If I Should Die Before I Wake
The heat nearly knocked Uhura back out of the door as she entered Spock's quarters. This must be what they call hot as Vulcan, she thought as she pushed forward. It was hotter than the hottest day she had ever experienced in either Nairobi or Mumbai. Luckily it was a dry heat, she mused. It was also dark, the lights were set for the evening cycle. She could see into the sleeping chamber and Spock looked to be laying down in his bed.
For once she was afraid to approach him. What would she find? Would he be old and withered? Would he be recognizable? It broke her heart earlier today on the bridge to see the captain in such diminished capacity. And then at the competency hearing to see her friends, reduced to old men, the captain raging in his dotage. It was frightening. But Spock had seemed to handle everything with a quiet dignity as was his way.
"Mr. Spock," she called out.
"Nurse, I told you I do not require your assistance!" Uhura heard Spock say from the darkness of his bedroom.
"Mr. Spock, it's me, Lieutenant Uhura," she called out again.
"Lieutenant?" She heard the question in his voice and then the sound of ruffled clothing as he sat up.
"Yes, it's me." There was a long pregnant silence.
"Come in." He said finally. "Lights 40 percent," Uhura heard him command the computer.
She entered his sleeping area and saw him sitting cross-legged in his bed and he was wrapped in a dark colored blanket. His hair was gray, his skin wrinkled and sagging, and his shoulders slightly hunched.
"Oh, Spock!" the words escaped her lips before she could stop it.
She rushed over to him and reached out her hand but she didn't touch him she just let it linger in the air for a moment before it fell to her side.
"I came because I was worried about you. You weren't in the rec room for your dinner this evening."
"I am in no mood for company or dinner," he said grumpily but he didn't tell her to leave.
"Okay, I can understand that," Uhura said but she didn't turn to leave either.
"Mr. Spock if you're cold a nice warm bowl of soup might warm you up. What if I just make you a quick cup of something to warm your insides?" She offered.
Spock sat in silence for a long while. He didn't look at her he just sat and stared as if he was looking inward.
"Nyota, could you perhaps make a cup of hot chocolate?"
"Hot chocolate?"
"Yes."
"I've never seen you drink that before but I will be happy to Mr. Spock," She went to his kitchenette and prepared the beverage.
"I haven't had it in a very long time," Spock mused. "My mother used to make it for me when I was ill."
"Oh. Isn't that sweet? My grandmother always made me hot chocolate as well. It was always a special treat in our family. Maybe mothers know some secret curative powers in chocolate?" Uhura chatted as she went about her task. "Do you take marshmallows?" She called over her shoulder.
"Is there any other way to take hot chocolate?" Spock said sounding more like his old self, well his younger old self.
"No, I suppose not, but you do have peculiar tastes. For example, that ginger beer you're so fond of."
"It is a very refreshing beverage," Spock said defending his choice in drink.
"It's awful. It makes me sneeze and cough."
"As I said, very refreshing."
"Mmm hmm if you say so."
She walked back into his bedroom with a tray and two mugs of steaming cocoa.
Spock reached for a mug immediately and took a healthy sip.
"Careful it's hot!" Uhura cautioned too late.
Spock smacked his lips uncharacteristically. "Nyota, the beverage is called HOT chocolate. I would be shocked and disappointed if it were not indeed hot."
"Well, your tongue seems to have survived just fine," she replied to his comeback. "I'll have to let mine cool off a bit. She set her mug down on his nightstand and stood awkwardly beside him as he drank.
"Nyota please take a seat."
She looked around and found the only chair to be the one at his desk in the outer room. She went to fetch it and dragged it to his bedside.
"There," she said as she perched on it. She was sweating and unconsciously fanned herself with her hand.
"You are perspiring Lieutenant. As I have raised the environmental temperature to 125 degrees Fahrenheit, I presume that you are quite uncomfortable."
"No, no," she lied. "I'm used to a bit of heat."
"Lieutenant. Even you cannot withstand such temperatures for any length of time. I suggest you return to your quarters and cool yourself."
"I said I'm fine. I am more worried about you. How are you holding up?"
"I am fine also," Spock said. He set his empty mug on the nightstand beside Uhura's. "If you don't mind I will drink this as well?" He gesturing to her still steaming cup of cocoa.
"Be my guest." She said waving him on.
"You are my guest. Forgive my poor hospitality. It is I who should be serving you." He made to swing his legs over the edge of the bed.
"Hold it right there Mister. You just sit tight. I'm here to help you for a change. You've been so kind to me, the least I can do is sit beside you and share a drink."
"But you did not have your drink. I have Kava juice and the ginger beer you dislike if you are in need of refreshment."
"I'll just have water." She went to the kitchenette and came back with an ice cold glass which she sipped at eagerly.
