Artemis' Got Talent
Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl, not that I'd want to anyway, the books get way too weird after book four.
The Judges: Howie Mandel, Sharron Osborne, Howard Stern
Contestants: Artemis Fowl, Butler, Holly Short and Mulch Diggums, Foaly, Juliet Butler, Opal Koboi, and Myles and Beckett Fowl.
Chapter 1: Artemis' Audition
"What's your name dear?" Sharron asked.
"I am Artemis Fowl." Artemis replied.
"And what will you be doing for us tonight?" Sharron said slowly, she was kind of freaked out by the paleness of this boy.
"I won't be doing it for you. I'm doing it because my friends told me I should; they'll be on later." Artemis said with a frown.
"So, are you dancing?" Howie asked excitedly.
"Of course not Mr. Mandel. I will be playing the piano since I have been informed that I'm 'no good' at anything else I've tried." Artemis recalled his friends telling him to stop singing or they would blast him, with what he did not know.
Artemis sat down at the keyboard that the crew had set up. He glanced at his music. Artemis frowned deeply.
"Who switched my music?!" Artemis groaned.
Mulch giggled behind Artemis.
Artemis scowled at the music sheet but decided to play the music anyway.
Artemis began to play and everyone started laughing. The song that Justin Beiber sings that repeats "baby, baby, baby, oh" (I don't know the real name) over and over was being played.
When Artemis finished the song he took an extravagant bow.
"That was actually pretty good. I think you need to change your look, because frankly you look like a cross between a vampire and a lawyer. I did like how dramatic you were at the end when you bowed. Nobody does that anymore." Howard said.
"You didn't look like you were enjoying yourself and if you don't feel it then the audience won't either." Howie said, wondering if he should ask if next time Artemis could dance.
Howie shrugged apologetically and turned to Sharron.
"I think you were marvelous! Howard is right, the suit makes you look too old and your hair is terrible! But it was wonderful! Howie is right too, it's all about connecting with the audience. By the way, I think you need to sing the words too." Sharron said sweetly.
Artemis frowned again.
"I don't sing. My hair is fine the way it is. My suit does make me look more like an adult, that's the idea." Artemis rolled his eyes.
"Whatever, I'm just saying that everyone would like you a lot more if you changed. Let's vote, Howie?" Howard said grumpily.
"It's a no for me. If you go on, I'd try something more classical. Maybe Beethoven." Howie said. Artemis groaned, remembering the song he was originally going to play, it was Beethoven.
"I think that you should go on. So it's a yes for me." Sharron said.
"I don't like your look and that was an odd song choice. But you did preform really well. You're going to Vegas!" Howard said as the audience cheered.
Artemis groaned and exited the stage.
Backstage Nick Cannon (the host) smiled at the camera and pulls Artemis over.
"So Arty, can I call you Arty? The judges think you need to change your look to go with you song genre. What do you think?" Nick said, still smiling at the camera.
"You most definitely may not call me "Arty". But back to the show, I will not give in to the judges suggestions. I am not trying to go very far in this competition because I have no desire to be famous in any way unless it's for being a billionaire." Artemis glowered.
Chapter 2: Butler's Audition
Butler walked onto the stage. The judges gaped. It was like watching a mountain walk on stage. Except he was a bit more mobile.
"How's the air up there?" Howie asked
The audience did what it was supposed to when the judges told jokes and laughed.
"Tell us about yourself." Howie asks.
"I'm a bodyguard,"
The audience giggles.
"I'd prefer if you didn't know my real name." Continued the mobile mountain.
Everyone laughed until Butler glared at them.
"So what do we call you?" Sharron asked.
Butler thought for a minute, not really coming up with any good names.
"You may call me Bob. Or, if you want all your bones broken you can call me Antonio." He finally answered.
The audience laughed loudly.
"So will you be dancing tonight?" Howie asked, he just loved dancing.
"No, I believe my little sister is dancing later, but you never know with her. I will be singing tonight." Butler said as the audience laughed.
