Disclaimers: I don't own GW or its characters (licensed by Bandai Entertainment and owned by Sunrise, Sotsu Agency, etc, etc). Song is from unknown source, heard it on a tv show and thought it appropriate. No money made, etc. yadda, yadda…
Warnings: R rating, 2+4; 1X2X1(implied), ?X4(guess) Light Lime, angst, sap (from the Christmas tree most likely), Yaoi, language, violence, Multi-part.
I took some liberties with the boys' ages making Quatre a little younger and with the characters, somewhat OOC
This is my first Gundam Wing fic….doesn't follow canon faithfully so consider it a parallel universe (not AU) or whatever you like….
CHRISTMAS STAR
By Katreve
Part I
A lone figure approached the desert house slowly. He was tired and had been wounded, but he was glad to be home… "home" that's what he thought of his estate now that he had friends there. Since the Maguanacs had returned to their village, he missed their camaraderie. He was glad he had found new friends in the other pilots who were much closer to his age than Rashid and the others. He smiled….
^^^^^^^
"Come on guys," Duo threw his hands in the air in exasperation, "I absolutely cannot believe none of you are interested in Christmas. Shit, so you've never celebrated it before, all the more reason to do it this year."
"Duo," Heero barely glanced up from his laptop, "It's a waste of time. We need to stay alert for ……
"Hah, got you there, Heero, the Perfect Soldier, Yuy. The scientists said in the spirit of Christmas which is supposed to be Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men and to the Colonies too, we are not going to have any missions for two whole weeks….get that two whole weeks…."
Trowa looked up from the manual of strategy he was reading, "And so….what do you want to do?"
"I want a tree and presents and snow….well there's no snow here at Quatre's desert base, but well….it's….Christmas….I want it to be fun."
"Humph, childish," grumped Wufei.
"So what," Duo shrugged, "I'm 15 going on 16 as you all are and Quatre just turned 15…we're still young enough to enjoy ourselves a little. Let's have fun for a change…the rest of you pilots always have nine-foot poles stuck up your asses …you are so….well, I take that back, thank the powers that be Quatre is not like you three."
Heero sighed and shut down his laptop, "Well his is the last mission and he should be returning tonight. Perhaps he will want to listen to your chatter about this celebration."
"No," Duo pleaded, "I want us all to take part. Come on…just give it a try."
The three pilots looked back at him with their typical masks in place, which was, to say the least, not encouraging to Duo. He shook his head and turned away, "I can't wait for Quatre to get back, at least he smiles sometimes and even laughs. And even though he's never celebrated Christmas because of his religion, he has at least listened to me and not acted like friggin' assholes about the idea."
"That's because Quatre is even more childish than you are." Commented Wufei.
"That's not fair," said Duo looking back at Wufei, "he's my best friend and he is not that childish. He just looks very young and he's a sweet guy and you put him down for it."
"He's too weak. He doesn't want to fight, he always wants to give everyone a chance before he fires on them, he could cause us a great deal of trouble one of these times by doing that. I am just surprised he hasn't done so already." Wufei seemed determined to complain about the Arabian boy tonight. "Basically he's too soft, he should have never been a pilot."
"You're being unfair, Wufei. I've seen you talking with him once in a while and you even smile a bit when you do. But now you refuse to acknowledge all the things that are decent about him." Duo still defended his friend and looked over at Trowa for support. He had thought Trowa liked Quatre, especially when he had rejoined the pilots after his bout of amnesia. But Trowa still seemed to keep Quatre at arm's length for the most part.
"What, that he's kind-hearted and likable? Those are not qualities needed by a soldier, ask Heero." Wufei shrugged and picked up the book he had been reading.
Duo looked sharply at Heero challenging him to say anything else about Quatre.
Star up in the SkyWill Never Know
How lovely is the light
That Shines Below
Heero crossed his arms, "He's a nice guy, but we don't need nice guys. We need soldiers who are focused, who are not sentimental as he tends to be, who fight like they mean it. At least you do that Duo. When you go to battle you are as focused and intense as anyone. Sometimes you take chances but you fight hard. You are not late for mission briefings because you are sitting outside somewhere looking at the stars at night or a sunset or the clouds in the sky. You don't waste time trying to talk your opponents out of fighting. Frankly, the scientists have expressed some concern recently about him and fear he could cause us a problem one of these times during a battle."
