A/N: I wrote this just after season four aired. The second half of the fic was completely... Ridiculous... So I'm rewriting it! The first half is pretty much good to go though, just needs some bits adding and some editing. I've also added lyrics, because that seemed appropriate.

If anyone's followed me over from the Rookie Blue fandom 1. This fic is a COMPLETELY different tone, not even half as fluffly and fun. 2. Thanks for following me. 3. I got a half sleeve tattoo, toast girl is a big fan.

I'm going to miss the way I missed you,

But I'm okay if you're okay,

I've been lonely when I'm with you,

But now I'm lonely all the same.

I've been in love with her since I was 12, loved her from the moment I saw her.

It was a school assembly, mum had moved us to Bristol for her latest 'saving the world one homeless person at a time' stint, they were introducing me, so naturally there was the general piss take that was my name. It was her sisters laugh that caught my attention, loud, obnoxious, the only thing 12 year old Katie was missing was leopard print. Before I could launch a full scale scowl on her I noticed the girl next to her pulling on her sleeve, silencing her. That was the first time I looked into Emily Fitch's eyes, her face turned towards me and I fell. For years my eyes followed her, for years I'd lay awake at night thinking about how one day we would strike up a conversation and she would fall madly in love with me.

The day we were paired up for some Geography project was the best day of my 15 year life, for 3 years I had watched her and finally we actually had our first conversation, she was as beautiful as I had always imagined. In that short hour I fell even harder, I fell for the way her nose crinkled before she laughed, I fell for the light that appeared in her eyes when she found something interesting, I fell for how soft her hand was when it accidentally brushed against mine. It was at this time I began to put a word to how I was feeling, she was a girl, I was a girl, I was gay. It was something that was always there, in the back of my mind, I would always find myself lusting after the female lead instead of the male in any TV program, I watched the cheerleaders instead of the footballers, I checked out Miss Blackwell instead of Mr Anderson.

That best day shortly turned into the best year. We had glancing conversations, normally interrupted by Katie dragging her off somewhere, a small smile always thrown over her shoulder as she was dragged away. We ate lunch together sometimes, normally when Katie was off molesting her latest boyfriend, it was at these times I had to restrain myself from grabbing her by the front of her blazer and crashing my lips against hers in front of the whole canteen.

It was the end of year 11, everyone who was anyone had been invited to some posh bitches house to party out their final day of secondary school. I spent an hour trying to spot her, but in the end she found me. I had relocated to the kitchen ready to down some of the multicoloured shots that had been left on the table, try and block out the crushing sense of loss at the realisation that I would probably never see her again. We had been passing friends at best, I didn't even have her number. Then there she was stood in the doorway watching me, her eyes undoing me. Before I could call out and greet her I found her body pushing mine against the table, her hands locked in my hair as her lips caressed mine. It took barely a moment for me to react, my arms wrapped around her waist as I backed her into the kitchen counter. Feelings overwhelmed me. I finally had my girl.

Then she turned up, the force that was Katie Fitch tore us apart, the abuse she hurled at me, the stinging of her hand slapping against my face, it didn't dislodge my eyes from Emily's pleading ones. My heart broke, shattered to my feet, but I knew what I had to do. I let Katie push me around, I let her think it was me that kissed Emily. I protected her even though four years of longing was ripping me apart inside.

I slept with a guy for the first time that night. After Katie had dragged Emily out the back door and Emily never looked back I knew I had to do something to stop feeling it all. His come one was crude, but it was enough. The pattern repeated itself over the summer. I refused to think about Emily, hardened my exterior and slept with any guy who showed any interest hoping I would find a spark with one them to silence the voices that told me this was wrong. I wasn't gay.

Roundview was meant to be a fresh start, but my body still felt heavy at the thought I'd never look into Emily Fitch's eyes again. Then it all happened, our eyes met and I fell again. Harder than I had when I was just 12, but this time the feelings terrified me, I already knew what it was like to lose her. I couldn't deny to myself that I loved her, but I couldn't help pushing her away, I was just so scared if I gave into her she would tear my life apart again. That's why when I finally had her, I forced it to fall apart by sleeping with Sophia in a desperate attempt to shake her hold on me.

