Sam had no clue when those twisted feelings started. He just knew that Dean had always tried his best to be there for him. Sam looked up to him and that was normal for a little brother to do.
What wasn't normal was the overwhelming urge to touch him and kiss him. It made him so sick he'd be up at night retching up that nights supper. It hurt him so much to feel those things but it didn't stop the burning in his abdomen and the aching in his cock as he tried his best not to touch himself at the thought of his own brother.
He was weak so he couldn't control himself. He'd work his length and would pretend that it was his brother, saying his name over and over again under his breath until he came in his hand. And then the shame would wash over him where the afterglow should have been.
Sam knew it was wrong but he couldn't stop it. He wished he could just shut it off and never have to to think those things again.. but no matter how hard he tried he'd be back in to thinking about how it'd feel to be in Dean's arms.
He loved his brother but not in the way he was supposed to. It made living with him, growing up with him, extremely hard. He studied hard and was accepted into Stanford and he was ready to leave and forget about the life of ghost hunting and.. Dean.
But then he'd think of the game that they'd play. Something they weren't inherently conscious of but it was there nonetheless. On the nights where Dean would have girls over, Sam would always be there in the hallway to catch him leading a new girl to his room. It was almost perfectly timed but never on purpose. They'd make eye contact and Dean would smirk at his brother as he shut the door behind them.
The jealousy would take over and he'd sulk in his room. He couldn't exactly be mad because what he was feeling was unnatural. What made things worse was how loud Dean would be.. and his sounds of pleasure would turn Sam on to no end. He figured Dean would know to be quiet considering their rooms were so close in the house they had been staying in.
Sam liked to fantasize that Dean did it all on purpose so he could hear him. Such a wild thing to imagine, but it made him feel better about masturbating to the sound. He'd lay back and use his fingers on himself and pretend Dean was fucking him, that those noises were for him and for him alone. Those nights where their orgasms were almost perfectly synced were the best, the most fulfilling.
His mental state only got worse the morning after their little game. He'd wake up alone and be reminded that it wasn't him that his brother was inside of the night before and remember that it wasn't where he was supposed to be anyway. He knew if he didn't leave soon it would only get worse and he'd end up doing something he would regret.
The night before he was finally going to leave he found Dean in his room drinking away. He was sulking and drunk and glared up at Sam when he walked in. The youngest Winchester awkwardly sat at the end of Dean's small bed.
"College is going to be really good for me, Dean." Sam said rather weakly. That was a fact, but he'd be lying if he said his soul reason for going was for the education. Dean scoffed and turned in his desk chair to face his little brother.
"Whatever. You're running away and you know it." And with that Dean took another swig of his beer and placed it beside the four other empty bottles. Sam knew their dad was going to be pissed about him drinking all of his beers but he couldn't bring himself to care.
"I'm not running away." Sam lied. He knew he was but not for the reasons Dean thought. The older of the two stood up, shaking his head as he neared Sam and stood in front of him. Sam looked up, his green eyes wide as the heat radiating off of Dean's body made him shake-but only slightly. He prayed it wasn't noticeable.
"Sammy." Dean sighed as he trailed his fingers over his jaw. The contact burned in the best way but Sam knew Dean didn't mean it the way he wanted it. It made it so much worse but his body was frozen as he waited for Dean to make his next move, which Sam was pretty sure was going to be a punch in the face.
"You're mine, Sammy. I don't want you anywhere else."
The little moan that escaped Sam's mouth at such words made Dean lick his lips. The shakes were definitely noticeable at that point as he stared up in pure horror. That noise-Dean's face-Sam couldn't believe it. Something was wrong.
"You're.. you're drunk. Stop." That sick feeling bubbled in his stomach as heat started to build up in his abdomen and groin. They had to stop and soon, Sam told himself as he tried to figure out the best way to escape.
"You don't think I can hear you at night? Moaning my name as you touch yourself.." Dean whispered hotly as his fingers trailed over Sam's parted lips.
