AN: What's up Bleach fans? This is a crackfic, something I'm well aware would only happen in a messed up universe so don't load up my reviews with this is so unbelievable.
Out on the town
The moon was gleaming brightly over Las Noches and into Orihime's cell when Ulquiorra walked in. He watched her look up from the manga that Gin had given her to pass the time and smiled at him.
"What's up?" she asked.
"Aizen wants everyone in the throne room immediately, come," he said simply turning on his heel and leaving. She jumped up from the ground and followed him quickly after brushing off her uniform. The walk was silent like always until they got to the throne room which was jam packed. Orihime waved at Gin when she saw him up next to Aizen and he smiled back before turning his attention to Aizen who looked annoyed for some reason when Gin smiled.
"Hello everyone," Aizen said once the doors closed behind her and Ulquiorra. Everyone mumbled back a reply and he let it slide. "Gin and I have a bet going and we need you to settle it unfortunately. I said that none of you could fit in the human world if I let you go in gigai's, Gin thinks that you can. Are any of you interested in going?"
"Hell yes, let me out of here," Grimmjow called from one of the higher rafters. Aizen rolled his eyes and looked at everyone else. Most of them said no, though all the espadas wanted to go, even Ulquiorra which surprised Orihime since he detested all humans.
"Alright then, everyone that wants to go report to Syzael's lab and leave immediately," Aizen said. Everyone left immediately and Aizen waved Orihime forward when she was left standing in the throne room unaware of where she should be going.
"I have a mission for you Orihime-chan. I want you to go with Ulquiorra and make sure he doesn't kill anyone while he's there. I have knowledge of where everyone else would go if they left here, him however I'm not sure," Aizen said leaning back in his throne with a straight face, Gin's grin grew wider then before.
"Alright, but how am I supposed to stop him?" she asked.
"Use your powers, something, anything to make sure he doesn't tear out anyone's throat. His powers will be limited in the gigai and you may be able to stop him physically," Aizen said and Gin had to stop himself from laughing out loud. Aizen was evil.
"Okay, am I going in one?" she asked.
"No, just wear this bracelet so no one from Soul Society knows that you've left Hueco Mundo," he said passing her a gold bracelet this time. Gin brought out a bag from behind Aizen's throne and passed it to her.
"And wear this Orihime-chan, can't have you walking around in the uniform," Gin said. She looked in just saw pink so she took it and headed back toward her room. Gin and Aizen watched her go and finally smiled.
"This is gonna be good," Aizen said.
"Almost as good as getting Hinamori under that mistletoe with Toshiro," Gin said.
"Better this time," Aizen said standing up and heading towards his room. "Lets go watch what their up too, shall we."
"Sure, just let me go get the pop corn and ice cream. It's probably going to take a while," Gin said disappearing to the kitchens.
Orihime changed into the tight pink dress and looked at herself in the mirror. The sleeves were short and ruffled and there were ruffles along the bottom near her knees that flared our around her. Gin also got her some strappy pink flats which she slipped on before she left and headed to Syzael's lab.
Everyone inside looked slightly differen't, except Stark he looked exactly the same minus the bone around his neck. Syzael had grudgingly changed his hair color to blonde, turned Grimmjow's an appealing white (looked like a grunged up Toshiro to her). Nnoitora was shorter and his tongue didn't have a tattoo on it though his fell out when she walked in. Yammi was shorter two but looked like an over muscled club bouncer with black hair. Zommari was pretty much the same but seemed different without the weird eyes. Halibel had lighter skin and blue eyes and a very revealing top and skirt on though it didn't seem to make her sexier since her aura definitely said stay the hell away from me. Barragan had lost his crown and now had to use a walker to move around to his chagrin. Ulquiorra looked exactly the same to her though he lost the horn and his skin was slightly tanner.
"Ready to go," came Aizen's voice though no one saw him.
"Yes sir," Syzael said grabbing the jacket he was wearing out that night. Orihime stood next to Ulquiorra and slid on the bracelet Aizen had ordered her to wear before the garganta opened and everyone stepped through. In Aizen's room he and Gin were smiling happily.
