Wow. This is probably one of the weirdest fics I've ever written, so beware I guess XD
Oh, and happy late Christmas by the way! I was going to have this up on Christmas Eve but I got terribly sick and could barely get out of bed :p oh well, better late than never!
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter
Silverware clattered and the Great Hall was abuzz with bubbly delight as the conversation of the nearing Holidays was tossed around. Bright lights glittered above, and in perfect holiday cliché, laughter filled the air, particularly at the Gryffindor table.
Harry Potter eyed his fork, carefully positioning it. He looked down the elegant handle, perfect, his red-haired target was in the direct line of fire. Smirking uncharacteristically and with a shake of his head to get his raven locks out of his eyes as to not cause distraction, he artfully released the pulled back end of the fork. The mashed potato pile that had congregated on the end of Harry's fork, which currently served as a catapult, now flew through the air and landed gracefully on Ron Weasley's head.
"SCORE!" Harry stood and gave a victorious fist-pump. The too-enthusiastic gesture caused fright in his classmates. "Oh, right, sorry," the Boy-Who-Lived sat down somewhat bashfully, before surveying the mess he had caused. Ron sat there, a stunned look on his face. Slowly, he lifted his hand, and Harry gripped his fork in fear of retaliation.
"Hmm, potato," he stuck his finger in the offending substance and proceeded to put said grimy finger in his mouth. Ron munched thoughtfully. "Needs salt," he grunted, grabbing the salt shaker before continuing to give a good shake to the pile on his head.
The girl sitting beside him crinkled her nose in obvious distaste. "That's atrocious," Harry snickered as his friend's face reddened. He could practically see the lump of mashed potatoes moving down his friend's throat. Groaning in disgust, Hermione scooted farther from Ron. She picked up her book, handling it with precious care, and swept to her feet.
"Harry, Ron, I've got to go to the-"
"Library," they chorused in unison, not looking up from their meals. Hermione decided to complete her sentence as if she had not been interrupted.
"-to complete my research on for the essay that Professor Flitwick said he would assign in the next month and I'd really like a head start…" she continued to ramble on, and Harry turned what little attention he had granted her back to his meal. However, it was getting quite hard to eat, since the mashed potato pile of Ron's head was slowly started to slide off…
"-and the history of the Cleansing Charm, so I found myself enraptured by-"
"SEAMUS! TAKE COVER!" Harry cried out, as the potatoes fell from Ron's head in the direction of the Irish boy beside him.
"AHH!" Seamus barely had time to yelp as they splattered all over his robes. He moaned in disgust, Harry began trying to dab it off of him, Ron looked disappointed that his food was gone, and Hermione continued to plow on about the history of Cleansing Charms.
"So, I'm bidding you goodnight. See you in the morning! Oh, and Seamus, you've got a bit of potato right there," she pointed to a bit on his shoulder before sweeping off.
Meanwhile, at the Slytherin table…
"So I told her, 'Ew, that's gross, you're gross', and she was like 'Eek!' and I was like 'Ugh! Get away from me!' and she was like-"
"That's fascinating, Pansy, really, but I think I've heard enough for one night," Draco placed his fork down on the table. His best mate, Blaise Zabini, looked about ready to go insane. The dark haired girl had been going on and on about her and her roommates argument over who got to wear what shirt. Even at the beginning Draco was pulling at his hair, willing to do anything to get her to shut up.
"Don't leave me all alone with her, I beg of you," he whimpered as Draco got up. Draco smirked.
"I'm heading out, guys. I've got people to do- I mean see! I have people to see!" Draco quickly corrected himself, face flushing pink. Blaise snickered while Pansy mulled over his words.
"I'm sure you do, Draco. Have fun, score a few points for me!" Draco nodded in mock gratitude before hurrying off, as far and quickly away from Pansy Parkinson as possible
"Make sure you use protection!" Theodore Nott called out behind him when Draco had almost reached the Great Hall doors. Draco whipped around, preparing to give Theo the finger when he crashed into something, rather someone.
