I do not own and did not create Gundam Wing. I make no claim to the song used in this chapter (entitled "Sunday", by the artist Sia). I do, however, own the characters of Izzy, Chris, Matthews, Reamon, Stark, Dominic, and the General... to name a few... lol... whatever...
"History is much like an endless waltz. The three beats of war, peace, and revolution continue on forever."
-Maremeia Kushrenada
I can do this... I can do this... Just take your time... Just breathe. Breathe deep. I tell myself this as I walk through the hall. Ten years... my entire life, up to this point, has been lived for one purpose, and one purpose only. I have been a pilot for most of those ten years, fighting for the colony against a government that seeks total control. The irony of war, however, is that more often than not, whether we win or we lose, in the end we are always destroyed.
I nod to people as I pass them, dressed in the full military uniform of Colony L4. The dark khaki pant legs brushing against each other as people walk is the only sound. There is no talking among ourselves, no friendly face among the crowd, and nothing short of perfection to be seen in soldiers about to be sent off to die in a meaningless war that no one can win.
When the colonies won their independence from earth, it was peaceful for the first time in years. But peace does not last forever, and people, as hard as they try, are not perfect. A power struggle soon erupted among the colonies. Colony L1, lead by a old war general, pleaded with earth to act as a mediator between the five colonies and help them to come to a peaceful, fair resolution. Relena Darlian, an official high in the government, agreed to the arrangement. Two days later, as Relena arrived on Colony L1, a virus was released into the computer systems of the colony, effectively destroying the colony and all it's inhabitants.
Relena Darlian was lead away from the colony just in time by an unnamed soldier and was taken back to earth, where it was determined that they would no longer interfere in the affairs of the colonies, ever again. Colony L1 became a wasteland, too far damaged to be inhabitable, and with the beginnings of a war, no colony could spare the time or resources needed to repair it.
That was 18 years ago, AC 197. The war has been raging between the colonies ever since.
Every day of my training has lead up to this point, and as I took my first step into the room where my gundam stood before me, my heart began to pound. I was no soldier. I was not meant to fight, to kill. I didn't think strategically; I didn't take the time to weigh the numbers. The question of who would live and who die was a question I should not have had to ask. To fight was not my nature. And yet, here I stood. A seasoned soldier, with 51 kills to my name, and part of the most decorated gundam unit in the military.
It is the saddest thing in the world to become a soldier at the age of seven.
Endless Waltz:
The Human Touch
by M.J.
Chapter 1
Halfway to Cloud Nine
"Chris!" Izzy moaned. She took deep, heavy breaths, trying to maintain some control as ecstasy fought to take her over. Every inch of her was on fire, wanting to feel skin on skin. The world faded out... all, except for one little piece. "Do. NOT.Answer that." Izzy warned him through clenched teeth. Chris groaned and reached for the communicator. Izzy glared and snarled at him, pulling herself out from underneath him and wrapping a sheet around herself. Chris watched her for a long moment as he listened to the voice in the communicator, telling him to report for a mission.
"We're needed for a mission debriefing." Chris announced. Izzy glared up at him as she slid on her lacy, non-standard issue panties.
"No shit." Izzy snapped. Chris sighed, scratching the back of his head.
"Don't be like that. You know I had to do it. I'm the team leader." Chris told her, frowning. Izzy's glare didn't lessen in intensity. "We're soldiers." Chris told her firmly. "This is what we do."
"It's not what I do." Izzy mumbled as she pulled on her pants. "I'm not going." Chris rolled his eyes.
"Not this again, Izzy."
"NOT THIS AGAIN?" Izzy screamed at him. "Not this again? What do you expect me to do exactly, Chris? What?" She swallowed hard, trying to find the words. "Chris, all we do is kill. We kill the soldiers, or we kill ourselves fighting just so some tyrant who's never seen the battlefield can be more important than everybody else."
