I cannot begin to write about the times where you were never in my thoughts, because in reality, those times do not exist. One cannot simply bury their hearts under the distractions of the world, because without a heart, one cannot breathe. However, it is surprisingly ironic that in the end, I only wished for my heart to freeze. A frozen heart would have been a relief to the continuous desolation vibrating through my bones. For a cold, fossilized heart is not only enough to numb the pain, but to also fool the others surrounding me. They would not mourn me, but instead, I would mourn myself.
An ultimate act of selfishness would have been a silent walk into the tide- never to return, almost like the time when you walked away from me. But in the end, the waves would be cursed and those around me would be burned. Maybe a small part of me wishes you would come back to warm my heart in your arms. And maybe...maybe I am just too optimistic, and will never have the courage to face the truth. Whatever the reason for my current outlook on life, I still only think of you. Which makes me only hate myself more. I wasn't powerful enough to stop you. I wasn't good enough to be loved by you. And after all of this time I have finally realized, that I will never be strong enough to forget you. No matter how many years it has been since I have stared into your beautiful obsidian eyes, they are still carved clear in my memory. Hahh, sometimes I ask myself- how can someone be so affected by someone who is so unaffected by them? I have often paused that thought before it developed into more heart crippling questions. Questions like- Would he even care? Or - Why was I not enough? Then my vision turns black, empty, and lonely.
Loneliness is poison. It eats away your soul till you find yourself staring into space no longer in tune to reality. When i was little, i had a nightmare where everyone i loved had been killed and left me alone. I had felt paralyzed and numb of all emotion. Suddenly everything in my world was empty and I had no one to talk to. I had no one who really knew me or had watched me grow and learn from my mistakes. I had no one to hold me and tell me "everything will be alright."
When i awoke, my eyes weakly tugged open with tears streaming down my emotionless face. And my hand gripped my hollowed heart. It was a feeling so intense and painful, i had never experienced such fear in my life. And now I can't help but think I understood your sorrow and your agony. I understood what hell you had lived through your whole entire life. I understood Loneliness.
I understood you.
But, with time i have grown more wise. I have learned more about this harsh life and the evils that surround us. And sometimes I wish I was still an ignorant little girl. The same one that would annoy you, so maybe then I would have had a chance to safe myself. But truthfully, I was doomed the first time I met you. My heart was yours from the beginning, and my fate was sealed in your eyes.
As I am sitting with my back against a strong tree, writing on this lined paper, the night has come alive. The stars and the moon illuminate the forest floor. With closed eyes, my senses are heightened and I feel as if I am breathing in the world. The air is fresh and crisp as it dances around the willow tree leaves. The sound of the animals shuffling in their beds is the percussion to the wind. Everything is calm and still, yet, constantly moving.
It is times like these where I think of you most. What would you look like now? Surely you would be tall and sturdy with strength of both mind and body. Of course, you were always strong. I could never think you weak, and by now you should be 23.
Do you think of me, like I think of you?
I would give anything to see your face...and it's almost like I see it now. So hypnotizing, so intoxicating...so beautiful...I can almost reach out and touch your glowing, pale skin. It looks like fragile porcelain, yet your broad, sculpted shoulders appear hard and powerful. Your midnight black hair blowing in the wind matches your tunneled eyes. And I don't feel alone. With you...I'm never alone.