A/n: Just catching up on Supergirl, again, and I just had to. I had to. Dedicated to Hope, who said, "GIVE ME THAT BOY NEXT DOOR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE CUTE DORK IN THE SWEATER. DO IT. DO IT NOW." and who will sit in this lonely little trashpile with you for betaing!
This takes place after 1x17 "Manhunter", at about 5 minutes into 1x18 "World's Finest" and therefore ignores all the events from that point on. XD As of writing & publishing this, I haven't watched farther than that – I had to stop and get this out. So, I assume, consider this AU from there on.
Cupcakes
"Well, let me tell you," says Cat, circling her desk. "Cupcakes like these – they don't last. They get snatched up and devoured, and if you don't act fast, so will he."
"Miss Grant…" Kara flushes and tries to back out of the conversation.
"Keera, if you haven't caught on by now, I am trying to make a parallel between this box of cupcakes and your non-existent love life."
There is no way Kara is taking relationship advice from Cat Grant. And no way she's talking to her boss about her complicated, mixed up feelings for James and the whole Lucy situation.
"I'm not…" says Kara. "That comfortable talking about this with you."
And she is super, super not doing it at work while getting advice in the form of a crappy analogy about cupcakes.
"But if I did…"
Sometimes she just can't help herself.
Kara turns around to face Cat again. "James said he needs to think, but... what is that? Time to talk himself out of it?"
Cat levels her gaze at Kara. "Keer-ra. I wasn't talking about James."
Kara blinks, completely thrown. Even though she has super hearing, she isn't sure she heard the woman right. "Then… who else would you be talking about?"
Cat rolls her eyes and lets out the kind of deep, heavy, long-suffering sigh Kara has come to know so well. The kind that says "could you really be more stupid" and "what did I do to deserve this".
"You claim to be smart, don't you?" Cat asks blandly. "Do try and figure it out." She flicks her hand towards the door in a dismissive gesture and returns her focus to the papers spread across her desk.
Kara opens her mouth to ask for further clarification but Cat's hand goes up in another anticipatory flick, so she wisely clamps her lips together and backs out of the room. She's already forgotten about the – okay, yes, perfect and stunning – cupcakes by the time she settles at her desk.
So, she's been battling feelings for James for months, and sure, she thought she was doing an okay job of keeping those feelings more or less to herself at the office, but they were probably written all over her face anyways because she's never been good at hiding her strongest emotions even though she's supposed to and so Cat must know about James by now, especially after Lucy and him broke it off, and Kara hasn't exactly been completely subtle now that she really thinks about it, and –
Kara closes her eyes and inhales slowly to stop her racing thoughts. Stressing out over some Cat comment is never a worthy use of time. Cat makes a lot of comments and a lot of them are meaningless or self-involved somethings disguised as sharp advice. So Kara shakes it off and gets back to work.
Sometime around mid-afternoon, Winn stops by her desk with a cup of tea.
"Thanks," says Kara and accepts it gratefully. She hasn't been able leave her desk since she ran out for Cat's lunch and she's been dying for something to drink. It's a green tea blend with a hint of lemon – her favorite.
"No problem," Winn replies. He offers her a quick smile and sips his coffee.
"How's Siobahn doing?" Kara asks – because it's polite and it's the nice thing to do. Besides, her history with Siobahn aside, something insane is going on with her, and she genuinely wants to know.
Winn exhales like he's been holding his breath all day and can't hold it in another second. "I don't know, Kara."
He glances over his shoulder to check that the rest of the office is bustling out of earshot. He eyes the closed doors to Cat's glass office before he continues, lowering his voice anyways. Kara's smile is small and encouraging, urging him to go on.
"The DEO has no idea what happened, and neither does she, and neither do I, and…" He gives his head a shake and sets his coffee mug down on her desk. His hands tremble and he covers the fact by shoving them in his pockets. "It was completely impossible and they're still saying she's one hundred percent human – but how can she be?"
"I don't know…" Kara's at a loss, too. The only powered people she's ever known are extra-terrestrial.
"And okay, if she somehow isn't, then I – then we – that really messes with my head. Like it was only a couple of – but still, I just..." He yanks his hands out of his pockets to run his hands over his face. "I mean, it was one thing being in love with – " He stops short and practically snatches up his coffee, almost sending it spilling down his front.
