From Green Hill Zone to Zone Blazed: The Life and Death of Sonic the Hedgehog
The year is 2025. A decade has passed since Sega opted to create solely mobile games, leaving former star Sonic the Hedgehog with nowhere to run. Feeling blue without a medium to unleash his passion of going fast, our hero has spin-dashed down a dark, dark road. Far away from the safe haven of Green Hill Zone, Sonic the Hedgehog lives in a shady alleyway located in the heart of Los Angeles. The following tale documents Sonic's battle with post fame depression and drug addiction.
"…Do you have it?" Twitching and foaming at the mouth, former celebrity Sonic the Hedgehog met his dealer at the usual spot: the parking lot of a local Sonic's restaurant.
"Yeah man, but you're creeping me out. Let's do this quick," whispered Sonic's drug dealer. The two made a stealthy exchange of blood money and pills, and the two parted ways as suddenly as they met up. Sonic the Hedgehog had been guided into a troubled lifestyle thanks to unemployment and a lack of proper education as a child star. Sonic's plummet accelerated greatly upon his first encounter with the drug "speed." Scientifically referred to as an amphetamine, speed may be known to many Americans as "Adderall." Sonic's addiction to speed led to him being focused in on the world only when he was high off excessive doses. As Sonic rolled to his home behind a dumpster, he ingested four pills (an excessive dose) and felt his heart beginning to pound at an abnormal rate. He twitched more and more, and a restless feeling took over Sonic. Those passing by the alleyway sped their pace to avoid the crazed blue hedgehog shaking and muttering repeatedly, "Gotta go fast, gotta go fast, gotta go fast…" Spiraling downward more and more, Sonic's overly focused and nervous mind determined that the alleyway was not where he would like to spend his night, and he made his way into the darker part of the city where the local gangs dwelled.
Pacific Standard Time struck midnight as an under the influence Sonic the Hedgehog suddenly felt a massive loss of energy. Falling on his back on a random sidewalk, Sonic began to suffer the consequences of taking a prescription drug not prescribed to him. Unforeseen consequences, however, were about to leave their mark on him. Wearing a red bandanna over his face and pants sagging well below the waist, a mustached man approached Sonic's barely moving body.
"Blue, eh?" The mystery man crouched down and observed Sonic. "I don't like no crips…" Sonic, not understanding the dangerous situation he was suddenly in due to an overdose of Adderall, twitched and responded, "Gotta go fast, gotta go fast, gotta go fast…" Impatient, the bandanna donning man crouched back up and kicked Sonic in the side. The pain caused Sonic's heart to pound violently at a very irregular pace. He began to crawl away, muttering song lyrics to his favorite song, "I'm Blue" by Eiffel 65.
"Richurd Spanish doesn't like the color blue. Goodbye beautiful," and with that, Blood Money Richurd unloaded his glock on Sonic and proceeded to flee. Random citizens who passed by minutes later tried to help Sonic, but it was too late. Taking drugs that he wasn't supposed to had led to a dangerous situation and an untimely demise for the unfortunate hedgehog, and the blue hedgehog's legacy was forever smeared red.