In honor of Halloween, I'm writing a mystery fanfic in the only way I can:
a humorous one. So, even though there WILL be character deaths (and lots
of them) it should be taken lightly. It's all a big joke, people! I don't
want any complaints! I like these characters just as much as the next
person but I can't really write a whodunit without death, can I? Yeah,
that's what I thought, punk!
-HIZZY-
~*~*~*~*~*
"Ms. Inverse?"
"Gimme back my chicken, Gourry!"
"Hey! That's not your chicken!"
"Yes it is!"
"Ms. Inverse.?"
"Don't hog all the pie!"
"I didn't even eat any of it!"
"Leggo my eggo!"
"But it's mine!"
"MS. INVERSE!"
Lina and Gourry stopped eating and looked at the messenger. He stood impatiently, having been saying 'Ms. Inverse' for the past hour and all, with two letters in his hand. One was labeled 'Lina Inverse' and the other 'Gourry Gabriev.'
***
Amelia hummed quietly while doing her paperwork. She loved paperwork. She was finally able to be helping her father run the kingdom. So many laws to be passed, treaties to be made, justice to be spread. If there was one thing she loved more than justice, it would be superjustice. That was something Amelia had made up. It was like justice only it included the use of the term 'super' before it. Not quite as extreme as megajustice and not quite as weak as patheticjustice, it was perfect for any speader of justice.
A knock on the door interrupted the superjustice being done.
"Come in!" the princess called. One of the servants entered, bowed, and held up an envelope with 'Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune' written across it.
***
"Jilias!" Filia held up a vase, "This shouldn't be in the mace section! Did you put it there?"
The fox man looked at the vase for a moment, then at the maces, then at the vase, then at his watch, then at Filia. Then the process repeated itself with one exception -- he was wearing a fedora hat.
"No, boss, I think Gravos did. Do you want me to get him so you can beat him?" he asked, excited.
Filia looked started, "Why on earth would I want to beat him!?"
Jilias thought about it for a moment. He donned his fedora hat again while he thought. It was a very nice fedora hat, he thought. Very comfortable and stylish. It made him look smarter, too. He'd bought it the day before at the fedora hat down the street. In fact, there were three fedora hat shops in the vicinity. They were a popular item at the time, especially among people who were also foxes. He used his hat for heavy duty thinking, not realizing that whenever he wore it he began thinking about how wonderful it looked on him, thus causing him to not think about what he originally intended to think about.
After about five minutes of Jilias thinking, Filia finally repeated the question.
Jilias took the hat off and thought again, "Because he's the one who misplaced the vase in the first place."
She sighed. Jilias and Gravos had been competing for unknown reasons. It all started that day she told them she only needed one person to work for her and one of them would probably be laid off. At first they'd just been working harder and being nice to Filia. But then vases began to be misplaced. That's when they blamed each other. Each time one blamed the other, they got into a big fight and got injured.
"Can you just put the vase back where it belongs, then?" she asked finally.
"Sure thing, Filia-boss!" Jilias hurried into the other room, passing Gravos on his way out, after, of course, they both gave each other death glares.
"You got this letter," Gravos said holding up an envelope that said 'Filia Ul Copt.'
***
Xellos happily ate his Pockey Sticks and wondered how he should annoy Filia next. Recently, he'd been moving all her vases around. It really made things interesting around the Mace & Vase Shop.
At the moment, he was seated at a table across from Filia's shop, watching the fun. It wasn't really as exciting as the first dozen times. He was about to leave his table when something caught his eye. It was a letter addressed to 'Xellos Metallium.'
***
Zelgadis looked around. Desert in every direction. He smiled, satisfied. Finally, he could have time to hear himself think.
'I'm hideous,' he thought, then realizing that he didn't WANT to hear himself think. It was at that time he noticed a mailbox next to him. It wasn't very often that Zelgadis found a mailbox in the middle of the desert, so he was somewhat curious. Upon opening the mailbox, he found a letter addressed to him.
The letter was as follows:
Dear Receiver of This Letter,
If you are reading this letter you are one of the lucky six, who have been chosen for an all expense paid trip to the Death Mansion®. We had to go through a long and complicated process just to choose you for this special weekend getaway. Mostly just drawing names from a hat. At the Death Mansion® you will enjoy:
-Continental Breakfast
-Full Body Massage
-Billiards
-Death
-Free HBO
We hope you won't pass up this once in a lifetime offer. Really, though, if you do this it will be the last thing you'll ever do. Ahahaha. Please disregard the previous comment. It doesn't mean anything whatsoever I don't know why I wrote it. All of my whiteout is gone and I wrote it on each of the letters. I do that sometimes. I think it's some sort of disorder.
