Disclaimer: Avatar the Last Airbender does not belong to me. It is the property of Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Koneitzko. No profit is made from this story, nor do I claim rights to the characters and world of Avatar. MAYBE, if all Suethors die a horrible, flaming death, I might take down this story.
Die Sue, Die!
The happy sextet of travelers sat all together on the back of Appa, continuing their adventure to bring the world back to balance. They were hungry and tired, as a long day of travel was wont to do to them, so they settled and set up camp.
Everyone had their place. Toph had her little tent made of stone. Katara had her tent of tarp. Sokka and Aang wanted to sleep out under the night sky. Zuko preferred to set his own area away from the others. He preferred his own space, which his uncle understood. And no, he was not making out with Katara passionately and declaring his love for her. He was just not the mushy kind of guy. Nor was Katara making out with Aang. Because she's not a pedophile.
The older man set about making tea and sat next to the fire, sipping at it calmly and telling Aang a amusing story of when he was younger while Zuko and Katara practiced their bending arts respectively on their own.
Suddenly Toph stood up and cocked her head. The others knew that this meant that something big was coming. Was it Azula again?
There was a sudden flash of light and some random girl fell out of the sky. She blinked and got to her feet, brushing the dust off her strange-looking clothes and flipping her highlighted hair over her shoulder. The obnoxious child then looked around at her surroundings before her eyes fell on the group.
"OHMYGAWD IVE LANDED IN THE AVATARVERSE! MY DREAM HAS COME TRUE!!!" she squawked and jumped around in glee. She earned a deadpan stare from everyone. Iroh was the first to speak and asked in a pleasant manner who she was and what she was doing.
The girl revealed herself to be named Britney or Chelsea or Angelica or something like that, and she went on and on about how in her world Avatar was a TV show and about how it was way popular and mega-cool. The fact that they were able to glean her name was amazing, for it was near impossible to understand her modern-day speak.
The group found it hard to swallow. Toph got in the girl's face and demanded to know if she was insane or not and she also wanted to know what a 'teevee show' was. Before this girl could answer, there was another bang.
Three girls came this time much to everyone's bewilderment. To add to this, the girls got up and suddenly started bending.
"I'm a Firebending Master!" one girl exclaimed.
"I'm a Waterbending Master!" another said. The third exclaimed that she was an Airbending master!
"Ph34r m4h 1337 h4xx bending skillz0rz!" they laughed and proceeded to bend with such mastery that it was unreal. They also spoke with the most atrocious grammar and soon all of the Avatar characters had headaches trying to figure out their speech.
"Isn't Aang the last Airbender?" Katara pointed out. She was shoved aside. Sokka came to his sister's defense when one of the girls (no one actually gave a rat's ass about which one was which, most of all Zuko) glomped him and professed her love for him. The other three glomped Zuko and started molesting him.
"Your scar and angst is SO sexy!!! I will marry you and have your BABIES!!!"
The Prince shoved them all aside, but they swarmed right back onto him. He said not one word and shoved them aside again and started to stalk off. He had no interest in being molested. No matter what people (especially Suethors) might say, he wasn't some kind of horny playboy.
The girl's chatter filled the air and it was painful to everyone's ears. Momo went batshit because his sensitive ears were unaccustomed to such a shrill noise, and he chattered angrily and retreated into the trees. Meanwhile, Sokka and Zuko were fighting off the unwanted attention as the others looked at them bewilderedly.
"There's more coming…" the young Earthbender said with concern.
Another bang came this time, along with a rainbow and gold sparkle and some kind of mystical fanfare. The girl had purple eyes and the most stunning blonde hair any one ever saw and it had pink and rainbow streaks in it and was cut diagonally and horizontally and vertically and she had odango like Sailormoon too OMG. Her dress had sparkles on it and it flowed gracefully and hugged her perfect and lithe form and the nipples on her DD breasts poked through the fabric too. Some sakura petals fluttered behind her, even though she wasn't a bishounen. Just because.
