Fallen Apart
He was back. Or rather, I guess it's more accurate to say that he was just showing himself again. He never left. Even when he was quiet I could still hear him laughing.
Well hello again. Another day spent mired in failure I see. Somehow even you have discovered new depths of worthlessness. I applaud you; well done!
I could actually hear clapping.
Worse still…I say him, but he never sounds masculine. He sounds like my…
Your friends? Yes your friends. Oh how I love them so much. Raphiel especially. So honest about what you really are.
He sounds like my friends…Usually it's Raphiel. In her sweet, always charming voice. But that voice hides a lying, sadistic snake. Raphiel is really a taunting, laughing demon. And she isn't even a real demon. I'm a real demon, for satan's sake.
Are you a real demon though?
Oh the voice sounded so smug and pleased with itself. I just wanted to strangle it.
Are you really? Because Raphiel does more to spread misery than you do. The Great Satania! Future Queen of Hell! Who every day gets her bread stolen by a dog! By a…
The voice had broken off into a fit of hysterical laughter. I felt my face heat up. That stupid dog…! Oh well, I could hardly raise the energy to get mad anymore. I'd been mad, and what had it gotten me?
Oh please, even if you had the might of all of Hell behind you, Satania, you could never do anything of value. When was the last time you actually succeeded at something? Hell you probably couldn't kill yourself correctly if you tried.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut….up!
Why? If I shut up, that would be like telling you that you have reason to live, that people would miss you. Your "friends" certainly wouldn't.
…They wouldn't, would they? They're not even really my friends anyway.
Oh they are definitely your friends. Only a real friend would remind you of how worthless you are. Yes…pick it up, just like that. In between those two marks on your wrist, right there…and…
"It seems to me," Said a soft, sad voice. "that someone has a lot to answer for."
I jerked my head up. My apartment snapped into focus in a sudden wash of color and sensation.
I was sitting on my bed, legs crossed, one arm laid flat across my thigh. Angry red slashes snaked across my bared wrist. Trickles of blood had run down my arm, some of it dry and flakey now. In my right hand I held…my knife. My knuckles were white on the handle. Dried blood caked the blade. The edge was currently pricked into my skin right at the thickest stretch of vein on my left wrist. My blood suddenly ran cold.
The only light in the room came from the window behind me, filtered down from a clear and beautiful sky.
"Satania," Said a gentle voice. My head snapped up.
A man was sitting on the floor next to my bed.
He wore dark blue jeans and a plain white shirt. He looked young, probably late teens. Long black hair framed his shoulders and upper back. His keen brown eyes were watching me steadily from behind square glasses. Those eyes gleamed with the warmth of a fresh fire. They were ringed with tears, however, one of which trickled down his cheek as I watched him.
"Satania," The man said again. "I think we should talk before you make any decisions."
I took a deep breath and opened my mouth. I tried to speak, but only a croak escaped my lips. My cheeks flushed red and I turned my head away, tears welling up in my eyes.
You can't even announce yourself now!
Great. Now another person is going to laugh at me. Come on, Satania, get your bitch-ass together and at least say your name before you die!
"Woah there, Satania," I reacted to the man's voice as though he'd thrown water on my face. I blinked, wrenching myself from my thoughts. I felt something hot run down my wrist and looked down. I'd cut myself slightly with the knife.
"I'm not here to laugh at you." The man said. He raised both hands, as though in surrender. "You seem to be in a lot of pain, so I'm here to talk."
I stared at him. I opened my mouth again, desperately willing my throat to work. My voice came out as a choked rasp, but it worked.
"Who are you?"
"My name is Hesedial. I'm an angel."
My heart skipped a beat. Oh great, another angel. This one would be like Raphiel, then. All kind and calm on the outside, but more cruel than any demon on the inside.
"I promise I'm not here to hurt you." Hesedial said, wiggling his hands a little. "I'm here because you're in pain, Satania. You've been in pain for a while. I'm sorry that I couldn't get here sooner. Getting assigned to your case took a lot more paperwork than normal. The boss didn't much approve of letting me help a demon."
He smiled suddenly, and I swear it could have made flowers bloom. Then he added, "Especially not the Satania, future Queen of All Hells."
I blinked. Did…he just say I was the future Queen of All Hells? So far he didn't sound like Raphiel. But then, Raphiel hadn't either for the first few weeks. She'd been oh so sweet…
"You got assigned to my case?" I asked.