Sincerely, Anonymous
***
Lina and Gourry didn't even finish reading the letters. Lina didn't stop at the word 'continental', which held very little meaning to her. But upon reading the word following it, 'breakfast', she got very excited. Together to two words formed a chemical reaction inside her brain, resulting in her bolting out the door. Gourry was still trying to read the phrase 'Dear receiver of this letter' when his friend suddenly ran out of the room. He knew that her running out the door either meant there was food involved or she really had to use the bathroom. She had just went to the bathroom five minutes ago, so Gourry figured out the letter must have mentioned food. Therefore, he too bolted out the door.
***
Amelia read through the letter carefully. The letter didn't actually use the term 'justice' but she liked to think that it did. In which case, she did the same as Lina and Gourry had in the previous scene.
***
Filia set the letter down and wondered what should be done about it. The death part didn't sound very fun but she had conveniently read over that part. For the past month she'd been working very hard and the thought of a full body massage was tempting. But who would look after the shop? The dragon case a glance over at Jilias and Gravos, who were currently trying to kill each other. She also looked at the cradle she'd placed the once evil baby ancient dragon. Who would watch him? Surely Jilias and Gravos would. She turned her attention back at her employees, now sitting in a daze on the floor where'd they'd struck each other down, and said, "I'm going away for a week!"
***
Across the street, Xellos watched Filia leaving the shop with a suitcase in hand. If she was going, then he would definitely have to go. SOMEbody had to annoy her. A monster's work is never done.
***
Zelgadis crumpled up the letter and threw it on the ground next to him. 'Ridiculous!' he thought to himself, 'Me going to some vacation retreat when I need to find my cure?' He had been on the brink of something lately. Each day he grew closer and closer to what was probably his cure. There was no way he could just leave to Death Mansion. 'Wait.' Zelgadis picked the letter off the ground, 'Did that say 'free HBO'!?'
***
And so the six found themselves on their way to Death Mansion, unaware of the almost certain deaths that would occur there, foretold in the letters. Unaware, also, of the wonderful selection of videos and DVDs which were accidentally left out of the letter. But most importantly, the death. None of them really noticed that part.
~*~*~*~*~*
To be continued. bum bum BUUUUM!
-HIZZY-
~*~*~*~*~*
"Ms. Inverse?"
"Gimme back my chicken, Gourry!"
"Hey! That's not your chicken!"
"Yes it is!"
"Ms. Inverse.?"
"Don't hog all the pie!"
"I didn't even eat any of it!"
"Leggo my eggo!"
"But it's mine!"
"MS. INVERSE!"
Lina and Gourry stopped eating and looked at the messenger. He stood impatiently, having been saying 'Ms. Inverse' for the past hour and all, with two letters in his hand. One was labeled 'Lina Inverse' and the other 'Gourry Gabriev.'
***
Amelia hummed quietly while doing her paperwork. She loved paperwork. She was finally able to be helping her father run the kingdom. So many laws to be passed, treaties to be made, justice to be spread. If there was one thing she loved more than justice, it would be superjustice. That was something Amelia had made up. It was like justice only it included the use of the term 'super' before it. Not quite as extreme as megajustice and not quite as weak as patheticjustice, it was perfect for any speader of justice.
A knock on the door interrupted the superjustice being done.
"Come in!" the princess called. One of the servants entered, bowed, and held up an envelope with 'Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune' written across it.
***
"Jilias!" Filia held up a vase, "This shouldn't be in the mace section! Did you put it there?"
The fox man looked at the vase for a moment, then at the maces, then at the vase, then at his watch, then at Filia. Then the process repeated itself with one exception -- he was wearing a fedora hat.
"No, boss, I think Gravos did. Do you want me to get him so you can beat him?" he asked, excited.
Filia looked started, "Why on earth would I want to beat him!?"
Jilias thought about it for a moment. He donned his fedora hat again while he thought. It was a very nice fedora hat, he thought. Very comfortable and stylish. It made him look smarter, too. He'd bought it the day before at the fedora hat down the street. In fact, there were three fedora hat shops in the vicinity. They were a popular item at the time, especially among people who were also foxes. He used his hat for heavy duty thinking, not realizing that whenever he wore it he began thinking about how wonderful it looked on him, thus causing him to not think about what he originally intended to think about.