"Oof!" a muffled grunt. "Sorry-" came the started apology, but it halted immediately. Draco glanced up at who he had crashed in to and found out why.
All eyes were on the pair as they stood and faced each other. "Get out of my way, ferret,"
"Maybe you should watch where you're going, Mudblood," Draco spat back. Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy glared at each other murderously. It looked like this was going to be quite the showdown. Harry and Ron stood up, preparing to give Hermione aid if needed.
Her big mouth opened to no doubt spout insults, but a scream cut them off. Forks clattered and first years starting crying at the terror it held.
Hermione spun around wildly, and Harry jumped up, wand at the ready if there was a need for a hero. Draco seemed rather unaffected by it, merely raising a golden eyebrow and scanning the room for the source. However, no one found anything out of the ordinary.
"Was that necessary?" Blaise asked the question on everyone's minds.
"In this situation, yes, I believe it was," a smart Ravenclaw said.
"A blood curdling scream usually comes after a murder…" someone said above the Hufflepuffs chattering teeth.
The unknown Ravenclaw continued. "They are bound to murder each other as this conversation continues,"
"So, let's get back to it, eh? I wanna know what she's gonna say…" muttered agreements sounded around the Great Hall.
"This isn't a bloody soap opera!" Draco said in disbelief.
"MISTLETOE!"
Everyone stopped dead. "M-mistletoe?" Hermione stuttered the word like a deadly curse was leaving her lips. Draco also froze, and in unison, everyone's eyes in the Great Hall, staff included, lifted their eyes in horror to see the innocent mistletoe branch blooming above them.
Time seemed to have frozen. "That's not just any kind of mistletoe," Lavender Brown informed the Great Hall. "Its' enchanted mistletoe," Dumbledore's eyes twinkled.
"Right you are, Ms. Brown,"
"So? What difference does it make?" Draco asked rudely.
Dumbledore nodded for Lavender to continue. "It means that you and Hermione can't move until you kiss! And it has to be a suitable one to, not just a peck. I'm talking heavy snogging," she ended the last part with a devilish smirk that was quite alarming on her usually peppy face.
"Oh my gosh, they have to kiss!" Pavarti Patil squealed. Several of her gossiping friends did as well and burst into giggles.
Neville Longbottom passed out.
"Forbidden love!"
Meanwhile Draco and Hermione still stood frozen. Their eyes locked at the same time.
"No way!" Draco cried just as Hermione shrieked, "EW!"
"Hermione's not going to kiss ferret face!" Ron shouted, stepping forward in a way that he hoped was menacing. It wasn't.
"My Drakie isn't going to kiss that bushy haired freak!" Pansy Parkinson stepped up as well. Draco ran a hand through his hair.
"Merlin, Pansy, for the last time, I'm not yours! And don't call me Drakie!"
"Woah, mind blown, Malfoy rejecting Parkinson?" Terry Boot spoke up from the side. The two Slytherins in question sent him glares that made him quake in his boots.
"Has anyone ever considered Pansy and Ron dating? They'd make a great side pairing…"
"Hermione isn't a freak!" Ron roared from the side, preparing to charge Parkinson. In the process of flailing his arms about his sides to look more intimidating, he knocked Harry's glasses straight off his nose.
"Ron! Watch it! You knocked my glasses off of my face!" Harry got on his hands and knees and began searching the ground.
"I don't want to kiss you," Hermione whined, and Draco rolled his eyes.
"Ugh, Granger, I'll be covered in your germs,"
"You think I have cooties!?"
"Just kiss her already!" a voice that sounded suspiciously like Snape's crooned from the side.
"Sha-la-la-la-la-la don't be shy! My oh my, you gotta kiss the girl!"
"Ah, Harry! That's my foot, not your glasses!" Ginny shook her foot in an attempt to get Harry to release it.
"Sorry!"
"I suppose we should get this over with," Draco mumbled, his face coloring. The students and staff leaned forward in anticipation.
Draco added as a side note, "I'll need a hot shower after this,"
"I can help with that, Draco," Astoria Greengrass said in a seductive tone. Draco gagged none too subtly.
"Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don't be scared, you got the mood prepared, go on and kiss the girl,"
"NO!" Hermione shrieked as Draco drew nearer. He stopped questioningly.
"Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don't stop now, don't try to hide it how ,you wanna kiss the girl,"
"SHUT UP!"
An unexpected question made Hermione's heart gallop. "You've never been kissed before, have you?" Draco questioned wearily. Her eyes widened.
"What does it matter?" she spluttered, blushing red as snickers were heard around the room.
"I'm not taking your lip-ginity!"
"Lip-ginity!?" Hermione cried. What was he going on about?
"Lip-ginity?!" The rest of the Great Hall chorused.
"SHH! I wanna hear what happens next!"
Draco colored a little bit more as he tried to explain. "Yeah, like virginity…except for lips,"
"That is so…odd," Hermione concluded. Draco shrugged indifferently.
"Hey, I didn't make up the term,"
Before Hermione could respond, she was interrupted, "AWW! He doesn't want to steal her first kiss!"
"That's so sweet!" another random student cooed, probably a Hufflepuff.
"This is absurd. I'm getting a migraine," McGonagall put her head in her hands and massaged her temples from her seat at the Staff table.
"Um, guys? I'm trying to hold a conversation here," Hermione waved her hand in the air annoyingly.
"Woah! Malfoy and Granger holding a friendly conversation?!"
"I wouldn't go as far as friendly…" Draco muttered darkly from the side.
"Mind blown!"
"You said that already," someone reminded.
"Sha-la-la-la-la-la, float along, listen to the song, the song say kiss the girl"
"SHUT UP!"
"Seriously, guys, just kiss already," Cho Chang spoke up.
This comment resulted in disgusted faces form Hermione and Draco, and screeches from Ron and Pansy. "NEVER!"
"Oh, you two be quiet. You're ruining the mood," Ginny said off handedly.
"There is no mood," Draco sprang to his defense.
Blaise called to the young Malfoy, "Go on, mate, just kiss her already. Really, it's not like you haven't wanted to for years,"
A huge gasp travelled like a tidal wave through the Great Hall.
"I know right? So much sexual tension," Ginny cooed. Ron made a lunge to cover her mouth before she made any other comments regarding Draco and Hermione. The Italian Slytherin perked up at this.
"Yes! I'm not the only one who sees it! You can cut a knife through it!" it was quite shocking seeing the normally quiet and reserved boy so enthusiastic.
"Merlin, I know! Really, the two should just snog already and then I'm sure they'd be all dandy,"
"Ginny, do you know what you're saying?!" Ron was practically suffocating from where he had fallen on the floor. "Hermione and Malfoy, now you and Zabini? What's next?"
"Traitor," Draco moaned, slapping a hand to his face as Blaise smiled sheepishly.
"Hey, Hermione, Draco!" Lavender Brown hooted from the sidelines. The pair in question turned to face her, as did the rest of the Great Hall. "Did I forget to mention? The longer you wait under the mistletoe, the longer you have to snog to get out of it," she said slyly.
The majority of Hufflepuffs, the ones that hadn't already, proceeded to pass out.
"You definitely forgot to mention that," Draco said dryly.
"Oh, this is a wreck!" Hermione moaned in pure misery. "Can everybody, just like, close their eyes? Possibly turn away?" she asked hopefully. Various voices answered for her,
"No way! This is a once in a lifetime event!"
"I'm not missing this!"
"Where are my glasses?!"
"I want to see them suck face!"
"Was that Snape?" Harry questioned in alarm, his face had gone pale.
"Sha-la-la-la-la-la, music play, do what the music say, you wanna kiss the girl!"
"Peer pressure!" Draco accused hotly.
"You're just avoiding the unavoidable! DO IT!"
"NO!" Hermione cried, shrinking back as far as the mistletoe would allow her.
Draco ran his hand through his platinum blonde locks, causing a sigh to ripple through the audience at his phenomenal beauty-
Draco's eyes widened in alarm. "Phenomenal beauty?"
