To Hell With Your Fracking!
A short story by Snakefire
All things considered, Alberta had responded fairly well to the sudden appearance of a demon and an angel in her office. Simultaneously.
It wasn't exactly a subtle appearance, either. The demon was a towering, obese figure with a red skin encrusted in glittering jewels and golden coins, shining like a disco ball and impossible to NOT notice. To top it off, he'd burst up from the carpeted office floor wreathed in hellfire and smoke, unfolding his batlike wings and peering at her with his bloodred eyes.
The angel meanwhile had appeared in the center of a dozen spinning wheels of light that had floated down from the ceiling, a tall and handsome man who rose to his full height and unfolded six pairs of pure white wings. His face was hard to get a lock on and his appearance seemed to shift, like he was fluid; one moment he'd have a beard, the next glasses, and his skin colour seemed to be smoothly transitioning between all possible human hues like an animated gradient.
Alberta blinked few times and lifted her coffee, swishing it around and taking a sniff just to check that it was still Tim Hortons and not liquid LSD.
"Well. Great. I've gone insane."
There was a matter-of-factness to her tone, a realization in her bones that this was probably the first sign of madness. Which was a strange thing, since madness was generally characterized by going batshit bonkers, and she felt just fine. Aside from a slight angel-induced headache, because that heavenly glow was painfully bright.
"GREETINGS, MORTAL. I ASSURE YOU THAT YOU'VE NOT GONE INSANE. YOU ARE OF SOUND MIND AND SOUNDER FINANCES."
The Demon's voice reverberated throughout the room, bouncing off the walls and causing Alberta to immediately clap both hands over her ears- that was deafeningly loud, and no mistake.
"MAMMON, DON'T BE A DICK…"
And of COURSE the angel was just as fucking shouty. Of fucking course.
"RIGHT. OF COURSE. FORGIVE ME, MORTAL. MY NAME IS MAMMON, AND I AM YOUR PATRON DEMON. THIS HERE-"
How had her secretary not heard this racket?
"I CAN INTRODUCE MYSELF, THANK YOU. I AM THE ARCHANGEL GABRIEL. I AM NOT YOUR PATRON ANGEL, BECAUSE I'M A BUSY MAN WITH MUCH WORK TO DO FOR THE LORD YOUR GOD."
Better yet, how had the astronauts aboard the ISS not heard their thunderous bellowing?
"I DON'T HAVE ANY MASTER SO I CAN SPEND ALL DAY EVERY DAY ROLLING IN MY PILES OF GOLD."
If Alberta went partly deaf after this, she was becoming an atheist on the spot just to spite everyone involved.
"GOOD FOR YOU, YOU FLIGHTLESS FAT FUCK. ANYWAY. MORTAL. I TRUST WE'RE NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING OF IMPORTANCE?"
"...no…"
Alberta gingerly let go of her ears, head still ringing from the noise.
"…Could you both try to talk a little quieter? You're really hurting my head, holy shit-"
Gabriel seemed genuinely remorseful at hearing this, and nodded immediately. Mammon was a lot harder to read, on account of his face being closer to a goat-serpent hybrid than a human, but it seemed he'd got the picture as well.
"My apologies, mortal. We mean you no harm."
That was…still pretty loud, but at least her ears weren't ringing with every syllable they spoke.
"Sure, fine. Let's go with that. Why the fuck are you in my office, exactly? And also- Gabriel!? As in, THE Gabriel?! The one in the Bible?"
The angel seemed to swell a bit, almost proudly, and Alberta tilted her head. Wasn't pride one of those deadly sins, the ones God really had a hate-on for? And weren't angels supposed to be mere instruments of god, devoid of free will? Wasn't that what made humans special and distinct from angels, that humans could think for themselves and know good and evil and all that shit? Or was that just some Catholic crap and her Anglican ass was safe to ignore it?
Either way, Alberta didn't really give a fuck.
It was the demon Mammon who spoke, interrupting Gabriel before he could answer the question.
"He is indeed the Gabriel mentioned in scripture…much as it pains me to admit. More importantly, though, I and this feathery fool are in your office because we require your services. In other words, mortal, we wish to hire you on as a consultant."
Alberta blinked.