This can't be real, Sam thought as he let out another moan at the sound of Dean's husky voice.
"What was it it, Sammy? Were you thinking about me in between your legs, your cock in my mouth? Is that what you want from your big brother?" He leaned in close as he said those words and Sam could not control the urgent and breathless sound that escaped his lips:
"Yes."
And with that, Dean finally closed in the space between them and kissed Sam hard on the lips. Tears prickled at Sam's eyes as the thing he wanted most was finally playing out. He kissed back with no hesitation and let Dean's tongue take over his mouth. Another breathless moan came from Sam and it made Dean tighten his grip around him and Sam almost melted at the sound of Dean's needy groan.
Kissing him didn't feel wrong or shameful. All he could feel was euphoria as Dean breathed heavily into his mouth like he was enjoying it too. Sam hoped he was.
When Dean pulled away Sam could see a tinge of sadness in those green eyes. He recognized it as it had been the thing he'd been feeling for years. He wondered if Dean was already regretting starting that. He waited for him to back away and make Sam leave.
He was surprised when Dean actually went to his knees, his eyes never leaving Sam's. It was too hot in that room and his pants were too tight.
We shouldn't be doing this. If dad were to walk in-
"Who do you belong to, Sammy?" That question and the feeling of Dean's hands on his thighs caused an embarrassing squeal to come from the younger man. Sam was confused for only a short moment because he knew exactly what the answer was.
"You. I.. I belong to you." Sam whispered as he watched as Dean finally began to take off his pants. "Good boy," Dean said as he pulled Sam's jeans down to his ankles. Dean took the bulge in his hands and rubbed it through the boxers.
Sam groaned and gripped at Dean's shoulders. He almost came just by that simple touch. That would have been too embarrassing and probably would have cut the interaction short.. Sam definitely didn't want that.
"You're already so hard." Dean analyzed. Sam couldn't tell if he sounded turned on or disgusted. It could have very well been both.
The feeling of Dean's hand wrapping around his cock made a shaky breath come from Sam's parted lips. He wanted to shut his eyes and just feel it but that sick part of him wanted to watch as his brother licked up the shaft and to the already already leaking tip, up until he finally opened his mouth and brought the length down his throat. Those lips wrapped around his cock made Sam gasp, his grip even tighter on Dean's shoulders as his legs began to shake.
"D-Dean.. I can't-" Sam's hips bucked up as he came, spilling his seed down his brother's throat. Dean took it all without a sound as Sam rode out his orgasm until he began to feel overstimulated and eventually pushed Dean off of him gently when he couldn't take anymore.
Dean stood up slowly and licked the excess substance from around his lips. Though that in itself was a sight to behold, he couldn't tell what his older brother was feeling and that scared him.
A cold chill ran through the younger man as he suddenly felt exposed and wrong. A line had just been crossed and it was at that very moment it all sunk in.
"Dean.. I'm so sorry.." His voice cracked as he put his face in his hands, the shame he always felt taking over. How could he make his brother do that? He could have stopped it from happening but Sam wanted so badly to be selfish.
Gingerly, Dean removed his hands and replaced them with his own. He kissed him and Sam felt like he was going to burst. Alcohol mixed with his own come invaded his senses and he loved it all too much. So much that he let Dean undress him-let his brother push him against the mattress and kiss down his naked body.
His mind was too far gone to find any rational thought. Each touch from Dean left his body burning and needing more. Sam moaned and begged and Dean delivered each time, caressing and kissing his body without question.
"I need you inside me." Sam said desperately as though he was in one of his fantasies. The confession hung in the air and Dean paused, his eyes laced with concern. Sam could feel his heart in his throat. I fucked this up-he doesn't want me-
"Is that what you really want, Sam?" Dean asked tenderly, tearing his little brother away from his anxious thoughts. His hand trailed down his little brother's torso and to his inner thigh, pushing them apart just slightly.
