Written for: QLFC, Round five
Chudley Cannons, Seeker
Prompt: Use a title of a story written by your Captain for inspiration.
Word count: 1,165
I'm not fine, is what I want to tell him every time he looks at me with those big green eyes, catches a wild lock between his index and middle finger, twists it and places it back behind my ear. He looks at me like he knows and how can he know? I'm all tough and rough, I laugh it out like it's no big deal, like I have no clue what he plans on doing. But I know, oh, yes, I know. He'll be gone with Dumbledore on a mad hunt, he'll be gone to trade his life for the world, that's why he's been getting all those mysterious scrolls of parchment, summoning him to Merlin knows where. One day I'll be looking at that place near the hearth in the common room, our favourite place to be together, and he'll be gone. One day, that place will be empty. Just like my heart.
I'm not fine, not at all. I laugh, I smile and I embrace him hard, with passion. I kiss him deep, each time deeper, as though I'm afraid I might lose him any second now. Is it still called fear if you know, you have this absolute certainty that the thing you dread most is going to happen? Is it still painful when you've prepared for it all your life? It's rather comic when I think about it, but I've loved him ever since the day we met in Kings Cross – him, a messy haired boy, all slim and wide-eyed, me, clutching onto my Mum's skirt and fretting that I'd be alone soon, that I want to go to Hogwarts too. Truth is, I've stopped being alone that day, because I knew. I knew he was the one and that we'd be following the same path, one way or another. Sounds girlish, right? Sounds romantic and stupid and I'll be damned if I don't get to live my own story. No reptile is ever going to take him away from me. No one will.
"Alright, Gin?" he asked again today, sheepishly, sadly. We were down by the lake, hidden, lying on the grass in each other's arms. I just held on to him tighter, my ear pressed against his chest. I could hear his heart beat and I counted every one of them with endless thirst. Thump-thump-thump-thump. All the life that was running through his veins, I could feel it and I silently begged him to stay alive. Just stay alive.
"Yeah," I lied through my teeth and, with one hand, pressed him back onto the tree bark. My knees on the rain soaked grass, I leaned in against him, my chest resting on his own. "Hold on to me, Harry," I told him and set my lips on his a bit too roughly. We were glued to each other and I couldn't be arsed to wonder whether we could be seen or not. I could've counted our last moments together on the fingers of one bloody hand, for all I knew. So I didn't care and lost myself in the moment. I lost myself completely, knowing he'd surely find me and bring me back to the surface. He'd bring me back to life a second time.
I kissed him hard, I bit his lower lip until he moaned against my mouth. My fingers sneaked to the back of his head, caressing his wild black hair, bringing him closer to me. I wanted to melt and become part of his being, I wanted to hold on forever. I was a woman obsessed, so desperate and scared. His arms encircled me and I fell into his embrace. My back on the ground, I closed my eyes and let him wander as far as he desired. The tip of his finger drew the contours of my jaw, my neckline and stumbled all the way down to my legs. He drew patterns, connecting freckles, creating constellations all over my skin. He kissed me intensely, tongue clashing against tongue. He took my breath away and dug his fingers hard, squeezing my thigh for one moment, hungrily, huskily. I would have given him everything right there, but he shook away his hand as though it burned him. I wish he could seize the moment and forget all else for once. Carpe diem, baby. But that's not my Harry.
I gently took him by the hand and lied that everything will be alright. For us, for Ron, for Hermione, for everyone. I placed his head against my chest and rocked us slowly back and forth. I tried to soothe him, whispering how much he means to me, how good it will be for us, how I trust him and would follow him anywhere. I tried to soothe and calm him when inside I had a storm raging, waves of muddy water hitting heavily into my being. I am not fine.
"Hush," I said and kissed the top of his head. My hands rested on his cheeks for awhile, before crawling to remove his glasses. I laid my lips on his eyelids, kissing them shut, then brushed them against one hand and then the other. I felt like I was going to shatter to a million pieces without him by my side.
"You're so good to me, Gin," he breathed into my ear and took me into his arms again. The lithe kiss on my neck turned into a bite and so I gasped.
"Harry," my voice broke as I spoke.
"Yeah?" His tone was hoarse, expectant.
"Don't stop." Something wild broke loose in him, I could see it in his eyes as he turned back to my mouth. A memory started playing on the inside of my mind, a little boy desperately calling for the little girl who he thought was dead. My tongue rolled out the five letters it could not that day, tasting his name as he tasted my lips. I called out his name again and again, I held on to him. I want to say it everyday, every morning and every night, before we drift away to dreams unknown. I want to say it when I whisper yes and I want him to say mine as he does the same. I want to see it written on the front door of the cosy, loving home that we will build together, read it everyday before I go inside, with a smile plastered all over my face. I need all that, Harry, I need our future. I need you to hold on to this image of us when you fight and I need you to come back.
I'm not fine. Not now, at least, but I swear that I will be because I will fight for him with every bone in my body. And I will win.