"Let the games begin," Aizen said before throwing popcorn into the air and catching it.
Orihime walked out after everyone else and looked around. They were in Karakura from what she saw or somewhere that looked a lot like it. Ulquiorra watched her closely knowing it would be his head if she tried to escape. She smiled though and twirled around looking up at the familiar night sky with a full moon and stars looking back at her.
"So what do you want to do?" she asked, aware that everyone else had left already leaving them alone.
"I have no interest in doing pointless activities that don't have a goal," he said simply.
"Want to see who can eat the most ice cream? I bet I could beat you," she said smiling.
"We've had that competition in Las Noches before woman, I ate more," he said plainly like he didn't care.
"But it was all vanilla; Aizen never buys chocolate chip cookie dough. Please let me get some, and then we can find an activity that has a goal," she said sounding like him to tease him.
He just turned and started walking off toward the lights outside of the deserted section of forest they had exited. She pulled him in another direction when he started heading in the wrong direction and he followed her grudgingly. She went into her favorite ice cream shop and ordered a double scoop of her favorite ice cream and got mint for Ulquiorra. He paid and they sat down, she dug in happily and he eyed his suspiciously. Finally she took his spoon, filled it with mint, and stuck it in his mouth. He glared at her and ate the ice cream, breaking down the ingredients and mentally filing it away in his I have no opinion file. He finished it when it was apparent that she was going to force feed him if he didn't do as she wished.
Once they finished she dragged him out to the sidewalk and smiled at him.
"So what do you want to do now?" she asked practically jumping from the sugar rush.
"What activity in your world helps elevate someone to a higher social status with little effort?" he asked. She looked at the pavement in thought trying to think of something they could do without him running for an office. She grabbed his hand and started pulling him down the street. He followed her soundlessly and looking at everything to make sure he recorded it and stored the information away for later. He might be able to find out what made her so cheerful all the time if he looked around. All of the people he observed though weren't half as happy as she could be in one minute until they approached a bright section of neon lights and over colorful people that looked even more cheerful then her. He wanted to shudder at all of the happy smiles aimed at them, sometimes more pointed at Orihime and from guys just standing around. For some reason he moved closer to her and glared at anyone that glanced at her.
Orihime stopped outside of a soundproof building and pulled him through the glass doors and down a corridor till his nose and other senses were assaulted with the stench of burnt hot dogs and smelly feet. The lighting was provided by one large disco ball over the skating rink were all ages were winding their way around on skates. She pulled him over to the counter and asked for size five skates.
"What size do you wear Ulquiorra?" she asked cheerfully.
"Seven," he answered examining all of the sugar coated children skating past them to their parents. She got his skates and then pulled him over to a bench to put them on. She was stringing hers on when he watched her closely wondering how this was supposed to improve status.
"Woman, why are we here?" he asked.
"If you can skate that makes you have better balance then others," she said skirting the truth before she got up and skated away. He watched her red mane fly out behind her and went to change his shoes to skates and stood up slowly. He fell flat on his face and looked up when Orihime skated back into view.
"Are you okay?" she asked worriedly. He said nothing as he stood up and dusted himself off, when he started wobbling she grabbed his arm and held him steady. "How about I skate with you until you get the hang of it, 'kay?"
Wrapping her arm around his she showed him how to move without falling and to not panic if he felt like he was going to fall.
"I don't panic woman, it's humiliating to feel that emotion," he said simply moving in time with her and finding the process simple after she showed him. When she moved to let go of his arm he held onto it tighter and shot her a blank look of stay put. She smiled and skated next to and listened to the upbeat pop music coming from the dj's booth. When the lights dimmed and a slow song came on she started pulling him off the floor.
"Why are we stopping?" he asked seeing others leaving except couples.
"That's a couples song, only couples allowed," she said simply. He pulled her toward him and back toward the floor. She was blushing slightly but stayed next to him as the song played out.
"Why is it called a couples song?" he asked.
"Well, it's a love song and skating rinks play them for couples who want to skate to them," she said.
"Have you ever skated to one before?" he asked.
"No, no one's ever asked me too before," she said smiling a little sadly. The urge to gut Ichigo flared for a second before he pushed it off as an irrational thought.
