Hello My name is Harry Potter and if you're reading this… I'm sorry for what remains of your sanity, as whatever small insignificant portion of it still exists will be utterly removed as you continue to read this story.

What you are about to read involves horrifying, impossible, and frankly ridiculous situations that make up my life.

You have been warned.

Now I could start this story in my first year, when I killed my defense teacher by flicking the fly on his face during, what must have been a glorious monologue( as I wasn't actually listening.) Or perhaps in my second year when I witnessed Gilderoy Lockhart say something intelligent, only to go and kill thousand year old basilisk by throwing a musty old hat(who was cursing my very existence at the time) at it.

I could even start just a few months ago when I managed to make my extended family act like completely functional human beings.

But I have to say things really kicked up a notch just a few weeks ago…

You see I was at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. it was right after a particularly vicious potions class, with the ever so wonderful professor snape that I woke up in the middle of the night by the sound of feet clacking against the stone floors.

My first thought was that, Seamus(one of my roommates) was trying to sneak out of the dorm again. You see he had this obsession with making tea into rum, and while I could count the times he'd actually succeeded on one hand. It wasn't all that odd to find him asleep in the common room with several scorch marks scattered about, and a cup of tea beside him.

We'd learned long ago to never ask were the scorch marks came from.

Fun fact we(Ron, Neville, Dean, and I) took turns drinking whatever was in the cup whenever we found him.

Another Fun Fact is that as far as Seamus knows he's never succeeded in turning tea into rum.

But that's off topic.

Sitting up in bed I made to scold Seamus for waking me up. After all he should be far more stealthy than that after having lived in the same dorm with me for the past three years. Only to choke back my wave of insults.

Cause the source of the sound was a blurry figure looming over Ron's sleeping form. While this in itself wasn't all that odd, we lived in a castle with the Weasley twins after all. No what sent a shudder down my spine was that his figure was far too tall to be either of the twin terrors.

Silently slinking out an arm, out to grab my glasses I slipped them over my eyes clumsily, only to fight down a gasp as I saw the mass Murderer Sirius black looming over my best friend.

I was distraught, Panic making a ruckus in my ribcage. In my frantic state I made a somewhat… questionable decision.

I said the first thing that appeared in my head.

"RON! Sirius black is going to steal your Pancakes, and Bacon!"

I would admit in later life that I probably shouldn't have said that. I mean threatening the pancakes was bad enough! But no I had to say bacon too, pfft Overkill.

The next thing to happen will be forever etched with in my brain. Ron weasley the sluggish, and slothful redhead who had never managed to run faster than about a mile power hour at full sprint moved so fast that my eyes couldn't even register it.

Suddenly the sleeping red head, was on his feet the dangerous mass murder hanging in the air, as Ron held him by the throat. Then he opened his mouth.

"You Sirius Black have offended the gods!" Rons voice echoed within the dorm, thousands of voices overlapping his own. "Suffer your punishment!" what happened next was so strange, and utterly ridiculous that I can not even describe it.

My mind warped and traumatized by the act, I slowly laid down and closed my eyes.

Maybe the world would make more sense when I woke up.

Unaware of the author scoffed at the thought

'Fat chance that's happen.'