The Love of My Life, a twilight fanfic

Bella, Bella, Bella. What is there to say of you? You were perfect. Fuck, I think I fell for you the moment I saw you, after you moved back to Forks. You were beautiful. You were amazing. You were flawless. You were Isabella Marie Swan. Daughter of Renee Dwyer and Charlie Swan. Only child. Step-daughter to Phil Dwyer. Chestnut-colored, wavy, long hair. Middle part. Doe-like eyes the color of melting chocolate. Five foot, five inches. Looks beautiful in blue. Dresses for comfort. The girl of my dreams.

Embry and Quil teased me to no end about you. Billy gave me a knowing smile. You haunted my dreams. I could barely breathe when you were around. I was absolutely ticked when I found out you were going out with Edward Cullen; enough girls at the reservation were smitten with him. They said he was like a Greek god or something. Meaning, I stood no chance. But, I was even more upset when Billy bribed me into telling you to stay away from the Cullens. I was furious. It was bad enough I had to live with the fact that I would never have a chance with you. But now my own father was bent on trying to put your relationship to shit? Couldn't he just let me silently admit defeat? I wanted you to be happy. Even if it killed me. You just had to be happy. If you were happy, I would be happy for you. I wouldn't necessarily be happy myself, but I'd move on.

Then he left you. I was livid, to say the least. Hell, I even started shaking with anger. But it helped that you went to me for help. We had such an amazing time. I suppose I should regret it. Why shouldn't I? The time we spent together made my heart belong more and more to you, and before I knew it, not one part of me thought of anything else but you. I knew how you hated me mentioning the Cullens, so I didn't. I knew you didn't listen to music anymore, and you were really excited about the motorcycles. You didn't give a shit about college, and you felt bad about 'corrupting' me. If anything, you gave my life meaning. You gave my heart a permanent -- or so I thought -- home. She was the light at the end of my tunnel; I fully intended on reaching that light, even if it killed me.

But then, I changed. I was annoyed, yes. But I was absolutely livid when Sam said I couldn't tell you. I worked so hard to get through to you, then I was forced to ignore you. I was pissed. I loved you, I really did. I thought Sam was an absolute shit head. He didn't understand. But, at the same time, looking back, I wish I'd listened to him… When you finally figured it out, I was so happy. Sam was fucking pissed, but I didn't care. I had my Bella back. Too bad you didn't stay mine for long.

When Alice Cullen came back, I was annoyed. I was scared you would break down again. I was scared she would bring him. I was scared I would lose you. I was scared you wouldn't need me anymore. So, when you left to save Edward's life. I asked you to stay. But you told me you had to go. "Jake, I have to go." You said. You made my heart shatter. I couldn't breathe. Then they all came back, with you. By then, I was- I was dead inside. It hurt, so bad. When I found out you took him back… I went wolf. I was bent on never being human again. Being wolf kind of helped me forget, y'know? If I just let instinct take over…. But no. Sam wouldn't have it. He guilted me into coming back, saying Billy was a wreck without me. So, I came back. It hurt, it really did. Then that war with the redhead leech… I felt bad about guilting you into kissing me. But you have no idea how much I actually thought about it. How, every day, I convinced myself, if I can get you to kiss me, I can move on. It didn't work. Fuck, it made it worse. Sam was convinced I would imprint soon enough. I thought it was bullshit. I didn't think I was good enough to magically fall in love with someone, no complications. I didn't deserve the right.

When you sent the invitation to your wedding… That was the last straw. I couldn't handle it anymore. I left. I just, left. I ran so far away, that the connection between me, and Sam, and the whole rest of the pack, was too fuzzy for me to hear. It was quiet. I enjoyed the quiet. I let the wolf take over. I went on instinct for God knows how long. The days blurred with the weeks. I didn't keep track of time. I was, literally, a beast by then. I couldn't help it.

I thought I could handle your wedding. I thought I could. But I wasn't used to the human emotion, and it came back so quickly, that it was damned easy to lose control. I'm so, so sorry for that, Bella. I didn't want to ruin your big day. I was stupid. I couldn't help it. I was blind.

