Song: world so cold, by three days grace.
this didnt win, no, in my poll, but i believe i am going to do a song-fic for just about every song, so...yeah. anyways, go check out that poll and vote some more, neh? it would help me update faster X3
XXX
I never thought I'd feel this
Guilty and I'm broken down inside
Livin' with myself nothing but lies
I closed my eyes, willing my tears to stop before I fell deep into a whirlwind of depression. I've been getting those lately, and there was only one reason as to why I've had lover, my life, my solitude, and my world, had fallen right in front of me, his life already faded from his eyes as he collapsed to his death. He died for me. He died because of me. Don't you think that it's amazing that a single bullet can take more than one's life away? not only my lover's, but whatever life i had also made up? It's true. And the only thing I have left to hold onto, the only thing that made me feel human anymore, was living with myself, the guilt welling up in my body until I could never feel another thing in my solitary life. I'm pitiful. But, just as everyone else but Grimmjow, I don't care. anymore, at least.
I always thought I'd make it
But never knew I'd let it get so bad
Livin' with myself is all I have
After he died, I thought I could still make something of myself. I thought I could deal, I thought i was stronger than I am, but as time went by, it dawned on me that I could never see him again. Feel his touch on my body. Taste the sweat n his lips as I kissed him. Heard his coo's of a lovers carass, nor smell his cologne after he took a well-deserved shower. He wasn't there anymore to comfort me.
I'd let the depression and anxiety comfort me. I'd let it embrace me. and look what happened. this...shell of a person I was. My other half died because of me.
I was so weak.
I feel numb
I can't come to life
I feel like I'm frozen in time
Too much anger towards myself, I knew, led to this. The world was just too...cruel, for what people say. I felt like the world was no longer revolving, like it was frozen in time, stuck because I screwed it up. I guess it was my alternate hell. I guess I was already too far gone to believe anything else that sputtered out of my lips, those dead lips that would never meet Grimmjow's again. His lips had been perfect. They were rough and chapped sometimes, and others smooth and relaxing. Most of the time I believed I could get lost in those alone, if I was not already.
But my world was already frozen without him. It was gone, falling, and finally wasting away until there was nothing left but crystal bone.
Livin' in a world so cold, wasting away
Livin' in a shell with no soul since you've gone away
Livin' in a world so cold, counting the days
Since you've gone away, you've gone away
Why, Grimmjow, did you have to do that to me? Why, Grimmjow, did I let you do that to me? Did you just...have to die? It was somethign I've brooded from time to time in my life. I was living in this...portable body without a soul in it since you've gone somewhere. They have said this over and over, that your in a better place, but are you? Are you in a better place without me? Are you...happier?
I've been counting days, months, years, even decades since you made it up there. Every day your day comes around, your birthday, or even your death date, I find myself wanting to visit you. I find myself wishing for you, but even as tha happens, it would never happen, would it? the world wouldn't let that happen - living in this cold, cold world.
Currently, as i sat down on the swing, another cold breeze swept past me. I didn't shiver. I haven't for a while. Ever since that has happened to me, I find myself too lost in my mind to onder about the outside world anymore. I wish Icoult see you, Grimmjow. You always thought there was a world after you died, you believed ghosts were there. But Grimmjow, are you there? Did your wish come true, to be someone in the afterlife who mattered? A strong, independant man, who didn't bow down to any piece of shit there? Grimmjow, are you a king?
You were the king to me.
Do you ever feel me?
Do you ever look deep down inside
Starin' at yourself, paralyzed?
Have you finally reached Nirvanna, Grimmjow? I really hope you have. And even though I could never see you again, I wish you well.
Sometimes I wonder, can you see me up there? And if you can, what would you say to me? Would you be upset, or would you be amused, per say 'come on, Ichi. I know your better than this!' in your scruffy, demanding voice that could send shivers throughout my body. Well, what is it like, to be dead?
Do you feel good?
Do you feel angry?
do you feel...happy?
"Shit." I muttered to myself as it started to rain. After a few minutes, it started to pour. I still didn't shiver, because my skin was already accustomed to the cold, with only a white tee-shirt on in the middle of January. People call me flat-out stupid and emo when I do this, but I few it was accustoming to the cold world I live in now. I felt as if I was a part of it, melted gold into the sun. Maybe I was, only a pawn for the death of Grimmjow.
I feel numb
I can't come to life
I feel like I'm frozen in time
I've always felt numb. It was something I was used to now. Just like Grimmjow used to say, I adapted to something so easily it usually scared him.