Butler stepped back and the lights went low. The music started slowly then stopped completely and a new song started.
Butler frowned and glanced toward the backstage. Unfortunately for Butler he knew the words to the song that was being played. He couldn't help himself and sang along to Katy Perry's Firework. The crowd went wild as Butler sang it perfectly.
"Cause baby you're a firework! Come on let your colors burst! It goes: uh uh uh!" Butler sang.
When the music stopped Butler turned red and stepped up to the mike.
"Antonio," Sharron started.
Butler frowned.
" Err, Bob, that was spectacular! Your voice is so deep that it sounds so great with this song!" Sharron praised Butler. (Note: Firework does not actually sound good in a deep voice.)
"Well, it wasn't any dancing, that's for sure, but it did sound really good. I think next time you should try singing a Hannah Montana song." Howie said in all seriousness.
The audience laughed.
"That was pretty good Antonio. By the way, you don't scare me. I think next time you should sing a song that was originally performed by a man." Howard said.
Butler nodded, scowling. Mulch snickered.
"Let's vote. I say yes! He nailed the uh uh uhs!" Howie said.
"I think that if you can choose a better song next time then you'll be great! It's a yes for me!"
"That's three yeses, you're going to Vegas!" Sharron said happily.
Butler nodded and walked off stage to find Mulch and strangle him.
Chapter 3: Holly and Mulch's Audition
The reason fairies are on America's Got Talent is because Holly mesmerized everyone into thinking they were just short people.
"Who are you and what will you be doing for us tonight, Grumpy?" Howard said "cunningly".
Everyone laughed at Mulch. He just showed them his large teeth to shut them up.
"I am the Amazing Mulchdini! And this is my wonderful assistant Holly!" Mulch grinned.
"I never agreed to performing with this stinky fuzz ball!" Holly screamed, she looked like she wanted to shoot Mulch.
Mulch faked looking hurt.
"That's too bad honey! When we got married you seemed perfectly happy!" Mulch said, enjoying every minute of Holly's misery.
"We are not married! You slimy little…" Holly seethed.
"Let's get this show on the road!" Mulch said cutting off Holly's string of insults.
Both stepped back and Mulch helped Holly onto a table. He grinned at the audience.
"I'm going to saw her in half without one of those nifty boxes!" Mulch announced.
"You don't even have a saw!" Holly snorts.
"You're right, but I never leave home without my…" Mulch reached behind his back, "Chainsaw!"
He revved up the motor and held the chain just above Holly's stomach.
"Wait Mulch! We haven't practiced this! What are you doing?!" Holly screamed.
"I don't like the idea of being dragged back to jail after this so I'm getting rid of you!" Mulch said with a wink.
Holly rolled off the table and Mulch sliced it in two even halves. He laughed like a maniac and chased Holly around the stage, swinging the chainsaw wildly. The audience shrieked when Mulch started chasing her into the seating aisles.
Holly launched herself into the air with her dragon fly style wings.
"I think we should try a different act Mulch!" Holly called down to him.
Mulch sighed and turned off the chainsaw. Holly realized that there was no chain on the weapon. Mulch had used a collapsible table to freak out the audience.
"Well what do you want to do?" Mulch called.
A few moments later Mulch was wearing a pink tutu. He was strapped backwards (with his back facing Holly) to a large spinning wheel.
Holly took out her Nuetro and spun the wheel.
Mulch screamed like a little girl when Holly shot her gun four times and pretended to blow smoke away. Fairy weapons haven't actually smoked in years.
Mulch looked down to see his bum flap wide open. Holly had blasted the buttons clean off!
The two held hands and took a bow. While Mulch was preoccupied blowing kisses Holly snapped some handcuffs on him.
"I really wish someone would dance. But this comedy act was the next best thing! No need to hear anyone else, you get a yes from me!" Howie said excitedly.
"I liked the show but I thought it was a little too flashy and unfocused. You need to decide if you're a danger act, a comedy act, or a magic show. I'm sorry but it's a no for me."
