The Things I've Done.

Chapter 1

I was walking down the white sterile DYAD hallways on my way to see Cosima. It was the end of a long boring workday, and I had to drop off some notes about Gracie's case before I could go home. I really didn't feel like seeing Cosima right now though. I was exhausted and I knew that seeing her would only make that worse. At the same time my body craved her existence, so I almost couldn't help it. I didn't want to see her, but I needed to.

It had been a week since I came back. And it had by far been the worst week of my life. Everything was going wrong, and nothing was going according to my plan. My plan, my stupid useless plan. How did I ever think that I could have control in a place like this? My new "position" at DYAD meant nothing. Everyone involved in this mess was still playing me, including Cosima, who was now not telling me anything anymore. Not that I blamed her, I would get it if she hated me, I hated me.

So I turned the corner and walked up to the door with my head down, feeling defeated and tired. I debated for a second whether to knock or just use my pass card and walk in. Then I remembered the fact that I was her boss, and dropping of these papers was just me doing my job, I didn't need her permission. So I swiped my pass card over the lock, and opened the door slowly. I was expecting to see Cosima sitting at her desk buried in Castor research. Instead I saw her small body sleeping on the couch. My first instinct was to check if she was in fact just sleeping or if something was wrong, but when I reached the couch I could see her breathing slowly. A book was resting beside her and her glasses had fallen to the ground. I reached for them and place them on the table beside the couch. I should've probably just left her there and let her sleep, but I couldn't resist myself. So I kneeled down in front of her, placing a hand softly on her cheek, gracing my thumb slowly across it. She looked so peaceful and sad, like she had been crying. I desperately wanted to crawl behind her and hold her tight. Tell her that everything was okay, but I knew that it wasn't. I knew that I was probably the reason she had been crying.

I got so lost in everything that I didn't realize that I was still caressing her cheek until she started to wake up. She slowly opened her eyes, and to my surprise she didn't move, she just stared into my eyes, like me being here was a normal thing.

"Delphine..."

"Yes"

"What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to make sure that you were okay"

"I'm fine" She said almost as a whisper.

At this point I couldn't resist it anymore. I leaned in and kissed her lips softly, and for a second she kissed me back. But then before I knew it, she pulled back suddenly, and sat up in the couch.

"No Delphine! You can't just…kiss me"

I stayed frozen staring into the now empty part of the couch, not daring to say anything.

"It doesn't work that way...you can't just…"

"How does it work then Cosima? What do you want me to do?" I said quietly, still staring into the empty space.

"You left me! You can't just kiss me, and except everything to be okay" She raised her voice, obviously angry about what had just happened.

"I'm sorry…" I whispered and slowly raised myself from the floor, ready to walk out and leave her there. She obviously didn't want me, so there was nothing left for me to do, I knew I had to give her space.

"You can't just kiss me and leave me either" she said quietly with a crack in her voice. I turned around, and looked at her. She looked hurt, her lip was trembling and tears were forming in her eyes. A tremendous amount of guilt started to rush over me, I wanted to tell her that I was staying, that I would never leave her again. But I knew she wouldn't believe me. She wasn't asking me to stay. She was asking for answers. Answers I refused to give her. Answers I wasn't sure I even had.

"What do you want me to do Cosima" I tried again.

"Just tell me the truth please, just give me an explanation"

"What explanation?" I asked acting confused, even though I knew exactly was she wanted to hear.

"Why did you leave me?" she blurted out.

"Cosima…"

"And don't tell me some bullshit about you wanting to protect all of us, because we both know you didn't have to break up with me to do that!"

"I can't tell you here…"

"Why not?"

"It's not safe…you know that"

"I'm not sure I know anything anymore when it comes to you Delphine" she said with heavy defeat in her voice. Like a part of her had already given up on me.

I was quiet for a while. She had a point, I hadn't been given her much information about what I was doing. But I was only trying to protect her from all of it. From me. And I knew she would never understand my reasons anyway.

"Please just talk to me" She pleaded with a much softer voice than before.

"Okay…come with me"

"What? Where?"

"I can't tell you, just please if you want answers. Come with me"

"Okay"

We were driving for a long time. Probably about an hour or so. Not that my place was that far from DYAD, but I couldn't risk anyone following us, so I had to make some turns along the way. I had no idea what was about to happen. I had no idea what to tell her. I just knew that she was right. I owed her some kind of an explanation. But then so did she. I knew that there was a lot that she wasn't telling me either. So I wasn't just doing this so that she could get answers. I was doing it so I could get some myself.

Neither of us said anything the entire drive. I think we both knew that this wasn't the time or place. We slowly started to reach my apartment complex. I parked in my usual spot, and went over to open Cosima's door, but she beat me too it.

"I can open the door myself Dr. Cormier, I'm not a child, despite whatever you might think of me," She said bitterly.

I just lowered my head with a sigh, and turned to walk inside. We walked up the stairs, both knowing that an elevator ride would've been too painfully awkward. When we reached my door, I slowly opened it and walked in first, Cosima trailing behind me.

I walked to the kitchen.

"Do you want some wine?"

"We here now, so just start talking Delphine…please," She said, while walking to the other side of the kitchen, placing herself against the refrigerator.

I rested my hands on the counter, lowering my head as a tear fell down my cheek.

"I don't know who I am anymore Cosima" I said quietly while shaking my head.

She didn't say anything, so for a second I thought she had left. Then suddenly I heard footsteps approaching me, and two hands coming to rest at my waist. She was so close to me now, I almost couldn't take it. She lowered her head and placed a kiss on my neck.

"I know who you are Delphine" she whispered.

"No you don't, I've done a lot of horrible things lately Cosima"

"What have you done?" She said in the same calming voice as before.

I couldn't hold it in anymore, all of the fear, the regret, and the heartbreak. With Cosima so close to me, I couldn't hold the walls up anymore. It felt like everything was crumbling down on me. I broke down. Tears starting streaming down my cheeks and I did everything to choke down small sobs, but failed. Cosima's arms wrapped fully around my waist and pulled me closer. She placed her head in the crow of my neck.

"It's okay, just let go, I've got you…everything is going to be okay" she whispered into my ear.

I found her hands on my stomach and intertwined our fingers, while I let a big sob escape my mouth, breaking down fully in her arms.

"I love you" I managed to say in between the sobs.

"It's okay" She just kept whispering. Not really saying the words I needed to hear.

"Everything will be okay"