Today is just one of those days that make you reach for the shot gun. You open it up a few times and spin it around placing that single bullet in it and wonder what you have left to live for. Normally the answer is easy. You have family, life, your health maybe even a pretty girl you have your eyes on. But every once in a while the answer is not so simple. Every once in a while not even life itself is worth living for. Not even the potential of what could be is worth it and on those days you can almost taste the metallic bullet and smell the smoke it releases right before your brain is splattered on the back wall.
I saw her earlier. She was just so fucking beautiful and she completely clueless to how much more she deserves. Even with the layers of make-up to cover the bruises that he left behind. I shouldn't have snapped at her. She needed a friend, she came to me the way she always did crying on my shoulder, letting me hold her, smell her, before she went back to him. Always back to him.
You don't understand she said.
I understand perfectly, I replied.
"My father-"
"You think your father wants his daughter to protect him. You think your father would choose his career over you. Are you honestly that naive Rose? And even if he would, do you honestly think you deserve that."
"You wouldn't understand."
"Why? Because I'm from the wrong side of the tracks. Because my family has nothing to sacrifice for? Because we have nothing to lose?"
"How dare you. I have never-"
And she was right. She has never. Never mentioned my lack of fortune though we both know I have nothing to offer her. She doesn't mention the dirt I get all over her pretty little clothes while we are together. She doesn't ever treat me like I am lower than her. But she doesn't need to. We both know that she is a million miles above me. We both know the tongues that will wag if her pretty little hand is held in mine if we walk down the street together.
"You never had to." I said softly.
That's when she pulled away from me as quickly as if I had slapped her with hurt in her eyes.
"I'm sorry you have had to put up with my horrific treatment of you all this time. If I had known that's how you truly felt I would not have made you suffer for so long." Every word was said stiffly, and though I felt such an insane tide of anger rise within me the first thought I had was that she would make her mother proud. In that second she was the perfect little society wife they had always dreamt of her being.
And then the tide broke loose. I grabbed her. Not hard enough to hurt, not even hard to enough for her to feel, but swiftly and suddenly. I didn't even realize, didn't even think, until her entire body tensed. She was scared of me. Rosie was scared of me. The swell of anger changed instantly to nausea and I released her at once.
"You are all the same." She spat at me and she ran away, but not before I could see the tears in her eyes.
Now I lay here, the image of her golden hair trailing behind her as she ran away from me. Me, the man who loved her, who hated what a bastard that monster was and would defend her with my every heartbeat. She was running from me. All I wanted to do was tell her that I never had to put up with her. That I wanted to be around her. And she needed to stop being a fucking priss and getting up in arms about every comment. She needed to stop running from that man and stand up to him. She needed to run away and start a new life. I would go with her. I would follow her anywhere.
"Em, where did you go today? Boss was looking for some extra hands and the lumber yard he was asking for you?" Little Jimmy pokes his head into my room.
"I was around. Sorry, does he need help for the morning?" Work at the mill is good work, decent pay, labor intensive but it doesn't leave any time at all for thinking and that's what I need.
"He didn't say. A bunch of us are going down to Tommy's place tonight if you want to come. Millie's out at a hen party and the Coleman and the boys are gonna come over with their instruments. Jack just went down to swipe some liquor off the rich kids." Little Jimmy's eyes practically sparkle at the thought of having liquor no less swiping it off some rich kid and I can't help but laugh that was me before Rosie and I can't help but feel bad for him because one day he will be me; a sad old fucker wishing he could be just three years younger again. Life sure does kick you down fast when you are already at the bottom of the totem pole.
"You okay Em? You seem off lately." He cocks his head to the side reminding me of a chicken.
"I'm fine. Lack of work leads to idle time and everyone knows I have no right to go about thinking about anything. I'm too simple for that." I laugh, and he seems to shake off whatever he thinks he saw and smiles back at me.
"Aww shucks Em, if you're simple where does that leave me?"
He grabs his coat and I my hat, "You think there will be cards tonight?"
"Probably if Mickey comes, never seen him anywhere without a deck on him." Jimmy offers and pulls out a cig. He offers and I decline, never having taken a liking to the taste of the tobacco much to my mother's relief; one less thing to waste the money on as if cards and booze wasn't enough. Jimmy starts rattling off the latest bits of gossip, the girls he's chasing the comings and goings of everyone while I walk in silence occasionally adding the necessary reaction he is looking for. It isn't until he starts veering off course for Tommy's place that I actually pay attention to what he's saying.
"Where you going Em? Didn't you hear me? We got to help Jack with the liquor, were meeting him in town behind the rails."