"Why did you choose the name 'Mulchdini'? It's so weird! Mulch is like the stuff they put on playgrounds right? I agree with Sharron, you're too much! I think Holly was great when she blew your pants off but you can't be showing your bear rear on TV. We're on too early! It's a yes though."
"Alright then! My wife and I will be leaving." Mulch called, blowing one more kiss.
"I'm not your wife! The thought sickens me!" Holly said, sticking her tongue out.
"Of course dear." Mulch sighed theatrically.
Chapter 4: Foaly' Audition
Foaly clomped on stage. Holly had mesmerized everyone to think he was wearing one of those inflatable cowboy-on-a-horse suits.
"Let me guess, you'll be doing rope tricks." Howard said dryly.
The crowd obediently laughed.
"No, I'm a comedian actually." Foaly said.
"Sure you are. What's your name?" Howard asked, wishing he was doing anything else.
"My name is Foaly, and this is my foal!" He said slapping his rump, knowing to the audience it would look like he was patting the inflatable horse.
No one laughed.
"Alright then! On to the material. This morning when I was picking out my costume my wife asked if I wanted the saddle with or without the horn, you know the thing you hold onto, and I said: Depends on how much traffic there is!" Foaly laughed.
No one else in the building laughed, Sharron smiled weakly at him but that was all.
"Speaking of my wife, when we met she asked me if I thought we were meant for each other and I said: I'm the two parts hydrogen and you're the oxygen!" Foaly said.
Not even Sharron smiled. Howard pressed his buzzer.
Foaly laughed loudly, sort of braying like a donkey.
He told a few more lame jokes none of which got a laugh and then waited for the judges to unplug their ears.
"Well Foaly, you have an interesting style of comedy. I don't think we need to hear Howie or Howard, let's vote. It's a no for me but I do hope you keep doing what you love." Sharron informed Foaly.
"I know Sharron said that we didn't need to hear from me but I have so many, many insults for your material!" Howard laughed.
Sharron shot him a rude look.
"I will not tell you any of these insults though. It's a definite no for me." Howard coughed.
"If you had danced you might have made it. Your material wasn't funny at all. It's three no's. Sorry." Howie shrugged.
Foaly clomped off the stage to be met by Nick Cannon.
"So the judges didn't like your material, huh? Tough break buddy. I think you were pretty good! Let's hear another joke."
"Why did the scientist cross the road?" Foaly asked sarcastically.
"Why?" Nick asked, still smiling at the camera.
"To get away from here and recollect his dignity." Foaly moaned.
Nick smiled at the camera and said, "That one was actually kind of funny!"
Foaly moaned.
Chapter 5: Juliet's Audition
"You must be Bob/Antonio's little sister! He said you were going to dance!" Howie asked, happy someone was finally going to dance.
"Nope! I'm doing gymnastics on those ropes up there!" Juliet said sweetly.
The crowd gasped when she pointed to ropes far above their heads. Nobody had ever done a danger act above the audience before!
Juliet smiled beneath her face paint. People were so easy to freak out!
Juliet started to climb the ropes but then realized that someone had cut part way through one of the ropes. Mulch giggled as Juliet spun wildly around and lept onto the other rope. She then spun in uncontrollable circles. Juliet flew off the rope and landed on an air mattress on the stage.
The audience screamed and looked for Juliet. (They didn't see her go flying off the rope.)
Juliet bounced off the mattress and came racing towards the judges. She landed on their table and accidently pressed all three buttons. A loud honk was sounded, making the judges turn around to see Juliet lounging comfortably on their buzzers.
"Hi guys!" Juliet said happily.
"How did you do that?" Howard asked.
"Do what?" Juliet asked, confused.
"That was a fabulous act!" Sharron cried.
"I wish you had danced." Howie shrugged.
"You shouldn't have pushed the buttons! It was too good to stop!" Howard yelled.
"Thank you! I hate dancing! Thank you!" Juliet said, waving to the audience.
"Let's vote! I say yes!" Howard declared.