"You know that's not why we do it." Chris replied. Izzy snapped her bra in place and pulled her tank top on over her head. She tied her shoes and went to the door. "I am your superior officer, and I will have you detained if you do not report to the mission debriefing immediately." Izzy gazed back at Chris. Two minutes ago, they had been halfway to cloud nine, and now he was threatening to have her arrested. She fought to keep the tears from falling as shook her head, looking at him sadly. "Please don't make me do this, Izzy."
"I..." She leaned against the door frame for support and closed her eyes. "I'll be there."
"Izzy, you're doing the right thing." She looked up at Chris, sorrow now hidden behind haunted eyes.
"Then why does it feel so wrong?"
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Chris stepped into the debriefing room and scanned the area. Matthews had arrived four minutes earlier, as he usually did. He was of the kind to be punctual and pay close attention to details. It was a quality that had progressed him higher in the ranks than others at the age of 13. His close cut dark hair was a striking contrast to his almost vampiric pale skin, and sharp blue eyes. In the years since he had joined their unit, he had grown close to Izzy; almost like a younger brother.
Stark, not quite as punctual and two years older than the others, arrived just after Chris; his uniform disheveled and his hair untidy. Chris caught the man's eyes and grimaced, looking towards his uniform. Stark's eyes widened momentarily and he immediately began to tuck in his shirt and fix his hair. He looked up for Chris' approval, which he received with a slight nod. Chris took a seat beside Stark and across from Matthews, awaiting the last two soldiers. His eyes drifted to the clock. They had three minutes.
When that three minutes was up exactly, he would know she was not coming. When that three minutes was up, he would have no choice.
They sat in silence. Stark fidgeted in his seat, twitching his fingers and playing cat's cradle with a piece of string carefully placed underneath the side of the table so the other two did not see him. Matthews stared straight ahead, a perfect example of a disciplined soldier. Chris' kept his focus on the clock, catching flickers of Stark and Matthews' activities from the corners of his eyes.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock... Another moment come and gone, and still Charles and Izzy were nowhere to be seen. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock... Stark made a noise, chomping his teeth together resulting in a loud clack that seemed to resonate through the room. He twitched when he realized what he'd done and sat very still, as though if he did not move, he could disappear from the room. Matthews sighed quietly. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock... Twenty-five seconds. Chris' eyes glared at the second hand. Nineteen seconds. Stark bit the side of his mouth in frustration and insecurity. Chris' eyes glazed over, any hope that once shined in them gone. Four seconds. She was not coming. He sighed. The door opened and he jumped up, followed by Matthews and Stark, as General McHeihee stepped into the room, already in the middle of speaking. "...quite inappropriate. A weapon such as a gundam should, under no circumstances, be painted pink." Chris let out a deep breath.
"And that is exactly why we should do it, sir. The enemy would never expect it." Izzy said as she walked into the room behind the general. The General grimaced.
"We would be the laughing stock of the entire war." the General replied in his deep, almost guttural voice. Reamon, the fifth member of their unit, came in a second later. Izzy smiled.
"Yes, but it would be so cute!" Izzy whined. General McHeihee chuckled lightly at Izzy's girlish enthusiasm, patting her on the head as though she were a dog, and told her no. Izzy pouted as she and Reamon took their seats at the table, waiting for the debriefing to begin.
Dominic, a scientist and technician, stalked in carrying stacks of paper. His greasy hair was mussed, sticking out in different directions, and his severe, dark eyes were hidden behind the black framed glasses that he had worn since the day they had arrived. He dropped the stacks of papers on the table, charts and statistics spilling out everywhere. Matthews pushed his chair back a step and resisted the urge to lecture the man on proper upkeep and general organizational techniques. Dominic pushed the glasses up on his nose and looked towards the General, who stood and took everyone's attention.
