Yey! You've come to check out my story!
I have been reading too many romantic novels recently, mostly tragic love stories. They somewhat inspired me to write this fic. Well, I am currently in the middle of another, non-AU RK fic, but the idea for this fic kept interrupting so that it became kind of hard to finish a chapter for "Promises from the Past." So I finally decided to write this down. I'm posting this because I'm really curious if there is an actual future for this story.
If this story resembles any of the other stories you've read or written, I'm really sorry but it is an actual original idea of mine. All I can say in addition is "Great Minds Think Alike"…and perhaps your mind is greater than mine…
And well, I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or anything connected to it. Yeah, ain't it sad?
But anyway, here is…
For YouWe were standing beside the Sakura tree that a long time ago we've adopted as our own. The breeze was blowing softly through the branches and some delicate white petals were falling down to settle on her hair, her shoulders.
She was going to say it.
I saw it in her eyes, even as she tried to avoid mine.
She was finally going to tell me.
And I didn't want her to.
I tried to stop her by saying, "Don't say it."
She looked at me then. And I saw the hurt in her eyes.
But I still didn't want her to say it.
"You know," she said, softly.
I nodded my head, "Yes. Sano told me."
I saw her brows come together, and I knew she was angry at me.
After all, I've seen her angry often enough.
I've known her for most of my life.
Her chin went up and she looked me straight in the eye, "And you never told me you knew?"
Okay, I deserved that but I felt that I had to defend myself, "You never told me."
With that statement I realized the sheer idiocy of my defense.
She smiled sarcastically, "I thought you didn't want me to."
That was true. I didn't want her to say it.
I already was with somebody great.
And she knew it. She knew how I felt about Tomoe.
Wasn't she the one I told about the first time I saw Tomoe? Wasn't she the one who helped me realize how special Tomoe was to me? Wasn't she the one who convinced me to go after Tomoe?
She's my best friend but I don't want her to say it.
She has been my best friend ever since I was eight and she was six.
A little girl with a wild mane of jet-black hair and two sapphire pools as eyes.
***
She was sitting on one of the swings in the schoolyard. She desperately tried swing but her feet were too short and she couldn't get a good push to get a swinging motion.
I was watching her from the monkey bars and I was thinking that she should just ask somebody to help her. But I sensed the stubborn streak in her that refused to get help from anybody.
Six years old and already Miss Independent.
But I could see that she really wanted to swing. And without a second thought, I walked over there, and began to push.
She looked at me, startled. I knew she wanted to protest, but I just kept on pushing her.
Strangely enough, she let me. She didn't say anything. She didn't do anything to indicate I should stop. So I kept pushing.
Eventually, she picked up the rhythm herself and let her body maintain the swinging motion. I watched her for a few moments.
She had her eyes closed. She looked like she was concentrating on something.
Then she smiled. I remember thinking that she was real pretty when she smiled. And in the same breath denying to myself that I had such thoughts. She was a girl, after all.
Feeling that there was no point for me to stay any longer, I turned and was about to walk back to the monkey bars.
"Wait," I heard her say. I turned to look at her.
She stopped swinging and was just sitting there again on the swing. I waited for her to continue.
She looked at me intensely and said, "I know you."
I shrugged my shoulders as if I didn't care.
She frowned at me and continued, "You're the boy who beat up Makoto Shishio 'coz he was picking on Yahiko."
Well, my fight with Shishio was sort of a school legend now. After all, it got him a bloody nose and a weeklong detention for me. And that was just one of the many fights I was in ever since I came to this school.
"Kids told me that you are very good at fighting and stuff. They're kinda afraid of you. They also told me you had red hair, but I never thought that it was such pretty hair," she went on.
I scrunched up my face at her calling my hair 'pretty'. I was a boy after all! Boys weren't pretty and definitely did not have 'pretty' hair.
"I'm going back to the monkey bars, " I told her grumpily because she told me I had pretty hair.