"No." Howie said.
"I love the danger! It's a yes for me!" Sharron quickly said.
"I always knew I should be in show biz!" Juliet smiled.
"You look familiar, have I seen you on TV?" Howard asked.
"Do you watch wrestling?" Juliet asked cheerfully.
"No way! It's just sweaty people knocking each other over!" Howard grimaced.
"Nuh uh! It is a civilized sport! Let me show you some of my moves!" Juliet said with a pout.
"Leave me alone! Help! Security!" Howard screamed.
Juliet chased Howard around and finally caught him. She threw him to the ground and body-slammed him. Security dragged her out.
Backstage Nick tried to interview Juliet while the security guys tried to shock her with their buzz batons.
"You'll never take me alive!" Juliet shrieked.
"While we settle this young lady down enjoy this commercial by that popcorn guy!" Nick said, quickly ducking a kick from Juliet.
Chapter 6: Opal's Audition
"Hello darling, what's your name?" Sharron asked, thinking Opal was a little girl.
"My name is Opal Koboi! I am a genius but I will be singing for you tonight!" Opal wondered if she should have used her human name. Nah.
"How do we know you are a genius?" Howard asked.
"Do you know what pi squared is?" Opal asked sweetly.
"No, do you?" Howard grinned, never guessing Opal actually knew.
"1.772004514666935!" Opal snapped.
"Okay you're smart, that doesn't mean you're a good singer." Howard shrugged.
"When I take over the world you'll be seventh to die! You can't be first because I have that place reserved by a certain boy genius." Opal pouted.
Back stage Artemis winced. "Why did we let her out of prison for this again?"
"I don't remember." Holly said with a shake of her head.
On stage Opal began to sing Salina Gomez's song Who Says?
"Whooooooo saaaaaaays? Who saaaaaays you're not peeeerfect? Tell meeeeeeee who saaaaaaays?" Opal screeched.
Howard hit his buzzer.
Howie hit his buzzer.
Sharron plugged her ears and then hit her buzzer.
Opal didn't stop singing.
To save their ears Mulch bit the microphone cord so all you could hear was a considerably quieter Opal.
Opal finally stopped singing and started pouting.
"I was just getting to the good part!" Opal whined.
"If there is a good part to your singing, which I highly doubt, then you should have gotten to it a long time ago!" Howard pointed out.
"You were very off key. I think you should work on your voice and then come back someday." Sharron said.
"You should have danced. Dancing is a lot quieter." Howie put in.
"Let's vote. I'm sorry darling but it's a no for me." Sharron said politely.
"No. Or should I say nooooooooooo?!" Howard mocked.
Opal frowned to remind him he was on her kill list.
"No waaaaaaay!" Howie bellows.
Opal screamed bad temperedly and ran off stage. A second later Nick walked her back out and they both started to sing.
"Whoooooo saaaaays?" Nick and Opal squawk.
The crowd laughed and Opal left less angry.
Chapter 7: Myles and Beckett's Audition
Myles and Beckett Fowl walked on stage and everyone cooed at how cute they were.
"Hi everyone!" Beckett waved to the audience.
"Hi!" The audience called.
"Good job, we'll make them send us on because we're too cute!" Myles whispered to Beckett.
The audience laughed, Myles had left his mike on.
"Hello there darlings. What are your names?" Sharron said sweetly.
"I think that we should be called the Baloney Brothers but Myles thinks that it should be Men of Math." Beckett explained.
"They want to know our real names! I'm Myles and he's Beckett. We're the Fowl Twins!" Myles yelled.
The audience laughed as Myles pulled Beckett into a hug. Beckett pushed Myles away.
"Will you be dancing tonight?
Myles looked to Beckett. Beckett shrugged.
"We'll be rapping AND dancing." Myles said, he figured agreeing with the judges was a good idea.
"Yes! Finally!" Howie jumped out of his chair and pumped his fist.
Myles and Beckett smiled, this was going to be easy.
"Beckett wrote the words and I am the choreographer." Myles said.