"As you know, in A.C. 197, the Nassi Virus was released on Colony L1, to the devastating the entire civilization. None survived, and to this day L1 has remained completely undisturbed." General McHeihee intoned. Matthews stared unflinchingly at the General, not even taking the time to blink. Izzy smirked mischievously, and slid down in her chair. She kicked Matthews in the leg lightly, and he immediately turned his head to glare daggers at her. She responded by crossing her eyes and sticking her tongue out at him, her face returning to normal seconds later, in time to see the smirk Matthews tried to repress. She smiled at him and he kicked her back before returning his attention to the General, Izzy following suit. "You will be traveling to the remains of Colony L1 where you will access the main computer where the virus was launched and download the virus onto a disc, to be brought back here."
"I thought the systems were damaged beyond use." Chris inquired. Dominic stepped in and nodded.
"They were too damaged to sustain life on the colony without major repairs, taking months. Possibly years. However, scans show that some power remains in one of the generators left behind on the colony." Dominic explained.
"Wh- ..." Stark took a deep breath. "Why are we going to get the virus?" General McHeihee gave him his best military official smile.
"As a precaution, of course. If we have the virus, we can study how it works. We can prevent such an attack on our own colony." General McHeihee explained. Stark nodded and resumed his earlier silent position. Izzy took a deep breath.
"A simple search and retrieve? No enemy soldiers, no fighting?" Izzy asked. Her heart felt the slightest bit lighter. General McHeihee nodded.
"Search and retrieve." he agreed. "Should you run into enemy soldiers, you are not to engage in battle unless absolutely necessary." Izzy gave a small sigh of relief and looked towards Chris. His eyes glinted with... something... Mischief? Excitement? He noticed her watching him and turned his head, giving her a slight nod, and the glint was gone. If it had ever been there in the first place. It was more likely, Izzy decided, that she was simply imagining such a thing.
"Now, you five will leave at 1800 hours. You will set your destination for this part of the colony," Dominic told them, pointing to a spot on one of the charts he'd brought with him. "We believe the main computer to be located just inside here.
"When you reach the colony, you will your suits and log onto the computer, and, while coordinating with me over communicator, you will download the virus onto this disc, and report back to the base." he told them, holding a disc in the air.
"After which, you will all receive three weeks' leave." General McHeihee finished. The five all looked up at each other at this comment. Three weeks leave? They had not had such an opportunity in all the years since they had left their homes. No one had.
"Three weeks?" Izzy asked. "Three weeks, away?" The general nodded.
"Three weeks. Is everyone understood?" General McHeihee asked. They each nodded in turn. "Good, then you are dismissed and are to report for the mission in three hours time."
And with that, the debriefing was over.
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Izzy sat on the catwalk just beside the gundam Sunday, her long time companion. The red and white armor plates glinted in the near darkness of the room. She sighed, staring hard at the eyes that seemed to peer back at her. "Mother would say it was foolish." she said quietly. "She would say it's an unnecessary risk; that the colony has been abandoned for years, and that no one would dare to go near it now." Izzy laughed. "Of course, she'd also say that it was haunted with the souls of thousands of innocents... and maybe it is." she murmured quietly. She rubbed the back of her neck, feeling the familiar tension pain that came so frequently. She sighed, glancing down.
Below her stood Matthews and General McHeihee, speaking in hushed tones. Obviously, so no one else could hear; but a soldier's trained to pick up things that no one else is supposed to, and bits and pieces drifted up and found their way to her straining ears.
"Mother... pregnant... risky..." came General McHeihee's voice. The next few words made her perk up from her post. "Released... sick... nurse... return home..." She strained her eyes to focus only on Matthews, trying to pick up his reaction. But as Matthews had trained himself to remain a disciplined soldier, always, none came but a subtle nod. General McHeihee placed a hand on his shoulder in a kind gesture that was rarely seen at the base, before he left. Matthews stood very still for a long time, and Izzy began to wonder if he was still breathing at all. Another moment passed before he turned and gazed up at her with those same dead eyes she had seen so often on the all of the men on the base.
