hurled another glass. The sound of it shattering against the wall across from her was extremely satisfying.
That was about the time Oliver entered the room.
"Katie? What the hell is going on here?"
She glared at him. Stared him down. He knew this was coming. Stages of grief. He'd encouraged her. Well, now… Now, she was just plain angry.
As she went to throw something else, Oliver was quicker. He grabbed her arms and locked them behind her back.
"Katie! Calm down," he said as she struggled against him, "I know it hurts. But this isn't the way."
"You told me to get angry!"
"Not like this," he said, so low she wouldn't have heard him if they weren't in the position they were in.
Katie stopped struggling long enough for Oliver to let her go and quickly turned the tables on him, pushing him against the nearest wall.
"Then how? What am I supposed to do, Wood? How should I be feeling? Should I have snapped out of this? Am I going mad?" she shouted, each question accompanied by a push against Oliver's chest.
Oliver stayed silent as she shouted. As she pushed him. As she started beating her tiny fists against his chest. Then wrapped his arms around her, holding her, with her balled fists between them.
"I don't know what's wrong with me…"
"Its ok, Katie."
"But, Oliver-"
"No. Katie, just take some deep breaths. There's nothing wrong with you."
"How do you know?" Katie said in a whisper.
"Because I believe in you."
/\/\/\/\
She woke up and looked to her left. The bed was empty. Not thinking much of it, she got up and headed to the bathroom to take a shower. The hot water helped to wake up her tired muscles from their slumber and the scents in her body and face washes helped wake up her other senses.
For the first time in months, her chest didn't feel like she was being crushed. Her heart didn't feel like it was in a vice. She felt almost… Well, she felt at peace. And the guilt of feeling that way made her question herself.
She shut off the tap and toweled herself off before putting her pajamas back on. She sat at her vanity, fingering the various make-up products that had collected dust. When she looked up at herself in the mirror, she was horrified. The dark circles around her eyes were a deep purple and her skin tone was uneven.
It had been so long since she'd bothered to even look at herself. Oliver never said- Patient, loving, worthy of sainthood, Oliver.
She made quick work of the make-up she had, trying to make herself look presentable. Once her hair had dried, she pulled it back into a ponytail. Sighing, knowing that was as good as it would get, she bounded down the stairs, intent on surprising Oliver.
She searched the whole house. He wasn't there. A knot formed in her stomach. Had he finally had enough? Had he crept out in the dead of night? And then she saw it.
A pried open envelope, back side up, lying on the kitchen table.
She walked over and picked it up, turning it over in her hands. It had her name on it. It was from the Minerva. Inside the envelope were two letters; one from Minerva herself, and one from the Ministry. With shaky hands, she sat and read the letters to herself.
Dear Miss Bell,
Due to the nature of your relationship with Severus Snape, we have entrusted the custodial duties of his will to Minerva McGonagall. We trust that this scenario will enable you to take all the time you need before carrying out his final wishes.
My deepest sympathies to you.
Kingsley Shacklebolt
Minister for Magic
She placed that letter to the side and unfolded Minerva's. It was short and to the point.
Miss Bell,
I'm so sorry. I'll be at Hogwarts when you feel prepared to deal with this.
Minerva
Realization dawned on her. Oliver. He knew she wasn't ready for this, so he went to take care of it. With Minerva's letter still in her hands, she walked to the front door, opened it, and walked outside to sit on the front steps.
The guilt she had felt earlier started to ebb. No one was ordering her to take care of this. Just informing her that it was out there. Waiting for her to wake back up.
She sighed as she looked around at their garden. The one that Oliver had managed to keep up. Birds sang from a nearby tree. Clouds flitted across the sky, playing hide and seek with the sun. The world was still here. And moving on without her. She had to wake up.
Hearing a faint pop, she looked up to see Oliver, standing in the middle of their yard, setting down a trunk. She said the only thing she could think of.
"You went for me?"