It had been an exhausting week. Having Amelia back from Mexico had just been one more thing to add to her list of worries. She had brought Amelia home with her once again without question. It was an unspoken assumption between them. Amelia hadn't even tried to fight her on it, which instead of alleviating Addison's concerns it just worried her. She should be thrilled that the younger woman had accepted her offer without a fight, but all she could focus on was how wrong it felt for Amelia to do something the easy way.
It was the kind of pressure she accepted, but didn't want. Amelia didn't make things harder, but she felt responsible. Not just for looking out for the younger woman - though she did try to avoid smothering her- but also to help her patch things up with Derek. Addison knew the younger woman was avoiding facing Derek because she feared his rejection, but she also knew ignoring the problem wouldn't solve anything.
They had always been close, Derek and Amelia. Then Addison and Derek got married and that put a strain on things. It wasn't just her that Derek had pushed Amelia, like Addison, to the back burner for the sake of his career. She and Amelia had become close back then, but that didn't make it any easier when Derek stopped making Amelia a concern of his. Addison knew that it wasn't her fault, but she still wanted things to become right for them once more. Amelia deserved that. She may have been the black sheep of the family, but Amelia was more vulnerable than she let them see. All she wanted was to not feel so alone with the people who were supposed to love her.
Addison had never been close to her family, she didn't know what that was like. Maybe that was part of why this ate at her so much. She had seen what Derek's family had been like and even though Amelia was always floating on the outer edges of family relations, she and Derek had been close once.
Addison hadn't known Amelia before her father's death, but she'd seen the deterioration of what was left of the innocent girl that had been lost that day. She had seen the difference between Amelia and the other Shepherd girls. It was the same detachment that came over Derek when he pulled back from something difficult.
Years later, Addison could see that the younger woman's trust issues had increased. She was stubborn, hell-bent on proving she could do anything by herself, and still quick to lose her temper, run away, avoid discomfort, or push people away. It wasn't just the fear or defense mechanisms. It was something deeper. Amelia didn't just not want to be loved. Addison was worried that the younger woman didn't know how to let anyone love her. Addison, starved for love herself, couldn't imagine what that must feel like.
Putting the book that she hadn't been actually reading, on the nightstand, Addison made sure her alarm was set and then turned off the light. She thought about the younger woman across the hall and sighed heavily, trying to rid her mind of the what-ifs running through her head.
After about twenty minutes, Addison finally succumbed to sleep. She was worn out and even the worry couldn't hold off the exhaustion. It didn't matter that Amelia wasn't hers to fix. She wanted to. Having little control over the situations in her own life, it was almost refreshing to worry about something else for a chance. Besides, she wanted her friend back. She wanted Amelia to know that nothing would ever change how she felt about her.
Addison didn't hear her bedroom door open, or feel the mattress sink. She didn't hear the younger woman take in a sharp breath of air, as she climbed under the covers next to her. She wasn't aware of how the younger girl nervously watched her for several moments with fear and loneliness in her eyes.
It wasn't until the younger woman was curling up behind her, knees tucked behind her own that she started to wake. She felt the person behind her try to move closer and began to look over her shoulder. That was when she felt Amelia drop her forehead against Addison's shoulder and shake her head no.
She could come in here. She could expose her own vulnerability. She could trust Addison not to judge her. She just couldn't look her in the eye as she broke out of her own comfort zone and admit that she needed more. It was just easier to hang on quietly without having to face that kind of vulnerability.
Reaching behind her, Addison found Amelia's hand and pulled it around her body. Lifting it to her mouth, she kissed it gently and nodded. "You're safe," she whispered, pulling their hands down in front of her chest and squeezing it reassuringly. "I'm not going anywhere," she promised. Amelia clutched a handful of her shirt and hugged against her. Addison didn't let go. She could feel Amelia's trembling and the back of her shirt getting damp with tears, but she didn't say anything else. She didn't need to.
Amelia had told her what she needed without words. She had reached out. Maybe that was enough. It was a start at least and one that Addison wasn't willing to force further. This was the closest thing to allowing herself to be loved that Amelia had shown in a long time. So for now, she wouldn't push. She wouldn't ask for more. She would just let the younger woman show her what she needed and start with that. Hopefully the rest would fall into place in time.