Duo sat down suddenly and stared at Heero, then glanced over at Trowa.
Trowa sighed and shifted uncomfortably then spoke in his quiet voice, "I am fond of Quatre, Duo. You know that, but you were away on a solo mission last week when the scientists called a conference over the secure vid feeds with Heero, Wufei and I. They called it while they knew Quatre would be visiting Rashid and the others at the Maguanac village."
Duo scowled, he did not like the direction this conversation
was headed. His thoughts of Christmas
were put aside for the time being. He
felt uneasy and concerned for what this meant for Quatre.
Heero picked up the conversation, "Basically they wanted us to get with you as soon as we were able and let you know that they feel that after these two weeks off for the Holidays, they are considering removing Quatre as one of the pilots. They have another pilot in training and in fact he is a little older and they feel he will fit in better…."
Duo's scowl was black now as he interrupted, "And what happens to Quatre? He knows too much and if you say he is to be eliminated, you can just count me out. And, I'll stand and fight any or all of you…"
Trowa now interrupted Duo gently, "No, Duo, I would be with you on fighting that but they do not want him killed. They have suggested he be returned to them for further …uh…training and testing. They mentioned they will keep Sandrock for his use after additional training…and the new pilot will have a Gundam similar to Mercurius."
Duo looked down and took a deep breath. When he looked back up he noticed Wufei had stopped reading his book and was watching him along with the other two pilots.
"Are you telling me you have no problems with this. Do you honestly believe the scientists are only going to train and test Quatre for a while longer? And even if they are telling the truth, do you care enough about a fellow Gundam pilot to let him have to go through that hell again?"
Heero's eyes dropped and then he raised one hand to rub his brow as if he had a headache, but his voice was its usual monotone, "For the sake of our goals and needs in the war, he will no longer be a fellow Gundam pilot after he completes this mission."
"But he is still my friend. And he's been a friend to you Trowa. And Heero he helped you with the Zero system when you first used it, he helped you on earth in that battle where you fought for Treize's faction. Wufei, he ….listens to you if you want to talk even though you seldom do. I've seen you in the garden talking to him at least a few times. So…we dump him because he's not a fighter, not hard and cold enough like the rest of us are."
Duo jumped up, "Shit, I'm not going for this…."
"I do not see that we have any choice in the matter." Said Wufei with seeming indifference.
"Well I am going to tell the scientists to take their missions and shove them up their asses, and as far as the rest of you are concerned…."
"NO, Duo…." The quiet voice of Quatre Winner shocked them all as he stepped into the room from the foyer.
Duo swung around, "Ne, Quat-chan, you're back early. And why are you sneaking up like that?"
Quatre's face was pale and he held one arm tightly. The fingers of the hand grasping his injured arm were bloody. When Duo saw that he approached, but Quatre shook his head and stepped back, "No, Duo. It's nothing. And I wasn't sneaking in, I just thought to be quiet so that I could slip by to my room and get a shower and bandage my arm. I did not want to disturb anyone and I…" he laughed slightly but it sounded out of place, "I was practicing my stealth movements as Heero has told me I need to improve them. I guess I did well enough this time."
Heero cleared his throat, "Mission?"
"Sorry, Heero, yes, Mission Accomplished. And I take it, that it's my last one."
"So you heard?" Trowa's voice held a tone of regret.
"Yes, and I am not all that surprised. Everything that was said about me is true. I know I am not as good at fighting. I know my mind wanders when I should be ready at any time for a briefing and then the mission to follow. I know I'm too emotionally caught up in things I should not be and I can understand it must be more of a liability."
Duo shook his head, "But Quatre…"
"No, Duo, don't fight the scientists on this. And I certainly do not want you at odds with the other pilots….look I'm tired and I'm going to my room to take care of cleaning up and getting my arm bandaged. And then, I think I'll skip dinner tonight and get to bed early. So I'll say Good Night now…."
Quatre nodded at the others briefly and turned to leave. But Duo caught a look in his eyes at the last second as he turned away and he saw the hurt there. Duo was closest to him and he was sure of what he observed.
