AN: Yep, firebird01 here! Did ya'll miss me? I missed ya'll! I realize that this is pretty angsty considering what I normally write but...I guess I'm just feeling angsty right now. Anyway, you guys know the drill! I don't own X-Men (tear), I just steal the characters from time to time and make them do...unpleasant things. But I always return them in one piece (physically, at least) so it's all good! On with the story!
I remember when you left.
No explanations, no excuses, you were just…gone. Somehow, the thought of you not saying goodbye hurt me worse than you leaving in the first place. It made no sense to me, how the means hurt worse than the ends.
But nothing ever made sense to me when it came to you.
I remember roaming the halls of that damned school, dead in my heart. It felt like there was a void in my soul, the one that only you could fill. I remember everyone just smiling and nodding in my direction, as if my life hadn't just been ripped to shreds. I remember Ororo, sweet Ororo, trying to comfort me when you left. I remember assuring her, after a while of course, that I would be okay. She still checked on me every now and then. I think that she may have developed some kind of crush on me.
I didn't have the heart to tell her that it really wasn't the best time.
I remember visiting the infirmary more in the three months since you left than I have since I first arrived at the mansion. I've just gotten so used to you watching my back, it's hard to train without you keeping me safe. Beast telling me that I needed to be more careful, he just doesn't get it. He doesn't know what it's like to trust someone wholly, completely, without a second thought.
Hmmm, guess I don't know what it's like either. At least, not anymore.
I remember Logan forcing me to eat, telling me that I need to keep my strength up. I remember the worried looks from Scott. I don't hold it against them, they just want to help. I remember telling myself that I couldn't let my personal feelings affect the safety of the team. After all, I was still the Rogue, even though Marie was long gone.
The day that you left me, she left me too.
I remember burying myself in my work, forcing my mind to focus on something other than you. My students love my Creative Writing class, it gives them all an outlet. It lets their imagination soar beyond a world that hates and fears them. I remember when Charles approved my idea for the class, agreeing that the kids needed something fun to do besides sports. I remember when I told you that I was going to teach the new class, you were so happy for me. You told me that we should "celebrate", and just the thought made me shiver in anticipation of your touch. I remember that night, so passionate, so intimate…
And I cursed myself, because work didn't keep my mind from thoughts of you.
I remember working out a routine, eventually just going through the motions, until thinking was no longer necessary. I should've known the dangers of this, because soon you were all that I thought about. Soon, I began to dream of nothing but you. All that I wanted was to hold you, one last time. Just hold you and never let you go, never let you leave me again. I remember the thought of suicide crossing my mind more than once, and dismissing it straight away. The most amazing thing, I did it for you.
I didn't want you to find out, and think me a coward.
I remember walking into my room one night, and getting the shock of my life. I didn't want to believe it, didn't want to accept it. It just seemed too impossible, I knew that it couldn't possibly be true. So I just stood there, mouth agape, staring shamelessly at the sight before me.
You were there, sitting on my bed.
I remember not being able to find my voice, until the initial shock finally wore off. Then it finally returned, and with a vengeance. I remember screaming at you, demanding to know why you left. Demanding to know why you left without a single word. You begged me to calm down, you tried to approach me, but I wouldn't let you anywhere near me.
I knew that if you touched me, my resolve would crumble.
I remember the shouting match that ensued. Or rather, me shouting and you pleading. You told me that I was scaring you, and I didn't care. I was glad actually, glad that you were scared. I wanted you to know how scared I was when you were gone and I didn't know what had happened to you. I remember telling you about all of those sleepless nights, and then dreams of nothing but you. Those nights when I would pray for death, just to make the hurt in my heart stop.
That look on your face when you heard that news told me that I'd struck home.
I remember you whispering that you needed to find out something, that you left because you knew that you needed to. You didn't tell me because you knew I'd want to stop you, like I didn't know anything about putting demons to rest. I remember telling you that a few letters wouldn't have killed you. You were silent then, but you eventually agreed with me. You admitted that you made a mistake, and that it would never happen again. You assured me that you were here to stay now, and I scoffed at your words.
I told you that I would never make the mistake of trusting you again.
I remember the tears that you cried when I said that. You fell to your knees and began to sob with reckless abandon. I'd never seen you cry that hard since I met you, and the sight caught me off guard. I remember just standing there, not wanting to move, not really knowing what to do. If I touched you, then all of my resistance would be destroyed.
At the same time, I never could stand to see you cry.
I remember finally placing a hand on your shoulder, and knowing just how badly our relationship had been ruined. After all of the time we spent together, the intimate moments we'd shared, the love that we whispered in the darkness, all that I could do was put a hand on your shoulder. I remember you clinging tightly to my arm, sobbing into my forearm. I felt my heart clench, because I now knew what we had become.
Awkward, and that is the worst thing that lovers could possibly be.
I remember finally forcing myself to hug you, trying to give you some sort of comfort. You clung to me as if I were the only thing keeping you alive. I began to hug you back, knowing that I was signing my own death warrant. I remember telling you that I still didn't trust you, but giving you hope by saying that maybe one day I could. You looked at me with hope in your tear-filled eyes.
I began to wonder if I'd just opened myself to heartache once again.
I'm laying in bed now, three months after you came back, just staring at the ceiling. I'm on my back and your head is resting on my chest, arm wrapped around my waist. We finally began to sleep in the same bed, but I still don't trust you. You know it, and you've been trying so hard to fill the rift between us. You always hug me when we sleep, but my hands stay behind my head, fingers laced together.
Maybe I'll hug you back in a few days.
As I shift, you murmur my name and snuggle closer. You always talked in your sleep. I suppose that it's a blessing of sorts, that it's only been my name that you've whispered. It means that you didn't replace me, like I didn't replace you. We haven't had sex since you came back. No, that won't happen for a while, and we both know it.
We were always good at that "unspoken communication" thing.
My mind is working overtime, a habit that it has developed recently. I'm asking myself why I'm accepting you back so quickly. I should still be hating you, but I just can't do that. I never could hate you, and today there is no exception. Never could I feel anything but love for you. I just don't understand, it doesn't make any sense.
Then again, nothing ever made sense to me when it came to you.