"Ah! I didn't realize I was so thirsty. Nothing beats a cold glass of water."
"I disagree, nothing beats a hot cup of chocolate made with care and marshmallows," he said as he finished his second cup. He placed the empty mug on the nightstand and he visibly began to relax. Uhura noticed his shivering had subsided remarkably.
"Thank you, Miss Uhura. You have pleased an old man in his dotage."
Uhura smiled despite the serious situation. "You're not an old man, you're just ill. And Dr. McCoy and Dr. Wallace, as well as the rest of the medical staff, are all working hard to come up with a cure."
"I fear their efforts may be in vain. I calculate we only have a matter of hours left before Jim, McCoy, Mr. Scott, and I are little more than mental vegetables. Well before that time, our bodies may give out from natural degeneration."
"You don't know that. You're all aging differently. You have a very good chance of retaining your mental faculties. Even Scotty is still hard on the job. Just because the Captain-" Uhura stopped unable to continue at the memory of a defeated Captain Kirk.
"Mr. Spock, please don't give up. I need you to get better. I know that sounds terribly selfish of me but that is how I feel. I can't bear the thought of what's happening to you and the others. I need to see you and the captain strong and proud on the bridge outsmarting the Romulans and the Klingons and the like."
She held back tears. This was not a time for her emotional outbursts. Spock needed cheering up not being mourned or grieved for.
"Did you hear me Mr. Spock?" she said when he didn't say anything.
"Yes, I heard you Nyota. I am gratified by your care and concern for me."
"Of course, I care about you. That's what friends do. You would do the same for me, you have done the same for me. You brought me back from beyond. I didn't know who I was and because of you, I sit here today able to do my job, able to remember my Bibi and her hot chocolate recipe. Because of you!"
"Nyota, it was my duty and my pleasure to serve you and make you well," Spock said very softly and with a slight slur.
Uhura heard the slur and she panicked. "Are you okay Mr. Spock!" She cried.
"Yes." He laughed. "I neglected to mention that chocolate has an inebriating effect on Vulcans." He said as he swayed in his seat.
"What? You mean I've made you high?"
Spock smiled and nodded his head. "I think so. I quite enjoy the effect."
"I am so sorry Spock, of course, I had no idea this would happen. Should I call the doctor?"
"No Lieutenant. As I said I quite enjoy the sensation. It is a relief."
She relaxed in her seat again. "Spock, I am sorry. I was hoping to make things better, not worse."
Your being here does make it better. What could be better than to die with a pretty girl in my cabin?" he teased and then he seemed to sober up for a moment. "I had thought to spend my remaining hours with the Captain, but he does not want to see me."
"He'll come around. He's just not himself right now, you know that. Being the captain means everything to him. Without this ship and his command he likely feels set adrift."
"I understand the sentiment," Spock said with more emotion than Uhura has ever heard him express. "Lieutenant, I think I require a nap. Your hot chocolate has quite the tranquilizing effect. However, I hesitate to give in to the impulse to sleep. Unlike our Lieutenant Galway, I am not afraid of what I shall find when I awake, I am afraid of what I shall miss while I am sleeping."
"Spock, if you need to rest I'll stay with you. I'll stay and watch over you until you awake and make sure you're okay. I'll wake you in precisely 30 minutes okay? You won't miss a thing."
"For me, thirty minutes is a lifetime. In thirty minutes I will have missed a lifetime with you, Nyota." Spock said softly. His eyes were drooping and he appeared to be nodding off.
"Oh, Spock," Uhura stood and went to his side. He didn't answer her so she touched his shoulder. Spock immediately grabbed her hand before she could pull back.
"Nyota. If I should die-"
"You are not going to die!" Uhura insisted. She gripped his hand tightly. "You're not going anywhere, do you hear me? Mr. Spock if you try to leave me I'll be so disappointed in you. I'll never forgive you if you die on me." Uhura said trying hard to hold back tears.
"I shall endeavor not to disappoint you. However, if I should die for any reason I want you to know that I... I shall miss you."
"Mr. Spock if you should die I don't know what I'll do. The universe just won't be the same without you. I don't know if I want to live in a universe without Spock in it."
"I understand," Spock said. He lay back on his bed and relaxed into his blanket with Uhura still clutching his hand. She watched him until his breathing evened out and he was asleep. She should release his hand now. She knew how he shied away from skin to skin touch but she couldn't bring her self to do so. Even in his sleep, he was holding on tight to her. Gingerly, she sat on the very edge of his bunk and watched his chest rise and fall over and over. It was illogical, but she thought she could will him to keep breathing.
"Don't give up Mr. Spock. Keep living and I'll be right here by your side waiting for you."