Beckett started to rap, "I like to eat bugs!"
Myles started dancing and doing his part of the rap, "Bugs!"
"Yeah I like to eat bugs!"
"Bugs!"
"I hide them in the rugs!"
"Rugs!"
"It makes Mommy say Ugh!"
"Ugh?"
"Yeah Ugh!" Beckett rapped.
"Oh, Ugh!"
"Mommy thinks I'm a thug!"
"She thinks you're a thug?" Myles asked.
"Yeah! She thinks I'm a thug! She won't even give her favorite boy a hug!" Beckett rapped.
"But you not her favorite! I am!" Myles yelled.
Beckett was confused, "No, I am!"
"I am!" Myles corrected.
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Mommy likes me better!" Beckett screamed.
The act went downhill from there and the boys started wrestling across the stage.
Butler rushed on stage, picked up the twins and held the boys apart from each other.
"That was adorable boys!" Sharron cooed.
"I loved the dancing." Howie declared.
"The way you pretended to fight with each other was entertainment gold!" Howard told the boys.
"I like gold! Gold is power you know!" Myles said, perking up at the mention of gold.
"Sure it is, darling. Let's vote. I say yes!" Sharron said.
"I loved the dancing so it's a yes!" Howie said happily.
"That's three yeses; you're going to Vegas boys!" Howard congratulated the boys.
The boys high fived and Butler carried them off the stage.
Chapter 8: Finale
Myles and Beckett had made it to the finale and their only competition was Butler. They would each perform one more time and then America would vote. (I know the characters are Irish but I don't know if they have an Ireland's Got Talent.)
Butler was up first singing Billy Ray Cyrus' Achy Breaky Heart. So far he had been one of America's top choices, but only when he sang popular songs. He had tried a classical song and nearly got voted off!
Artemis frowned from the audience; next to him were Holly and Mulch. The three had really gotten into the competition and were quite upset when they got voted off.
"That should be me up there! Butler is an amateur!" Artemis sulked.
"I thought that you hated being in the competition." Holly said inquiringly.
"Well I did but if I had known that there was a million dollars at stake then I might have tried harder!" Artemis said defensively.
"How did you not know there was money at stake?!" Mulch was surprised Artemis had entered the competition without knowing there was money to be won.
"I don't watch popular TV, how was I to know?" Artemis frowned.
"Yeah well me and Mulch could have beat you." Holly said purely to pester him.
"The correct term is Mulch and I." Artemis automatically corrected.
"Whatever." Holly sniffed.
On stage Butler began to sing.
"But don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart, I just don't think he'd understand!" Butler sang.
Afterwards the judges gave him some constructive criticism. Butler just nodded and left.
Next Myles and Beckett started rapping about the table of elements (Myles wrote this one).
Artemis cheered for his little brothers but didn't really care if they won.
At the end of their rap the crowd went nuts. Some of them were wearing t-shirts with the two youngest Fowl's faces on them.
After the twins were finished there was a performance by Lady Gaga and the show ends.
Artemis, Holly, and Mulch made their way back to Butler and the twins.
"Hey Antonio! You wouldn't be here if it weren't for me! I'm the one who switched your song at the first audition!" Mulch reprimanded.
"Then I will kill you later." Butler grunted while signing an autograph.
The next day it was time to reveal who won.
Nick walked on stage, followed by the twins and Butler.
He spoke about how hard it is to get this far in the competition and blah blah blah.
Finally he opened the envelope. He gasped.
"The winner of America's Got Talent is… Myles and Beckett Fowl!" Nick announced.
The crowd went wild!
"I'd like to thank Butler, err, Antonio for not crushing us and Professor Primate for being such a great pal!" Myles said, speaking into the mike.
"I'd like to thank the academy, I don't know who they are but that's who most people thank on TV so I figured I probably should too. Oh yeah, and my mommy for letting me eat that bug!" Beckett frowned remembering "Mommy" never actually LET him eat the bug. Oh well.
The End