PLEASE READ: This story is a PARODY. It's supposed to be crude, stupid, and insulting. That's pretty much what parodies ARE. I do not really hate 50 cent (see chapter 3) and I am merely poking fun at a common fact about the Redwall books (again, chapter 3). I respect and adore Brian Jacques and his work (otherwise why would I write about them?). Any offence is unintentional and apologized for in advance. If you can't understand that, you have no business reading this story. Thank you.
Disclaimer: Do I even really need to bother? Oh wait, yes I do. I don't own Harry Potter, Roald Dahl's Oompa Loompas, g4tv's Franken Pierrery, Kool-Aid, sporks (damnit), 50 cent, the Matrix, Undergrads, anything else I probably missed, and of course Redwall & it's characters. I DO own: Jim the Narrator, myself (Lady Storm), Bird Bob the Cigar Smoking Bird, Pete, any character with a name beginning with 'random', and pretty much everything else.
In other words, if you recognize it from somewhere else, that's where it came from. Simple as that. Cheers!
Jim the Narrator: We see a pleasant day in the peaceful Mossflower Woods. The Abbey of… uh, Redwall, is standing nice and tall in the middle of the peaceful Mossflower Woods on this pleasant day. Happy, joyful beasts are doing random, happy, joyful things in the nice, tall abbey of Redwall in the middle of the peaceful Mossflower Woods on this pleasant day –
Lady Storm: GET ON WITH IT!
Jim the Narrator: Humph! Anyhootles, it's breakfast time, right? And most beasts are, like, still eating, right? But some beasts are, like, still in bed, or like, just getting up, right? And –
Storm: ... (Aiming laser gun)
Jim: FINE! Anyway, Gonff was trying to get a certain warrior out of bed…
(REDWALL ABBEY; Martin's Room)
Martin:(In bed) Must… sleep…. Zzz..
Gonff: Out, mate! (Grabs Martin by the foot paws, trying to wrench him out of bed) Ngngnnh!
Martin: Screw… you! Lemme sleep!
Jim the Narrator: Obviously, he's not getting very far.
Gonff: (Gasping) No durr! Come ON, matey, or I'll eat yer pudden!
Martin: Yeah, right! Go harass some other sleepy victim, why don't you?
Gonff: Well, I could do that…
Martin: Whew!
Gonff: Or not.
Martin: Drat!
Gonff: Besides, they always call for Bella, who spanks me.(looks down sadly)
Martin: Hahahahaha! (Gasps, then pauses) But I'm still not getting out of bed.
Gonff: Fine, then! I'll go eat your pudding, then! You've been warned, then!
Martin: (Couldn't care less, cause he doesn't believe him) Pssh. I couldn't care less, 'cause I don't believe you!
Narrator: HEY! I just said that!
Martin: What are you gonna do about it?
Narrator: Set a whole group of fangirls on you!
Martin: ... (Visibly pales) Okay, you win...
Gonff: (Has already walked off)
Bella: (Passing by) Hn, Martin, still in bed? –
Martin: (Interrupts) What, you got a problem with me being in bed for once? I mean, I'm always the one that's up at the crack of dawn helping you lazy lot, and when I finally get some rest you complain about it? Do you know how hard I work to - (Rambles on)
(HALF AN HOUR LATER)
Martin: -This is completely absurd! I swear there should be a law against this kind of discrimination. You hear me?
Bella: (Snoring) Zzz…
Martin: ... SEE!
Abbess Germaine: (Passing by) Hn, Martin, still in bed?
Martin: For crying out loud, not you too! Apparently there is something very wrong with beasts toda-
Abbess Germaine: SHUT UP! I get it already!
Martin: (Wimpers)
Abbess Germaine: Besides, what Bella was going to say is that Gonff was eating your pudding. Too late now though. (Shrugs and walks off)
Martin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Demonic) NO ONE EATS MY PUDDEN! (Jumps out of bed, magically clothing himself in the process, and runs down to the Entrance Hall)
Jim the Narrator: Thus we see a happy Gonff patting his bulging stomach and sighing, and a devastated Beau staring at the no longer existent food.
Beau: M'food, wot! That blighter ate me food! I WANT ME FOOD! Bad form, chap, eating a poor starving hare's food!