As I kicked the mud away from my sinking foot, I think about all my friends who had abandoned me. Back when we were actually friends who would die for eachother, if it were like that now, they would cheer me up (or attempt to) and say I was being an idiot. But, as they know now, I couldn't come back to life anymore. No more than Grimmjow.
Livin' in a world so cold, wasting away
Livin' in a shell with no soul since you've gone away
Livin' in a world so cold, counting the days
Since you've gone away, you've gone away from me
I stood. I wasn't going to take this shit anymore. There was only one way to maybe, jsut maybe, find out if Grimmjow was right. Maybe, just maybe, in this ever-so-bred-of-evil world, I could see Grimmjow again.
The destination was the haggity old bridge back where Grimmjow and I used to hang out.
Where I would fall.
I'm too young to lose my soul
I'm too young to feel this old
So long, I'm left behind
I feel like I'm losing my mind
Fuck. Losing my life only when I was twenty-three. This was shit. But it was better than the state I was in, the state where I've already tasted too much of life. I've tasted cutting, beating, killing, arguing, rape, running away, and...being with Grimmjow. That was the only good thing that has happened in my life.
As I walked on, I could here raven's crowing in the distance. I flinched as tears started up again. Holding them back, I was used to this. It's not like you can just outright cry in the middle of class.
Leaves crunched under me. I then shivered. yeah. I've met too much of life. So many emotions bottled up in so little time...it wasn't like I didn't try to help myself. Theropy sessions, I tried to go to. But I couldn't ever find the will to talk. It was a depressing feeling - to not be able to talk to anyone anymore. I got used to it.
I walked on.
For once, I was sure about something in my life other than loving Grimmjow.
Do you ever feel me?
Do you ever look deep down inside
Starin' at your life, paralyzed?
If Grimmjow were only here now. If he could see what I was going to do now.
The bridge came into view, about a half a mile still away. I smirked. He would probably scream at me and tell me I was stupid again. He would tell me I was a complete idiot, and if I persued, he would eventually yank me back to our home in which he would lecture me for days on end. I chuckled, humor still far from reaching my voice as I continued. My legs buckled under me, but that was ignored completly.
Then I stopped to think something.
Would he even stop me now, or would he believe it was the best for me to get my life over with? If he were still alive, of course.
I shook my head. he always knew best. He wouldn't stop me, he would fall in with me.
I just knew that.
I continued to the bridge.
Livin' in a world so cold, wasting away
Livin' in a shell with no soul since you've gone away
Livin' in a world so cold, counting the days
Since you've gone away, you've gone away from me
When I got there, I could already here the rushing water under my sholess foot. I smiled. Maybe I would meet Grimmjow, in the afterlife. That blue hair, that intoxicating smell, that wonderful, cocky, arrogant smirk, and that loving side that no one ever knew but me. Maybe he'd be back.
Pfft, like bloody hell. In this vile world, where peopl are depressed and anxious left and right, what good could be left in it? not much, I believe.
I stepped to the edge. Grimmjow flashed briefly through my mind, as stared down at the water. I was too high up to see much more than a black outline of me in the water.
"You idiot..." I heard somethign whisper in the wind. Smiling, I looked out at the sunset. That was Grimmjow's voice. And, even though I knew it was a hallucination, it stragnely calmed me. "Ichi, why do ya gotta do this?" the wind said to me again, as it blew harshly past me. I put one foot over the edge.
"I'm not doing it for you, Grimmjow, I'm doing this for me." I whispered, as a genuinly happy smile fell from my lips.
"you..."
I fell.
Deeper, deeper, and deeper down, I fell, until I felt the stinging pain of belly-flopping in the icy water, not even bothering to swim as the sunset fell into the lake. With another chuckle, i felt the breath fall out from my lips, until I became numb under water. Pleasently, I felt my heart-beat slowly come to a stop, as i finally let the blackness of the cold world engulf me also, bringing me down to rest in the solitude. Just like a bird who was stripped from it's feathers or wing, I was stripped from my lover because of my selfish acts.
And, in my own was, I was repenting.
And, finally, hanging on with the last bit of light of the world, I hoped, someday, I would be abe to see Grimmjow again.
And, just maybe, that stubborn bastard would forgive me for doing this.
Just maybe.
I'm too young
I'm too young...
XXX
Hope you liked guys, and I hoped you cried over this Dx it was my goal, but i dont think even i qould cry over this.
IMPORTANT: yush, my computer did crash. why does this only happen to people who enjoy writing? DX...anyway, my updates will be cancelled for a while until i can recover the remainder of my fanfics. and dammit, i had a good start on assassins too. blame this fucking shitty computer DX
R&R PLEASE!