She just looked at me and shrugged. Then she hopped off the swings and went for the monkey bars herself.
I remember feeling a bit put out by her because she was invading 'my space'. I was about to tell her that I didn't want her there, when she started speaking again.
"You know, fighting is bad. And being a bully is even badder."
I looked at her and realized that after that Shishio incident, she was the first kid in school who had voluntarily talked to me.
Most of the kids avoided me, even those who used to pick on me. I guess after countless fights and giving my opponents bloody noses and such, I have become sort of notorious. And after beating Shishio, the biggest, meanest bully of them all, I guess I became the premiere bully on campus. My temper didn't help. I always had been a bit wild.
But there she was, talking to me. And calling me bad.
My temper flared up. I was getting angry at her. How dare she criticize me! I was about to give her the cut when she spoke again.
"I don't like fighting. It isn't nice. But it was kinda cool of you to beat Shishio. He was mean. He deserved that bloody nose. Wish I could have given him that one."
At that, I was taken aback. First, she says bullying is bad, and then admires how I beat up Shishio. Strange little creature.
"Hey, I bet you can't do the chicken," she suddenly said. She smiled at me tentatively, shyly.
Confused and curious, I asked her, "What's the chicken?"
And oddly enough, in that moment, our friendship began.
***
"Aish'teru, Kenshin," she said, softly.
There. She had said it. Put her emotions into words and said it.
And I still wish she hadn't.
She looked at me, with those big sapphire eyes, her emotions as clear as the summer sky written in them.
Part of me wished that I could tell her I loved her too.
I did love her…just not the way she wanted me to.
So I said the only thing that I could, "I'm sorry."
I saw the pain and sadness come into her beautiful eyes.
I've hurt her. I wanted to take my words back, but they had been said.
I tried to make things better, "Hey, I'm really flattered that you…I mean, you're a great girl and any guy would be lucky if he…if you…I mean, I love you, just not the way you…"
I stopped, because I saw that this wasn't making it better. It rather made me sound like an idiotic, arrogant, insensitive lout.
I racked my brain for something to say that would make this situation better, but I found nothing.
After all, what are you supposed to say to the girl who you consider the bestest friend you ever had, that you don't love her the way she does?
Then I saw her smile, a sad smile, but still a beautiful smile. And something in me shifted.
"It's okay Kenshin, you don't have to say anything," she said to me.
She knew me. She knew that I'd be searching for some way to make this better.
I gave it one last shot, "I really am sorry."
I saw her wince and I wanted to kick myself. That wasn't what I wanted to say to her!
Although, it was what I felt like. Actually, it felt more like guilt. I wasn't exactly sure why I was feeling guilty.
Perhaps, I felt guilty because I couldn't return her love.
She had been so good to me, the best thing that could have happened in my life….and I should have fallen in love with her….
Yet here I was, apologizing to her because I hadn't. Not the way she wanted me to.
Then I saw her looking at me. Intense, focused. As if she was absorbing every detail of me.
And something else over rid the strange guilt in me.
To dispel the fear that was taking over, I hastily and somewhat jokingly said, "But hey, nothing has changed, right? I mean, you and I are still buds, right?"
And there it was again, that sad, tragic smile.
"No Kenshin, this changes everything."
She said it with such finality. And I knew it to be true.
Her confession had changed everything.
And unbidden, I felt anger rise up in me.
Anger at her.
How dare she change what we had!
How dare she destroy our friendship! If only she could have kept her feelings to herself!
There was no going back now! She messed it up! She messed a good thing up! How dare she!
"Don't be angry, Kenshin," she said, in that soft tragic voice of hers.
Resentment and guilt taking the better of me I said, "Why? Why did you have to say it? Why couldn't you just have kept it to yourself?"
She looked at me, shrugged her shoulder, "Because…I had to…"
I looked at her, wanting to believe that things didn't have to change, knowing that they would, "Why would you destroy our friendship like this? Doesn't it mean anything to you?"
