AN: So I kinda had this itch to write another one-shot, this one really isn't much different from the ones I've done before... So I hope you'll like it. As requested this one-shot is written from Arizona's point of view while she's processing in 7x13. I hope my take on her thoughts will do the scene justice.
And as always; all characters, rights and lines belong to Shonda Rhimes.
My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My chest hurts. But most of all; the place where my heart is placed aches and it's probably the roughest pain I've ever had to deal with. I love Callie. I love her with all my being and that's why it's so hard for me to understand; that's why I'm having so much trouble figuring all this out. I came back for her. I came back because I realized I couldn't live another minute without her, because my tear ducts couldn't take anymore salty floods caused by one of my stupid decisions of leaving love behind…again. When do I ever learn?! Apparently I did, or I thought I did. I came back to claim love back. I came back to try and make Callie believe that we despite the last couple of months and some disagreements are in fact meant to be together and made for each other. I came back knowing very well that I would have to spend a lot of time trying to convince my stubborn girlfriend…x-girlfriend?...to give us another try, to give me another try. But how do you explain that to someone who won't give you the time of day? How do you knock that into a head that won't give you the benefits of the doubt, even though you metaphorically speaking got on your crying hands and knees and asked for another chance? I believe I did everything I could; at this point I've done everything I can do. And somehow along the way she stopped. Callie stopped running away, somehow she decided I had suffered enough…but boy, was I wrong. When I caught her in the elevator, tracking her as a deer in the headlights and fast determined on making her listen to me once and for all; when I gave my heart the biggest shot I never thought I had to release; when I poured all my love and hope and plead into telling the woman – who's been the main and only topic of my dreams both day and night for so many weeks – that I needed our love; when I asked for the most important chance of my life – she crushed me. She actually and utterly crashed something in me. She took my voice, she took my hopes, she took the one thing I had clawed myself on to; our joint future, me and her, Callie and me – and she jeopardized my ability to breathe. Not only did she bring a baby into my life but also…also, also Mark. Again. She brought Mark into view again; I can't believe it. A child with Callie I could definitely handle, I've told her that before; I've made that promise to both myself and her a long time ago but Mark…I never asked for Mark. I never asked for him to be a part of our future as much as I expected her to sleep with someone else. She slept with someone that wasn't me. Callie slept with Mark. With Mark of all people. He should've known better, he should've known how she wasn't herself…and I know I'm responsible for making her turn to him but still as the best friend he claims himself to be, he should've known better. But Callie too should've known better, I mean…how long after we broke up did she throw herself in someone else's arms, and not just anyone's arms but a man's nonetheless? That's just mean and kind of disgusting, isn't it? Maybe desperate is a more proper word, after all.
My head boils, my tears slowly stream down my cheeks and my nose drips. As I take yet another tissue from the box, I hear the front door open behind me. I don't really need to look to know who's entering, it's the woman I came back for – a woman who's now housing a child, a child she made while I sat in Africa, crying every night and every other chance offered to me because I did the cliché-like movie-thing and made the stupidest decision of my life; leaving true love in an airport. But I can't help but thinking…As if screwing around helps on heartache… Callie once was a woman believing in love, so how does a true romantic seek help in damp sheets and an easy lay, an easy way out? I just, I can't follow her and her way of dealing with this whole situation…Mark, of all the people in the world, Mark. A man. Mark. All my bowels curl themselves around the strings of my heart, making me want to vomit and scream at the same time.
"You ready to talk now?" she asks, her voice penetrating my thoughts.
Dropping one of my hands in my lap and exhaling, I rip off the band aid. It's now or never…or the reason I came back will never exist ever again. "I wanna say some not nice things and I want you to listen without saying our relationship is over or walking out," I really need her to listen to me, I really need her to know…no, I need her to be here as I voice my thoughts and not only for her but for myself too. I need to hear my thoughts out loud just as much as she does. I might be very unreasonable right this instant, but I feel like I have to be and that I'm allowed to too, after all she's the one dropping the big bombshell. I need to work through it and I work best as I list them off one by one, and Callie needs to be here – I need her to be here.
"Okay," Callie accepts, gently closing the door.
"I'm mad that you slept with someone else," I tell Callie over my shoulder as she still stands behind me. "And I know we were broken up, but still…you slept with someone else," saying the words out loud hurts more than I thought, pictures of Callie and Mark flashing by my inner eye and making my voice drip with scorn and anger, and possibly also my wounded pride. "And I'm even madder that person had a penis, and I know that you're bisexual, I know that but still-"
"You rather I'd slept with a busty redhead 'cause," Callie impertinently cuts me off and right there, I swear, I could've hit something or someone – preferably that someone being a smirking looking man whore – as my anger starts to rise again.
"You have to give me time to process this, I'm processing!" I snap, raising my voice and resting my red nose on my hand.
"I didn't plan this, okay?" Callie explains as she comes to sit in front of me on the coffee table. At first I don't look at her but something in her voice draws me to her face as it has done so many times before. I know I must look like a hot mess, and looking at Callie as she practically already glows makes something inside of me crumble. I can't say what it is, but I definitely feel it. "I-I, I didn't plan any of this. But there's a…mighty oak or whatever…showing up in our lives in about seven months, so…now I have to plan," she continues, locking her brown eyes with mine as she inhales to exhale quickly. "And I don't know for how long I can wait for you to process," I let a deep sigh escape my lungs as Callie's now the one taking control of the situation, quickly wiping a tear from my eye with my hand I get ready for whatever's coming my way now. "But I know I want you…in my plan. I want you to be a part of my plan," Callie reveals. I kind of already knew that, I just don't know if I can be all the things she wants me to be; if I can be a third part in a baby's life. A life where one of the parts is hosted by a man who annoys me to my very core. But I love her, I never doubted my love for Callie. It's what's brought me here in the first place. "So, are you in or are you out?" Callie's question is big, it's a forever kind of big…which makes me wonder if I'm really ready for this? Am I ready to take on a role as a parent, a third parent? Am I ready to be a third part of a mistake Mark and Callie made two months ago, to constantly be reminded of my own mistake? Am I ready for diapers, sleepless nights, play-dates and onesie-shopping? Am I ready to commit for good?
Looking at my hands in my lap, I try to focus, I try to sum up all of my thoughts; to reason with all of my thoughts but that's like trying to figure out who decided to name a stethoscope a stethoscope. I chance a look at Callie as I'm leisurely catching up with my heart. "Oh God…" Time's moving too fast and too slow, but Callie's request…it's really not a question anymore. Maybe it's never been so?! Callie's eyes are filled with hope and love, and if I've ever doubted the love Callie holds for me it's all gone now. "I'm in!" I know I will do what I can to make a life work with Callie and with this baby, I know I will have serious trouble dealing with Mark, but I will try. Just as I'm going to try and make my love for Callie bigger than the hate I hold towards what she did with Mark. I know love is bigger but right now it's just, it's very hard not to be angry. "I'm in but you have to give me…you, I'm just, I'm still, I'm still so mad…at you. So, you have to give me a minute."
Callie looks down and then at me again, nodding her head so her new hair ever so minimally moves. "Okay," she promises and I feel The Beatles sing about the arrival of the sun in my ear. Maybe it's only for a brief moment but it's there…the sun, and because I feel the burning from the beams, I know I can allow myself to keep processing for an unknown amount of time until I feel the healing of my soul, and hopefully the readiness of becoming someone's mom and accept the fact of how my child got here.
Thanks for reading!
If everything goes as planned I should be able to start writing chapter 21 of "Flavour My World" tomorrow. Be patient, ladies :-)