He turned suddenly and disappeared, showing up at the beginning of the catwalk and coming towards her. They nodded in greeting and he took a seat beside her, their legs hanging over the side as they gripped the railings. They sat in silence. Izzy waited; he had to be the first to speak, or he would not tell her anything at all. So she waited, and finally, half an hour later, he gave in. "She's sick."
"Your mother?" Izzy asked. He nodded. "Is the baby okay?" He kept his eyes trained on the floor below, swallowing before he replied.
"No." came his response. He took a deep breath. "They've offered me a leave, so I can go home and take care of her." Izzy kept her eyes on him, unsure of what to do.
"Are you going to take it?" she asked.
"I am a soldier." he said firmly. Izzy frowned, remembering those first few years at the academy.
"You're her son." Izzy told him. "You're her family. She loves you." He shook his head, for a single moment, he is unguarded and a trace of emotion slips through.
"She wouldn't have let me go..." the words slip out so quietly that Izzy wasn't sure she'd really heard them at all. She sighed.
"Hey... come on..." Matthews looked up at her. "She couldn't stop it, Matt. None of them could." Izzy said. "This isn't how it's supposed to be, you know." Matthews gazed at her curiously before speaking.
"How?"
"We're supposed to going to school. Learning math, and spending hours in front of the television." She laughed. "Talking about much we hate Shakespeare, and thinking about dances and boys... or girls, in your case." she added quickly as she saw him make a face. She shook her head and frowned. "It shouldn't be this way. Children shouldn't have to grow up this fast."
"But we do." Matthews continued her thought. "Because it's the only way."
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Izzy pulled the sleeve of her suit up her arm as she gazed back at Matthews. It had been decided that directly after this last mission, he would be sent home to care of his mother. It would be painful, she thought, but it would be good for him. It would be... humanizing.
For those who's slept
For those who've kept
Themselves jacked up
How Jesus wept
"How's everybody doing?" Chris yelled as he entered the room, walking over to his locker. Izzy glanced up to watch as he began to pull his shirt over his head, exposing the well-defined muscles beneath. He grinned as he noticed her watching.
"Isabel Beckett, ready to launch." she told him. He nodded.
"Gregory Stark, ready to launch!" Stark called out as he zipped up his suit. Reamon slid on his boots and zipped up his suit.
"Heath Reamon, ready to launch."
"Brian Matthews, ready to launch." Matthews said from his locker. Izzy frowned each time she'd seen him wear it. He had the features of a young child, but among those features were the sharp blues of a seasoned warrior, ready to die. So young, and ready to die. Chris was done changing by the time Matthews had finished speaking, and he turned to them with his helmet in hand.
"Christopher Montgomery, ready to launch.
Sunday
Sunday
They launched the gundams at exactly 1800 hours, their destinations set. "So," Chris' face flashed on the corner of screens of the gundams. "What are you guys going to do with your time off?"
There was no response for a long moment, and then Reamon spoke up. "I'll tell you where I'm going. I'm to go to a bar, find a cheap, big breasted woman, and I'm going to get laid." They all laughed. All, except Matthews that is.
"I'm going to a grocery store, and I'm going to buy all the candy and chocolate I can. Then I'm going to eat it all in one night." Stark said. Izzy had seen Stark when he'd finally detoxed from sugar after coming from the academy, and not a moment before, and even now he could not stop twitching, save when he had a gun in his hands. She was almost afraid to think what he might be like once he was back on sugar.
"And you, Matthews?" Chris asked.
For those in need
For those who speed
For those who try to slow their minds with weed
Izzy waited for his response, unsure what he would do. "I'm going home." he finally said after a few long moment. Izzy sighed.
"And you, Beckett?" Chris inquired, interest sparked in his voice. What would she do... What would she do...
"I'm going to launch my porn career, I think."
