Notes: So, a vague timeline of events:
Jace is sentenced for high treason in 2x04 and deruned after that; all following episodes are adjusted accordingly. The next canon events are from 2x07, where Clary meets Ithuriel, with the only difference being that she's alone at the time and talks about what happened immediately instead of hiding the truth, which all on its own sort of prevents the next two episodes, and 2x10 goes as planned with slight tweakings here and there. I haven't delved too deeply into the differences because, to be honest, the main (next) part of this fic follows an alternate version of 2b and I don't think anyone would have wanted to read a rewriting of half of 2a in painful detail anyway.
The title translates as through hardships to the stars and is in Latin. I hope you enjoy this and I'd love to know what you think!
It had hurt from the start. Of course it had. The pain had been excruciating and the only thing keeping Alec quiet and in his place had been the knowledge that anything else would only make things so much worse for Jace. That didn't make it any easier to bear – if anything, just looking at Jace where he was in the middle of the hall hurt much more than the echo of the torture itself did – but it kept Alec's mind clear. Or, at the very least, clear enough that he could try and help him through it all.
None of it could compare to the pain of their bond breaking.
Alec doubled over, clutching at his side and biting his lip until he could taste blood. Everything was covered in blood, it seemed; it was dripping from his mouth, over his fingers where they were pressed over his rune, clouding his vision when he tried to look for his parabatai even as he was slipping away.
He could feel someone trying to hold him back, fingers digging into his shoulder even as he struggled against them. Jace had asked for him to stay away, to not make this more painful than it needed to be, and Alec had listened. He had done what he could to keep quiet because he knew just as well as Jace did that there was nothing to be done and he would suffer even more if he had to see his parabatai suffer, too. And they had both known, in theory, that this was coming but it had still caught Alec completely by surprise.
It wasn't like anything he had expected. It made sense; their souls were so intertwined that he had started considering Jace's as a part of his own and now that it was forcibly torn away, it was much more than he'd thought and it left an open wound behind, the space so terrifyingly empty that Alec could barely comprehend it.
As always, they were completely in sync. It was the last straw. With one last cry, Jace curled in on himself and the pressure against his restraints relaxed as he finally, mercifully, lost consciousness.
o.O.o
"You know that doesn't mean that you can never see me again." Jace's voice held a faint attempt at comfort, but it didn't quite reach its goal – the words sounded tired and hollow enough for Clary to start crying even harder. It wasn't for the first time; she had been inconsolable since last night when the last part of Jace's trial had taken place. In all the time preceding that, she had been following Isabelle in her righteous anger and neither of them had accepted that there was nothing to be done until the very last moment.
But this had all happened before. Before Victor Aldertree's report to the Clave; before the Inquisitor had decided that Jace was to blame for the stolen Soul Sword; before she had turned his deruning into a public spectacle meant to show everyone that the Law was to be feared no matter who you were and what you could do.
The descent into Hell is easy. If one of the bravest Nephilim of the new generation, a shining example of the Angel's mission, could become corrupted, then no one could really be safe. His demon blood had to be taken into consideration too, of course, and that had only made the Inquisitor more vicious.
After the initial disbelief, Jace went willingly. Alec suspected that the Inquisitor had threatened him that if he didn't cooperate, then everyone else who had helped him on his way back to the Institute wouldn't escape unharmed either. There was nothing else that Alec could think of that would make him give up everything he had, everything he was, as easily as he had.
None of that mattered now, he reminded himself. What mattered was letting Jace say his goodbyes and getting him safely out of the Institute and then- they could decide what would happen then. The only thing Alec was sure of was that there was no way he was letting him out of his sight, his resolution only strengthened by the overwhelming blankness left by his parabatai's soul.
In the past few hours, Alec had tried to reach out more times than he could count, a small, hopeful part of him certain that if he looked hard enough, Jace would be there somewhere, but he never was. And he never would be again. Alec had already repeated that to himself enough times for the words to lose meaning, but it hadn't been enough for them to really sink in.
It had sunk in just fine for Clary and Izzy, though; they had spent every possible moment after the ritual had ended around Jace, making use of any second they could steal away before he was required to leave. After the first hour or so, Alec had stepped away. He already knew that he would be seeing Jace more often than either of them and it felt unfair to interfere, no matter how much he wanted to.