"Are their any other activities that are enjoyable to you woman?" he asked and at her surprised expression he almost rolled his eyes. "I know this has nothing to do with status like I asked earlier."
"What do you think of bowling?" she asked smiling.
"What's that?" he asked.
"You take a bowling ball and roll it down an alley and try to knock down all of the pins with one hit," she explained mimicking throwing the ball with her free hand. "And if you get a perfect score you might win something!"
"Let's go, I want to take these contraptions off of my feet immediately," he said not liking the feel of moist socks. She put her shoes back on quickly and he nearly kicked his through a wall before they left. When they reentered the brightly lit part of town he was suspicious of a few people wearing wigs.
"Who are those people?" he asked. She giggled and pulled him away when he started pointing at drag queens. She explained to him as she pulled him toward the bowling alley that some people didn't dress exactly like their sex was dictated too. He looked around again and then back at her.
"I don't see any women dressed as men," he said.
"Well I don't know where drag kings go," she said thoughtfully. "Maybe they hang out at bars somewhere else."
"I wonder what you would look like as drag queen Ulquiorra, that would be so cool to see. I could help you with your makeup and you might look like Tatski when I was done," she said thoughtfully looking at him until he glared. "Never mind."
"I don't wonder what you would look like as a man," he said.
"I would probably look like Kurosaki-kun since they almost have the same color hair, though I would be a lot shorter and probably not as muscled up as him. Yeah I would look like a Mizuro version of Kurosaki-kun," she rambled as she pulled him down the street.
When the smell of smelly shoes hit his nose again he thought that they must have wound up at the skating rink again but he saw a totally different building and she pulled him in to the sound of pins flying and more candy addicted children. He noticed more teenagers but no one Orihime recognized at least. He did recognize the disgruntled white head and the frowning man next to him at an alley away from them.
"What are Grimmjow and Nnoitora doing here?" he asked himself. When two overly skanky girls showed up he wanted to sigh, they got dates in less then an hour. Orihime saw them and reconsidered this bowling alley when Grimmjow looked up and spotted them. He ran over and practically dragged Orihime away from Ulquiorra who was about to hit Grimmjow for that.
"Please help us get these bitches away from us, they said one thing and did another and now they won't go away," he said to Orihime when he was halfway to the alley. She looked around at the two girls behind him, one was glaring at her and the other was making baby faces at Nnoitora while straddling his lap even though he looked disgusted.
"Um, no," she said grabbing Ulquiorra's arm and pulling him away. Grimmjow ran to block them at the door.
"I'll do anything, I can't just rip the bitches throat out like I fucking wanna," he said. Orihime put her hands on her hips and looked at him coldly, enough to impress Ulquiorra.
"If I help you, you have to stop cursing forever. Is it a deal?" she asked looking at him seriously. He glanced back at the girls and then at Orihime, then back again. He cursed about nine times in a row and got disgruntled looks from parents herding their kids away from him, Orihime, and Ulquiorra. Orihime sighed and turned to walk away, Grimmjow would give up his arm again before he stopped saying the majority of his vocabulary. She went back to the register and got a bowling alley far away from Grimmjow and Nnoitora.
"Alright Ulquiorra, you pick up the ball, insert your fingers, then roll the ball down the lane and try to knock out all the pins," Orihime said as she entered their names into the computer recording their progress. She went first and knocked out all but three of the pins. Ulquiorra picked up the green bowling ball disgustingly (she picked it) and rolled it down the lane, when he got a gutter ball he glared at the pins so heatedly she would have thought they would burst into flames.
"That's okay Ulquiorra, almost no one gets it the first time," Orihime said as she passed him to take her turn, she got a strike and jumped up and down happily only to find Ulquiorra was now frowning at her with his arms crossed. "Sorry," she muttered taking her seat again.
Ulquiorra picked up his bowling ball and then glanced at the other players to study their movements and which ones worked better then most. He rolled again and got a strike, wanting to cover his ears when Orihime shouted with joy about his first strike. After that Orihime rolled an average game and Ulquiorra almost got a perfect one.