"You want my cock inside you?" Dean asked hotly against Sam's neck. "Fucking you?" His tongue trailed over his earlobe and made Sam gasp out a lustful yes.
Dean urged him to shut his eyes and simply breathe, so that's exactly what Sam did. He heard a tube being opened and the sound of what he assumed was the lube being squeezed in Dean's hand. A sick excitement surged through him at the thought of what was about to come.
For that moment he didn't care about how he was making Dean feel. He only cared about himself as he felt Dean push a lubed digit inside of his tight opening. The burn was nothing compared to the thought of having his brother inside of him-just like he wanted for so long. However, Sam appreciated just how gentle Dean was, stretching him slowly and with ease.
Sam kept his eyes shut but he gripped tightly at Dean's arm, moaning as pain and pleasure ripped through him. "Doing so good," Dean whispered as he scissored his fingers. His big brother's words of encouragement only proved to edge him on more.
By the time a third finger had been added Sam was breathless and begging, bucking his hips against those fingers while telling Dean that he was ready. Sam gasped when the fingers were removed and finally opened his eyes, an audible fuck could be heard under his breath at the sight of his naked brother.
His eyes glazed over each contour of Dean's muscles, then down Dean's torso and then finally to his hard cock. The fact that Dean was hard for him left his throat dry and heart pounding. It must've been because of the alcohol because there was no way he was sick like Sam was, but in the end it didn't matter.
The only thing that mattered was Dean positioning himself above his Sammy. His eyes were unsure, the first for sure emotion Sam was able to pinpoint that entire time. The hesitation in his features made the younger brother panic. He didn't want this to stop.
"Please don't stop." Sam begged desperately. He raised his hands and touched Dean's face because he actually could and pulled him into searing kiss. Dean's tense muscles relaxed as he sighed into the kiss, using his skilled tongue to distract Sam from the sharp pain of his cock filling him.
The younger brother gripped hard at Dean's shoulders but didn't pull away from the kiss. He welcomed the pain. It was what he always wanted and it was perfect-Dean's tongue on his, his hands on his body, and his cock inside him left his body on fire and in the best way. He didn't feel sick, not in that moment as Dean moaned into his mouth. Knowing he was feeling good as well made it all so much better.
Sam wondered how such a thing could be considered wrong. Nothing felt wrong about his brother moaning about good it felt to be inside him. Nothing felt wrong about how perfectly their bodies fit together. Nothing felt more right than that.
He dug his nails into his back as all of the pain faded, begging for more. Dean didn't hold back his thrusts or his moans-loud and sexy, just like he had been those nights when they'd play their game. Sam almost came again at the thought of actually being right, that maybe Dean actually was being loud on purpose, just for him.
"God-you're so beautiful, Sammy." Dean breathed as he intertwined his fingers with Sam's. He couldn't comprehend how someone so gorgeous could see him that way, but he didn't want to question it, not with how Dean was looking at him, not with how his cock was hitting that bundle of nerves over and over again just right.
"Dean.. fuck.." Sam moaned, his hands trailing over each and every inch of his brother's body, ingraining each detail into his memory. He wrapped his legs around Dean's waist and deeper he went, his pace slower but more violent.
"Mine." Dean growled as he sucked at Sam's neck harshly. "All mine." The sucking turned into bites, marking the skin over his collar bone and chest. Sam's back arched, losing himself in each sensation.
"I'm yours, Dean.. all yours." Sam gasped, his second climax of the evening nearing exponentially, his lips finding Dean's in a needy kiss. His older brother kissed back with a passion, the thrusts of his hips faster as his free hand tangled into Sam's long hair. Dean was close and Sam could feel it in his movements.
Sam whimpered into the kiss as his own orgasm neared. He didn't want it to end. He didn't want to stop and have to face reality. Things were better with Dean inside of him, marking him as his own. And then the thought occurred to him that he hadn't marked Dean at all and that didn't seem fair.
He pulled away and latched onto Dean's neck and began sucking, biting and licking his flushed skin. Dean cursed under his breath and let Sam mark him. The fact that Sam could do that pushed him closer to the brink.