She looked at me, but this time there was something different in her eyes.
I recognized that it was anger. She was angry at me?
"I had to tell you Kenshin, because it would have destroyed our friendship!"
I looked at her, not comprehending.
She looked briefly away, before saying, "Do you know how it feels to love somebody so much that it hurts?"
I didn't answer, I was unable to.
She looked away, into the distance, before continuing, "I've loved you for such a long time…first as a friend…and then, well, more than a friend…"
She smiled bitter-sweetly, and I had the urge to tell her to shut-up, I didn't want to hear more!
But she went on, "At first, it was enough for me that you were my friend…I didn't want to ruin our friendship…I knew that if I told you of my feelings that it would change things…"
"Then why tell me?" I asked again.
She frowned slightly, "Then I realized that a part of me wanted you to love me back…that friendship wasn't enough… That I wanted you to have the same feelings for me that I have for you…I thought I could make you love me, I really did…Then you met Tomoe…and I wanted to kill you or her or both of you…" she laughed bitterly, as she looked at me, pain and something else in her eyes.
"But you encouraged me to go after her…you're the one who made it possible for us to get together…" I said in confusion.
"Well, that's my perversion," she answered, "Even as I wanted you for myself, I wanted you to be happy…she made you happy…"
I looked at her and in my confusion, I realized that I didn't recognize this person.
She looked at me sadly again, "I don't like the person I've become, Kenshin. I've become jealous, petty, covetous…obsessive. I don't want to be this person anymore Kenshin. That's why I needed to tell you. Put an end to this madness…"
I remember the day Sano told me that she loved me.
***
It was a week before the Tanabata festival. She and I had made it a sort of tradition to celebrate this festival by sitting on the rooftop of her house and to look for the two stars that were the symbols for the legend.
This year, however, I had other plans. Or rather, plans had been altered for me.
Tomoe, who was a skilled painter, was having a small exhibition at an art gallery. Her work had been chosen because the gallery owner had been present at our school's art exhibit. It so happened that Tomoe had been showing paintings of the night sky. The gallery owner had been so impressed by her paintings that she had offered her a spot in her art show on Tanabata Day.
As her new boyfriend, I, of course, had been really enthusiastic and supportive and promised to be there on that night. Unfortunately, I had forgotten about the Tanabata tradition with my best friend until a week before the festival and the show.
However, I was confident that she would understand. After all, she had been my greatest supporter in my 'courtship' of Tomoe.
As I had picked her up that morning at her house, as I always did, even after I had gone steady with Tomoe, I was still trying to find a way to best broach the change of plans. I was confident that she'd understand, but I also knew that I should tread sensitively. After all, a nine-year old tradition wasn't such an easy thing to break.
On our way to school, Sanosuke and Megumi joined us, as they always did. Things between the two had gotten a bit weird lately. They used to tease each other endlessly giving off the impression that they hated each other, but in the last couple of weeks, they had been seen sneaking off together. Well, it had been bound to happen.
As we were walking, Megumi said, "Hey, Ken-san, you must be really excited about your girlfriend being such a famous painter…"
I smiled as I answered, "Well, Tomoe-chan isn't that famous yet…but I bet she will be someday…this art show may be something good for her…"
Of course I was excited and proud and well, if I may say so, arrogantly pleased that I was dating Tomoe.
She was one of the most beautiful girls at school. She also was very intelligent, very talented and very sought after.
And that she was dating me…well, too bad for the other guys…
"What art show?" my best friend suddenly asked me.
Surprised, I looked at her, "The one I told you about, remember? Last week…"
She frowned a little, "Oh, that one…"
At that moment, Sanosuke put his hand on my shoulder and suggestively asked, "So Kenshin, after the show, where're you and the lady going to celebrate…or should I ask how?"
Megumi gave him a whack on the head, "You are such a hentai!"
