Disclaimer.
Please if you don´t like the subject of suicide, just don´t read it!
Jeff was walking towards Alan´s room. It was the middle of the day and his youngest son hadn´t show up for breakfast and lunch. Not that it was unusual for the seventeen year old to spend the whole day in his room, it was Alan´s first day back and Jeff was hoping to have a heart to heart with his withdrawn son. The boy´s usual shining twinkling eyes were replaced by the haunted lost eyes a year ago.
It worried the whole family. After the Hood´s attack on Tracy island, Alan… well he just wasn´t Alan anymore. The teenager so eager to learn, didn´t even want to be near his brothers. All the teasing to get Alan to laugh didn´t help, he only withdrawn further and further until the youngest one barely even talked. And the Tracy patriarch wanted to know why.
He hadn´t pushed Alan, hoping the boy would figure his problems out himself. But it took to long so he took action himself.
Knocking softly on the door before opening he entered. The room was clean, not like an usual boy´s room. Even John´s room was messier. Everything was organised, on the right place, books sorted at alphabet.
Looking around he found his son, Alan was leaning over the balcony with his iPhone at his ear.
At first Jeff wanted to turn away to give his son privacy, but then he saw Alan´s body language. Shoulders and head down, hand running through his hair. Jeff couldn´t see the boys face but saw that Alan was in pain. So he walked to the door, close enough to hear Alan´s part of the conversation, but far enough that Alan won´t see him. Hiding behind the curtains, Jeff heard his son talk.
"Losing someone is always hard. Watching them fight a disease is hard but when they die, you got the chance to say goodbye. When someones dies within seconds, it´s hard but at least they didn´t suffer. Both are hard. But even worse is seeing your loved ones fight their own demons. Demons you can´t see. Dying sucks, a disease or accident it sucks. So don´t put your family and friends through that. Losing someone is hard, losing yourself is even harder, but you hold on for so long. You need to fight."
Jeff was confused, who was Alan talking to? And what was it about.
(…)
Alan started pacing. His hand through his hair again. "I don´t know man. I don´t know why. Maybe something happened, maybe you´re just feeling lost. It could be anything. Something stupid like a comment or a push. But something changed you and gave you the feeling that life isn´t worth it anymore. All I can say is, it´s not your fault. You need to find a reason why life is worth living, try to reach out to someone."
Alan was silent for a moment while the mystery caller spoke.
(…)
When he continued his voice was softer and Alan sat down his back against the glass door. "You said before that you didn´t want to hurt your family, maybe you can turn to them."
(…)
Closing his eyes for a second before going on. "I guess you just need to trust them, tell them you need help. Or go to a friend, or a teacher you trust. And if you don´t feel comfortable by them, I´ll be on the main land over three weeks. If you want, we can talk face to face. If you want to discuss things you don´t want to say over the phone."
(…)
The next few words shocked Jeff. "Because I´ve been where you´re now. And on really bad days, I´m still in the dark place called my mind. Where I can hide in the corner, hoping that someone notice and turn on the lights. Last time, I was able to push myself up, I fought like hell and it worked. It took me a long time but I´m finally able to find my own way out but it isn´t weak if you sometimes still need help. From time to time I reach my hands out, wondering if someone will grab it to pull me up."
Jeff let himself down on the ground. Was this why Alan was so distant? Why didn´t he ´reach out´ like he said?
(…)
"I get that you think you can do this on your own. I didn´t want to be helped when they introduced me into the program. But it helps. I learned that I´m not alone."
(…)
The voice started to raise on the other side of the line, but not loud enough for Jeff to hear.
"Calm down, I´m not going to say ´I know how you feel´ because I hate it when people do that. Everyone feels different, everyone is coping with life on their own way. Feeling their own pain. Working on and with the pain."
(…)
The person calmed down and so did Alan.
"Me? I go for a run or hide out in my room."
(…)
"I guess you never get over it completely. The first few months, you´re going to get bad days and normal days. And later, there are going to be the rare good days."
(…)
"A good day is... How do I explain this. I guess you know it´s a good day whan you smile and it reaches your eyes. When you wake up and you´re looking forward to start the day. Those day´s will come more often and you´ll feel whole again on those days."
(…)
signing, Alan let his head hang. "No I haven´t reach that yet."
(…)
A small smile appeared in Alan´s corners but Jeff knew that it didn´t reach the eyes. "No I can´t reach out to my family. That´s why I got a buddy who calls me every single day. The buddy system is for those who don´t have a support system at home. You get a senior pointed at you that senior is someone who rarely has bad day´s. These people check if you´re okay If you need to talk, they will always listen without judging you."
(…)
"No, I´m not a senior yet. I got to many bad days."
(…)
"They gave you my number because I went to something similar as you. A man broke into our home, almost killed my dad and brothers and tried to kill me."
(…)
One single tear was running down Alan´s cheek. "I can´t reach out to my family because they don´t know. I didn´t tell them. And I´m in the program not because what happened to me back then. It was the teasing, sometimes bullying that pushed me so far. I don´t like to be touched and they poke me. They keep pushing me further to the edge and back then I wondered if jumping was the right thing to. Sometimes is the teasing way worse than what that guy did to me. It´s my family that drove me to… well you know."