He turned back to the others and glared at them all. All of them found that they could not meet his eyes and went back to their previous pursuits.
^^^^^^^^
In his room Quatre moved slowly to his bed and sat down on it's edge. Contrary to what he told the others, he was indeed surprised at what the scientists intended to do…he knew he wasn't as good a soldier as the others were, but he thought he was adequate. And more than that, he had heard the criticisms from his friends and he had not even realized he had been such a problem. Sure Heero was impatient with him sometimes and Wufei often looked frustrated with him when he held up a mission briefing. But it seldom happened and he never held it up for long, or so he had thought. And of course, Heero was always telling him to follow one of the others' leads when they battled together, because the enemy had learned he was the weakest fighter. The only solo missions he was sent on were light to no resistance, easy targets.
Quatre lay down, he was too exhausted to even shower and take care of his arm. He felt terribly saddened and alone. But for Duo….well Duo was a good friend. But he couldn't take Duo down with him. Hot tears burned behind his eyelids. He had come to look on the others as close friends. But aside from Duo, he guessed they just did not feel the same. Just hearing their words and the way they spoke them as if he was nothing to them but a liability as a fellow pilot proved that. Well Trowa said he was fond of him, but the way he talked he made Quatre sound pitiful somehow. At least that's the way it appeared to Quatre. He was tired, he would just close his eyes for a while and clean up and tend his wound later. As his eyes closed, one soft sob escaped into the still quiet of his room.
^^^^^^^^
Duo checked on Quatre before he went to bed and found him still in his dirty clothes and his arm was still not cleaned and bandaged. But he was asleep and Duo was not sure he wanted to wake him. He could see him in the light from the hallway before he pushed the door to. He closed it gently and turned on a small lamp on a table next to the bedroom door. As he moved silently closer to the still figure on the bed he could see tear stains on his cheeks. Duo's mouth tightened. He would never let the others know that Quatre was deeply hurt by what he had heard that evening. Wufei would only say he was weak and Heero would most likely just shrug his shoulders with unconcern, being all the more certain the scientists were right about the small Arabian pilot. Still, sometimes Duo thought Heero felt something more for Quatre, though he had never shown it. As for Trowa, he would probably be more sympathetic, but at this point Duo was not going to let even Trowa know how hurt Quatre was.
He moved to sit carefully on the bed next to Quatre and smoothed the gold bangs away from his eyes. He said softly, "Hey Quat, wake up…."
Quatre's eyes flew open suddenly and then he blinked trying to focus on the smiling violet eyes looking at him.
"There you are Kit-Kat, you must have fallen asleep before you could shower. Why don't you do so now and then when you come back out I'll help you wrap your arm up. That looks like a nasty cut…" Duo smiled at his friend.
Quatre sat up and smiled slightly, "Thanks Duo. I can take care of it myself. But I appreciate you waking me so that I can get cleaned up and wash the cut and bandage it. Heh…Heero probably thinks I shouldn't have been wounded at all on such a simple mission. And he's probably right."
"I don't give a rat's ass what Heero thinks. But you know what, Chibi Neko, sometimes I am almost positive Heero thinks a lot more than he ever says."
"You're right he does." Quatre moved to slide off the bed. "I feel it from him, he has emotions but as soon as they surface he battles them back down. You are observant to note that and you don't even have my empathy, or sometimes I call it my curse."
"Yeah…but you go on now and take your shower and change. I am staying to help with you arm, Quat."
Quatre chuckled slightly, "You know Duo I love you, you're my best friend. But you probably do not help my cause if you could call it that, by calling me pet names like little cat and Kit-Kat."
Duo sat up straight as if indignant, "I'll have you know Master Winner, those names are for your ears only and in private. And it just means you're my best friend, something like what I would want a little brother to be if I ever had one."
"Thank you Duo. You are really so kind."
Duo winked at the blonde, "Takes one to know one as they say."
Quatre smiled at his friend and took a pair of pajamas from his bureau and then went into the bathroom and closed the door. Moments later, Duo heard the shower start.
He waited patiently, having moved to one of the chairs in Quatre's room. He whistled to himself and found himself whistling a Christmas carol.