Sanosuke straightened and looked at Megumi, "What? In case you don't remember, the show's on Tanabata Day…a festival that celebrates the illicit love of two star crossed lovers…"
Megumi rolled her eyes, "Okay, if you say it that way, it does sound mildly romantic…"
"The show's on Tanabata Day?" she again suddenly asked.
I looked at her, a bit confused, "Well, yes, I told you that, haven't I? It starts at eight in the evening."
She looked at me, a bit lost, "At eight…"
Figuring that this was as good a time as any, I said, "That's something I wanted to talk to you about. See, Tomoe asked me to come to the show and I said yes."
I was hoping that she would fill in the rest but she was looking at me so I continued, "And that's why I won't be able to come to your house this year for the you know…"
"But it's tradition," she said, a bit forlornly.
I kind of felt like a heel but this was important to me and I hoped she'd understand, "I know, but this is really important to Tomoe and I want to be there for her…you understand, don't you?"
For a brief second, I saw something that looked like anger cross her features but in the next instant she took a deep breath and pasted a bright smile on her face.
Smiling at me, she said, "Sure, I understand. That's okay, really."
"Are you sure?" I asked her, although I was relieved that she saw it my way.
"Of course I am! It's just that it would be our tenth year and I had planned something special…but never mind…this is really important to you, so it's okay, I don't mind…"
Then she suddenly turned and walked off. Megumi looked at me for a second then at Sanosuke before she hurried after her.
Confused and a bit disconcerted by what just happened, I looked at Sanosuke for answers.
He shook his head, and said, "Dude, don't look at me for answers…it is kinda hard for her to be in love with you, since you have Tomoe and everything…"
"What?" I asked him, startled by his statement.
"I think I shouldn't've said that…Megumi's going to kick my ass for that later…" Sano said a bit sheepishly.
"What do you mean it's kinda hard for her to be in love with me?" I asked him.
Sanosuke looked at me, "Well, it is."
I laughed at that, "She isn't in love with me!"
Sanosuke cocked his head, "Yeah you're right, she isn't."
He started walking. I stood there for a few seconds, before I hurried after him.
We walked side by side for a few seconds in silence, before I said, "She's really in love with me."
Sanosuke glanced at me, "I should've kept my mouth shut."
I looked at him and said, "Yeah, you should have…"
So she was in love with me. My best friend was in love with me. It boggled the mind, confused the senses. It was going to change everything.
"What do you think I should do?" I asked him.
"Do you really want my opinion?" Sanosuke asked, dubiously.
"Strangely enough, yes," I answered. And it was the truth. I didn't know what I should do.
Sanosuke looked at me seriously, "Don't tell her that you know."
I frowned, "Why?"
"Are you in love with her?" he asked instead.
When I didn't answer the question, he said, "Look, if she finds out that you know, she's just going to be embarrassed. Besides, if you tell her you know, you're whole friendship is going to be kaput."
"Isn't me knowing ruining our friendship as well?" I asked him, confused.
"Listen man, at the end of this year, you're leaving for college…that's going to give you a lot of distance from each other…if you don't tell her that you know and she never mentions that she is in love with you, I think you're going to get through this with some of your friendship in tact…do you really want to ruin your friendship?"
When I shook my head, Sanosuke put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Listen man, sometimes the best thing to do is let lying dogs sleep…"
***
Well, the lying dogs were certainly up now.
I looked at her, wanting to go back in time, change everything that had happened since that day Sano had told me.
"Where do we go from here?" I asked her.
Again, that sad smile as she answered, "Our separate ways."
That wasn't an acceptable answer. This couldn't be the end.
"We don't have to, you know…" I said, desperately trying to keep things as they were.
I wasn't prepared to lose her.
"Yes, Kenshin, we do," she said.