Sunday
Sunday
"This is the place!" Reamon called out. The five gundams were position directly beside the entrance to the computer room. Izzy grabbed the disc and opened the head of the gundam, her suit and helmet in place as there was no longer any breathable air. She jumped down, barely even feeling the landing. The gravity simulator was working, though the settings were incredibly weak.
She walked over to the console and started hitting keys. "Okay, I'm in." she called into the communicator.
"Good. Now listen carefully," Dominic's voice came through the communicator fuzzy, as though the signal had been compromised. It must be the latent security systems, Izzy decided.
For those who wake
With a blind headache
Who must be still
Who will sit and wait
"The disc is at 87 and counting." Izzy spoke into the communicator.
"Hey, did you guys see that?" Chris asked.
"See what?" Izzy asked quickly. Matthews and Reamon searched the area for any signs of life. Nothing had survived on L1, so that meant it could be only one thing.
Enemy soldiers.
For Sunday, to be Monday
"Keep an eye on Izzy." Chris ordered. Izzy backed away from the console to look at his gundam.
"What the hell are you talking about, 'keep an eye on Izzy'? What are you d-" Izzy didn't get a chance to finish before Chris' gundam left, heading towards the area of concern. "Christopher Montgomery, what the hell are you doing, you stupid asshole!?" she cried into the communicator, knowing full well he could hear her.
And then it happened, faster than her mind could comprehend. A noise, loud and piercing, broke to the silence of space. An explosion Izzy knew to be a gundam light the darkness, and deep in the pit of her stomach, Izzy felt a sickness.
Her eyes became cloudy, and her face became strangely wet. And for some reason, she couldn't find any words to speak. "Izzy, get back to your gundam!" And even as Reamon, Stark, and Matthews called out to her, she heard nothing at all. "Izzy, goddammit! Get back to your gundam now!"
Yeah, it will be okay
Do nothing today
Give yourself a break
Let your imagination run away
Izzy struggled to take deep breaths, her legs suddenly weak. She leaned against the console for support, staring at the screen ahead of her. Somewhere, in her mind, she was aware. Aware of the mission, aware of the people who she'd adopted as family, in trouble and trying to reach her. She was aware of it all, but she just couldn't move. "We're surrounded!"
"Where the hell did they come from!?"
"Izzy!"
"Oh dear god!"
For those with guilt
For those who wilt
Under pressure
No tears over spilt milk
"The... the disc is at 94 and counting..." Izzy spoke. The sounds were so close, and the pain, the screams, were so close, and yet so distant. I can't do this... I can't do this...
"IZZY!" Matthews voice rang through her helmet as dodged a blast from an enemy gundam. I have to do something.
Sunday
Sunday
She pushed from the console, leaving the disc behind, and made her way back to her gundam. She closed the door and snapped herself into place, preparing to fight. "Matthews, what's your status?"
"Izzy?"
"What's your status?!" she yelled.
"The left blaster rifle is gone, and I'm out of ammunition."
Sunday
Sunday
She aimed the laser without hesitation, she fired, taking out an enemy unit in a single blast. She moved left, then right, avoiding blasts and trying to make her way to the others.
"DAMMIT!" Izzy's gaze immediately jumped to Reamon, to the right of her. One arm of his gundam had been completely blown off, and the rest was suffering badly.
Sunday
Sunday
"I can't hold them off!" Reamon called out.
"Jump out of your gundam!" Stark called.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, JUMP OUT OF MY GUNDAM!?" he yelled. "DIRECTLY INTO ENEMY FIRE?"
"I'll move into position, you'll land inside my gundam!"
"It's too risky."
"Do it!"
Sunday
Sunday
Reamon unhooked himself from his seat in the gundam, sliding his helmet in place and securing it. "Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit." He opened the front of his gundam and gazed out into space, laser blasts moving to and fro in front of him, colliding with everything in site. The colony, enemy units. Matthews and Beckett were taking heavy fire, probably to cover Stark as he moved in.
He took a deep breath. "I must be crazy. Damned crazy." He pushed off, drifting loose in space and praying to whatever god may be listening that he wasn't caught in the battle's crossfire.