When Quatre came out from his shower still toweling his damp hair with his good arm, Duo stood and said, "Where's your med-kit, let's get your arm taken care of now."
"No, Duo, you've done enough. You should go on to bed."
"Nope, no can do." Said Duo, "I have to talk to you about Christmas. Those other bakas are such sticks in the mud. You'd think it would kill them to have some fun or even think of having a good time for whatever reason."
Quatre found himself smiling broadly as he took the med-kit from it's drawer in the bureau and walked over to hand it to Duo.
"All right friend Duo. I want to hear more of this Christmas. And I remember everything you've told me so far."
"Yes," Duo nodded as he pushed Quatre to sit on the edge of the bed and sat next to him. Quatre had on short-sleeved pajamas and had washed the gash well and it was no longer bleeding. Duo proceeded to dress and bandage the wound gently as he chattered on about Christmas traditions, the tree, the lights, the presents, the big dinner, the games.
Quatre listened with eyes shining. He absorbed all Duo said and remembering what had occurred to him before, he expanded his plans. At least he could have these holidays with Duo and the other pilots. And he would enjoy it even though it would break his heart when they were over and he had to say good bye to them all. But he supposed except for Duo and maybe Trowa, they would not care too much.
Duo was describing a funny Christmas prank he played when he was young and in the orphanage run by Father Maxwell and Sister Helen.
Quatre laughed happily, living in the moment, pushing away the thoughts of loneliness and isolation that were to come.
Duo grinned at Quatre's laughter, "You know Quat, you should always be smiling or laughing. It just makes you that much more beautiful."
Quatre's laughter faded and he became solemn and quiet. He seemed to be lost in deep thought as Duo repacked the med-kit and moved to put it away in the place where he had seen Quatre take it from the bureau drawer.
He sat back down next to his friend and put his hand on his shoulder, "A penny for your thoughts, Quat-chan."
Quatre sighed and looked up, searching Duo's eyes for a moment. Finally he said with a break in his voice, "Duo, do you think I'm gay?"
Duo was taken aback and dropped his hand from Quatre's shoulder. Quatre noticed it and smiled sadly at the movement as Duo pulled back from him. Duo saw it and understood exactly what Quatre thought he was doing.
"No, no…Quat, listen to me." Duo said earnestly. "In fact, come here…"
Duo stood up and kicked off his shoes and then climbed on Quatre's bed and pulled up pillows so he could sit up against them. He held out his arms to a perplexed Quatre.
"Come on, come here to me. We're just friends, ne. Like brothers. There's nothing wrong with it."
Quatre moved hesitantly toward Duo and then Duo reached out and pulled him close, encircling the smaller boy in his arms. Duo moved one hand to gently push Quatre's head so that it lay on his shoulder. Quatre tucked his knees closer to his body so that it was easier to rest against Duo. He sighed with contentment , feeling secure in Duo's embrace.
"Now little brother, let's talk about this. Do I think you gay? To be honest, I never gave it a thought. Well….I did say you were beautiful when you smiled and laughed didn't I. But Quatre you are ….you are kind-hearted, compassionate, loving….that's all the beauty you have inside and then on the outside, you are, to be brutally frank, one hell of a looker. I know because I am bi-sexual myself."
Quatre pulled his head from Duo's shoulder and looked up at him, his mouth dropping open. But he didn't pull out of Duo's arms.
Duo chuckled and tapped Quatre's nose with one finger, "Close your mouth or you'll catch flies."
Quatre did so and then frowned slightly, but Duo tucked his head back down and continued, "Now right now I have no sexual feelings for you…just brotherly, warm ones. But I can see where someone would want you very easily if they were bi-sexual or gay themselves. However, what I think of your sexual persuasion is not the point. How do you feel about yourself?"
Quatre sighed once more and couldn't help but snuggle a little closer to his "big brother." After a moment he said, "I think I'm supposed to be gay. I've had so little opportunity to be around girls except my sisters. I don't know if I'm interested in girls or not. And it's also because of what I've noticed and felt when other guys look at me. I wondered if that might be part of why Heero and the other pilots and the scientists too want to be rid of me."
"Hmmmm…..but I'm bi-sexual and they are not using that for an excuse to dump me."