"I'm sure it'll be fine," Kara says hastily.
She doesn't want to acknowledge the word love with Winn. She can't – hasn't been able to for months. It makes her picture the way he crumbled before her in the apartment, or again at his desk, and they've never been the same since. It makes her question too much and it makes her heart pound and she can't think about that word or she might crumble too.
"It'll be fine, yeah," he agrees. "I should probably get back to work…"
"She'll be okay and you guys can…" Kara laughs nervously when she can't finish the sentence.
Winn's cheeks flush and were this six months ago, when she knew him better than she knew herself, she would've called the look embarrassed. But not the good kind of embarrassed when a pal teases another about their sex life. Bad embarrassed, like he can't stand what she thinks of him. (If she thinks of him at all.)
Winn's laugh is pretty forced and he almost misses his chair when he sits down at his desk. He turns his back to her and sets his coffee mug down too hard.
She wishes she could find the right thing to say to him, like she used to – unless she didn't ever say the right things but he didn't notice? Her stomach clenches and more than anything, she wants things to be back to the way they were with her and Winn.
I just want to pretend that that kiss never happened.
Kara sips her tea and gets back to filing and answering phones.
After a few weeks, the DEO is no closer to answers on Siobahn's strange and sudden ability. Understandably, she's freaking out and pretty much hasn't stopped since it happened. Following another extensive round of tests with zero helpful results, Siobahn storms out of the briefing room again.
Winn follows. "Siobahn, wait!"
Kara winces. She wishes there was something she could do to help. Siobahn may have been completely nasty to her in the beginning, but she's not as horrible as she tries to be, Kara's sure. She couldn't be, for Winn to be with her and care about her.
The DEO doctor sighs. "I'm almost out of ideas, here. She can't replicate the incident, we can't figure out what caused it or how she did it or why…" She scrolls through display after display of test results on her tablet.
Kara bites her lip and doesn't know what to say. After a few minutes of listening to the doctor, nurses, and techs muttering back and forth, as Kara stands uselessly at their sides, she heads out of the room to try and find something to do.
She rounds a corner and stops, ducking out of sight in a hurry. Halfway down the hall, Siobahn cries heavily onto Winn's shoulder and he holds her close. Kara doesn't want to interrupt or give Siobahn another reason to hate her so she hangs back. But she can't help peeking around the wall's edge at the pair. At the way Winn cradles her and the sad softness washing his features. The way Siobahn's fingers curl into his cardigan and the way he presses his lips to the side of her head.
Kara remembers a day when Cat, on the warpath, had cut Kara to ribbons. She remembers curling up on her couch, Winn at her side. He did everything he could to cheer her up. It'd almost worked, but Kara was spent and exhausted, and it wasn't a day where she could brush off Cat as being Cat. So Winn had tugged her up to his chest and Kara cried her eyes out.
The way he'd rubbed his hand on her back and promised that she was so incredible and important and worth a thousand Cat Grants…
"No, a million," he'd said. "A thousand is way too small."
Kara's lips quirked up only a little and the tears slowed to a stop.
"Actually, if I'm being honest, a million is pretty low, too. Billion? Trillion?"
He had this way of sounding completely serious when he was joking and she loved that about him. Her smile grew a little.
Sensing victory, Winn had added, "What's higher than a trillion? Do numbers even go that high?"
Kara had giggled then and pulled out of his embrace, smacking him lightly on the arm. "I'm not worth a trillion Cat Grants," she said with a very dignified sniffle.
"You're right." He'd smiled at her – that warm, full Winn smile that filled her chest up every time. "You're worth more."
She smacked him again, laughing. "You're so cheesy."
A door somewhere down the hall behind her shuts with a loud thud, startling Kara from her memory. Winn looks up at the noise and sees her watching. Kara ducks away, feeling like a major intruding idiot.
She doesn't get far before Winn catches up with her.
"Hey, Kara, wait up. Everything okay?" he asks. "Did you need something? Sorry, I was just..."
"No! No, no, nothing, no," she replies too fast. Her cheeks are hot and she says "no" a couple too many more times, thereby stopping herself from blurting hug me like that again.
