* * * Dear Dad * * *
Dear Dad:
Did you know that you hurt me? I cried the night you were arrested. You always said I was weak; I guess you were right. Over and over in my mind, I have been wondering why you did it. But you always did things that I couldn't explain. Even you couldn't explain them to me.
You hurt Mom too. But you hurt her in a different way. I think she's actually happier now that you're gone. She hurts, but she knew that it had to happen. When Mom wakes up in the morning, she tells me that it's a new day, and that I have to make the best of it. Did you know that I do?
Dear Dad:
Did you know that I constantly wonder why you did it? I suppose that's a question I ask a lot: "Why did you do it?" But maybe that's because it's never been answered. I always hated the things you did. Was it that hard to just stop? Was it really impossible for you?
The police think you did a bad thing. The government thinks you did a bad thing. Mom thinks you did a bad thing. Me? I think you did a bad thing too. Did you know that I still wonder how you could hurt us like that?
Dear Dad:
Did you know that I'm mad at you? Everything inside of me knows that I shouldn't be, but I am. It's your fault, after all. Why shouldn't I be mad? It's only a lifetime of pain, right? It's only a thousand insecurities that I'll have to deal with forever, right?
So I'm angry. That's why I haven't come to see you yet. That's why I'll probably never see you. Every time I think about you, I can feel the anger boiling in my stomach. I hate it. I don't want to feel this way about my own father. Did you know that I don't want to be mad at you?
Dear Dad:
Did you know that Mom started dating again? She's been looking at profiles online. She says she's ready to move on. I haven't seen her this happy in a long time. When she goes out on dates, I stay in my room and play video games, hoping that this guy will be better than you.
But every time Mom comes home, she looks sad. She'll tell me that the man she met was better than you could ever be, but he still wasn't "the one." Did you know that Mom is truly and honestly over you?
Dear Dad:
Did you know that I have a new dad now? The wedding was last week. I have a new home and everything. My step-dad is an inventor. He's pretty awesome (according to himself). I can already tell that he's better than you.
I look around my new room and think that this is a brand new start for me. New school, new friends, new family. Everything is really looking up. This life won't be so hard; I can tell. Nothing could be worse than my life with you. Did you know that my new dad is so much more amazing than you could ever be?
Dear Dad:
Did you know that I have new siblings, too? They are absolutely incredible. We've already been on so many adventures together. Guess what? They love me. I'm kind of the odd-one-out among them (they're really close), but they still accept me.
I always wondered what having siblings would be like. The arguments, the teasing, the fiercely loyal protection, the love. It's a hundred times better than I ever could have imagined. Did you know that having siblings is great?
Dear Dad:
Did you know that I got a girlfriend? Well, kind of. She's a girl. She's my friend. We haven't kissed or anything, but I'm working on it. She likes to hang out with me and she's really funny and sweet and smart.
You always said that I was like a walking can of girl repellant. My new siblings say that too, but they say it in a teasing way. Not in the angry, spiteful way that you used to. Did you know that I just proved you wrong?
Dear Dad:
Did you know that my siblings love my new dad regardless of anything, even the fact that he's not their real dad? We all just learned that he's their uncle instead. So technically they're my cousins. But they still love him.
They love him like a father, even if he isn't their real father. They love me like a brother, even if I'm not their real brother. That's real love. Family is more than just a blood relation. It's a true bond between people. You probably wouldn't understand what family really is. Did you know that I have a new family now?
Dear Dad:
Did you know that those bionic superhumans you've been hearing about are my siblings? I'm sure you've heard about them, even where you are. They've got crazy-cool abilities that I've known about for a few years now. Finally they can take credit for saving the world.
They loved me, even if I wasn't as special as they were. (I am now, but that's a different, crazy story that I don't have time to write and I'm not allowed to talk about.) They accepted me into their wild family and loved me unconditionally. Did you know that I have the most awesome siblings ever?
Dear Dad:
Did you know that I still love you? I was only ten when I wrote my first letter to you, and I never sent it. I thought that maybe it was finally time. Ten letters in six years, and you'll finally get to read them all.
Did you know that I love the dad I have now? I love him more than you, in case you were wondering. When I think about my dad, I think about him. He's the one who's always been there for me. He picks me up when I fall; he's not the one pushing me down. He loves me . . . a lot.
Did you know that you still mean something to me? I have a new dad. I love him. I do. But you're still going to be my biological father, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I will always be 'that kid whose dad is in jail,' even if most people don't know it. Before I moved in with my new dad, the kids at school would tease me about that. They would avoid me. Now I've got a new school where no one knows.
Did you know that I don't want to be like you? Every day I wake up and think, "I won't be like Dad today." I do everything in my power to be the complete opposite of you. I've worked hard at this, too. If I'm doing something that I think you would approve of, I immediately stop.
I still don't think I could come visit you. It would hurt too much. The bulletproof windows; the guards; you. Not yet, Dad. I'm sorry. I can't face you right now. Maybe someday, but not yet. Did you know that I've forgiven you?
~ Leo Francis Dooley (Remember me? I'm your son.)