"That was so much fun! Do you want to do anything else?" Orihime asked nearly twitching to get out of the bowling alley and do something else.
"What else is there for you to do woman?" he asked restraining himself from rolling his eyes when she started checking down her list.
"What about laser tag?" she asked, "Or karaoke?"
"What are both of those things woman?" he asked.
"Laser tag is where you dress up and shoot other people with lasers to see who's the best survivor. Karaoke is singing a song you like into a microphone," she said bouncing down.
"Does this laser tag involve cero's?" he asked.
"No! No one dies in this game," she said hurriedly.
"Then I have no interest in this activity if I can't kill the smaller humans running around and persisting in yelling and eating candy they only reguriate later on public surfaces," he said calmly putting his hands away to resist slamming the next child he saw ask for cotton candy and then gag.
"Okay, the karaoke bar I want to go to has small rooms you can go to and sing. Its not crowded like here," she said smiling brightly. She was perfectly happy in crowded or secluded, as long as they were still in her favorite dimension.
"Let's leave quickly before another human party enters to celebrate another seven year olds birthday," he said trying to ignore the irritating music playing behind them at another lane.
When they passed Grimmjow and Nnoitora on the way out Grimmjow was clutching his head with a look of utter horror on his face and Nnoitora had managed to shut his date up by kissing her senseless and still managed to grope Grimmjows date who just kept talking.
Once they were back on the street Orihime pulled him confidently past all of the people roaming the streets and toward their destination. Ulquiorra looked at her back as she pulled him through and tried to figure out her behavior, in Las Noches at first she stayed in her room scared stiff of everyone until Gin pulled her out and introduced her to some of the arrancar. She had loosened up and started talking to people, not flinching at some of the more twisted ideas she heard. Now in her own world she was so comfortable that she was pulling him where they were going with no fear at all in her aura. Her personality didn't let her stay scared for long, she adjusted quickly and didn't let fear rule her. She was fascinating.
The next thing to fascinate him as they were walking she passed the before mentioned laser tag building. Before they were past it the door banged open and Syzael was thrown out on his behind. He got up and started shouting indignantly about mistreatment of customers. The doors closed and he turned and caught them staring, Orihime with a huge smile and Ulquiorra with an almost questioning look.
"What happened Syzael-kun?" Orihime asked. He pushed up his glasses and huffed angrily.
"I went into this establishment to satisfy my curiosity as to why so many humans play it and found to my dissatisfaction that it's rigged. I lost three times in a row before I took action, I hacked the system easily and changed the settings so that they only active weapon was mine and my sensors were off so there was no chance of being disqualified from the game. Management found out and as you saw proceeded to throw me out," he explained. Orihimes' expression changed to disapproval and Ulquiorra looking uninterested in the subject.
"Syzael-kun, that's cheating. They don't rig the game, you have to win through honest sneaking and planning," she said shaking her head slowly.
"I tried three times! I only gave myself an advantage over the other players to make it fair," he said crossing his arms before turning and walking away calmly. Orihime sighed and once again pulled on Ulquiorra's hand, which she had never let go of in the process of talking to Syzael. Before they got to far again they ran into Yammi outside of a drag queen bar. He was leaning against the wall talking to an obvious example but seemed completely ignorant of it this time. Ulquiorra pulled Orihime over to him and caught the larger mans attention.
"What's up Ulquiorra? This is my friend Sakura," Yammi said smiling cockily.
"Hi!" said Sakura giving them a little wave. Orihime waved back and smiled but Ulquiorra gestured for Yammi to bend down.
"You know that a man, correct?" Ulquiorra asked .Yammi shot up and looked at Sakura again.
"You're a guy!" he shouted. Sakura looked at him disbelievingly before using her real deep and totally unmistakable male voice.
"Of course, how stupid do you have to be to not notice?" Sakura asked before turning away and walking into the bar. Yammi stood there stunned as Ulquiorra pulled Orihime away from the depressed Espada.
"You shouldn't have said anything," she protested as they walked away.
"His intentions were obvious, he would have killed that man later when he found out," Ulquiorra said sensibly.