Everyone stared but just for a moment before they regained their senses. This odd woman fluttered her eyelids at the men but Aang just stared back as did Iroh, and Zuko and Sokka were still fighting off the molesting touches.
"Um, who are you?" Aang asked the new woman. Or girl. It was hard to tell because she looked young but she was sure well-stacked.
"I am Empiressina Diamond Rainbow Sparkleglitter Serenity Moonshine Sakura and I am the new Avatar and I am also your sister!" she declared in a melodious voice that only drew anguished screeches from Momo.
"…But…there's only one Avatar," Katara pointed out but she was ignored again.
"And my family would be dead by now," Aang added. Empiressina waved her hand dismissively.
"I am here to help you defeat the Fire Lord!" she declared.
"But that's what I have Zuko and Iroh and Toph and Sokka and Katara for," Aang pointed out.
"Zuko and Sokka are only good for sex toys and all Iroh does is drink tea and Katara's just a Mary Sue!" Empiressina giggled.
"What!" Katara asked in disbelief.
"No one insults me or my uncle like that!" Zuko said coldly. He removed his broadswords and hacked the girls around him to pieces. Normally, he would feel remorse for having to kill someone because of his code of honor, but he was not even sure that the things molesting him were human.
Empiressina was really creeping Aang out. Her hair was…so odd, and her eyes…were so purple. And her breasts…were so big.
"Not only can I bend the 4 elements but I can also bend light and shadow and plants and love and animals and heart and blood and soul and spirit and I am psychic and I can teleport and I'm sure that I have some other powers, I just can't remember them right now!" she said with a giggle that was supposed to be cute but it was like nails on a chalkboard to everyone's ears. She immediately descended onto Zuko.
"Ohh Zuzu, you don't need Katara! What you need is a REAL woman!" Empiressina giggled. Everyone else was so horrified by the sight that they were transfixed, and unable to hear Sokka's cries for help as he fought off the attention of the overzealous fangirl with no life.
"What? Me and Katara? You're out of your mind!" Zuko roared before he shoved his broadswords into Empiressina's chest. Despite all of her fabulous uber-Avatar powers, Empiressina died, because Zuko is so bad-ass. Then Zuko pulled the screaming fangirl off Sokka and dispatched of her. All the corpses burst into sparkles.
"I knew they were not human! And if I end up with Katara, it's because I want to, not because some retard fangirls want me to, and if it happens, our relationship will progress at a normal pace, without any stupid vows of love right off the bat!" Zuko declared as he put his swords away. He then went into the woods to meditate and practice his Firebending.
While he was alone and working, a peasant girl came through the trees. Zuko stopped and glanced at the girl calmly, scrutinizing her to make sure she was not going to molest him. She looked like an ordinary peasant girl and he shrugged. Probably a local girl out picking berries or what not.
But when she came closer he saw that she was of extraordinary beauty, and she immediately offered to heal his scar. He knew she was another one of these things, and set her on fire.
The group traveled along, determined to bring down the Fire Lord. On their way, they encountered more Mary Sues and girls who had found their way from this world into the Avatarverse. Most of them tried to rape Zuko, but Sokka had quite a few girls go for him, and Aang even got himself a couple. Of course, all three boys did not welcome these affections and had to fight off these idiotic fangirls.
Toph and Katara as well as Iroh were regularly ignored or insulted by these pernicious fanbrats, and all three were all too eager to help the boys fight off the Sues. By this point, they were uncertain of what was the biggest threat… the Fire Lord and Sozin's comet, or the fanbrats. They even suspected that the Fire Lord might have sent these Sparklypoos after them.
But when they came to his palace, it was overrun by Sparklypoos and Mary Sues. It was such a horrifying and unexpected sight. The Fire Lord ran out of the doors, screaming like a little girl. This was not in character for him, but even the Fire Lord had to be frightened of the Sparklypoo.
