Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda / Zeruda no Densetsu. It's owned by Nintendo(u). I don't own Ray of Light or Madonna.
But, I do sort of own Link because he's my very own personal slave!
Notes: This story takes place at the end of Ocarina of Time, but assuming that Gannon wasn't sent into the dimension thingy. And, that Zelda didn't send Link back to the past.
Kutabare - Very rude Japanese way to say: Die!
The Insipid Attack of Gannondorf
(Ganondorufu no Ajikinai Chou Kougeki)
By: Mr. Popo's Servant
Once upon a time, there was a boy named Link. He lived in Linkville. Link was a bad boy. Once he chased a chicken. And what worse, he's even squished an innocent spider!
Gannondorf, the King of Attackville, didn't like this boy. So, he decided to call all of his troops and attack Linkville! All the people that lived in Linkville fled the city! Gannon was angered by the sheer audacity of that. So, he said, "How dare you flee this city while I'm attacking it!? You're supposed to stay here and die, you insolent milksops!" because he wanted to know why they were running away.
In response, they said, "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
Soon, news of Gannon's dastardly deeds reached the fair Princess Zelda. The guy told her that it was the most horrible battle ever and that people were being killed. It was so exciting. Everyone was in danger of losing their lives. As she was being informed, she grew perturbed. Then, she became miffed! She wasn't very pleased at all. In fact, she became so cross that her preternatural instincts took over her entire being. And, her eyes turned red, and her hair grew snakes out of it, and she grew to be fifty feet tall, and lightning started shooting out of her buttocks! Then, she flew away.
The battle was dying down in Linkville. Gannon was winning and everything was coming up daisies for him. But, wait a minute. What's this? Up in the sky… It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Superman. No, it's Zelda! Next thing you know, Linkville is no more!
But, Zelda's evil rampage of fury didn't stop there. No, after that, she attacked the whole world!
Everything was plunged into darkness and despair. Yet, low and behold, Zelda's reign of terror finally came to an end when she ran out of gas. Turns out she forgot to have another helping of beans that day.
So, Zelda was in that big Hylian field, walking back to her castle, when she saw Link. There he was, hugging and kissing on Malon! And, her eyes started shooting bolts of fire again. And, her hair turned back into snakes again. And, she grew to be fifty feet tall again! And, lightning started coming out of her booty again!
She picked up Link and said, "You're mine. And, if you won't marry me, I'm gonna eat you!"
Link fearlessly looked her straight in the eye and said, "AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
Malon said, "Only music can sooth the savage beast." So, she started singin that "Ooooo, Oooooo" song. But, it didn't work.
And Saria showed up and said, "No. That won't work," because it wouldn't work. And she said, "Sing along while I play my ocarina!" and she played her ocarina.
And Malon sang:
"A heifer in the sky, alright, I wonder,
Through my tiers of morning, sinking in my son,
This goddess of a universe completely,
Thor, the god of thunder, threatens everyone.
And I feel, like a disco whore. And, I feel…"
This made Zelda get sleepy. She fell to the ground with a thud... BAM! And, pinned Link beneath her. It was so exciting.
But, no one cared about Link because he was bad. Did I mention that one time he stepped in a mud puddle? It's true! And, then he tracked it in the house! For shame!
So, everyone celebrated that the Messiah of Silence (a.k.a. Princess Zelda) was finally at peace. They had a party where they served cake and ice cream. And, some Deku nuts!
But, all of a sudden, out of no where, Gannondorf appeared before them and ejaculated, "KUTABARE~~~~~~~~!"
And, they all did.
And that's how Gannon attacked and killed EVERYONE!!!!!
THE END!
(Or is it…?)
I think it turned out pretty good, but I got confused at that one part while I was writing because I get confused easily. I forgot what I was writing about during a part of it, but I don't think it was very noticeable. What do you think?
Oh, here's the story translated into Japanese. But, I can't find good translators, so it's kind of messed up at that one part where that stuff happens. And, it's a lot shorter:
Ganondorufu no Ajikinai Chou Kougeki
(Gannondorf's Wearisome Super Attack)
Mukashi mukashi, Rinku to iu shounen de gozarimasu. Rinku-mura ni ikitteru. Rinku ha warui shounen de, aru toki, tori wo oikaketa. Omakeni, inosento na kumo mo konagona ni kudakimashita!
Kougeki-mura no ou no Ganondorufu ni ha kono shounen ha kirai nan da! Dakara, Rinku-mura wo yattsukeru tame ni zenchuutai wo yonda! Rinku-mura ni ikitteru hitobito ha mura kara tobisata! Dakara, Ganon ga okotta! Kore wo hontou ni yonderu ka? Anata-tachi ha? Wakaru? Wakaranai? Kore ga yomenai to omou...
Dakara...
OWARI!
(Desu ka...?)