Character List
Laurie Strode- Avril Lavinge
Annie Brackett- Emma Watson
Lynda Van Der Klok- Amanda Bynes
Mindi 'Dementia' Loiffier- Jordana Brewster
Michael: age 25- Matthew McConaughey
Dr. Samuel Loomis- Ewan McGregor
Clover Destery- Beverly Mitchell
Tommy Doyal- Skyler Gisondo (I know but, he portrayed Tommy well)
Lindsey Wallace- Abigail Breslin
Ritchie Van Der Klock- Moises Arias
Paul- James FrancoBob Simms- Joe Jonas
Ritchie's Posse- Alec Grey, Laurel Weber, Edward Sanders
Mindy Tyler- Kyle Richards
Rochelle Williamson- Ashanti
Judith Myers- Mila Kunis
Steven Haley Jr.- Seth Green
Nancy the Cashier- America Ferrera
Sheriff Lee Brakett- Regis Philbin
Deborah Myers- Nancy Sullivan
Elizabeth Colins- Michelle Pfeiffer
Melinda Tyler- Diora Baird
Shandi Morrison- Chyler Leigh
Kyril Dvenovolo- Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Ashley Endworthy- Whitney Cummings
Jaden Brakett- Mitchell Musso
Orderly- Mo'nique
Michael: age 10- Chase Wright Vanek
Clover Destery: age 10- Jenny Gregg Stewart
Marion Chambers- Christina Applegate
Layla Kester- Madison Davenport
Dr. Morgan- Eva Longoria Parker
Mr. Greene- John Ratzenberger
Dr. Koplenson- Charles Shaughnessy
Dr. Shore- Daniel Tosh
Miss Ravindale- Emile de Ravin
Dr. Eliss- Kurt Russell
Suzanne Marguerite- Chandra Wilson
Donny Kester- Max Thieriot
Dennis Brackett- Ryan Heinke
Claudia Miranda Strode- Julia Stiles
Cynthia Strode- Uma Thurman
Mason Strode- Michael Keaton
Sandra Stien- Maude Apatow
Big Joe Grizzly- Ken Foree (Portrayed Grizzly perfectly)
Mama Bear- Pamela Anderson
Hunter Dobbs- Derek Hough
Harrison Deveraux- Greg Cipes
Nurse Wynn- Paris Hilton
Gloria the Receptionist- Isla Fischer
Macey Elliot- Lisa Kudrow
Principal Nolan Griffin- Daniel-Day Lewis
Mrs. Nichols- Kathleen Robertson
Frankie Val Deer- Tamara Mello
Rex Nathanson- Aaron Carter
John 'Ripley' Stanton- Tom Felton
Felix Donahue- Tom Kenny
Caleb Destery- Luke Wilson
Miriam Destery- Maggie Gyllenhaal
Isamel Cruz- Valente RodriguezA house is in an aerial view being zoomed in at a monotonous pace. It's a two-story home with a cast-iron gate in front of it. There are many Halloween decorations on the patio laid out in a scatterbrained fashion. We see a young boy who petting his pet mouse in the window.
MICHAEL: (Petting it daintily) Hi there Elvis! Aren't you looking spry today? (He gingerly rubs the fur between the rodents ears then with a single swift motion he snaps its neck)
JUDITH: (Knocking on door) Hey shitface! Let's go Mrs. Destery will be here soon and mom wants you to actually eat today.
MICHAEL: (He lets Elvis fall to the bottom of his cage) I'll be out in a minute. (He puts a disturbingly creepy clown mask over his face)
JUDITH: (She stand there with her arms folded) Stop jerking off, and get downstairs!
The two enter the kitchen were Deborah Myers who is making eggs and her semi-conscious pill-popper sister Elizabeth Collins who has a bassinet with a sleeping baby girl inside.
DEBORAH: (Noticing Judith grabbing cereal) Can't you see I'm making eggs?
JUDITH: (Innocently) Uhh… I'll pass.
DEBORAH: (Cocking her head) Uhh… since when?
JUDITH: (Pouring cereal into a bowl) Since now they're chicken abortions and they're fucking gross!
DEBORAH: (Scrambling the eggs) They are not!
ELIZABETH: (Weakly) She has a point! If it came from a cunt and didn't live to see a day it's an abortion… and you of all people should know an abortion when you see one!
JUDITH: (Trying not to laugh) See Aunt Liz gets me!
DEBORAH: (Turning to Michael) Are you having eggs sweetheart?
MICHAEL: (He nods 'yes') Can I have some cheese in it?
JUDITH: Why did you use up all your dick-cheese on Elvis? (She strokes Liz's pill bottle while moaning) Uhh… Elvis, oh! (She laughs at him)
MICHAEL: For your information he died this morning…
DEBORAH: (Attending to the saddened Michael) Aww… sweetie, I tell you what after school we'll go out and get you another mouse, okay?
MICHAEL: (Lifting his mask) Can we get a dog?
ELIZABETH: Why would you wanna waste your mommy's bucks on a mutt!
DEBORAH: (Hitting Liz on the back of her head) Hey! Someone has to make some goddamn money!
ELIZABETH: (She wearily swings her hand) I'm busted up here! I can't work until I'm fully healed from the surgeries!
DEBORAH: (She whisks more egg yolks) The car accident was three months ago!
ELIZABETH: …and I ain't fucking healed yet!
DEBORAH: (Turning back to the now burning eggs) Shit! (She grabs a fire extinguisher from underneath the sink as the alarm goes off) Judith remove the smoke alarm before I beat it with a bat! (Judith exits the kitchen as Deborah extinguishes the entire stovetop)
An hour later Mrs. Destery's van was now out front, and Michael couldn't wait to leave his train wreck of a family.
DEBORAH: (Zipping up Michael's coat) Alright, Michael, I'm not going to be here after school, so go home with Mrs. Destery with your friends and work on your project. I'll pick you up at five so you can get ready for tonight, understand?
MICHAEL: Yeah! Where are you going anyway?
DEBORAH: (Handing him is backpack) My boss wants me to put extentions in my hair and then have it curled, and tomorrow I'm dying it auburn.
MICHAEL: (Smiling) It's gonna look so awesome! Wait aren't you a telemarkoter?
DEBORAH: (She pauses thinking of how to tiptoe around this) My boss is promoting me to door-to-door saleswoman, er- and it's proven people respond better to brunettes than redheads!
JUDITH: (Passing by) Yes, especially horny older men! (Deborah trips her up in retaliation) That's abuse!
DEBORAH: Go cry to Steve!
JUDITH: (Flipping her mother the finger while walking away) Maybe I will…
DEBORAH: (Under breath) She's gonna be the death of me…
MICHAEL: (Hugging Deborah) Bye mom! I love you!
DEBORAH: (Not wanting to let go) I love you to sweetie! You know I wish your dad was here with us still…
MICHAEL: I wish that too, but… at least we still have you! (Mrs. Destery beeps her horn) I gotta go okay? (Deborah lets go of her son slowly and waves after him as he runs out the door)
DEBORAH: (Leaning on the front door frame as the van drives off) Bye! (She tears up slightly)