Now she's upstairs, in our bed, with a girl that isn't me. Nothing would happen between them tonight, the girl Emily had brought home had promptly passed out on top of the covers, Emily had made it as far as top of the stairs before deciding the landing was a sufficient place to sleep. Like so many nights before I carried her into our room and placed her under the covers, I was to weary to try changing her into something that resembled sleep wear. It was my own fault, but it didn't make the crushing feeling of seeing her with someone else any less gut wrenching. In the end she would be better without me, she would find someone to fall in love with, someone who could be brave for her when she needed, instead of being terrified she would find someone more deserving of her love every moment they were together.

I missed her eyes the most. She never looked at me any more, only when she was angry, but even in those moments her eyes pierced through all the defences I had.

My thoughts were disturbed by the rattling lock on the back door, Cook undoubtedly breaking in after he'd lost his key again. He would probably proceed to throw up in the sink again as well. Pushing myself off the sofa I went to greet the little jail breaker extraordinaire, make him down a couple of glasses of water. I was not having a repeat of Monday, how he managed to generate that amount of vomit still escaped me. He'd been a surprise rock for me during this time, surprised me that he could think with anything but his cock really.

The kitchen was still bathed in darkness, an orange glow from the street lights helped me pick out the silhouette of a man, except it wasn't Cook. This man was bigger. Fear gripped me immediately, but still my thoughts ignored my safety and flared straight to Emily.

I found my voice, the tremor unmistakable "Who the fuck are you?"

He turned around slowly, his smiling face revealed in the orange light. He didn't seem surprised by my presence in the room, his voice was steady "Good evening, Miss, Miss Campbell yes? I'm looking for Emily, is she upstairs?"

At the mention of Emily my voice found the conviction it was missing, "That's none of your fucking business, now, who the fuck are you?"

"Sorry, I'm Dr John Foster, I've been treating Elizabeth Stonem. Something very interesting came up in one of her recent sessions concerning Emily, I think she's causing a block in her treatment, so just like Freddie she's going to need to be removed." His voice remained calm as he took a step towards me holding out his hand waiting for me to shake it.

"What the fuck do you mean removed like Freddie?" His hand dropped back down to his side and he shook his head at me.

"Oh, now Naomi, I know you're smart enough to know exactly what I mean by that." I swallowed the lump in my throat, because he was right, I knew exactly what he was implying when he said he was going to 'remove' her. My mind flashed to Freddie and my heart sank, he'd been missing for days.

"Emily isn't here, we broke up." A partial lie, but I had to get him away from here or at least buy some time.

"Then you won't mind me checking?" He took another step towards me, "Emily's behaviour really is causing quite an unnecessary block in my treatment of Elizabeth. You see, the sooner the block is out the way, the sooner we can be together, you've been in love Naomi, you know you can't let anything stand in the way."

My mind swirled, what the fuck was wrong with him, "Get out." He didn't miss my glance to the door, or the step I took towards it, towards to where Emily was.

His eyes widened, he knew I'd lied to him, "So she is upstairs then."

I was panicking, I had to keep him away from her, "I said get out!"

"I think it's best you move out the way Naomi." Staring directly into my eyes there was no mistaking the underlying threat when he whispered those words to me.

"I said get the fuck out of my house." All my muscles were tensed, I just had to stop him getting past me or somehow warn Emily to get out before he got to her. He predicted my move out the door and swung me back into the kitchen, I wasn't expecting the push to my chest or the blow he delivered to my stomach, sending me crashing onto the kitchen table. Something wasn't right. I could feel something. Something that wasn't meant to be there. Something where he'd hit me. No. Something where he'd stabbed me.

He stood over my quivering form and smirked down at me, as I frantically tried to focus on anything but the excruciating pain in my stomach. I could feel the tears falling down the side on my face, could feel my chest heaving as I desperately tried to keep my breathing steady. I forced words out through my clenched jaw, "No, you...". Breathe. "Can't... Have". Breathe. "Her".

"How about we just bring her down here?" I saw his arm jerk and felt the knife twist inside me. I didn't recognise the animalistic sound echoing through the house until I realised it was coming from my own throat. Pain, white hot pain radiating from where he had plunged the blade. I couldn't do anything but gulp in air, I could hear my own cries and feel more tears pouring from my eyes as I lay helpless on the table.

"That's it Naomi, let Emily hear the pain you're in. Elizabeth told me what happened, this is what you've wanted to do for the longest time isn't it?" Anger flooded me, fuck him, fuck his smug smile, I was going to fucking tear it from his fucking face with my bare fucking hands.

I gulped in some more air ready to speak when the light flickered on startling both of us.

"Naomi?"

No.