I wanted to interrupt her but she continued, "I love you," I winced and she smiled at that, "Hey, I love you but I don't expect you to love me back…well, I want you to but I don't expect you to…"
I wanted to interrupt again but she held her hand up, "Listen, let me say this. Being around you is just going to make it worse. I would want you so much to see me as something more than just a friend until I'd resent you if you don't…and I know you will probably never see me more than just a friend…besides, you have Tomoe and she is really great and as much as I want to hate her, I can't because she makes you really, really happy. And I want you to be happy, I truly do. So this is the only way I know I can keep myself from doing anything really stupid that's going to make you, Tomoe and me miserable."
A petal landed on her nose, and she flicked it away before continuing, "Besides, it's too painful to watch you and Tomoe act all lovey-dovey around each other. I'm in love with you, but not a masochist. Telling you of my feelings was perhaps selfish of me, it must be a burden to you, but I can't help but be a little selfish. I only wanted to tell you so that maybe after I did, I can start getting over you. And the best way to do that is by going our separate ways. This is really the best for us Kenshin."
I took a deep breath, "So what, we're no longer friends?"
"Do you want us to no longer be friends?" she asked instead.
"No," I answered, simply. Because that was the truth. Even after this, I still wanted to be friends with her.
She smiled at me, that tentative, shy smile of hers, "I guess we'll always be friends, in some way."
"Do you know what today is?" I asked her. It was totally irrelevant but I wanted to stall for time, knowing that soon it would be goodbye.
She smiled, "Yes. It's Tanabata Day. I guess Orihime-san and Kengyu-san won't be meeting tonight in the sky with us watching."
I tried for levity, "What a day to break traditions and friendships, huh?"
But as an attempt it severely failed.
The breeze became stronger and the branches of the Sakura tree started to sway in the ancient wind dance.
Sakura petals started to fall, on me, on her.
And in that moment, I thought her so beautiful, that it took my breath away. Something inside of me shifted again.
And in the same moment I knew that that was it. Goodbye.
"I wish I…I really…I…" I tried to tell her how much I regretted that it had to end this way.
But she put a finger on my lips to silence me, "Don't make this harder than it already is."
But I couldn't let this end without saying anything, so I said the one thing I could, "Thank you."
For being my friend. For loving me. For being such a wonderful person.
Then it hit me. Instead of feeling anger or regret that she loved me, I should be thankful that someone like her would love me. I should feel humbled that this beautiful, spirited, intelligent, generous, complex woman loved me.
And I did feel grateful and humbled.
I wanted to tell her that but all that came out was, "Thank you."
And maybe she understood, for she smiled, "You're welcome, Kenshin."
There we stood, looking at each other, knowing that this really was it.
Another petal landed on her nose, and this time I reached out to flick it off. Before I could withdraw my hand, she took hold of it with her hands and gently kissed the back of it.
"Sayonara, Kenshin," she said softly.
Then she let go of my hand, turned and walked away.
As she neared the end of the path, where it intersected with the main road, I saw her stop.
And for one heart stopping moment, I thought she would turn back and come running back towards me.
But then she lifted her face to the sky, and I knew that she had her eyes closed and she was smiling, exactly like the way she had on that day on the swing when I first met her.
Then she looked ahead, squared her shoulders and walked on.
And as the petals kept raining down on me, I realized two things.
I hadn't said goodbye to her.
And that I lied about not being in love with Kaoru.
Should this be continued?
___
I sort of have an idea where this is going, but I thought I should solicit your opinions first.
So, I hope you go on and send a review for this.
If you like it…then, yey for me!
And if you don't…feel free to flame me! I've got my flame-retardant underwear on! And some nice big marshmallows and some chocolate bars and some graham crackers and my guitar to sing camp fire songs with!
Neeway, looking forward to your feedback,
Your humble scribe,
Lillienne
*Tanabata Day My sources tell me it's celebrated on July 7. According to legend it's the day that the stars Orihime (Vega) and her lover Kengyu (Altair) meet in the skies over Japan. The 7th day of the 7th month is the only day the two lovers are permitted to see each other since they had allowed their love to interfere with their heavenly tasks. And I'm using the Japanese school year, which according to my sources runs from April through March, in case you wondered.