"Did I really just say all that out loud?" Daphne Greengrass exclaimed in horror.
"Hmm, yeah. Now would you please stop narrating this?" Draco more ordered than asked.
"Sure thing," Daphne agreed quickly, flushing redder than anyone thought possible.
Anyways…
Draco ran his hand through his platinum blonde locks. His stormy grey eyes swept over the girl in front of him. Her cheeks were a rosy pink, her hair as unruly as ever, and a shuffle to her feet due to nervousness. "Damn Dumbledore and his sneaky decorations," Draco muttered to himself before he strode forward. Hermione's eyes bulged and the Great Hall drew in a breath of anticipation as they leaned forward in their seats. Draco gently lifted the brunette's chin, meeting her gaze before softly pressing his lips to her own.
It was dead silent in the Great Hall as their lips moved, establishing a rhythm. Most people forgot to breathe. Surprisingly, neither Draco nor Hermione jumped apart, melting in disgust. Instead, Hermione sighed softly, looping her arms around Draco's neck. The blonde's arms came up and wrapped around her slim waist, pulling her closer to him. Angling his head, Draco deepened the kiss, and it steadily became more passionate.
Slowly, the mistletoe began to shrink. By this point Hermione's hand were tangled in Draco's hair, pulling at it softly as he grunted in approval. She was pressed flush against him when he bit her bottom lip, asking for entrance into her mouth. At first Hermione gasped, but she soon obliged eagerly. Their tongues intertwined and began a dance to an unknown beat. Faces flushed but no-where near finished devouring each other, their actions became more hungry and desperate.
And then the mistletoe was gone. But hold on one second…
"Wait, they're still going at it, but they don't have to be...what's going on?!" someone cried in alarm.
"Ahh! My eyes!" Terry Boot threw a hand across his face in an attempt to get the burned image out of the inside of his eyelids.
Ron looked like he was in physical pain. "No! Hermione can't like Malfoy! They aren't snogging! No!"
"This is so adorable. I love Christmas!"
"Guys, what's going on?" Neville, who had just woken up, asked from the floor.
"Anyone have popcorn? I sense this is going to drag out to something far more sexual," someone said suggestively.
"Ew, pervert. But yeah, I have popcorn!"
"Yay! Popcorn for all!"
"Guys? Seriously, popcorn? Everyone knows that goldfish are so much better,"
"The world is ending!"
"NO! DRACO CAN'T BE SNOGGING THAT FILTHY KNOW IT ALL BUSHY BRAIN!"
"I think its bushy hair…er, never mind,"
"Look at 'em go!"
"Do you think someone should pull them apart? Snape seems to be enjoying this far too much, it's concerning me…"
"Good point. Oi, snog birds, break it up!"
In response, Draco moaned as Hermione's hands slid down his sides and her thumbs grazed his pant line.
"See what I did there? The love birds, you know, I cleverly replaced it with snog? Anyone? Nope? Alright,"
"Wrong timing, mate," someone informed gently.
"Ron, what's going on? It appears to me that Hermione is snogging Malfoy, which is absurd on many levels,"
"Don't worry mate, she's not really snogging him," Ron comforted his friend in a dream-like state, his mind obviously gone elsewhere far away as he surveyed the scene of Hermione and Draco groping at each other.
"Oh good…now where are my glasses…"
"DRAKIEeeee!"
"They're both in denial,"
"Best to leave them be. Soften the blow," Lavender decided, and everyone nodded in agreement, somberly looking at Ron and Pansy as their worlds were torn apart.
"They can't be snogging!"
"CUZ DA NILE AIN'T ONLY A RIVER IN EGYPT!"
…..
"That would have been funny about twenty seconds ago,"
"Yeah, it lost its touch. Wrong timing, mate,"
"Again? I thought I really had it this time…"
Suddenly, a single grape sailed through the air and hit Harry square between the eyes. "Oof!" the force knocked him to the ground (granted, it wasn't all that large of a force, as it was a grape, but Harry was a skinny little thing.)