"Sammy-I-damn... I'm close, baby boy." Dean said as he raised his upper body, the marks Sam had left on him heavily visible down his neck and collar bone. The sight made Sam curse out in a breathy moan, his warm semen shooting in between their bodies, throwing his head back as each wave washed over him. He would have been slightly embarrassed if Dean didn't come soon after, riding out his orgasm inside of him.
Dean kissed him as he came, their tongues rolling off each other messily. They didn't pull away for a while, even when Dean eventually removed himself from Sam's warmth. The dirty lock of lips turned slow and tender in a matter of minutes, the little room filled with their heavy breathing and the smell of sex.
Sam never felt more complete than he had in that moment. He didn't care if it wasn't real because there Dean was, his naked body touching his. Sam didn't care about the reason why. He was Dean's in every way possible in that moment and it was all he ever wanted.
It wasn't until Dean pulled away with a broken sob did the atmosphere finally crash around them. Sam watched as emotion finally poured from Dean and it wasn't what he wanted at all. It looked all too much like regret and that had stung. It reminded Sam that what they did wasn't supposed to happen. It was wrong. So when Dean pressed his forehead against his, whispering apologies, Sam broke down too.
Dean wrapped his arms around him in an attempt to comfort Sam. That was what he always did for him, no matter what the cost. Sam guessed Dean didn't realize the cost would be their own sanity.
"I'm sorry for getting upset. Please don't cry, Sammy. I love you." Dean whispered as he kissed the top of Sam's head. Another sob wracked through Sam's chest because he knew Dean couldn't love him the way he loved him. He meant it as it should have been-how a brother is supposed to love a brother. Despite what they just did-it didn't mean a damn thing.
Dean pulled the covers over them both and Sam tried his best to breathe and calm down. He let himself have that moment against his brother's chest, heat radiating over his body as Dean's arms wrap around him once again. He felt loved and he felt protected, all by the one person he wanted most. He knew he was still acting selfishly but it was just for the night, he told himself.
"Don't leave me, Sam. I'd do anything to keep you here. Even..this..if that means you'll stay with me." Dean mumbled into the dark when he thought Sam was sleeping. Choked back sobs could be heard from the older brother as he held on tightly to Sam like his life depended on it.
"My Sammy." Sam's heart broke at the cracking in Dean's voice. The weight of his selfishness crashed down onto him and the sickness wracked at his body but he stayed still and let Dean hold him. But he knew he couldn't stay.
If Sam were to stay, he knew he'd still put Dean through this and it wasn't fair. Dean deserved more than being his brother's pet. He deserved happiness and there'd be no real way he could get that from Sam, no matter how much it hurt for the youngest Winchester to admit.
For that night he let himself fall asleep in his brother's arms. He'd never felt more safe than he did right there in his Dean's bed. Just like when he was little and had a nightmare, Dean would always pull him in with little complaint. He was just being a good big brother but somewhere along the line Sam's mind fucked it all up and made it more than what it was supposed to be.
Removing himself from Dean's embrace felt like the hardest thing in the world to do. Sam wanted nothing more than to stay and just be Dean's. Being held like that and kissed and touched whenever he asked-
No.
Sam gave sleeping Dean one last glance before leaving. His father was passed out on the couch because he had been too pissed to do anything other than watch tv. Sam tore his eyes away from his dad and pushed himself out of the door. He didn't want to leave his dad either but his mind was too far gone to be the son he was supposed to be.
Dean would be a full fledged hunter like their father and Sam would be the lawyer he always wanted to be. The night they shared would be nothing more than a painful memory. A memory Sam would always find himself thinking about in the dead of night even years later, next to his long term girlfriend, Jess. That was still all it was.. just a memory. He was getting better, he thought. He was even thinking about proposing.
But all good things come to an end. That was one thing Dean made sure of as he came crashing back into Sam's life, making him realize he was still just as sick as the day he left.