Hesedial nodded. "Yep. I watched for a little bit, making sure I had all of my information right before I made an appearance. Doesn't do any good to show up and proclaim, 'It is i! Hesedial! Come to save you, oh Danielle!' Would kind of ruin the effect if your name isn't Danielle."
"Have…" This was weird. "Have you done that before?"
The angel sighed. "My intern days were not always easy."
"Intern days?" This was getting weirder by the minute.
"Yeah. After angels return from earth, with all their earthly knowledge and experience, they have a couple choices to make. If they did well they can start learning how to help humans, interning under other more experienced angels. I worked under Archangel Michael, fighting demons and other monsters in the mortal world for a while. But my heart has always been for helping others. So I worked under Jegudiel for a while, learning how to care for the sick and hurting."
"So let me get this straight," I said. "Heaven sent me an angel? Why would they do that? I've met angels down here, and they are…" Raphiel's smug face suddenly swam in front of my vision. My heart started pounding and I found myself on my feet, pointing the knife at the angel.
I found myself shouting, "They are the most cruel, vile, heartless bitches that I have ever met! Raphiel is a stupid, manipulative bitch who revels in the suffering of others! I don't know how you expect me to take you seriously, with your proclamations of love and care, when Heaven lets angels act like that!"
I was practically spitting with rage. The angel hadn't moved. His face was steady and calm, but something in his eyes had changed. They were burning.
"Oh yes," He said, and his voice was hard. It was actually kind of startling. "I am aware of Raphiel. I'm also aware of Gabriel, though her indulgences are much smaller sins compared to Raphiel's." He took a long breath, and the fire seemed to fade from his eyes. "I am sorry for their behavior towards you. An angel should be kind, not manipulative. And you are right, Raphiel does pleasure in the suffering of others."
"And you are supposed to be different? You expect me to believe that Heaven cared after all this time after tormenting me for months? News flash, dumbass, we work for different sides! Heaven doesn't give a shit about me." I lowered the knife and laid the edge across my arm.
"Satania," Hesedial said, voice calm but firm. "if you kill yourself, you are letting every hateful and awful thing that has happened to you win. You are proving to the world that you will let a prideful, stuck-up witch like Raphiel win. Win again you, the Satania. Do you really want to let them win?"
I hesitated. The blade was flat and cold against my arm. The pain from my previous cuts was a dull throb in the back of my mind.
"Suicide," The angel continued. "is not about ending life. No one wants their life to end, not really. But what you do want is for pain to end. Stopping pain is what suicide is about. But I promise you, on my word as an Angel of the Almighty, that your pain will end if you do not kill yourself. You are strong enough, and brave enough."
He's lying to you. He's just like Raphiel. He wants you alive so you can suffer more. Pain doesn't end for something as worthless as you.
The hand holding the knife was trembling.
"I promise that I'm not lying, Satania." Hesedial said. "It will be ok. Your pain will end. It will all be ok, Satania."
Tears flooded down my cheeks. I couldn't see through them. I realized, dimly, that I was making small sounds as I cried. I'd heard wounded animals make similar noises.
"If you give me the knife," The angel continued. "I promise that we'll work through it together. I am not Raphiel. In fact, I'm going to kick her…" He took a sudden breath, as though reconsidering his words. Then he said, through gritted teeth. "I'm going to enlighten her."
I pulled the knife away from my arm. It had left a long red line that oozed a little. I looked up and found the angel had stood up. He was within arm's reach, looking down at me with a pained expression. There were tears in his eyes.
"Would you like to give me the knife?" He asked, very gently.
I couldn't say anything. I just held the knife out. He took it very slowly, his fingers unknotting mine from the handle. His hands were warm and soft. They moved as though he were handling something infinitely delicate. Within seconds the blade was gone.
"Thank you, Satania." Hesedial said. He knelt down so that we were at eye level. I didn't meet his eye. I couldn't see, anyway.
I expected him to speak. To say something about how it would all be ok, or something else about pain. But instead I suddenly felt very warm as something soft and gentle touched my shoulders. I was drawn forward slightly until I was pressed against his chest.
He was hugging me.
I threw my arms around him and sobbed.
I don't know how long we stayed like that. It might have been decades. Eventually I just didn't have any more tears. I stayed against him for a while, crying without tears. Then finally I was able to pull away, to sit up. Every single bone in my body hurt. I sagged against myself, more exhausted than I thought possible. On top of the whole-body ache, my arm was burning madly.
I glanced at Hesedial. He sat at the edge of my bed. I guess standing and bending over to hug me wouldn't have been good for his back.
