OK, so I've litreally just written this. It's a bit weird. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Jean Valjean was eating a cheese sandwich. He liked cheese sandwiches. They had bread. Jean Valjean (or, for the sake of the author, JVJ) was a bit of a bread addict. Scrap that, he was CRAZY about bread. He used to steal it from the bakery, but then he got caught and was imprisoned. However, if he was not given some sort of bread every single day, he would get cravings. Like serious cravings. His would start foaming at the mouth and then burst into song. More on that later.
It just so happened that the prison warden on duty was a (slightly deranged) nice person called Javert. Javert liked stars. Like, really liked stars. Almost as much as JVJ liked bread. But not quite.
It also just so happened (woah, there's a whole load of good luck in this story, isn't there? Maybe it should be called Les Chanceux?) that today was the day JVJ was getting released. Javert, being a nice person, packed him a tuck bag full of sparkly cheese sandwiches. JVJ, unlike Javert, was a bit spoilt, he had wanted salami in his sandwiches, and he didn't want it to be sparkly! Sparkly things were for girls! In fact, the only thing that JVJ liked that was sparkly was My Little Pony. And that was definitely a very mild obsession. Definitely. He definitely did not know which pony was the cleverest, kindest, clumsiest and sportiest. Definitely not. (But, just in case the reader wanted to know, the answers are Brighteyes, Sweetheart, Clover and Patch respectively. Not that JVJ knew that. I promise you.) So JVJ threw a tantrum until Javert went and changed the cheese for salami.
Once all things salami-related had been sorted out, Javert and JVJ decided that were going to sing for the rest of their lives for no reason in particular. Y'know, as you do. Javert and JVJ then had a very boring conversation about the lawr, which we will skip over because the reader probably knows what they will say anyway. (And if you don't - SHAME ON YOU!)
JVJ then set off into the big wide world. Like the three little pigs. And, because he was in a three little pigs kind of mood, he built a house out of straw. Which was probably a waste of three hours of his life, but whatever. He then drank from a well that someone had probably peed in, and decided to go and work on a farm. Like Old Mcdonald. Who had a farm, if ya didn't know.
JVJ almost got the job, but then (rather stupidly) he decided to show the farmer his medical details. Which may or may not have highlighted his ever so slight obsession with bread. (But definitely not My Little Pony.). So JVJ got sacked because farmers are judgemental like that. He then realised he hadn't had any bread for at least four hours, so he started foaming at the mouth. And, as the author, I can tell you that is not a nice image. Like, really, not a nice image.
Especially if you're visualising Alfie Boe.
I'm very sorry for subjecting you to that. I had to get it out of my system.
Eppy Liz xx