"Sorry man must have missed you. Now what were you saying about Millie's little sister coming back home." And with that he starts talking again. Only I don't get to hear anything about Millie's little sister because within a couple of steps we see Jack walking down the street to us. Lit up in all the glory of the streetlights beaten and broken as if ten men took him on.
"Jesus Christ." Jimmy swears as we sprint forward.
"Fuck Jack, who did this to you." I ask him, barely able to get out the words. His face looks like the sky at dusk, a swirl of reds, blues and purples. His lip is cut open and swollen, one eye is locked down and blood is everywhere all over him.
"Nancy boy. Came at me as soon as he took my money. Said that pieces of shit like me needed to keep my hands to myself and learn my place. I told him I didn't do anything, but he wasn't hearing it. I mean she came up to me man, she didn't even get to say two words before he caught her. She gave me this though." He holds open his hand and a small white sheet falls out of it. I reach for it, automatically knowing who gave him this, who hurt him.
I'm sorry.
Two words. Two small words. It shouldn't be worth it, Jacks pain and what she must be going through right now. I shouldn't be feeling this ease in my chest, but I am. Jimmy is looking over my shoulder and he takes the sheet from me looking for more. "Did she say who it was for?" He asks.
"Never got the chance. Feel bad for her though. She ran off when they started on me but his friends said something about catching up with her later. Giving the bitch a lesson in who she belongs with." He coughs out the last part, and though he tries to hide it both Jimmy and I catch the bit of blood that sneaks out.
"Come on, we need to get you to the hospital." The three of us begin walking again to the center of town. Slow, too slow for my liking, every atom in me is counting down the seconds until I can drop them off at the doors and run to Rosalie. Depraved images float across my mind, how would they teach her a lesson. What would the four of them do? Would Royce really let them, or is it all talk. It's almost impossible to imagine a man allowing someone to hit the woman he claims to love, the woman who will within a week become his wife, but there is a darkness in Royce King that I have learned to fear and I can't but help shouting at the god who resides up in the heaven to get me to the hospital faster, and protect over her while I am not there.
I'll give anything. Anything just let her be all right.
Jacks head falls onto my shoulder. He is dead weight now, it's a coin toss to see if he is alive or not and as the hospital comes into sight Jimmy sets off running letting them know we are coming while I toss him over my shoulder making the way down the hill as fast as I can. The night air is cold and biting, pushing me along, keeping me awake and my senses sharp. Five more feet, three and then the threshold is crossed. A dozen nurses circle us, yelling words, commands, phrases.
Dr. Carlisle, a nurse with blonde hair like Rosalie shouts. See if he has left yet. Another nurse scurries down the hall. Gloves are on, blood packets are passed around.
"You can't be in here." A nurse shouts and Jimmy looks to me. "You need to leave. Go, go now." She shoos.
What has happened to this night, he asks silently the both of us covered in his blood. Wasn't this supposed to be fun?
"Jimmy, I need to- " I start and he looks blankly at me. How could I possibly consider leaving. "The girl Jimmy- that girl is going to be hurt. I need to." And he nods, understanding as I hold the note up. Your fault, he is probably thinking. Yes my fault. All my fault. Because I couldn't let her go. I couldn't control my temper. My fault. Jacks blood. My fault whatever happens next.
My fault. My fault.
Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.
Guilt then prayers one offered after the other. A silent mantra that chases all other thoughts away until I can find her and hold her once more.
My fault. My fault.
Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.
My feet pound the pavement as the bitter cold stings my skin.
My fault. My fault.
Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.
In the end I find her not too far from her house. I can see her home from where I find her body. The perfect little cottage, pristine lawns and a nice expensive car in the driveway. Everything she was working so hard to save. Everything she was giving herself for. She lies there immobile, her chest does not move and I can't bring myself to take another step. To see her not alive on the ground.
I don't know how long I stand there for. Watching. It isn't until two other figures emerge that I start paying attention again.
"Carlisle" one of them says. "It's too late. Don't do this. Let her have peace."
Carlisle. Carlisle. The man the nurse called for. Jack is dead, the thought settles over me. He is dead, the doctor wasn't there to save him. Rose is dead, Jack is dead. My fault my fault my fault.
"Wait." I call out as I see them beginning to move her. "I need to- I need to say goodbye."
The men look at me but I don't wait for their permission as I kneel down next to her. My hand touches her long blond hair. Still so soft as it was earlier. Her eyes are still just as blue. Her lips still so red. A kiss, a kiss I dreamt of forever, now the only one I will ever get. Soft and still. It will have to last me forever.
"She still has a pulse." The blond whispers.
"Save her. Do anything. Just don't let her die." His eyes stare back at mine and an almost imperceptible nod passes between the two of them. But before I can ask how or why the world goes black and the fire begins.
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