But it was almost time now. Offering a few more words of consolation to Clary, Jace stepped away, squeezing her hand one last time before heading towards the main exit.
Even though he'd been angry initially, Alec was now glad that Jace's remaining time at the Institute had run out in the middle of the night. Everyone was either asleep or out on a mission and, parabatai bond or not, he knew that Jace wouldn't want to be seen leaving like this.
"I can get your clothes to Magnus's pace tomorrow," Alec said as they left the Institute. Jace shook his head. He hadn't been allowed to keep any of his belongings aside from his phone, but he hadn't protested and he didn't seem inclined to change that now.
"I can get myself new ones."
Of course. All he had was hunting gear; the last thing he would want to be dressed in just now. Alec's heart constricted painfully as he watched him wrap his arms around himself. He flinched away when Alec tried to touch him and it wasn't difficult to understand why – his skin felt raw and painful and every touch was still far too much for him to bear, but.
"Jace." It was a sentence all on its own; just his name. "You have to tell me- I don't know what you need."
It wasn't something he had ever imagined saying and that made it all the harder, but it was the only possible solution. He didn't know how to not be completely honest with Jace when he couldn't tell what his parabatai felt and it only made sense for him to try and give him something, anything, that could help. After everything Jace had lost – including his mother, and wasn't that a thought Alec had tried to drown more than once already – he wanted nothing more than to remind him that he wasn't alone.
"I don't need anything," Jace said, shrinking in even more on himself. "Come on," he whispered as he sped up, and this time it sounded as if he wasn't talking to Alec at all. "We need to get out of here."
o.O.o
If there was one thing that Jace regretted about the last hours he had spent at the Institute, it was the fact that it was all a blur.
It was a pity, really. He had meant every word he had said. He did want to keep in touch with both Clary and Izzy and he knew that they would do everything they could to follow through, but the goodbyes had still been altogether too final for him to hope for much. And why would it be any different? It was fair, after all. He'd always tried to stay away from mundanes because of how uncooperative they tended to be. It wasn't their fault that they got in the way even when they tried to help; that was what he'd always told himself. It was in their nature. He had never bothered trying to understand just how blind they were.
But he wasn't really a mundane. It was the one thought he had left to cling to; the Shadow world was his to explore without difficulty and as long as he had that, not everything had to be lost. He could still see every little detail of the world around him even without his runes and, as a slightly more comforting reminder, he could still sense Alec following him down the street like an anxious, restless shadow.
Without him even thinking about it, Jace's fingers strayed up to where their parabatai rune had been. The Silent Brother had torn through it with his stele seconds before Jace had stopped fighting the pain and that was how he had realised that despite his warnings, Alec had been there the entire time; channelling every bit of energy he had through their bond to lessen the hurt. The shock of it disappearing so abruptly had left him defenceless and he faintly remembered blacking out, only to wake up in the infirmary. Everything after that had been a whirlwind of tears and promises and plans being made and he hadn't had a moment to breathe before he'd had to leave the only home he had known for years.
Magnus had offered him to stay at his place for however long he needed and Jace had accepted, as grateful as he was reluctant. He didn't want to stray too far from the world he knew, but he didn't want to rely too much on the Downworld either. Most Downworlders tried to steer clear from the Nephilim, but things could easily change for the deruned ones. He would be powerless, and that was what Jace feared the most – the helplessness that would come with being little more than a mundane.
Alec's nervous presence made things better and worse at the same time. On one hand, him being here was the most grounding thing Jace had experienced since his arrest, but it was also a painful reminder of the aching emptiness where his parabatai's soul should have been. The acute awareness of where Alec was and what he felt was gone, forcing Jace to blindly grasp for something he could never find. The frustration was almost too much to bear and Jace stopped abruptly, turning around to face Alec for the first time since they'd left the Institute. Alec had frozen in his place too, eyes studying his face with an intensity that felt too close to Jace's state of mind just then.