(…)
Taking a shaky breath before answering. "I don´t think they care. Some scars are hard to hide and no one asks about them. Not that I see them a lot."
(…)
"Sometimes I just want to disappear and see if anyone would miss me. I often think no one will."
(…)
"I guess the most people from the program can relate yo that. One time a guy said that it´s funny how the people you would take a bullet for, tends to always be the one behind the gun. They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. he guesses the biggest problem is to keep them apart. I sometimes don´t know the difference anymore."
(…)
"No it´s fine. Talking helps. That´s why I´m with the support group."
(…)
"I´m glad I was able to help you on your way. Just remember to take one day at the time. Try to hold on hope."
(…)
"Thanks, bye."
Alan hung up and just sat there for a moment. Wiping the tears from his eyes before pushing himself up from the ground. He looked over the sea for a few minutes and then he turned around. Finally noticing his dad.
"DAD!" Alan jumped surprized. "How long are you standing there?"
"For a while." Jeff takes a step closer to his son but Alan takes a step back so his back is resting against the balustrade. "Long enough."
"I… I was just… I don´t… you… had no right… you…"
Jeff took another step in Alan´s direction, trying to be closer to his son. But Alan backed away. "Please Alan. Don´t do this. Please."
"Do what dad? Turning away, like you turned away from me? Or keeping silent? Like you kept silent when…"
"When what?"
"It doesn´t matter." He whispered. "You don´t want to hear it anyway."
"I´m listening now." Jeff was standing in the door so Alan couldn´t walk away. "I may not want to hear what you´re going to say, but I need to hear it and you need to get it out. So start. Who was it on the Phone?"
Kicking a small stone out of the way, Alan put his hands in his pockets. Refusing to look in his fathers eyes. "A possible new member of my support group."
"Why are you in a support group?"
"I didn´t have a choice, when mr. Walice, he teaches chemistry, found out what happened over spring break and after that, he told me I had a choice. Join the ASS or he would tell you."
"ASS?"
"anonymous suicide survivors." Alan whispered, still refusing to look up.
Jeff took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Because of the Hood?"
"No. Can you just let it go?"
"No, I can´t let it go. Please, Alan." Alan looked down when he heard his brothers yell. They were in the pool. He flinched when Gordon yelled at Scott to take it as a man. He wasn´t a baby like Alan was he?
Alan didn´t get angry over the words. There was just sadness in his eyes. "The teasing." Jeff concluded.
"I just couldn´t take it any more." A small voice sounded so scared. So much younger than Alan´s real age.
Jeff grabbed Alan´s arm, ignoring the wince Alan made at the contact. "You mentioned scars." Alan tried to pull back but Jeff was stronger. Turning Alan´s arm, Jeff winced himself when he saw the scaring on Alan´s lower arm. "We did this to you." Jeff whispered, his finger tracing the scaring while Alan tried to pull away.
A few tears started to fall down Alan´s cheeks. Pulling his son into a careful hug, he buried Alans head against his shoulder, allowing his son to break down for a moment. He tighten his grip when he felt the wetness from the boy´s tears.
"I´m sorry son. I am so sorry." Jeff whispered while rubbing circles on the boy´s back, running his other hand through the blonde locks. "I should have been there for you, I´m so so sorry."
After a few minutes Jeff was almost supporting his son´s whole weight.
Pulling Alan to the bed, Jeff laid down with the seventeen year old. Knowing that the teenager needed the comfort. Alan may not be happy that Jeff knew but Jeff was. After a few minutes, Alan was fast a sleep next with his head on his dads chest.
The door opened and John came walking in, looking up surprised when he saw his father and youngest brother together. "You found out what was bothering him?" the second oldest asked softly.
"Yes, he had enough of the teasing. He didn´t want to be here at home because of that." Jeff lied. He didn´t want his other sons to find out. At least not now. "It has to stop before we lose him John. We can´t lose him."
"I know. At least he opened up to you dad. I was really worried about him." John brushed a few hairs out of Alan´s eyes. "Maybe he just needs to know we love him. Why don´t you take him to the mainland for a few days. Just the two of you. You can talk some things out."
"A great idea."
"No the Thunderbirds can last a week without y…" John stopped looking his father with shock. "Did you just say yes?"
"He needed me John, and I wasn´t there. I think he needs me now, even if he doesn´t say it. And I need to be close to him."
"That bad?"
"That bad." Jeff rubbed Alan´s arm in comforting way when Alan started to whimper in his sleep. "Tell your brothers if they even think about teasing Alan, they are up on five for the rest of their lives."
"Why punishing me?" John mocked. Walking out the room.
When Alan calmed down, Jeff smiled. Kissing the boys forehead, he started to think about what he and Alan could do the next few days.
Jeff spent the next few weeks with his son. Walking around London, visiting the Tracy offices all around the world, working, talking about everything and sometimes about nothing at all. And three days before they had to go home, Alan´s smile reached his eyes. And Jeff knew everything will be okay.
It sometimes just takes time and someone to listen to you.