"Wait, what-? You need- what the Hell do you need ME for?!"
Gabriel chuckled.
"Hell is PRECISELY what we need you for, mortal…or perhaps, if we're hiring you, we should stop addressing you as such. Miss Alberta, we require your knowledge and expertise. We require you to assist us in solving a bit of an energy crisis we're having in the afterlife."
"Okay, NOW I'm confused. Look, I go to church and read my damn book and I don't recall anything about fracking in either testament. Why the fuck do you need me, of all people?"
"Several reasons," Mammon stated, "For a start, you are as close to immortality as beings on your plane can get. This is helpful as we expect you'll want to do a survey of the site. Secondly, and most importantly, you have the extensive knowledge of liquid fire, something we desperately require. Three, you are a mortal who has a minimal stake in the conflict between יהוהand the Prince of Darkness. Therefore you are as close as we can get to a neutral party, demanded of per the rules."
Alberta blinked slowly and took another sip of coffee. She adjusted her hat and sat back in her chair, still staring at the demon blankly.
"...I'm so confused. What conflict? What rules? What am I being hired for!? What's hell got to do with it!? What do you need me to survey?! How the fuck are you going to pay- by the way, I take cash, credit, or cheque, I don't take souls or Jesus."
All of this was delivered flatly, an expression of irate confusion etched onto her face. Alberta wasn't in the mood for bullshit. As it happened, they WERE interrupting something rather important- she was in the middle of doing her taxes and calculating the precise amount she owed based on her investments and holdings, since she was loath to give the taxman a penny more than he asked.
Gabriel and Mammon looked at each other.
"Ah. Right. I apologize. Perhaps we should begin from the top. Have you perhaps read through the Book of Revelation?"
"Yeah, I mighta skimmed it…reads like a bad acid trip if you ask me. Why?"
"For it is written in the book of Revelations, "And there shall be no night there; and they need no candle, neither light of the sun; for the LORD God giveth them light: and they shall reign for ever and ever-"
"I KNOW I SAID I WOULDN'T SHOUT, BUT COULD YOU PLEASE REFRAIN FROM SPITTING OFF SCRIPTURE WHEN I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE?!"
"Ah, sorry. It's just that it's very relevant- Oh, look what you went and did! We're going to make her deaf if we keep shouting."
Alberta slowly pulled her hands off her ears, the pain-induced cringe still write large all over her face.
"Owwwww…."
"Regardless!" Gabriel blustered, opting to continue his steamroller explanation, "We in heaven have a slight problem in that the LORD is somewhat slave to the laws of thermodynamics. Put your hand down. I don't know, okay? The answer to every question you're about to ask is "the LORD moves in mysterious ways." I am literally just a messenger with a cool sword. I don't know what is going on in the mind of the LORD."
Alberta nodded slowly and hesitantly. God was slave to the Thermodynamics that He created? What?!
"The thing is…the LORD is…He is Great and Loving and Infinite, but He is also…Efficient in His work."
"You mean he's a lazy fool. What Gabriel is trying to say is that יהוהis a lazy fool. he made the universe according to a predetermined ruleset to save himself work. That rest on the seventh day? Yeah, what does an all-powerful deity need a day off for? Where I come from, we call that a 'lazy break.' But the point still stands. he is slave to the laws he created because he was too lazy to handcraft the universe. Essentially, he must follow the rules of his own design."
Alberta just stared.
"I'll ignore your blasphemy in favour of continuing my explanation. Regrettably, Mammon…is….ugh. I can't say it. I can't. But you know what I mean. He is. Not lying. In a sense. There, that's as close as I can get to admitting it. Regardless, the LORD is indeed slave to His own rules so as not to break the natural laws of His universe…mostly. There is one exception, though it is a large one. You see, while He cannot violate the Law of Conservation of Matter, He does permit Himself, (in His Infinite Grace and Wisdom) to violate the First Law of Thermodynamics in a specific manner. He may create energy briefly to relocate matter to other places in His universe. A powerful exception, I'm sure you can agree…however. He may never tamper in the same way twice, and he may only relocate a finite amount of material."
Alberta folded her arms.
