Disclaimer: Once upon a time there was a narrator who took it upon herself to screw up every story she could get her hands on. With complete and utter disregard for the opinions of others, authors and fans alike, she made it her mission to corrupt any good plot line or character development she had the means to. With the help of her tech-savvy computer and her skills of destroying anything she put her mind to, she quickly set to work on annoying the crap out of everybody. These are her stories.
Middle Earth had seemed like the perfect place to vacation in the brochure. So thought Godzilla as he stomped into town with nothing but his boner in tow. And boy did he have a big one.
On his journey to this mystical land, Godzilla had had plenty of time to reflect on his lack of a sex life. He pined for a hole big enough to contain his massive junk, but neither caves nor train tunnels could handle all that he had to offer.
And that's when he saw it: the glowing red hoop hoisted atop a mighty mountain, all majestic with its flaming yellow center like a giant snatch waiting to receive him fully. He tried to reason with himself - surely this statue erected to the native gods was sacred to the people who lived here. But once the opportunity presented itself, there was no subduing his fully-on chubby, and he burst into a sprint toward the structure.
"My precious," Sméagol purred to the Ring, entirely ignorant of the monster rushing toward him until it crushed him under foot.
"Damn, I hate it when I step in shit," Godzilla remarked to himself. But he barely hesitated to wipe the guts off before continuing to the Mecca of monster masturbation.
Suddenly, the yellow part of the fleshlight turned toward him, and Godzilla felt as though it were staring into his soul. "Hey, stahp!" the hoop yelled.
Godzilla halted, now utterly confused. "How you be talkin'?"
"I'm Sauron, lol. What are you running for?"
Godzilla scratched his crotch. "Well I was gonna pleasure myself in your hole, but now I ain't know."
Sauron laughed and laughed and laughed. "Lololololol! U so funny! Cum into me. I'm a virgin. Lol, is it good idk?"
"Yeah, it be real good. You okay with dis?"
"Like totally," Sauron giggled. So Godzilla mounted the mountain and plopped his cock into Sauron's eye socket. "Ooh it tickles!" And they did it and both of them orgasmed, drenching that entire 100 mile section of Middle Earth with sex juices.
"We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain. We jumped, never asking why. We kissed, I fell under your spell. A love no one could deny," the couple sang together. And they were very happy.
Far below the mountain top, a group of tired men gawked up at the sight.
"Damn!" Merry said.
"Daaamn!" the others echoed in semi-unison.
"Hot sauce!" the narrator said, having forgotten her lines.
And that's why they call me Thumper.
The End