"Thank you." I said. My voice was barely a whisper.
"You are welcome, Satania." The angel said. His voice sounded shaky. I glanced at his face and saw fresh tears streaming down his face. But he was smiling, and it made me feel warm all the way to my toes. "Thank you for giving me the knife."
"Um…you're welcome, I guess." I hunched up my knees and pulled them close to me. I just sat there for a few minutes, trying to calm my pounding heart.
"So," I said into the silence a few moments later. "what happens now?"
"I'm working your case for the foreseeable future, so I'll pop in when I think it's necessary. You can also call on me at any time and I'll show up. But otherwise you still have free will, you can do whatever you want. You still get to live your life, but with me watching over you. I am also going to be putting in a word with Heaven about your angel friends." He frowned. It started raining outside. I'm not kidding; the blue, clear sky outside my window suddenly turned grey and started pouring rain.
Then the angel sighed and rested a hand on my shoulder, his smile returning. It stopped raining outside. "You are so incredibly brave, Satania. I hope you see that. You are so brave and wonderful that you chose to live and be yourself despite all the pain you've been through. That is so incredible."
And then he laughed, the sound beautiful and musical. A rainbow grew across the sky as he did.
"Before I leave, I need to ask if there is anything you need. Before even that, however," The angel reached into his pocket and produced…
Melon Bread. He held it out to me.
I snatched it immediately, glancing quickly around my room. You never know when a dog is going to steal it.
The angel laughed again. "No dogs, I promise." He said. "Just Melon Bread." I was almost too busy tearing into the bread to hear him.
The angel let me eat in silence. Then, when I'd finished, he stood up. "Well Satania," He said. "Call on me whenever you need me. Just say my name a few times and I'll show up. The time of day doesn't matter, nor does the amount of times you've called me. If you need me in five minutes then you need me in five minutes, and I'll be here."
Hesedial stretched his arms over his head. A pair of fluffy white wings appeared from between his shoulders and stretched out to either side of him.
"Wait!" I said, standing up. Hesedial lowered his arms and looked at me. He wasn't smiling, exactly, but the look of warmth and peace on his face made me flush. I blinked and looked away for a moment.
"I…I want to know something." I said. The angel raised an eyebrow.
I took a deep breath and then said, "Why does Heaven let Raphiel and Gabriel act the way that they do? If you guys are all about preventing pain and healing people, then why let an angel be as indulgent as Gabriel? Or enjoy suffering as much as…" Saying her name the first time had stirred something ugly in my chest. I bit off the word before I could say it again.
Hesedial sighed. "Satania, do you know why Heaven and Hell send insipient angels and demons to Earth in the first place?"
"It's to learn, right?" I said. "To learn how to be better demons, or angels."
"That's part of it." The angel said. "But it's not the whole truth. The part missing is that every being gets to make choices. Every angel, and every demon. You were born a demon, sure, but not every demon is evil. You yourself are generally kind, and your friend Vignette is kinder than most angels that I know. They all get to make choices. Once their time on Earth is done they are measured according to those choices. If they measure up to whatever standards are being used, then those angels or demons get to choose to return to Earth to work. They can also choose to return to Heaven or Hell and live. That's why there's communities and cities there."
"But…" I protested. "in the meantime they get to sit here and do evil and hurt people!"
"They do." The angel agreed soberly. "They get the same choices that humans do, and humans often choose to do evil to one another. Consider as well that many a demon has done evil and terrible things on Earth. Why I've heard recently that Christmas music has begun playing before Thanksgiving." The angel shuddered. "I appreciate Our Lord as much as the next angel but…goodness." He was silent for a moment and then he added, "Was there anything else, Satania?"
"Um…" I thought about it for a moment. "No, I don't think so. I just…" I shivered, though it wasn't really cold. "I don't know what to do."
The angel smiled. "Satania, I think there is nothing better in this world that you could do than be yourself." He took a step back and his wings flapped once. Then he frowned pensively and sighed. "I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Satania," His voice grew more serious. "my instincts tell me to go punt Raphiel into next week, probably with Gabriel alongside her. But…this is your life. It's not my place to tell them what's going on. Do you want to keep all of this between you and me?"
I didn't really know what to say to that. Telling Gabriel and Raphiel…
They'd laugh at you. You worthless, piece of shit demon. And you'd deserve it.
"No…" I said. "Please don't tell them."
The angel nodded. "Very well." He said, and spread his wings again. "When you have need of me, please call."
He smiled and then, in a flash of brilliant gold light, he was gone.