"But Duo you don't flaunt it. And you're a much better fighter and never get on Heero's or Wufei's nerves because you're late to mission briefings…."
Duo started to laugh, "Perhaps I don't get on their nerves for that reason, but you can hardly say I don't get on their nerves. Wufei especially." He laughed even more at some memories of Wufei threatening him on more than one occasion but then grew serious, "Quat-chan I do not like you saying you flaunt yourself. You don't do that. When other guys look at you that way or even look like they're going to come on to you, it's your looks, not that you are flirting with them or anything. To put it bluntly you're very attractive…"
"You mean pretty…like a girl."
"No…not exactly like a girl. Though I swear I am sure a number of girls would kill for your eyes and hair. But yes, you are attractive in a boyish and yet somehow refined way. You're strong but your build is slender, smaller than others your age. But all these things do not make you gay. You are whatever you are to be….don't let yourself think you have to be anything but what you feel you should be."
"You're such a good friend Duo," Quatre's voice broke, "I am going to miss you so…you're the brother I never had."
"Hush, little Quat, it hasn't happened yet. And we have the Christmas holidays to plan, you and I, since the others do not seem likely to help. And when they are over, we will face the issue and by then I intend to have something in place to keep you as one of us, or at least to keep you away from the scientists and their further testing. Because I would miss you too."
"Oh Duo," Quatre threw his arms around Duo's waist and hugged him tight, "I love you….but I love the others too in some way, especially Heero," Quatre stopped shocked at what he had admitted then he rushed on, "I don't want to lose what I feel for them even if they do not care for me as much as I do for them."
A slight knock on the door caused Duo to look up to see Heero. He had opened the door and the knock was to let them know he was there.
Quatre was embarrassed at his tears and he truly hoped Heero hadn't heard what he had said about his feelings for the Japanese pilot. He quickly pulled himself from Duo's embrace and used his hands to smooth the tears from his cheeks. He kept his eyes cast down as he said,
"Gomen nasi, Heero, I am sure you feel this emotional outburst is another reason for my removal as a Gundam pilot. You should not have had to see this and I know it's foolish…"
"Be quiet for a moment Quatre." Heero's voice and face were without expression as usual, but his eyes betrayed something else.
"Listen, I just want you to know….that I really….that….shit," Heero turned away suddenly but went on speaking, "Look, you're a good kid and I wanted you to know that and that even if you couldn't fight as well as the rest of us, I never questioned your bravery or loyalty. I've got to go….see you in the morning." and Heero almost ran from the room pulling the door to behind him.
Duo grinned and pulled his friend back into his arms, "Well…what do you think of that?"
"But why did he say those things?" Quatre was puzzled. "He has no respect for me…"
"I would say he does and more than that. Perhaps he just beginning to realize how much more. And he heard some of our conversation I am sure…and I'm glad he did."
"I don't know, Duo, it just made me look all the more foolish and weak. And did he hear me say I felt something for him and our talk about me being gay? Quatre pushed himself away from Duo again, alarmed at these possiblities.
"Who cares….Heero's no innocent, and I speak from experience. Now look, it's time for you to get some sleep. You look very tired. If you want, I'll tell you more about Christmas and you can relax here on my shoulder until you fall off."
"That's kind of like a baby isn't it?"
"Who says it is? It's just you and me being brotherly..ne, Kit-Kat?"
Quatre let Duo tuck him close again. As he listened to Duo's talk of Christmas, he smiled knowing what he was going to do, going to do for Duo and for all his friends. And he began to drift to sleep….pushing away the fear of the future and planning a special Christmas, what would probably be his first and last one with the others.
Duo carefully moved Quatre from his arms and put him down to sleep. He pulled a blanket from the foot of the bed and tucked him in. The he smoothed his hair slightly and turned away with a grin. But when he reached the door, he face was grim. No one was going to take his little brother away….that's how he felt about him now…and he had to talk to Heero ….
Out in the hall, he saw Wufei coming up to bed. Wufei snorted at him, "Heero said you were settling Quatre for the night. You're like an onna and he's like a little boy."
"Whatever, Wufei, but I felt a lot warmer and loved tonight that you did, you can be sure of that."
Wufei watched Duo walk down the hall and gently knock on Heero's door.
TBC…