She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
"Is that your talent, McNally? Pointing out the obvious?" He's not trying to hurt her, simply make his usual sarcastic remark. And so what if it does hurt her. He's not going to pretend that he doesn't like his own girlfriend for god's sakes. And so what if the statement cuts her a little, she's acknowledging it too. She shouldn't have brought it up.
If it weren't for the warm summer breeze passing through the compound of squad cars, he'd have an excuse to hop into his truck, tell her to save it for tomorrow. But of course she chooses now to shatter the illusion that he has two perfect worlds, neither of which she took part in anymore. Not as his girlfriend, or partner... She was nothing.
If he's being perfectly honest, which he's been scared to be as of late, that illusion was shattered the second they opened that door.
"No." She says, simply, bringing Sam back to the moment, reminding him he has no get away.
But then her small smile vanishes, and he feels quite differently. Wishing her to feel the way he has felt, and seeing it are two very different things. Watching her demeanour change, to tell him the truth.
"I know when to quit."
He stops shuffling back and forth on his feet, he stops being antsy willing to make a clean get away without any heavy thoughts to keep him busy for the night while Marlo takes some time to herself.
Her voice is wavering on quakey, and by the time she begins speaking again he hears a slight break.
"I know when the odds are against me, and when to walk away." She nods, willing him to believe that she means what she's saying. That she's finally going to give in to what he's claimed he wants - simplicity.
'Yeah, like when you walked away during suspension, or when I asked for a second chance...'
But those doe eyes...
They are searching, and begging him to tell her she's wrong. That she has no talents because he still wants her so badly. Then again, his wants, and her knowing what cues to pick up on are very different. He could love her with all he's got, and the odds would still be against them. That's why, after everything, the easy road is the one he wants to take.
The road less traveled is beaten down and old. Probably nobody to maintain it. He bets that all the green is overgrown and you'd have to chop things down as you go. He sees it more like a jungle.
Sure, maybe it has some great views, and more rewarding inclines once conquered but...
What does Frost know?
"Goodnight Sam." She bids, making her way around him.
Is it though?
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child,
But she's always a woman to me
"How ya been McNally?"
"Good." She states simply, a little shoulder shrug, like it's as easy as anything. "What about you?"
"Who knows. " He lets go, with regret. He's fine. He's- "Stable."
God, he wants to kill himself here and now.
How does she do this? Open him up with those eyes. Those big brown pools of safety, and warmth. They're so familiar too him that he just sinks back in every time he stares too long. And he tries to look away, he really does, but who can resist what makes you feel safe, happy? He's trying, but he can't.
"If you can believe that."
And it's not the unbelievable part of his personal life. It really isn't. In the month that has followed McNally stepping graciously to the side, he's felt all of his determination and effort in his relationship with Marlo slip away. It was so easy when he was fighting Andy off. It was so easy using their competitive edge to keep his feelings at bay.
And still he makes the final plea for her to see that he's better this way, healthier, though not happier.
"Well I'm glad. As your friend... You know, cause I really do want to be your friend." She says, sincerely. Of all things, sincerity is not what he wanted to hear in her voice. Maybe an undertone of 'I still love you', or 'You dumb bastard, you don't know what you're missing'. But her genuinely wishing him well...
He wants her to be lying, have another agenda...
And maybe she does.
The real problem here is that he's lost all ability to get inside her head objectively. It was once so easy for him, watching her other relationships, weighing in as the voice of reason, the encouraging friend.
"It's not like I wasn't surprised..." She offered freely, having just defended to him that her engagement hadn't been quick - 'We do live together.'
"Oh yeah?" He grunted, trying to stay indifferent. He rarely kept up his 'no chit chat' on patrol charade, but of course over the year she figured out he didn't mean it at all. "What, did he hide the ring in a cupcake?"
"No-uh." She stated, shutting down his snide comment.
"Yeah, Callaghan's probably more of a sky writing kind of guy... Was a plane involved?"
He was goading her but ultimately teasing, and hoping maybe to get a smile, but she wasn't going for it. She was still extremely defensive and it had him wanting the story more and more.
"No it wasn't, it was simple." She conceded, wanting it to be the last thing said on the subject.
"Oh." He said, also wanting to be done with the topic, but as she turned her head to the side, more of a confession came forward.