Orihime sighed and let him pull until they came to a corner where they would have to turn. He let her lead to the karaoke bar halfway down the block and open the door to go in. The beat was reverberating off the walls but no sound was obvious and disturbed Ulquiorra for some reason. After all the loud noises and crowds he was uncertain if he didn't want to remain in crowded spaces. Orihime talked to the overly cheerful blonde woman at the front desk and then pulled him down a hall to a small but cozy room that echoed ominously after she shut the door.
He took a seat as she went through the song menu and bit her lip trying to decide what to sing. He pulled a similar one towards him and flipped through it in an only slightly curious manner. She squealed when she picked her first song and punched in the number for her song. Ulquiorra almost felt his eye twitching as he listened to her sing 'Tell me what you want' by the Spice Girls. It was overly cheerful and upbeat, though he had to admit she didn't sing badly, it was pleasant in a sweet loving way. When she was done he glanced at the list before taking the microphone she offered and punched in the number neatly. He had picked 'Bad day' expecting it to reflect his recent mood but it ended up being an intolerable song he stopped singing immediately. Orihime looked disappointed that he quit singing one of her favorite songs, it always cheered her up when she was sad.
"Pick your next song, nothing cheerful," he said and she pouted.
"But I wanted to do something sweet," she said softly.
"Pick something that doesn't include the words love or happy in it woman or I'll destroy this room, even in this weak human gigai," he said taking his seat again. She stood up and looked at the menu again and sighed before she pushed in the numbers of her next song. He was angry when the up tempo music started playing but the video for 'Smile' got his attention. Some human woman wanted revenge on her ex so she tortured him through pranks, sounded like something petty but the words love and happy weren't in it so he was fine with it.
"Where did you encounter this song?" he asked.
"My friend Tatski loves the artist singing and she's got all of her music. I also like her music though most of revolves around sex," Orihime said in a break. Ulquiorra was enjoying watching her move slightly to the music and wondered if she would dance if she sang a song she really liked.
"Woman, I have no interest in this activity, but you can continue as long as you like," he said feigning boredom as she squealed and started punching in numbers like crazy. She sang everything that caught her interest. It wasn't until she started singing 'Baby boy' that she started shaking her hips slowly to the beat and singing the lyrics in a entirely inticing voice. When her hand slid down the side of her body slowly he had to look away to shake his head firmly and stop thinking of things that Nnoitora and Grimmjow talked about constantly.
Ulquiorra was almost disappointed that she didn't pick another song that made her dance, this one, 'Paralyzer' seemed to make her want to jump around and shake her head violently. Which in fact didn't disappoint Ulquiorra too much till he realized he was staring at her large assets. If he knew that Aizen and Gin were watching as well and amused and aroused by Orihime's performance he would have made her leave immediately.
Orihime sat down tiredly after the song finished and smiled widely.
"I've had so much fun tonight, can we do one more thing before we have to go back?" she asked nearly glowing.
"Whatever you wish woman, I have no alternate plans," he said sounding uninterested. She quickly pulled him out of the karaoke booth and back down the hall. She stopped however outside another karaoke booth and looked inside the open door. Halibel was inside singing about how bootylicious she was and Orihime clapped when she was done. Halibel looked displeased that Ulquiorra had seen her in that position but she was happy that Orihime liked her performance.
"Let's go woman. Remember the other activity you wanted to do," he said reasonably when she showed signs of doing a duet with Halibel (alone she was alluring, with Halibel was disturbing). Orihime pouted for one second before smiling again and pulling him outside of the building. The traffic had slowed down since no one was not already where they wanted to be.
Orihime held his hand gently and pulled him into a more inhabited part of the city. Living room windows were lit up from the inside and he could make out happy laughter and lowered fighting in some cases as she pulled him toward a park. She let go at the entrance and skipped over to the huge wheel that she started turning rapidly. Once it was going fast enough she jumped up and held her hands in the air as she went in circles. Ulquiorra stood to the side watching her repeatedly get off and back on to move the thing. Finally he walked over and started turning it for her. She smiled happily and sat in the middle and looked up at the stars and the crescent moon. She eventually laid back and kept her eyes pinned on the moon to stop herself from feeling as if space was suffocating her. Ulquiorra let the wheel drift to a stop and she laid there looking up at the moon silently smiling.