He huffs out an uncomfortable laugh, looking as uneasy as she feels. Kara's hit square in the gut all over again with the ache of how far apart her and Winn are lately, how awkward things are when they used to be absolutely effortless. She wants to say so many things but the words won't stick together in her brain right and they won't form on her tongue. She's not sure she could get any of them out anyways.
I didn't want things to change, she thinks. But they have.
"Sorry," she says and doesn't know what she's apologizing for. "I gotta go." She makes up some Supergirl-related emergency and makes a proper fast exit this time. Kara doesn't look back no matter how badly she wants to.
Two days later, there's still no explanation for Siobahn. At least now, they've replicated her "powers" twice – some sort of extreme echo, sound thing. Kara doesn't really get it but the DEO is excited and Siobahn is terrified – which translates to being super bitchy to Kara, so Kara avoids her whenever they're both at the DEO.
Winn brings her lunch – "I know Cat's got you slammed with stuff again" – and Kara devours the turkey sandwich as fast as she can before Cat gets back from her meeting.
She offers James a hopeful, bright smile and James is totally as civil and wonderful as usual, but she can tell he's got his guard up around her, and she wishes he didn't. They go over the latest batch of photos for the next run and Kara doesn't bring up anything personal.
Inevitably, Cat hates Kara's photo selections. She sends her back three separate times before James goes in to talk Cat into the first set Kara originally picked. Winn shoots her a pinched look of sympathy.
Kara rolls her eyes in exhausted exasperation. He gives her a knowing nod, faces his desk again, and types rapidly.
A moment later, an inter-office chat window crops up on Kara's screen, with a youtube video link from Winn. Kara checks that Cat is still occupied with James, then clicks the link curiously and pops one of her headphones in. She smacks her hand over her mouth to stop the burst of giggles at the sight of puppies and kitties haplessly falling about set to the soundtrack of I Don't Feel Like Dancing.
Kara glances up at Winn and mouths, Thank you. He just smiles – that half smirk, half triumphant smile that says I know you and you're welcome – and goes back to work.
She takes a second to watch him then: vigorously writing code and taking frequent sips of his coffee from a chipped white mug. His shoulders hunch a little, his lips purse just slightly, and he's so focused, so familiar. Kara doesn't know how she could have ever survived this job without him. She has the urge to go over there and wrap her arms around his neck and thank him for being in her life, for always being there, for existing.
Thinking about the little black kitten tipping into the full bathtub keeps her cheered through the rest of the day and through Cat's frequent, slicing remarks.
It isn't until Kara's lying in bed, tossing and turning and worrying about her job and Alex and the woman she'd pulled from a car wreck and her talk with James and the DEO and Siobahn, that Kara's hit with an absolutely terrifying epiphany.
She has feelings for Winn.
And like, Feelings, with a capital 'F'. She snaps her eyes open and flips onto her back, heart racing. But she rejected Winn – when he confessed he'd been in love with her, when he'd tried to kiss her, Kara had told him no. So she couldn't have feelings for him, she couldn't, she simply could not, she…
Kara sucks in a deep breath and lets it out slowly, hoping to slow her heart rate. She panics she has become that girl who only wants what she can't have and she has to slow her breathing all over again.
You're confused or something , she thinks. You love Winn like a brother. A best friend.
She tells herself this, firmly. She tries to mean it, she does.
Except when her mind finally calms down and begins to drift, she pictures Winn holding her hand and warmth spills into her chest. And she pictures cuddling on the couch and the warmth spills into her limbs. And, unbidden, the image of Winn leaning in to kiss her appears, and this time, she kisses him back.
That warmth turns into sparks and sleep claims her.
James takes her out for coffee and a Serious Talk.
Kara spends most of it gently ripping tiny bits of paper off the sleeve of her coffee cup, uneasily trying to sort her emotions. James explains – rationally, fairly, understandably – how he needs her to just be his friend for now. She's not as crushed as she thinks she should be and that throws her for a loop.
"I care about you a lot, Kara," he reiterates and she thinks he wants to hold her hand, but he doesn't.
His little sad smile kills her – because she likes it so much, because she actually understands his position, because he means what he says.