He had heard the stories of Shadowhunters who had lost a limb in battle; how they sometimes felt the pain from it years, decades later and how it could never truly leave. Phantom pain, that was what it was called and while he'd escaped all his battles unscathed, Jace suspected that he knew perfectly well what it felt like. Alec's absence hurt; the memory of his soul in its rightful place next to Jace's much more painful than the deruning had been.
Angel help him, he was grateful. If the pain meant that he would never forget, then he never wanted it to stop.
By the time his mind focused back on the present, Alec was already drawing him into an embrace and, for just a few moments, Jace knew that he was home again.
Alec left his weapons by the door as he came in; a regular occurrence these days. Magnus had magicked a training room in the flat specifically for those purposes, but Alec knew that Seraph blades were still a sore topic. While Jace had never had a weapon as constant as Alec's bow, the blades had always been his weapon of choice and he hadn't picked one up since his runes had been removed. It wasn't because of a sudden aversion to weapons – if anything, he had started working with human-made ones so that he could get used to them – but rather a deep, unspoken fear that despite his angel blood, they wouldn't light up under his touch anymore. It didn't make sense, but Alec could understand – in the last month, every reminder of his life as a Shadowhunter seemed to have the worst effect imaginable, even if it had started gradually getting better. It had to, eventually – every day was a reminder, whether he wanted it or not.
As it had turned out, mundanes with the Sight were very sought after in the Downworld for all sorts of purposes. They usually had a Seelie ancestor or a deruned Shadowhunter in their family and their blood carried magic through their veins; enough of it for them to get around in the Shadow world just fine. Jace was very good at playing his role, but the fact that he had to do it in the first place was tearing him apart. Alec didn't need a parabatai bond to be able to tell; not after having spent half of his life with Jace by his side.
If Alec was honest with himself - and he tried to be, especially now - that was what bothered him the most. It wasn't the change, or Jace's continued absence, or even the daily reminders that his parabatai wasn't - couldn't be - a part of his world anymore; not how he'd been before. It was difficult to try and talk to him about it because he knew that Jace remembered it just as clearly, but it was just as difficult not to. He couldn't keep himself away when, even if he hadn't said it outright, Jace needed help more than ever. He was doing everything he could to let him know that he was there – including daily reports from everything that happened in the Institute, no matter how insignificant – and he could tell that Magnus was growing exasperated with it all over time. He had been the one to offer Jace a place to stay and he didn't seem to regret it and while at first Alec had thought that Jace living with Magnus meant that he could balance the situation, things were slowly slipping out from under his control.
The only silver lining was the fact that Jace kept himself busy. It wasn't easy to dwell on everything that had gone wrong when he spent so much time in the Downworld anyway, and while Alec couldn't ignore just how difficult the process was, he was glad to see him get back on his feet.
"Is Jace home?" The already customary greeting left his mouth before Alec had even checked the entire flat. He wasn't allowed to come into contact, but that hadn't stopped him so far and while he'd tried to think of an explanation for his presence every time – today it was Clary and her rather specific problem, under the premise that only Jace would truly understand – he knew that he would have been here with or without the excuse. There was no threat severe enough to stop him; not this time. "It's urgent."
"He left almost an hour ago." Magnus looked up from the spell book spread out in front of him. He seemed to be adding notes and on a normal day, Alec would have taken a look himself already. The day was as far from normal as it could get, though, and Magnus had picked up on that right away. "What is it? Is someone hurt?"
"It's Clary. She's fine," Alec added when he saw the worry in Magnus's eyes. "Or at least, I think she is. But she claims she's seen an angel."
Magnus froze mid-sentence and put his pen to the side, his entire focus on the conversation now. "That's not-"
"-possible. I know." That was putting it mildly; while it was possible in theory, it just didn't make sense. "But she's absolutely certain. He gave her a vision and she freed him with a rune. Valentine held him captive," he clarified at Magnus's raise eyebrows, "and she tried an unlocking rune first. It didn't work, so she tried something else and- Magnus, it's unlike anything I've ever seen before."
He had been conscious of the fact that he was dangerously close to rambling from the start, but Magnus's expression was still telling of just how bad it had all sounded. He let himself be pulled over to the sofa, vaguely aware that Magnus actually seemed shocked. It was a rare enough occurrence for it to really stick now.
