Author: Lapus Stili / SlipofthePen
Rating: T
Word Count: 1696
Spoilers: Specific references to episodes at the end of season 3.
Disclaimers: I'm trying to get those CBS guys to give me the rights to all things CSI, but so far it's not working…
Summary: Sara contemplates her in-limbo situation with Grissom. This story takes place early in season 5.
Author's Note: I'm in the middle of writing a post-Living Doll fic (like about a gazillion others have also been inspired to do) but decided to finish off and post this little ditty I started about a century ago first. Just 'cus.
Waiting
- by Lapsus Stili
I am not lonely,
swear to God,
I'm just alone.
-- Jann Arden ("The Sound Of")
"It should be ready by noon, Ma'am. Can we set you up with a loaner for the morning?"
"No, that's ok. I'll just wait," she replied, settling onto the faux-leather couch and nabbing a magazine from the coffee table. Sara flipped through it idly, not really paying attention to what was staring back at her from the glossy pages, and quickly lost herself in thought.
……….
Ya, sure I'll wait. I'm the queen of waiting. Maybe my parents should've called me Patience. It'd certainly be more fitting and as a bonus I wouldn't have had to correct everyone about that damn "no H on the end" thing my whole life.
A couple of hours to fix my car? Hell, that's nothing. How about a decade? Ten whole years? That's how long I've been waiting for Him and I'm still here. I can't believe how fast it's gone by. It feels like I only just met Him. God, that smile still knocks me over. It comes and goes, but these days it's around a little more and it just makes my day to see Him happy.
I've heard what's going around in the rumour mill at work. Pick up bits and pieces when they don't know I'm within earshot. Just the other day Greg was grumbling quietly, commiserating with Ronnie during their break about how if I'd just give him the time of day instead wasting my time on Grissom, who clearly isn't interested, I'd see that he and I were a much better match anyhow. Of course, he had no idea I was right outside the room and had caught every word of it. He's a nice enough guy but we have little in common other than the decade we were born in. The fact that he thinks I'm a lot like him just goes to show that he truly doesn't see or know the real me at all. I have absolutely no interest in him romantically. Never have, never will.
He's not the only one of my friends with an opinion. The way that Catherine looks at me sometimes makes me want to scream. It's pity I see there, and I hate that – firstly because I can't stand the idea of anyone feeling sorry for me about anything, and secondly because it's so misplaced. It's her "Poor Sara with a school-girl crush on her mentor doesn't get that he's not interested"- face. Drives me nuts. Warrick's started in on it lately too and it makes me wonder if they're comparing notes on me now or something. Do people really have nothing better to talk about?
I'm not dumb and I'm certainly not oblivious. I mean really, could they be any more conspicuous? The way their eyes flit my way to gauge my reaction to things He says or does. It's a quick glance, and then they look away almost immediately. I still pick up on it though. I can feel it, like a stick poking me in the gut. It's tough sometimes, but I work very hard at not reacting, not giving them any more ammo than they already have.
I know what most of them think – how sad it is that I'm all ga-ga over Him and He… well, He just can't see it. Or won't see it. Or simply doesn't feel the same way about me. To them, Sara Sidle the CSI is successful, accomplished, driven. But Sara Sidle the woman? Well, I've heard words like pathetic and lonely whispered by the water cooler on more than one occassion.
It's not just in the lab, either. It's bad enough when it's the people I know; it's somehow worse when it's virtual strangers. People we come into contact with have noticed how we interact as well. Folks like the EMT's and cleanup crews pick up on things, and a couple of cops were jaw-wagging about it when Gil and I were processing a robbery scene together not long ago. They didn't think I could hear them outside. They were wrong. The window was open and I caught every word of it. I suppose it's true - I haven't been as subtle as I could've been, but still… they've got it all wrong anyhow. I'm not desperate and I'm not throwing my life away pining over Him. They just don't get it. They don't understand.