And for a moment, he didn't think he'd make it. He didn't think he would meet Stark, waiting for him with the gundam open. He didn't think he'd live, to see the end of the war someday. To marry, and have children, and grandchildren. For a moment, he doubted.
But only for a moment. "Glad to see you're in one piece." Stark greeted as Reamon closed the last of the gap.
"For a moment, I didn't think I'd make it." Reamon responded.
"You did, and for your bravery in such a perilous situation, when you get leave, get yourself two cheap, big breasted women." Stark said. He and Reamon laughed as the door started to close. Some small sense of relief set in; determination. There would be no more casualties. Christopher Montgomery was enough.
With that thought, one laser blast hit with deadly accuracy directly inside the gundams, and though they were in space and the explosion was not enough to cause a shock wave, Matthews and Izzy felt a tremor that struck deeper than anything they could have imagined.
Yeah, it will be okay
Do nothing today
Give yourself a break
Let your imagination runaway
"Oh, god." Izzy cried, tears streaming down her cheeks. She looked at the spot where her friends had been only seconds before, and deep down, somewhere inside of her, she felt something snap. She took a deep breath and swallowed hard, flexing her fingers on the weapons controls. Her gaze fixed on the enemy unit who had fired the blast, and she let loose of a torrent of missiles that connected with everything in sight.
"IZZY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Matthews called. She didn't hear him. Everything was gone. Every voice of reason, every piece of her conscience. She was numbed to them, immune. They were all crying, screaming out to her, and she heard none of them. Not even Matthews.
Yeah, it will be okay
Do nothing today
Give yourself a break
Let your imagination runaway
"IZZY, STOP IT!" Matthews screamed. He dropped his post and moved toward her, ignoring the enemy fire he received, taking a heavy toll on his already damaged gundam. "IZZY!" he called out. "IZZY!"
And in that moment, he saw it. Her blind spot. The one thing she did not anticipate, that she did not see. And perhaps, at this point, she did not want to see. There was only one thing he could do. He had no more weapons; he'd lost most of his gundam. The blasts were blowing him to pieces. There was no way out.
Well, let him not die defenseless and weaponless, knowing the same fate would eventually meet that of the only person he'd been close to. He moved quickly, as quickly as his gundam would allow, and seconds before that final blast hit, he spoke four words.
"I LOVE YOU, IZZY!"
The blast connected and the whole world went white. Izzy froze, her hands still gripping the controls, and stared at the blinding light. What had happened?
She couldn't move. Not a muscle, not at all. She couldn't speak. She couldn't think. She was frozen. Just frozen in place. What had happened?
The light faded quickly, leading back the same cold, dark, black that was space, and all around Izzy stood an army of enemy mobile suits, cold and calculating, and ready to destroy her. And she simply couldn't move.
And suddenly the black of space seemed unrelenting, limitless; seeping through the gundamium and the space suit, and the enemy mobile units, to finally consume her.
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When I was very little, before I was taken from my home to be trained as a soldier, my mother told me something that I would never forget.
People are not kind by nature, she said. People are violent. We are trained, from the moment we are born, what is right and what is wrong. How to act, how to think. War changes that; it taints it. And to take a child from that so soon, is to destroy everything that is human.
I have the blood of a thousand men on my hands, even that of my own comrades. When I was a child, before this war, I was innocent. But just as right and wrong is tainted, so am I, and with each passing day, I can feel my very soul dying.
A/N: I know, I know. It's horrible, you hate it, it's been done. Whatever. . Okay, so I've actually been working on this for a long while, and any and all comments are appreciated. Which is a nice way of saying, you'd better review, or I'll hunt you down and I'll... . '' I'll... do... something!
More to come. Now I'm going to bed because it's five in the morning, I haven't slept, I have work to do tomorrow, and the dogs in the other room keep whining at me which is driving me slowly mad.