"2-1 Ron Weasley!" Ron shouted triumphantly, a crazed look on his face.
Seamus began in a soothing tone, much like one that would be used for counseling, "Now Harry, you have to understand that this is natural behavior for any creature that feels the sting of rejection from their potential mate. Ron's decisions may be clouded and-"
The-Boy-Who-Lived blatantly ignored Seamus's attempt at reason. "THIS. IS. WAR!" Harry gave an epic war cry and charged forward at his red haired comrade, armed with a bowl full of spaghetti.
"FOOD FIGHT!" a side note: the source of the voice that started this chaotic war remained unknown for the rest of the school year. Only after the perpetrator graduated from Hogwarts did they admit to beginning the famous 'Hogwarts Food War under the Mistletoe'.
The entire Great Hall was in an up roar. Friends turned on friends, siblings attacked siblings, and the professors even had their fun. Bits of chicken and ham flew through the air. Soups were poured on one another, pumpkin juice splashed around, covering people's shirts. Snape began creeping around with a vat of gravy, spotting Harry right away. Expertly he snuck up behind his least favorite student and dumped the gravy all over his head. In Harry's confusion, Ron took the advantage to slap Harry in the face with a pie. Harry quickly regained his Seeker reflexes and tossed a turkey in Ron's face.
Hermione gripped onto Draco closer. She could feel his muscles under his thin school shirt, and she slowly began inching her hands under the fabric.
Amidst the cries and food, a shout could be distinguished "3-2 Harry Potter!"
"This better not stain!" Lavender screamed as Terry Boot doused her in hot chocolate.
"HAHA! 4-3 Ron Weasley!"
"Argh!"
"AHHH! There are mashed potatoes in my hair!" Astoria Greengrass ran out of the Great Hall crying.
Her soft fingers were exploring his abdomen. Draco's head was going fuzzy as she moved her hands all over him.
"I'm sorry, Professor Flitwick! I didn't mean to step on you!"
The staff was coming undone. Professor McGonagall took the opportunity to chuck bananas in Professor Trelawney's face. Snape giggled as he launched grapes at everyone closest to him. Unfortunately, he mostly hit first years. The terrified children screamed in terror as their Potions Professor giggled like a maniac and continued to throw grapes in the air.
Students not wanting to get involved tried to make an escape. However they were bombarded by Seamus Finnigan, who had set up a fort with the over turned tables near the door. Using his pirate tactics, he rolled in and out of the tables, using makeshift cannons to throw pies and rolls at his victims.
Harry wailed in dismay, "Where are my glasses?!"
"Terry Boot, I swear if this ruins my shirt-!"
"Sha-la-la-la-la-la-"
"Ouch, Crabbe, get off of me!" came the strangled sound of the poor soul that found himself trapped underneath Vincent Crabbe.
"Guys, what's going on?" Neville cried in distress.
"Harry! For the last time, that's my foot, not your glasses!"
This food war could have continued for hours if they hadn't run out of food. They students and professors slowly began to realize that they were running out of ammo. Girls screamed as they caught their reflections, while the boys laughed and smeared the food already on them in their friend's faces. Eventually, covered in spaghetti and varieties of sauces alike, the exhausted students and staff retired to their dormitories. They left a massive mess behind them, although Dumbledore assured them that it would be gone by morning. Soon, there were only two students left in the Great Hall.
Somehow, they had missed getting hit by any flung food, even though they were standing in the middle of the Great Hall. Slowly, the two broke apart, not really registering the mess around them. Hermione lifted her eyes to the ceiling. The mistletoe was gone. Somewhat disappointed and blushing madly, Hermione stepped out of Draco's embrace, embarrassingly dropping her hands to her sides. But Draco had different ideas. He wound his arms around her, and she was shocked when he pulled her closer to him. "What are you doing? We aren't under any mistletoe anymore?" Hermione queried. Draco smirked at her.
"Does it matter?" he asked as he pressed his lips to hers once more.
Haha 10 pages of serious strangeness :) there is definitely something wrong with me! Anyways, review!