"After everything that happened with Lucy and how complicated it got…" James sighs. It looks like it hurts him to say the words, but with each passing one, he's more relaxed, more relieved.
She wants him to be okay and be happy, more than anything. He's her friend, regardless of her wanting something more. So if shutting the door on Them does that, she can't help but want it for him.
"I just don't think I can do another relationship right now," James finishes. "I wouldn't want you to be my rebound girl." This time that little half-smile is full of hope and Kara smiles back.
"I understand," she says, and she does, and that's what stings.
Kara never meant to break down.
Some part of her notes that she's just super overwhelmed with everything going on. She doesn't have Alex to talk to like she normally would, what with her on the run with Hank. She lost an agent in the latest DEO mission the previous night, and loss of life always upsets her. Cat was even more tetchy than usual – a recurring theme, lately – and Siobahn dropped by the office to take Winn out for lunch and that shouldn't bother Kara, but it really, really does.
That's why she's curled up on her couch crying her eyes out while people bake cakes or something on the TV. It's not because of James, though she'd be lying if she said wasn't hurt.
When there's a loud knock-knockitty-knock on her door, Kara very seriously considers not getting up. But she drags herself to her feet and plods across the empty apartment, swiping at her face. Her eyes prickle and her cheeks feel puffy and she attempts to shove her misery away for a second so she can pretend she's fine to her caller.
Kara, having expected to see Mrs. Li from 808 or maybe Mr. Parks from 813, almost chokes on her chirpy greeting when she opens the door to see Winn standing there.
"Hey, I was just – oh, are you – ?"
That's all he gets out before Kara can't hold herself together anymore. The tears spill out all over again.
"Oh, Kara." Winn envelopes her and holds her close.
She digs her face into his shoulder and she squeezes her fingers against his sweater. It smells fresh and clean, like sage and something achingly familiar and just Winn . She has no words to begin to describe how deeply she's missed this, missed him.
"Hey, c'mon," he murmurs after a good half minute. "Let's go to the couch, okay? C'mon, Kara."
She nods and sniffles, pulling away from him. She immediately hates the lack of contact and warmth.
He steps inside the apartment and shuts the door. Kara mops her face with her sleeve and winces at the wet spot she left all over Winn's dark green sweater. He wordlessly circles his arm behind her back and leads her to the couch. She wonders how many times they've sat like this, side by side but facing each other. She wonders how many hours have gone by, talking and laughing and venting and crying and watching TV.
Most of all, she wonders why the hell she didn't hold onto Winn when she had him.
"Okay, tell me what happened." Winn says, his features are open and concerned, studying her and deciding what she needs.
Kara doesn't know how to tell him about James. She starts with her troubles with Cat, which spills into her worries about Alex. She very narrowly skirts her problems with Siobahn – a tiny crease appears in Winn's forehead when Kara mentions her at all – and focuses on her genuine worry about Siobahn's sudden, inexplicable superpowers. She finally dumps out her exchange with James and then finally, her tears stop flowing.
"I'm sorry," says Kara. She's sick of apologizing but she means it.
"It's fine," Winn replies.
"No, it's – I'm sorry for unloading on you, and complaining about Siobahn when I know you guys are – you're together. And for…" losing you, she thinks. Missing my chance with you. She's lost James only today, but she lost Winn months ago. And that, she realizes, hurts more than anything else put together.
Winn presses his lips together and looks away.
Kara's heart sinks and she desperately jokes, "And for snotting all over myself and your shirt." She laughs hollowly.
"Kara…" The way he whispers her name makes her shiver.
And there's that feeling again – the one where she has a million words to say and no way to say them. She holds her teeth together to stop anything embarrassing from spilling out. (This is something she never used to do with Winn – everyone else, sure. But never Alex, and never, ever Winn.)
She's afraid of what he might say next, what she might do if he says something she wants to hear right now.
Kara, I'm gonna tell you the truth now. I'm in love with you. I have been in love with you for a long time – since before you were Supergirl.
Kara clears her throat. "Before I completely monopolize the night with my total meltdown," she forces out another laugh and a watery smile. "What did you come over for?"
Winn licks his lips and takes in a deep breath, like he's bracing himself, then tells her, "They finally figured out what's going on with Siobahn."