"Why don't you start from the beginning?"
o.O.o
By the time Alec was finished with his story, Jace hadn't come back yet and the look in Magnus's eyes had shifted from confusion to something resembling anxiety and Alec knew him well enough by now to know that it was a bad sign. Magnus had an explanation or at least an inkling for just about every obstacle they'd met so far, no matter how difficult it was to figure out, and the realisation that he was just as clueless was unsettling.
"I don't know if I can help her," he said, breaking the silence that had stretched between them. "But I don't think anyone else could either. If you could bring her here-"
"No one told me we were going to have guests."
Alec had been so engrossed by trying to find a solution that he hadn't heard Jace come in. His parabatai, as attuned to him as ever despite everything, noticed the tension in the room in a matter of moments.
"Is there anything wrong?" The concern was evident in his eyes and while the last thing Alec wanted was to put even more on his plate, Jace being worried was still a welcome change from the vacant expression of the last few weeks. He did look better these days, Alec couldn't help but notice; some of the colour had returned to his face and he was bursting with energy, which was both a blessing and a curse: it seemed to make him feel better, but without his runes, demon hunting was still firmly out of the question.
"Valentine managed to capture an angel and Clary met him last night." It was better to just say it, Alec figured; one way or another, he knew that he couldn't hide anything from Jace. "She told me all about it, but I can't- She wanted to speak to you too. I thought you might know something about it."
"I need to talk to her." Jace spoke before Alec had even had the chance to finish his sentence; he had frozen in place, eyes wide with apprehension. "I know it's not allowed, but- Alec, you need to get her out of there for now. We'll figure something out then, but for now-"
"I'll do what I can." Jace did know something, that much was clear now, but it wasn't very likely that he'd talk; not without Clary around. It figured that he'd decide that it wasn't his story to tell.
"Not here," Jace hurried to say as Alec made his way to the door. "I've got a better idea."
o.O.o
Jace's idea was exactly how they found themselves in the Hunter's Moon several hours later for an emergency meeting. Isabelle hadn't been able to make it; she never seemed to be around these days and while Alec wanted to bring it up, he didn't feel like he'd earned the right – after all, he spent most of his time away from the Institute too.
Jace's direct orders right after he had gone through the process of deruning had been very clear. He wasn't allowed to contact anyone in the Institute – this one or any other – again. He was expected to live like a mundane in every aspect and even if he had managed to slip under the radar so far, they all knew that it wouldn't last long unless he tried to make himself as unnoticeable as possible. Jace was easily recognisable, even more so after everything that had happened in the not so distant past, and they had all agreed that they couldn't meet in a place frequented by Shadowhunters.
In the end, it had been worth it. Clary had been so happy to see Jace that she'd had a much easier time talking and now, the story made more sense than it had before. She told them about the vision the angel had given her and Magnus had already asked to see it for himself. He'd just started trying to decipher it when Jace had asked, "Why would anyone need to destroy the Soul Sword?"
Clary's eyes strayed over their little group, finally settling on Jace and Magnus, and Alec felt dread well up in his stomach. "What is it?"
He could barely recognise his own voice and it earned him an almost startled look from Clary as she spoke again. "Under the right circumstances – if it's fuelled by thunder and pure angel blood – the Soul Sword can destroy every demon blooded creature. As far as its light can reach," she clarified at the unspoken question. "Cleophas – Luke's sister – worked with Valentine before; she thinks he'll try to activate it from the Institute."
"If anyone else learns about this, we'll never be able to get things under control." It had occurred to all of them already, but Jace was the one to speak. "He could kill every Downworlder in the city."
And you, Alec wanted to add. You would die too. It was very likely that Jace didn't care – not now, not anymore – and it was too much for Alec to even try and say it out loud, but the thought was still there, the realisation overwhelming by its clarity. His eyes found Jace's over the table and lingered there and Alec felt the words get stuck in his throat, too heavy to be spoken. No. The protest, albeit internal, was all-consuming and Alec was almost grateful when he was distracted from it. Magnus, who had summoned another one of his spell books, drew his attention again as he closed it abruptly.