"Thanks Ulquiorra," she said softly.
"Foolishness, you obviously couldn't operate it and participate at the same time," he said sitting on the edge with his hands inside his irritatingly smaller pockets, he could hide his hand movements in his larger hakama, not these things.
"But I didn't ask for help," she said smiling. "You did it cause you wanted too, not cause I asked."
"A anomaly that won't occur again woman," he said looking pointedly in front of him as Orihime sat up and scooted closer to him. He felt her smaller warm body next to his admittedly colder one.
"I still want to thank you," she said looking at him from under her eyelashes. Without hesitation he put a finger under her chin and made her look up before he kissed her soundly. She hummed in approval and wrapped her arms around his neck to weave her fingers into his hair and pull him closer.
They had been making out for nearly three weeks but he still had to initiate it to get her to do anything. The first time had been when he found her sleeping in her room at lunch time tossing and turning because of a nightmare, he had woken her up and finding her within kissing distance he did, what surprised him was her kissing him back. Every time he felt like moving it further he hesitated and stopped himself. Watching her tonight however made him realize that he didn't want to stop himself when it was so easy for her to fall in love with him, why couldn't he fall for her?
"Orihime," he mumbled against her lips and he could feel her smile against his lips. He wove his fingers into her hair lightly though his grip couldn't be as tight as when he was in arrancar form. She moved even closer and one of his hands settled onto her hip to hold her tightly against him.
"Oh Ulquiorra," she said breaking off and smiling happily at him. "What do you want to do now?"
"Hm," he said eyeing her dress. "Destroy your dress."
"Why?" she asked confused.
"It's in the way," he said simply and watched her blush furiously.
"Of what?" she asked hesitantly.
"The activity I want to participate in next," he said swiftly picking her up (for such a big chest the rest of her was light). A garganta opened immediately and she didn't fight that much when he carried her to his room. The door slamming shut behind him rang through Las Noches and it was reluctantly that Aizen shut off the monitors containing images of Ulquiorra's room and gigai.
"Why'd ya do that? It was getting to the good part," Gin complained scrapping at the bottom of the vanilla ice cream carton he had been eating non stop for the last fifteen minutes.
"Giving them privacy is important. Would you like it if I watched when you and Rangiku get together," Aizen asked.
"I don't care, you might pick something up," Gin said smiling wider when Aizen rolled his eyes and finished his popcorn.
The next door everyone assembled in the throne room to report on their activities. Yammi had ended up in a drinking contest and won after sixty shots of tequila, Grimmjow had left his date with Nnoitora who was all too happy to entertain them both, Halibel kept singing karaoke for the entire night, almost refusing to leave when they said it was closing time, Syzael found another laser tag game and easily outstratigized everyone after evaluating their abilities, Stark wouldn't elaborate on where he had been but he did make more of his brownies that morning, Barrigan had eaten pudding all night and forced his fraccion to clean him up when he got back, Zommari had found an all night yoga club and stayed there. When Aizen turned to Orihime and Ulquiorra they looked completely at ease and comfortable, Ulquiorra was even holding her hand lightly.
"And what did you two get up too?" he asked smiling like the cat that ate the canary.
"Oh, all kinds of things," Orihime said trying not to blush.
"We participated in human activities all night," Ulquiorra said nonchalantly.
"Anything specific?" Aizen asked.
"Skating, bowling, karaoke, and other things," Ulquiorra elaborated knowing for sure that Orihime was giving them away by blushing.
"I guess you enjoyed the other things more then the others," Aizen said.
"Immensely, and once this meeting is over we plan on doing more of them and other variations I'm interested in exploring," Ulquiorra said seeing Grimmjow's jaw drop and Nnoitora catching on slightly. Aizen dismissed them and Ulquiorra could hear Grimmjow complain how it was no fucking fairness in the world as he walked away with Orihime.
The end.
AN: Whoa this took a long time to write, but I love it. Who else did? Please review if you've gotten this far.