"Well actually, I kind of found the ring in Luke's stuff and then he came home and it just happened." She ended it with a smile, but he was already getting in line with questions about the fishy proposal, the spur of the moment, moment.
"You found it in his stuff, and then it just happened..."
"I mean, it wasn't snooping." She cut in, before the entire sentence was out of his mouth. "Yeah, it happened, but in a good way."
The argument itself was all it took. She confessed, went on the defensive, and wanted to pretend like she had never doubted their moment for a second. And he wondered for a while what she wanted him to think of it.
She wanted him to see her doubt. To see it, and agree that it was peculiar, that maybe she should be asking questions.
But at the same time, they got on each others' nerves so much they couldn't stand for the other to be right. To have a leg up. It was a matter of stubborn minds being too alike for their own good. She felt the need to validate her choice, but get his opinion on the matter as well.
He had watched, and weighed in when she wanted him to.
And now she wanted to be that for him.
Problem is, he wore his "hidden" agenda on his sleeve. Her happiness.
But he couldn't find hers.
"I thought we already were friends."
She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
"I love you." She announced while he was mid-sentence, blabbering on about the fact that Oliver didn't have a dog.
He thought he felt his jaw drop and heart stop at the same time, so he closed it and swallowed the lump his throat thinking maybe it'd work as a jump start. But his wide, drying eyes fuelled by disbelief stayed wide, and his heart stayed stopped. Until it thundered, and wouldn't quit.
"What?" He heard her wrong, he did. Must have.
She turns herself towards him now, and he's half expecting her to say that they're done, the complete opposite, but...
"I do, I love you."
He really wishes his heartbeat would soften. He's not quite sure that he can handle the smile on her face, that is reaffirming her statement every second of doubt that follows.
She's blabbering on about how proud she is that she's finally gotten it out there, that she's relieved the feelings bubbling up inside her for some time, but he can't seem to slow time down to enjoy the moment.
"You mean like now?"
It appears that maybe those seconds that followed should've been filled by a statement of his own, but he can't seem to find his own words. Though he's afraid that if he did, they wouldn't be those three.
"Look, you don't have to say it back." She says worriedly a moment later, reading his mind. I don't care that you've never said it-"
How did she know-
"And I don't care if you never say it."
She says that now but-
"This is how I feel, so, there, I'm saying it." She says, finally sounding as though she's going to leave the topic alone as she stares ahead at the steering wheel.
But-
"Want me to say it again?" She smiles. Kid in a candy shop she looks like. Good candy...
"Start the truck." He breathes, just trying to keep control of his beats per minute.
If she did, he thinks his heart might just beat right out of his chest. He wishes it would soften.
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe
"What are you talking about?"
"I love you Andy." He says finally, realizing that this could be his last chance, that if there is an afterlife, he'll spend it regretting the words left unspoken. "I do."
He doesn't want her to think that it's only because she could be gone in seconds, or that he feels badly about how things ended, he really doesn't. He knows that that may seem how it's coming off right now.
But he just needs her to believe that he could never mean it more. He's not sure, but maybe he's spent three years trying to show her instead.
"Sam," She begins. And for a half a millisecond, before her eyes meet his, he thinks maybe she'll say them back. You don't just stop loving somebody in six weeks, do you?
"I'm holding a bomb."
He doesn't really know what to say after that.
What he does know, is that without her, there's no him.
"So am I." He says, not really thinking, as he feels his hands cradle hers.
And she'll take what you give her, as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me
It was what it was. And it was. Just like he told her.
But the minute she threw those words back in his face he knew.
He knew she'd always keep a piece of him. A piece of him that was intact the night of the blackout, and gone that very morning.
A piece of him that wouldn't have burned with jealousy when Callaghan so carelessly implied that he and Andy would be up to everything but fishing at his cabin.
"I need your help." Callaghan had said. And like an idiot-
"Won't get in your way."
He shouldn't have stepped aside so easily. Should've told him just how his girlfriend delivered herself to his doorstep not too long ago.
"You wanna talk?"
"No."
He wishes so badly that they would've just talked.
If they had, he'd be whole. He wouldn't be throwing away the coffee that was meant for her.
"Jerry." He'd said, trying to cover the heart on his sleeve.
"I don't know... Bounce in your step, twinkle in your eye. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were in love."
He wouldn't be watching her walk out of the Penny, under another man's arm. She had that piece of him that wouldn't have wished that man was him.