After your and Edward's honeymoon, I thought you were a vampire. I tried to get Sam to tell the pack to attack you, but they wouldn't listen. They all never listened to stupid, inexperienced, Jake. I hate that nickname, y'know. It reminds me of your human days. Of you. Of everything we could have had. It hurts. It really does.

When I found out you were pregnant. I was mortified. You loved that baby. Do you know how sick that was? You had bruises, Bella. All over your stomach. Because of… her. God, the imprint… It's impossible to thing bad things about Nessie, y'know? She's just- my imprint.

It hurt, so much, when you kept begging for me to come back. I was in love, so of course I did. I couldn't not. Edward would've hurt me for hurting your precious little feelings. Now, looking back, I wish I didn't give two fucks about your feelings. You tossed me aside like a used toy. I was only in your life when it was convenient for you. I hated how much I loved you. It was physically impossible for me to stay away, no matter how much it hurt. Jasper and Edward, they know. They know all about everything I've felt and thought when you were pregnant. They still haven't told you, I imagine. Fuck, I don't blame them. I swear, I've thought about killing myself so much that I'm sure good ol' Jazzy-Jazz would have picked up a butcher's knife and try to slice up his arm.

You giving birth was the most nauseating thing I've ever witnessed. Ever. Absolutely, fucking disgusting. I was so afraid of losing you, that on a whim of the moment, I gave Edward permission to turn you. After Nessie was born, I was going to kill her, you know. Or at least try. But then I imprinted. I imprinted on a child who wasn't even five minutes old yet. I felt like a sick little pervert. By then, I absolutely couldn't stay away. I was drawn to Nessie.

When you found out about it, and attacked me, I was happy. I would finally die. I wouldn't have the constant, never-ending pain where you ripped my heart out. I don't think the imprint was strong enough to fix that, Bella. Never. You were the love of my life. How could I ignore that, just because of the imprint I had on your daughter?

Imagine the disappointment I felt when Seth got in the way. Fuck, I was, for the first time, angry at you for attacking. Attempted murder on me, I could understand. But Seth? That crossed the line. But, of course, I said nothing. My anger melted away. And it annoyed me to no end.

The almost-war with the Volturi wasn't that exciting. I wouldn't even fight, I would be getting Nessie out of harms way. Of course. It had to be me. I couldn't do a whole 'suicide by leech' thing. Oh no. I had to protect your fucking parasite of a- my Nessie.

And now. Here I am. Twelve years later. Engaged to Nessie Cullen. But you know what? She loves me that way. I can't love her that way. The love of my existence is already dead. And has been for a tad over a decade. And, my body's a carcass. I hope you enjoy the official funeral, Bella. My real one took place the moment you chose him over me.

Now, you're fake. Your skin is hard as granite. You smell much too sickly sweet. You are like a Barbie doll. You look perfect. You're Isabella Marie Cullen. Daughter of Carlisle and Esme Cullen. Sister to Emmett, Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper. Wife to Edward Cullen. Too perfect. Selfish. The dead remake of the love of my life. I love you, darling Bella. But fuck, I hate what you've become. I can't handle spending the rest of eternity linked with your family, being married to Nessie.

I guess I've become selfish too. I can't even marry my imprint because she has your eyes. Your lips. She looks nearly exactly like you, now. I can't stand it. I hate it. I hate what I've become. I hate I can't justify it, because I should've been smarter. Bella, I'm sorry. You'll probably not care enough to keep this between us. After all, darling Eddie must know everything. So I'd just like to say: Fuck you, Cullens. Stay away from Forks. I swear, if you turn any more kids into werewolves…

Of course. That's an empty threat. I won't be able to do anything. After all, I'll be dead. Tell Nessie I'm sorry I couldn't love her as much as I loved you, okay, Bella? Tell her to forget about me. Tell the dead love of my life that I'm looking forward to seeing her, alright? It'll be nice to see the real thing, not just the carbon copy.

Do you think there's liqour in hell?