My Heart

"I am finding out that maybe I was wrong, that I've fallen down and I can't do this alone." My Heart –Paramore

I burst through the bathroom door and fall to the opening of a toilet. I retch up all the contents of my stomach for the fourth time today. When I think I'm done I shakily stand up and grab a paper towel to clean my mouth. I look at myself in the mirror in front of me and I cringe at the circles under my eyes and the pallid sheen to my skin, the sweat on my forehead and the fear in my eyes. This is really happening and no amount of wishing can change this. I close my eyes and beg that Malfoy didn't hear. I right myself and walk back into the common room from which I ran ten minutes ago. Malfoy is still sitting on the couching doing his homework and I try to go to my room unnoticed.

"Granger your incessant hurling is disrupting my quiet." He says coolly and I want to run down the stairs and shake him until he cries.

I remember everything. I remember for the first time since the war, since Ron died…that I let someone in. I let Malfoy in. No matter how callous, he was there for me when Ron died. Ron was everything to me. Ron and I were going to get married someday and have that little cheesy house in the country. We were going to spend our lives together. I loved him so much, more then anything and he died. He's gone! Forever. I remember riding the train back to Hogwarts for my last and final year with Ginny and Harry. I remember excusing myself to the bathroom and I ran to the last compartment, one I knew would be empty and sat down and cried. It was the first time I had cried since Ron had passed. I didn't hear the compartment door sliding open but I did feel an arm pulling me close and telling me it would be okay. I looked up into the eyes of Draco Malfoy and wanted to shrink away but he was holding me close and telling me that it would be okay and I couldn't stop the tears. He stayed with me the whole train ride and when I found out that he was also head boy I wasn't as shocked and repulsed as I would've normally been. He used to check on me late at night and wake me up from horrible nightmares. And I will always remember that he told me that Ron died so that I could have freedom, that he would've wanted me to live.

I remember the night that he kissed me, only two months ago. That night was the night my life permanently changed. We had sex. There's no other way to put it and I don't love him. That doesn't mean that I'm a horrible person or that I don't have morals it means I had sex. I'm sure he doesn't love me, almost possitive and the way he just spoke to me only moments ago has to be proof. The next day he didn't say a passing remark and I died inside. That I had given myself to someone other then Ron, that I could never give myself to Ron was the worst thing that I could ever think of and it happened. And it was Draco Malfoy to top the cake. I'm sure Ron wouldn't have appreciated this, I'm sure this wasn't what he meant by live and if it was…

I slip into my room. Why did this have to happen? How could I have been so fucking stupid? Stupid to think that Malfoy cared, stupid to think that anyone cared anymore. And now I'm pregnant! Yep I'm pregnant with Draco Malfoy's child. I rub my hand over my stomach and wonder, if Ron was alive would this have been his child? No. Ron would've cared enough not to have gotten me pregnant. And I realize now that I am just another notch in Malfoy's bedpost. I'm just another slut he's slept with, one more and I mean nothing! He finally got the virginal, bookworm Granger. Life's not always a fairytale and the father's of baby's don't always love the mothers and everyone's friends don't always except it and everyone won't just perceive it as it happened. It only took once and here I stand pregnant. I'll be the school whore because I got pregnant and all those girls who have done it a hundred times will no longer compare because they were never stupid enough to let themselves get pregnant. I bring myself back to the present and wipe the tears away from my face that I hadn't even known were there. I turn the lights off and get in bed but I can only stare at the ceiling.

The next morning I find myself once again retching in the toilet but this time when I turn around Malfoy is standing there staring back. He watches me carefully as I spit in the sink and wipe my mouth clean. I turn to face him slowly.

"What do you want Malfoy?" I say my body shaking nearly as bad as my voice.

"I…" he sputters and suddenly I can see the fear in his eyes. That he thinks I might be pregnant and he knows that if I am it's definitely his.

"Don't worry Malfoy I won't tell anyone that you're the father. No one will have to know that you're child is half mudblood. No one will have to know anything about you at all." I say bitterly. I close my eyes as a wave of nausea hits me. I walk to the door and Malfoy grabs my arm.

"Wait Granger I…"

"Malfoy please, spare me." I say and leave. What else could he have to say? That he's sorry? Well it's a mistake that can't be undone. He can leave anytime he likes never once looking back on the fact that he brought a child into this world but it will always be with me. Whether I have it and keep it or give it up for adoption it will still have been my child and everyone will know, everyone will know that I had sex.

I grab my bag or books, sling it over my shoulder and leave for lunch. Ginny falls into step with me in the hall. We don't say a word until right before we enter the great hall.

"Hermione, what's wrong?" She looks at me. I can understand why she would ask that question. I've been losing steady weight for a week since I've been puking everything up, the circles under my eyes continue to get darker, and my eyes become more hollow everyday.

"No but I can't tell you right now Gin, I really can't but maybe in a couple of weeks I can." I tell her. She nods. That's why we're best friends, she doesn't pressure me to tell her things even though I know it's killing her inside and she's the least judgmental person I know.

Breakfast is quiet and when Malfoy enter the great hall I can feel his eyes boring into the back of my head but I don't turn around, I don't acknowledge his existence. I don't try to eat anything for fear of throwing it back up three seconds later before I can make it to a bathroom. Harry and Ginny take turns looking at me trying to figure out what's wrong. I pull out my potions essay and put the finishing touches on it to occupy my attention. I leave the great hall and as I pass a few classrooms I notice that someone is running to catch up with me.

"Granger wait." He calls. I turn sharply to face him and to a quick halt.

"And since when, Malfoy, did you give a damn?" I turn around and continue walking and I don't hear footsteps behind me. Relief and anger overcome me all at once when I realize he didn't care enough to follow.

He slides into the seat beside me in potions and I want to hit him. He KNOWS that Harry ALWAYS sits there. Harry sends me a worried glance when he enters the class but I give him a slight smile and he knows that I'm not going to be all the sudden killed by Malfoy. Thirty minutes later I see a folded piece of paper slide in front of me.

Do you want to get married?-DM

NO!-HG

His face gave into a grimace and he wouldn't look at me for the rest of the class. For a week this continued. To him I didn't exist, he didn't look at me didn't speak to me. NOTHING! He is acting like a complete and total baby. I sit around and wait for him. Wait for him to get back from whatever girl he's whoring around with now. He enters the common room and I pull him around to face my by the arm.

"LOOK AT ME!" I scream. His eyes pop up to mine and time seems to stop as his eyes search mine. "Malfoy you don't love me okay, and I don't love you and just because I'm having your baby doesn't mean that we have to get married or that we will ever get married. It would be a loveless marriage and that would be even worse for our child then us." As I say these words the fact that I'm having a child becomes more and more realistic. I am having a baby! I'm going to bring another human being into this world.

"I never said I didn't love you Hermione." He mumbles quietly.