"Is she okay? What is it?" Kara asks. Even as much as it chips away little pieces of her insides to talk about Winn and Siobahn, she genuinely wants to know. As much as she doesn't get along with Siobahn, she really does want her to be okay.
"She's, um, a meta human? Apparently?"
"Okay... What is that, exactly?"
Winn shrugs. "A human person with like, super powers, I guess. No alien-ness involved."
Kara can't process the ramifications of this in that moment. "So… wow. So are there more? Are there more like her? Or with different powers, or – I don't even know – "
"I know," says Winn, exhaling in a rush. "And I have no idea. The DEO is finding out more – apparently some guy from Central City came by or they got in contact with him, I don't know, but he knows stuff and has a team, and I… I think they can help her? I hope so."
Kara sits back, still reeling from the news, trying to process it.
"I wanted to come tell you right away – the DEO will be calling you any minute about this, but I wanted to… yeah." Winn shrugs and twists his hands together in his lap.
"Wow," says Kara again.
The idea of super-powered humans out there as well as aliens had never once occurred to her. It's huge, potentially earth-shattering news. Unless Siobahn is the only one, in which case, what did that mean? For a good minute, Kara's so occupied thinking about Siobahn's situation, she blissfully forgets about her own.
Until she becomes aware again that Winn's sitting on the couch in front of her and their knees are still touching. And then her heart slides farther down behind her ribs when she remembers Siobahn and Winn in the hallway, and coming out of the storage closet, and going out for lunch and coffee.
"How is…" Kara starts and has to swallow the lump in throat, has to begin again, pushing her voice out in a way that sounds normal and not miserably crushed. "How is she doing?"
"Siobahn? She's okay – I mean, as okay as you can be finding out that you may or may not be the first of a superhuman race or whatever they're called and you may or may not suddenly have super powers that…"
Winn trails off and fixes his gaze on Kara.
"Look, Kara, she's my friend and to be honest, she doesn't have… any. I'm just trying to be there for her – I've been trying to be there for her."
A few nasty comments spring to Kara's tongue and she bites them back. Instead, she mumbles out, "I know."
"No, I mean, she's my friend," Winn tells her firmly.
Kara returns his stare, confused. "I know," she repeats. If there's one thing she does really know in these complicated, messed up few months, it's that Winn and Siobahn are definitely very friendly friends.
Winn huffs out a quick breath and grasps Kara's hand. "Okay, look. Look. Yes, we slept together – "
"Ugh, Winn!" Kara snatches her hand back. "I do not want to hear about whatever you and Siobahn do in your spare time. Or on office time, for that matter!"
He snags her fingers again and this time the look he gives her is jarring with its intensity.
"We past tense slept together," he says. "We never went out on dates. Or date, singular, for that matter."
"Can we please not talk about this? Please?" she begs. She might punch something if she has to hear about Siobahn and Winn together for another second.
"Kara."
She can't take the way he's looking at her because it's the way he looked at her when he tried to kiss her on this couch once upon a time. The difference is now she wants him to try again, desperately, with every part of her. The problem is that she literally was just crying on his shoulder about losing James and he just talked about sleeping with Siobahn and it can't be more messed up than that.
So she turns away and she plants herself with a slight gap between them. She suggests watching some more of whatever cooking show is on now until the DEO calls. He relents.
He smiles at her, and she only catches a glimpse of it as she leans forward to grab a tissue, but it's small and sad, wistful and regretful. The ache in her chest intensifies but after a few minutes, she laughs with him about mucked up fondant and experimental avocado icing and she lets the world melt away for just a little bit.
By midnight, the DEO still hasn't called. Winn says he should be getting home but Kara instinctively grabs his hand.
"No, stay!" she says, whining only a little.
He chuckles and plops back down on the couch, fake dramatic about early bedtimes (and it's so much like old times, Kara forgets that everything has changed).
"Just one more episode!" she insists.
"I should never have hooked up your cable," he groans. "You and your Food Network marathons! You're going to be the death of me, Kara Danvers."
She smacks him with a pillow but he doesn't stop grinning.