Jim: Any bets on his favourite word?
Gonff: (Burps) That pudding was the best… hehee…
Martin: (Runs down the stairs and roars) WHERE IS MY PUDDEN?
Beau: (Sniffs) In his disgraceful stomach, wot! (Points)
Gonff: Er, no, it wasn't me, I swear!
Martin: Spit it out, you rogue!
Gonff: (Points to ceiling) Uh, look! It says 'gullible' on the ceiling!
Beau and Martin: (Both look up) Huh? Where?
Gonff: (Dashes off in a mad surge of speed, trips on a brick, cries for five minutes, then hobbles away)
(LATER)
Skipper of Otters: (Passing by) Eh, what are ye two lookin' at?
Martin: (Has a head rush and a sore neck) Uh… Skipper, do you see the word 'gullible' on the ceiling?
Skipper: (Snorts) What is this, some sorta lame joke? I won't fall for that twice! (Stomps off)
Beau: Eh? What's wrong with that fella, wot?
Martin: Dunno. Keep looking!
(EVEN LATER)
Lady Amber Squirrel Queen: (Passing by... couldn't have guessed that, could you!) For Pete's Sake –
Pete: Yes?
Amber: Oh, stuff it. (Shoves Pete back to the nothingness he came from) Anyway, you've been standing here for – (Checks magically appearing watch) Um, 29 minutes. But still! What are you staring at?
Martin: Argh! Blood rush! (Holds head for a bit) Well, we're looking for the word 'gullible' that's supposedly written on the ceiling!
Amber: (Peeks quickly at ceiling) Really? Uh, I mean, you two DO know what gullible means, don't you?
Jim: Beau and Martin shake their poor, blood-rushed heads.
Amber: It means 'Easily tricked'.
Martin: What-? (Realizes what happened) CRAP! (Looks around) Gonff must be long gone by now!
(MEANWHILE, IN MOSSFLOWER WOODS)
Gonff: Heehee! They must've have figured that I'm long gone by now! (Trips on a tuft of grass and cries for five minutes, then hobbles off)
(BACK IN REDWALL)
Jim: And here we see Martin, Lady Amber, Beau, and Columbine running up the stairs to the parapet surrounding the abbey walls. I don't know why Columbine's here though… Ah, screw that.
Beau: (Wheezes) Well, that was quite a climb, wot!
Martin: (Panting) Curse my approaching old age! All right, where's Bella?
Jim: …Then they see Bella, who has set up a painting stand on the walls, and is painting something that wouldn't even put a Dibbun to shame while sipping on ice tea.
Bella: (Talking to a nearby brick) Alright, I'm tired of being laughed at by Martin because of my lack of artistic abilities! -
Jim: Everyone looks at Martin, who whistles and looks around innocently.
Bella: - Now, come on, Jack, stay still!
Brick: …
Bella: Stop moving around like that, I need to get better at this! (Accidentally spills dirty water used for cleaning brushes off the wall) (CENSORED CENSORED) (CENSORED AGAIN)! NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, JACK!
Jack the Brick: …
Bella: DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, YOU (CENSORED)!
Columbine: ...Perhaps she was abused as a dibbun.
All Others: (Nod in agreement)
Jim: Anyway, Martin, Beau, Amber and Columbine clap their paws to their ears as Bella continues to expand her vocabulary.Then, she notices them.
Bella: What you brain-dead idiots want!
Columbine: Martin is out to skin Gonff alive -
Bella: About time!
Columbine: -But he has to find him first. We were wondering if we could use Chibb to locate him, you know…
Bella: Well, Chibb died yesterday from suffocation. Accepted another bird's challenge to see who could make worst idiots of themselves and eat the biggest candied chestnuts…
Amber: Don't tell me... He won.
(FLASHBACK)
Chibb: BWAHAHA! I am the king of scoffing Chestnuts! Muahahah! Take that, you cigar-smoking bird! HA - (Hacks, coughs, chokes)
Cigar-smoking bird: Heh...
Chibb: (Coughs hoarsely) Some - bird -help – me!
Random Bird #1: I never liked that Chibb anyway.
Random Bird #2: You know what this means?