After about five minutes of Jilias thinking, Filia finally repeated the question.
Jilias took the hat off and thought again, "Because he's the one who misplaced the vase in the first place."
She sighed. Jilias and Gravos had been competing for unknown reasons. It all started that day she told them she only needed one person to work for her and one of them would probably be laid off. At first they'd just been working harder and being nice to Filia. But then vases began to be misplaced. That's when they blamed each other. Each time one blamed the other, they got into a big fight and got injured.
"Can you just put the vase back where it belongs, then?" she asked finally.
"Sure thing, Filia-boss!" Jilias hurried into the other room, passing Gravos on his way out, after, of course, they both gave each other death glares.
"You got this letter," Gravos said holding up an envelope that said 'Filia Ul Copt.'
***
Xellos happily ate his Pockey Sticks and wondered how he should annoy Filia next. Recently, he'd been moving all her vases around. It really made things interesting around the Mace & Vase Shop.
At the moment, he was seated at a table across from Filia's shop, watching the fun. It wasn't really as exciting as the first dozen times. He was about to leave his table when something caught his eye. It was a letter addressed to 'Xellos Metallium.'
***
Zelgadis looked around. Desert in every direction. He smiled, satisfied. Finally, he could have time to hear himself think.
'I'm hideous,' he thought, then realizing that he didn't WANT to hear himself think. It was at that time he noticed a mailbox next to him. It wasn't very often that Zelgadis found a mailbox in the middle of the desert, so he was somewhat curious. Upon opening the mailbox, he found a letter addressed to him.
The letter was as follows:
Dear Receiver of This Letter,
If you are reading this letter you are one of the lucky six, who have been chosen for an all expense paid trip to the Death Mansion®. We had to go through a long and complicated process just to choose you for this special weekend getaway. Mostly just drawing names from a hat. At the Death Mansion® you will enjoy:
-Continental Breakfast
-Full Body Massage
-Billiards
-Death
-Free HBO
We hope you won't pass up this once in a lifetime offer. Really, though, if you do this it will be the last thing you'll ever do. Ahahaha. Please disregard the previous comment. It doesn't mean anything whatsoever I don't know why I wrote it. All of my whiteout is gone and I wrote it on each of the letters. I do that sometimes. I think it's some sort of disorder.
Sincerely, Anonymous
***
Lina and Gourry didn't even finish reading the letters. Lina didn't stop at the word 'continental', which held very little meaning to her. But upon reading the word following it, 'breakfast', she got very excited. Together to two words formed a chemical reaction inside her brain, resulting in her bolting out the door. Gourry was still trying to read the phrase 'Dear receiver of this letter' when his friend suddenly ran out of the room. He knew that her running out the door either meant there was food involved or she really had to use the bathroom. She had just went to the bathroom five minutes ago, so Gourry figured out the letter must have mentioned food. Therefore, he too bolted out the door.
***
Amelia read through the letter carefully. The letter didn't actually use the term 'justice' but she liked to think that it did. In which case, she did the same as Lina and Gourry had in the previous scene.
***
Filia set the letter down and wondered what should be done about it. The death part didn't sound very fun but she had conveniently read over that part. For the past month she'd been working very hard and the thought of a full body massage was tempting. But who would look after the shop? The dragon case a glance over at Jilias and Gravos, who were currently trying to kill each other. She also looked at the cradle she'd placed the once evil baby ancient dragon. Who would watch him? Surely Jilias and Gravos would. She turned her attention back at her employees, now sitting in a daze on the floor where'd they'd struck each other down, and said, "I'm going away for a week!"
***
Across the street, Xellos watched Filia leaving the shop with a suitcase in hand. If she was going, then he would definitely have to go. SOMEbody had to annoy her. A monster's work is never done.
***
Zelgadis crumpled up the letter and threw it on the ground next to him. 'Ridiculous!' he thought to himself, 'Me going to some vacation retreat when I need to find my cure?' He had been on the brink of something lately. Each day he grew closer and closer to what was probably his cure. There was no way he could just leave to Death Mansion. 'Wait.' Zelgadis picked the letter off the ground, 'Did that say 'free HBO'!?'
***
And so the six found themselves on their way to Death Mansion, unaware of the almost certain deaths that would occur there, foretold in the letters. Unaware, also, of the wonderful selection of videos and DVDs which were accidentally left out of the letter. But most importantly, the death. None of them really noticed that part.
~*~*~*~*~*
To be continued. bum bum BUUUUM!