"Speaking of food, I wanna snack." He goes to the kitchen, calling over his shoulder, "What do you have to eat in this place? Anything good?"
"Leftover pot stickers in the fridge," Kara yells back.
It isn't until he sits back down beside her and passes her a plate that she remembers what he said at the office, and all the air goes out of the room:
But I don't know that I can sit and smile and eat pot stickers and pretend like it is not killing me.
Suddenly, she knows exactly how he must have felt.
"There's seven left in here," Winn says, poking through the cardboard with his chopsticks. "You want three or four, or d'you wanna split the last one?" He glances at her, and does a double take. "Kara? What is it?"
"I blew it," she replies softly and gives her head a shake. Her eyes sting with tears again, even though she blinks them back. "I didn't… I didn't see you, not properly, and I completely blew it."
Winn watches her and when she looks at him, she can't decipher his expression.
"And I lost you."
He melts at this, abandoning the container of potstickers to the coffee table so he can grasp her hand gently.
"Kara, no, you never lost me. Not ever."
"Yes, I did," Kara insists, swiping at her eyes. She's cried way too much today and is determined not to anymore, though she's fast losing that battle. "I didn't want anything to change but everything's changed and I just… I don't want things to go back to where they were before, because I realized that I…"
It's the dumbest thing, but she suddenly gets the cupcake metaphor. Right here, right now. And for some even dumber reason, that, and the expression on Cat's face when she said I wasn't talking about James, hits her like a physical blow. Kara giggles through her tears.
Winn grimaces in a concerned kind of way and he opens his mouth to talk, but Kara goes first.
"I love you," she blurts out simply, the way she should have said it, should have known it, months, maybe even years before. "I didn't get it and I have the worst timing in the world and… I just want to be clear, this is not about James. James was something else and I get that now. And I'm sorry…" Kara sucks in a breath. "I'm sorry it took me so long to catch up. Especially now that you're with… with someone else."
She finishes with a wince. Kara expects to feel miserable again, humiliated maybe – the way Winn looked when Kara told him no. Instead, she's lighter and she gets why Winn dropped his "bomb" on their friendship. If only for a moment, this is better than the one before.
Winn's expression cycles through a dozen emotions so quick, she can't identify them. "Are you serious?" he whispers.
Kara swallows and nods. "Yeah."
He stares at her. "Just… so we're absolutely clear. Could you please… explain to me what you mean by, you know, um."
"I don't want to wreck what you have with Siobahn," Kara says, rushing to explain. That singular moment of bliss is fast dissolving. "I don't want to get in the middle of anything and I realize – fully realize how bad this is, at this… second."
"Kara, Siobahn and I – we didn't get serious. That's what I was trying to say earlier. We slept together a few times but we stopped. Because she didn't need that – need me, like that. She just needed a friend and I just wanted her to have someone to turn to."
Kara's pulse stutters against his fingertips on her wrist. Part of her is screaming that she hasn't lost Winn after all, that he didn't give up on her. Part of her is utterly terrified that she is reading into his words, that she is an emotional mess, and this is the worst possible moment to be thinking anything other than Winn is my best friend and he is being my best friend. But she's already said The Words and she can't take them back.
She doesn't want to.
"So," he says slowly, as if afraid he's dreaming and might wake at any second. "Could you go back to the part where… you… love me?"
Kara's lips curl up a little. "I do."
"Could you – just for clarity's sake, um, say it again?" says Winn.
Kara's smile is full when she says, "I love you."
"Like a brother?"
She shakes her head.
"Like… a best friend?"
Kara thinks for a second and gives her head another shake.
Winn tilts his head slightly. "Like… more than?"
She's the one who kisses him, full on the mouth. She practically climbs into his lap and he kisses her back with fervor. When they part, flushed and breathless, she ducks her head a little.
"Sorry it took me so long to figure it out."
"I was happy to wait," Winn replies.
And this smile – this is her favorite. It's pure joy and it's gorgeous and it's all Winn. Her Winn.
He tugs her in for another long overdue, world-stopping kiss.
-end–
A/n: Honestly, for a show I barely care about on a regular basis, this is the second time I've sat down to binge-catch-up on it and have been interrupted by the burning, desperate need to angrily fic something for it. XD (I have issues. XD)