Chibb: (Cough) I beg your pardon?
Random Bird #2: PAAAAAARTYYY!
Random Bird: #3: I'LL GET THE POPCORN!
Cigar Smoking Bird: NYAHAHAHA! (Pelts Chibb with popcorn while chewing on his cigar)
Chibb: NOOOOO-hack-OOOOOO! (Dies)
Random Bird #1: We're gonna PARTY like it's 1995!
Random Bird #3: Can't touch this... (starts dancing somehow)
(END FLASHBACK)
All: YEEEEEAAAAAAH! Our Candied Chestnuts are finally safe and sound!
Bella: …But he can't track people down no more.
All: (Silent)
Goody Stickle: (Stomping up the parapet, all wet)
Beau: Hey, that rhymes, wot!
All: ... (Gives Beau a disgusted look)
Beau: Hmph.
Goody Stickle: WHAT THE (CENSORED) DO YOU (CENSORED) THINK YOUR (CENSORED) DOING?
Bella: (Quietly) Daddy, save me now.
Martin: (Looks at Bella strangely)
Goody Stickle: WHICH BEAST WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO DUMP THIS DIRTY PAINT WATER ON MY HEAD AND MY BEAUTIFUL NEWLY-POLISHED SPIKES!
Bella: …(Looks around innocenty while others stare hard at her)
Amber: Wait, Goody, can you help us? We're on a quest!
Goody: (Suddenly interested) Oh, really? Shoot!
Amber: Well, since Chibb ain't alive no more, we were wondering if you knew of another bird that could track down Gonff?
Goody: Hm, I think I know what you are talking about. (She puts a paw to her mouth and whistles)
Jim: Then, out of nowhere, they see a dark, blurry shape coming towards them from the woods!
Martin: It's a bird!
Beau: No way, chap, it's a plane, wot!
Columbine: It's SUPERMA - oh wait, it's a bird.
Martin: (Looks around smugly)
Jim: Not quite suddenly, a bird sucking on a foul-smelling cigar lands on the walltop.
Cigar Smoking Bird: What the hook gon' be?
Everybeast: ...
C-S-B: Well, anyway, I see you've called me, the best spy around - since Chibb died - to locate somebeast for ya! Well, you've called the right bird for the job. I'm Bob. Bird Bob. (James Bond music plays in the background)
Amber: Quit it. (Glares at beast on the ground below them playing a loud stereo)
Random Beast With Stereo: (Mumbles) Sorry. (Turns off James Bond music)
Martin: Anyway, Bob Bird –
Bird Bob: BIRD BOB!
Martin: Uh, right. I have a job for you, Bird Bib!
Bird Bob: BIIIIIIIIIIRD BOOOOOOB!
Martin: Sheesh! Bird BOB, I have a job for you!
Bird Bob: Happy, happy, joy, joy! (Flies around in circles, hits head on wall, and settles down again, seeing stars)
Martin:(Looks at Bella)...Are you SURE he's the best for the job?
Bella: (Gulps and shrugs)
Martin: Nonetheless,I want you to locate Gonff the thief, wanted for eating Martin the Warrior's precious pudding, which is an inexplicable crime! Can you do it? (Glares at Bird Bob)
Bird Bob: Yes, sir!
Martin: (Shouting) I said, can you do it!
Bird Bob: (Shouting back) YES SIR!
All the others: ...
Bella: What is it with these military types, anyway?
Beau: (Shrugs) They've been in the business for too long, wot.
Bella: (Mentally reminds herself to hide her money)
Jim the Narrator: Meanwhile, Bird Bobby –
Bird Bob: ... (Aims mallet)
Jim the Narrator: Uh, okay, Bird Bob went off to search for Gonff who was long gone by now, while the others now including Bella and Goody, stuffed themselves with popcorn, generously donated by Random Birds #1, #2 and #3. Will they find Gonff before he teases an angry fox and gets himself skinned anyway? Will Goody have to re-polish her spikes? Will someone actually care? Read on to find out!
Martin: Why did you make me look so stupid?
Storm: I was getting tired of seeing you so noble all the time.
Martin: No you weren't. You love me.
Storm: (looks around) True... (Runs away)
Martin: Pwned.