Dear Diary,

Fuck. My. Life. I get so tired of my parents bossing me around. They're always telling me what to do like: "Link, put on your tunic." Or "Link, don't listen to your music so loudly." Or "Link Don't slit your wrists in front of the younger kids." Guh, diary, they just don't understand me. They didn't grow up in an age with such problems like kids do today. All they did was fight in some epicly lame war for justice against the Ganonites. But during all of their senseless bloodshed, did they ever stop to shed a tear for the sorrows of the human heart?

I saw Zelda today. I'd ask her out, but I just know it'd rip my heart to pieces. I'm not together mentally to ask those kinds of questions to people. But I looked at her, and she looked at me, and then I looked at that guy that was standing next to her. And we went our ways.

After I saw Zelda, Ganondorf came over to bully me. I flipped my hair at him, casually, and I said, "Hey."

Then he was all like, "Hey Link. I saw you looking at Zelda earlier. Let me tell you something, tunic boy: Stay away from my girl!"

And I was all like: "She's not your girl, Ganondorf. Your name isn't written on her. Women are not your property. They are individuals in an individualistic world."

"I wasn't worried that you'd steal her or anything. I was just afraid you'd spend all your time shopping with her and I'd never get laid. So stay away, alright?"

"Ugh. Leave me alone so I can cast sorrowful eyes down this hallway." And he left.

Dear Diary,

Why are all these things happening to me? I swear to Goddesses; it's not fair! Ganondorf challenged me to a rock off today. He started blasting some Ganon's Minion death metal garbage in front of the large crowd that had appeared. I of course played a song that I wrote to the sound of my acoustic guitar. It came deep from the soul, and I really poured out my heart as I sang The Hero's Wrist.

But of course the crowd shouted, "Dorf! 'Dorf! Dorf!" Indicating that Ganon had won. Conformist bastards.

After the song, Zelda came up to me, and she was like, "Hey."

And I was like, "Hi."

And then she was like, "I liked your song. Are you going to the Nayru's Bleeding Heart concert?"

And I was like, "You know it. Their music really brings out my inner weeping goddess, not that any just kind of Goddesses exist in a world like ours."

And then she was like, "Well, maybe we can go together. I was really thinking about crying for a long spell afterwards..."

"But won't Ganondorf be crying with you?"

"No, he's got a sword fighting competition tonight. But I've gotta go to class. See you tonight, Link."

And then, these birds came out of the sky and kidnapped Zelda! Why why why?

Dear Diary,

There are no Goddesses. After I got home and called the knights, they were like, "Develop a set of balls, Link. If you see a Princess get kidnapped, it's on you to rescue her." And so I started walking off toward the Mountain Where People Die because that's where the birds live. Goddess, I got such a good vibe from that place. I just knew that Zelda was somewhere on this mountain moping about why this horrid event had happened. I love her, but I hate those zombie knights and their white picket-fenced houses!

At the summit, I saw a bird's nest. And right next to that was Zelda in a cage.

"Hold it right there, Link!" A familiar voice yelled. It was Ganondorf, standing next to the birds. "Now I've got both of you here. Fear my bird minions!"

"Ganondorf, I don't understand. Why would you kidnap your own girlfriend?" I asked. "Did you do it to show her that she can't trust anyone, not even her boyfriend? That's really sweet. I wish someone do that for me."

"I'm sure that, providing you survive this battle, some handsome man will do it for you one day. But that will not happen! For this day, I will make all three pieces of the Triforce mine!"

"Why would you want to do that?" I asked as I noticed the resonating feel coming from my hand. Those non-existent Goddesses apparently gave me a piece of the Triforce. Ugh, fuck my life. Why can't I just slit my wrists, flip my hair, and convince people that it's fashionable to emulate depression like a normal teen?

"So I can have all the power in the world and conquer Hyrule. Duh!" He answered.

"But if you get those pieces of the Triforce, they'll just leave you eventually. Everyone will."

"Well what do you mean?"

"That you can't trust anyone. Zelda? She's totally going to leave you after this. And I care, Ganondorf, but I'll probably move onto something else eventually. It's the same with the Triforce. How long will it be before someone kills you and takes it from you? And if that doesn't happen, how long will it be before the Goddesses flood Hyrule? And if that doesn't happen, won't you eventually die from old age?"

"Gee, I'd never thought about losing power. I'd only thought about getting it. That's.. depressing. Wait, no. Die Link!" He withdrew a sword and charged at me.

"But Ganondorf, wait!" He paused his charge at me. "Isn't it all pointless? You'll never make those Hylians understand. No one will ever understand you. Just accept that and feel sorrowful about it for the rest of your life."

Ganondorf began to cry as he realized how pointless and painful life really is. He fell to his knees, crying unto Din, "Why Power? Why won't they understand me?"

Because you're a dick. A thunderous roar answered.

"Oh, go away Din before we make you turn emo too!" I said to her as my conformist sense tingled.

Swear to myself Imma kill you and stop you from making new 'heroes'. And she went off to rage about how I didn't live up to her expectations or whatever.

After that, Ganondorf, Zelda, and I all went to the Naryu's Bleeding Heart concert. We engaged in a circle slit and talked about all our problems. Then we used our collective Triforce powers to make everyone realize how sad life is. I swear: High school is such a pain.