"I'm beginning to think I took some bad acid. I'm also beginning to think Atheism makes some pretty good points. Revelations is a drug trip, but that? That's "Mayans did World Trade Center" levels of wacko. Why the hell would God hobble himself-"
"I don't fucking know, mortal. God moves in mysterious ways and I'm just his fucking messenger, okay?!"
"Jeez, you don't gotta be so defensive about it…"
"Gabriel may have no idea why he abides to such a ridiculously crippling ruleset, but I do. You see, יהוה and my Master, the Prince of Darkness, are engaged in something of a stalemate. They are both bound by rules governing their little game. My Master is only allowed to use indirect and ludicrously subtle means to try and tempt the souls of the innocent, and he is only allowed to use his angels and faith to spread his word. Put your hand down, I don't know either. Lucifer moves in mysterious ways, okay?"
Alberta groaned.
"Is that your version of "I'm-not-racist-but"? Because it sure as hell sounds like it."
"N-no!"
Mammon and Gabriel both spoke at once, their unison identical in suspiciously strong denial.
The prairie province rolled her eyes and folded her arms.
"Okay, so let's cut the shit. Basically, God can't teleport or manipulate physical matter the same way twice and Satan's gotta pretend like he doesn't exist. Because that's totally a fair fight. Anyway. The fuck does this have to do with me, and that passage of the Bible Gabriel was spouting off earlier?"
Mammon rubbed his taloned hands together gleefully at this question, a demonic grin widening on his face and revealing hundreds of misshapen, daggerlike teeth.
"It's all very simple, my dear Alberta. You see, his New Jerusalem is illuminated by his light. Except. He's only allowed to do it a finite amount. To keep his holy fire burning, he needs fuel. A good source of fuel is petroleum. And as you might know, petroleum can have a sulfur impurity in it-"
"Turning it into sour gas and blah blah blah. It's got H2S, Dihydrogen Sulfide, Silent Murder Gas in it. Yes. I know. I've drilled more holes for that shit than you have rubies glued to your ass crack. I've taken the H2S safety training course so many fucking times I can practically sing along with the instructor at this point. Basically what you're saying is, God nicked a shitton of petroleum off someone and has been burning that for energy ever since. Where did he get the fuel in the first place and what do you need me for?"
Mammon huffed indignantly, folding his arms and snorting smoke out of his nostrils. Nevertheless, the Demon of Greed continued.
"he 'nicked' as you say, his original supply of fuel from us. From the Hell he created for The Lord of Shadow. The Lake Of Fire in which all sinners burn? That, my dear Alberta, is a lake of liquid petroleum with a sulfur impurity, set ablaze and fed by gargantuan pockets of natural gas, trickling in like underground springs. But now he has run out of fuel for his fire, Miss Alberta, and we in hell are tired of burning for all eternity. So after centuries of negotiation, we have arrived at a compromise."
Mammon pointed a talon straight at the province and flared his leathery wings, flapping them once with a sound like a thunderclap that shook the building's very foundation.
"You will use your expertise, mortal, and help us in Hell tap our resource to export to heaven. This will, for us, result in a draining of the Lake of Fire and the creation of Oasis in the agony…and Heaven shall receive the fuel it so desperately needs. And you? As payment for your services, we will divert a quantity of our production towards refilling gas pockets and wells across your province that have been depleted or drained. THAT will be Hell's payment to you, Miss Alberta."
"And Heaven shall pay in the form of mercy for your actions. Your consultation will be stricken from your record, and you will retain your ability to ensure your name is listed in the Book of Life. We cannot offer you currency as that would be (in a roundabout way,) a Lie, and Lies are forbidden by the Ten Commandments."
"I'm gonna say it- Hell's getting the raw end of the deal here. Any chance you could, I dunno, bring Lougheed back from the dead?"
"Absolutely not."
"Eh, it was worth a shot…anyway. Fine, I accept. We'll negotiate specific amounts later, but for now, we need to talk project specs. What exactly do you guys want me to design for you?"
A/N:
Is there any interest in me continuing this? IDK, probably not. I just wanted to write it.
Sincere apologies for pissing on the Bible here, I just had a bunch of thoughts and decided to write them down.
Leave a review if you liked it or if you think I need Jesus.