Yes, I moved here for Him. Yes, I've always wanted Him as more than just a boss. And yes, I am waiting for Him. Why wouldn't I? He's worth it. I love him... and I know He loves me too. That's what makes it ok – ok for me to wait as long as it takes.
He loves me but He's scared. Too scared to do anything about it. Of course I know I'd never hurt Him, and most of Him knows that too. It's that one frightened little corner of His heart that's the problem. I don't know much about His past beyond His professional accomplishments, but that haunted look I see playing about His eyes in unguarded moments tells me all I need to know. He was hurt by someone - badly. That's why I don't rush Him.
So what if I spend a lot of time home alone? That's my choice. It's not because I have no friends. Not because I have no life. Certainly not because I'm waiting by the phone for Him to call. I do so because I'm fairly low-key and solitary by nature, enjoying simple things like reading, crosswords, and writing SVU fanfiction. I've even started to dabble in a bit of gourmet cooking. Co-incidentally, most of these are things that He likes to do, too (and that Greg does not – hmmm, maybe I should point that out to Greggo next time he hits on me). When I feel like hitting the town or catching a movie, I do. It tends to be with friends from work for the simple reason that they're no more phased about catching a flick at 3 in the morning than I am, which is more than I can say for my few diurnal acquaintances. More often than not though, I prefer to curl up with a good book and recharge my batteries at home.
People joke about the police scanner I have, but they don't know that I only listen to it on the nights when I'm off and He's working. And it doesn't make me an obsessive stalker - it just gives me peace of mind. Keeps me from worrying about Him. At least if anything bad does happen I'll know right away. No one would think to call me to let me know. Why would they? I'd only find out when I came in for my next shift unless I was called in early as an extra pair of hands to pick up the slack. I'd want to know and so I keep myself in the loop. When He's not on, neither is my scanner.
That day I asked Him out, when He flat-out said no without giving me a reason… I knew why. That's why I pushed a little. Why not? Let's… let's have dinner. Let's see what happens. I knew about the problem with His hearing. How could I not? I notice when He changes shampoos or gets a new pair of shoes – I sure as hell can figure out when He's struggling to follow conversations and is asking people to repeat themselves. Besides, I had evidence. I wasn't snooping or anything, but I happened to notice His rolodex was flipped to some audiologist when I dropped the Wellstone/Frommer report off on His desk a couple of days earlier. That's actually why I wanted to take Him out for dinner, to try to get Him to talk to me. He thought I was just reacting to the explosion… the whole "carpe diem" thing and all, but I was actually trying to ask Him out before the accident. It figures - the one day I was trying to get the damn hermit alone for 2 minutes is the one day He happens to be gabbing with someone every 5 seconds. I had just given up and was heading back to my sandwich when the lab blew up. I swear the gods were conspiring against me that day, that's for sure.
As for the rest of my so-called love life, there hasn't been anyone else since that whole Hank fiasco. What's the point? It's not like I was really interested in the guy anyhow. I was pissed off to find out he was lying to me and cheating on someone else by dating me, but I definitely didn't lose sleep over him being out of my life. He was just a diversion, and not a very good one at that. That's why I don't bother anymore. It's not fair to spend time with men, letting them get their hopes up when they don't stand a chance. None of them are Him and whether we can be together or not, He's the one I want. The only one I want.
Emerson once questioned, "How much of human life is lost in waiting?" He obviously never waited on a worthy cause because I, for one, don't consider my life a loss. I do my part to protect the planet and support wildlife conservation. I'm a considerate neighbour and I'm always polite to the clerk at the grocery store, even when she's in a foul mood. I go to work and do my best to get the bad guys off the streets. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how lucky I am to have found that special someone – regardless of whether or not anything more ever comes of it, I still feel blessed. Some people search their whole lives and never find their soulmate. Me? I get to spend my nights working alongside mine and my days dreaming of sharing a life with Him. And I will someday - I'm sure of it. Until then, I'll just keep waiting.