"Angels speak in symbols. Their messages aren't supposed to be taken literally. The vision speaks of someone of demonic origin who can destroy the Sword, but there's more to it. Did you see the Morning star?" The words were directed at Clary and she nodded, brows furrowing. "Well, that answers our question."
"So it's Lucifer?" Alec had been taught enough angelic studies through the years to be able to recognise the name immediately. "He's the only one who can destroy it."
"No." If Magnus's expression was anything to go by, the answer was obvious. "An Angel would never advise mortals to meddle with a Prince of Hell, especially not him."
"Of course not." Even while responding to what Magnus had said, Jace's focus on Alec hadn't wavered. "Morningstar is a name. And Lucifer isn't the only demon blooded creature who's using it."
His gaze was almost challenging now; forcing Alec to accept what he'd already known at the back of his mind.
He hadn't needed to. In a way, Alec had seen where things were going and it didn't surprise him as much as he'd expected it to – with or without his runes, Jace was still Jace.
Nothing had gone according to plan. Despite all the efforts they'd thrown into it all, despite all the planning, Valentine had been miles ahead of them, or so it seemed. Jace wasn't sure why he hadn't seen it coming; why he'd allowed himself this sliver of hope when he knew his father.
Still, even that had left them with enough support to do what they had meant to in the first place. Valentine was out cold on the floor after he had almost dragged Clary to the Sword and every Downworlder who had trusted them enough to follow them was at the gates of the Institute. Everyone had thought that it would be enough.
It hadn't been. Not after Valentine had managed to channel the electricity he'd needed through the Soul Sword and Jace's plan – the way he'd presented it in front of everyone else – to take the Instrument and hand it back to the Clave had failed, leaving him with just one option.
As far as he was aware, Clary was already outside with Simon and Magnus, explaining what had happened to everyone else. It was still wise to get her as far away from the Sword as possible just in case as the Institute was still surrounded by Valentine's men, but once it was destroyed, they'd take care of that; Jace was sure of it. Alec was the only one left in the hall now and while Jace was grateful for that, he almost wished he'd left too. He hadn't expected him to – not after all the time when Alec had spent hovering around him like a constant, strangely comforting reminder of the home he'd lost. The memory of that was enough to make his presence now the most natural thing in the world. For years, his home had been where Alec was; even after his runes had been taken away, that hadn't changed.
"If Valentine activates the Sword, I'm dead anyway." The words were hurried, Jace's voice almost stumbling over itself. It wouldn't be long before his father woke up. "And thousands of others too. There's nothing I can do."
"You don't know that." The desperation in Alec's tone would have been enough to change his mind had the situation been different; as it was, it only served to make the inevitable decision all the more difficult. The grip of his parabatai's hands over his arms was almost painful, but Jace didn't mind. It felt like it had been so long since he'd been able to feel him through their bond, so long, and if this was the closest he would get to having it back, he would take it. It was more than he'd been hoping for during all the nights he'd spent after his deruning when he'd tried to fight the urge to claw out his skin where the parabatai rune had been in the hopes of finding the missing piece of his soul. To see the sentiment returned brought him a sort of comfort that he wasn't willing to give up; not even with the knowledge of what would happen next. "We can find a way, and you need to find a way out. If you get out of here-"
"Maybe this was always meant to happen. Have you thought of that?" Alec just needed a push in the right direction to understand him, Jace thought. There was no way he was thinking clearly if he was trying to stop him while knowing what the consequences would be. "I can't live as a mundane, you know that. This is my choice. It's as close as I'll get to having a choice again and I'm not going to let you take it away, Alec. I'm sorry."
He pulled himself away from Alec's hold, one hand curling around the Sword's handle before he'd had the chance to reach out again. It felt cruel to seek reassurance even now; to not look away when he knew what was about to happen, but he couldn't force himself to. If this was his last conscious thought, he was allowed to be selfish.
Jace could feel the Sword's magic coursing through his blood and he was distantly surprised by the lack of pain. He could see it crackling through his veins, getting closer and closer to his heart and he tried to hold on, wanting nothing more than to see it shatter in his hands, but it was too late. Before he could draw another breath, the world around him was consumed by light.