"Get these Sues out of my palace! Ninety-nine percent of them claim to be my daughters, and the other ninety-nine (yes, I know) claim to be my lover!" he screamed as he set fire to one blue-eyed and black-haired girl who ran after him, screaming "Daddy!"
It truly stunned Aang and his group to see the Fire Lord so cowed by this. But on second thought, what sane person wouldn't be frightened and disgusted of the Sparklypoo?
The Fire Lord actually joined sides with his son, and the Fire Nation royals now had the entire Fire Army at their disposal along with the Avatar. But this was not enough. No matter how many Sparklypoos anyone smote, more simply appeared in their place. Infact, the Sues seemed to actually multiply for each one cut down. The situation was dire indeed.
The Avatar traveled to the Spirit World, where he saw the answer to the Sue problem. There was a gaping hole in the space-time continuum, connecting our world to theirs. It was not a natural opening, for it had been wrested open by fanbrats who had nothing better to do with their time than to publicly masturbate with their keyboard and spew out their personal fantasies on the Internet. Aang did not know what an Internet or a keyboard was, but he understood the Sue threat.
With his power, and the powers of all the previous Avatars before him, Aang sealed the rip between dimensions, and he also strengthened the fabric of space-time so that it would be very difficult for anyone to tear it. As an additional measure, Koh was placed as guardian of the fabric, so that in case someone did tear it open, he would be there to eat the face of whoever came through and mend the fabric.
Koh gained quite a few faces ever since, though he never wanted to keep any of them – who would? He always discarded the faces of the Sues soon enough, and he would tear them apart and spin thread out of them to mend the fabric whenever a Suethor was obnoxious enough to make a hole in it.
And so, Zuko and the other males of Avatar would never again be glomped or molested or have to listen to the screeches of annoying Sues and fangirls. Aang and all of his future incarnations would be the only Avatars. Katara and Toph, along with Azula and her friends, remained the strong (and badass) female characters of the show. Canon remained canon and was not disturbed by Suethors raping the characters of Avatar.
Zuko became the Fire Lord. Who he ended up marrying is not important. But his mom did come back and he was happy. Maybe he married Katara, maybe he did not. One thing for certain – he never acted like some kind of stupid sap in love, and he found happiness on his own. Anyone who tried to molest or rape him was set afire.
Katara became the Waterbending Master. Who she ended up marrying is not important. Maybe she married Zuko, maybe she did not. One thing for certain, she was not a helpless maiden for him to rescue, or capture. She was a fierce and strong woman, and Zuko respected that.
Iroh gladly took up second of command for Zuko. He still enjoys tea, but he doesn't just sit around drinking it all day. He's a bad ass character, you know, and everyone respected him as such, especially Jun.
Sokka became one of the finest Water Tribe warriors in history. He was also quite a stud, and he had his own harem of women, including Suki, Ty Lee, and Yue. Damn, what a pimp.
Toph became an Earthbending Master. Boulder is now her completely henpecked husband. And she cheats on him with Iroh. And Sokka. She can do whatever the fuck she wants, because she is made of pure awesome.
Mai and Ty Lee became lesbian lovers and they had hot lesbian sex everyday and they founded the Avatarverse Feminist Movement. Jin and Song joined them.
No one is quite sure what happened to crazy Azula. As for her dad, he founded a prison pen pal program, and it was pretty cool.
The Cabbage Guy still sold cabbages. And the Foaming Guy still foamed.
The Avatar did what he always does – work hard to keep the balance. In his spare time he likes to have tea and play Pi Sho with Iroh, and take long walks on the beach with Katara and volunteer at the local animal shelter. He is also the founder of the Happy Sky health food chain, which sells healthy vegetarian alternatives to meat.
And, P.S. Every time a new Sue is made, baby Yue cries. Please, think of baby Yue!
P.S.S. Every time a Sue is born, Ozai kills a penguin. Please, think of the penguins. And Yue!