Summary: For the past year, Erin has been a puppet to a disorder that's been controlling her life. It pulls the strings, twisting and bending her with its every will and desire. However it hasn't gained full control. The only person who helps her stay intact is her boyfriend. He holds her as she hangs onto the last strand of her old self. Will Levi be able to help Erin gain full control and overcome her eating disorder?

Morning sunlight was peeking in through the crack between the curtains, stretching out across the room and dimly brightening it. Sadly the light was able to reach me, and when I say me I mean my closed eyes. I groaned softly and tried to roll away from it, snuggling into the warmth of the comforter, making sure it covered most of my head.

I heard a soft huff of laughter. My eyes slowly opened to see my lover lying in front of me. His face was neutral as ever, but I could see hints of amusement in his eyes. I whined a little and snuggled in closer to him, enjoying the heat he provided. I planned on going back to sleep until I felt a hand thread through my hair soothingly.

"Morning sleepy head," Levi said, trying to smooth out my bed hair. I sighed at the feeling and stayed there for a few moments before rolling over to stretch, loving the way my limbs made little popping noises.

"Mornin'," I replied, sleep still evident in my voice. "Were you able to get any sleep last night?"

"Only for a few hours. I just woke up about an hour or two ago."

"You've been watching me sleep ever since?" I questioned and he hummed in response.

"Well I did take a shit and made some tea for myself. Other than that, yes I did watch you." He sat up, put both of his hands on either side of my head, and leaned down to press a chaste kiss to my lips. I grunted and wrapped my arms around his neck.

"How romantic," I mumbled against his lips. We shared a few more kisses before Levi pulled away and brushed some hair out of my face. "Your breath smells," he deadpanned.

"Thanks for the notice."

Levi was already out of bed by the time I sat up and stretched my arms over my head. He opened the curtains causing sunlight to brighten the room and for me to cover my eyes with my hand. "Can't you tell a girl when you're going to open the damn curtains," I whined loudly.

"You'd probably go back to sleep if I didn't."

"I wasn't going to go back to sleep, okay?"

"Sure you wouldn't."

I threw a pillow at him and slowly got out of bed. "So cruel," I mumbled and walked over to the closet to grab some warm winter clothes. There was a heavy snow storm last night and everything was probably covered with deep snow. It was fitting for Christmas. Wait today was Levi's birthday. "Oh and happy birthday asshole."

"C'mon, Erin, you know you love this asshole," he said and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing the back of my neck. "And don't remind me that I'm older than I was yesterday. I feel like an old man now."

"But you are an old man."

"Oi, I'm twenty-five now," he snapped lightly and let me go. "You can go take a shower. I've already taken one." And with that he left our bedroom.

I sighed and walked to the bathroom to do one of my least favourite activities of the day. Why was it my least favourite activity? Well it's just I have to look at my body and feel it when I wash myself. I don't like looking at it because it doesn't look perfect enough to me. That I'm not skinny enough. I know my hipbones and collarbones protrude out abnormally and my ribs are visible. Not to mention that if someone ran their hand down my back they'd be able to feel every backbone. I never asked to look like a skeleton. All I ever wanted was to be thin.

I clicked the bathroom light on and closed the door behind me softly, setting down the new set of clothes on the counter. Not looking in the mirror, I stripped myself of the clothes I wore yesterday and stepped into the shower. Squeaking the shower on, I relaxed a little once the hot warm started to flow down over my skin.

After I washed my hair, I was a little reluctant to wash my body, but I did it anyways for Levi's sake. I didn't like the feel of my bones underneath my fingers. I didn't like watching the way the soapy water ran over the crevices of my hipbones. I was repulsed by the sight.

Once I was done, I turned the shower off and wrapped a towel around my body. The next part was harder for me as I took a step in front of the mirror but I was looking down so I couldn't see the empty person who would stare right back. I frowned and wondered if Levi saw what I saw. A walking skeleton whose goal in life is to be skinny. Someone who's obsessed with the number on the scale and the width of her waist.

I got the sudden urge to look up and when I did I saw something I didn't like. I was unfamiliar with the person who was in the mirror. Her cheekbones were more prominent than the last time I checked. There were bags underneath her eyes that had once been bright with fiery passion but were now dull. Her once beautiful, full tan skin was now pale. She didn't seem to be alive in that empty shell of hers and all I could see were imperfections and fat.

I was shaken out of staring at myself in the mirror when I felt warm arms wrap around me and pull me back against a strong chest. I noticed grey eyes were staring at me in the mirror. I was suddenly feeling self conscious because Levi had to see me this way. I froze up and waited for him to be disgusted by the sight of me.

"You were taking a long time so I came to check up on you," he told me, pressing a kiss to my shoulder. I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding, because this was Levi. He'd never say anything bad to me. Levi can be a complete ass but he's always been kind to me even though I drag him along with my issues and self doubt. "I made pancakes. Do you want any?"

"Not really…" I knew he wanted me to eat especially when I was rushed to the ER a month ago. He's been trying to get me to eat ever since. My voice came out tiny as I looked down to avert eye contact. "But I might eat just a tiny bit."

"I made them the way you like them," he said and a second or two later he was gone.

I sighed and didn't look at the mirror again as I put on the fresh clothes I had left out; a baggy long sleeve shirt and baggy sweat pants. As I dried my hair, I closed my eyes so I couldn't see myself and once I was satisfied with my hair I pulled it up into a messy bun. I opened my eyes as soon as I was facing away from the mirror and left the bathroom. I threw my dirty clothes away into the hamper and snuck over to the closet. I grabbed one of Levi's hoodies that was bigger than it should be for a man his size and put that on too. He always says he doesn't like it when I steal his stuff. I knew he secretly liked it when I wear them.

The whole apartment smelled of freshly cooked pancakes. If I had an appetite I would've rushed over to the one pancake Levi had left out for me and just devour it before asking for more. Instead I slowly walked over the the table and sat down, looking down at the food sickly. I had to remember that I was doing this for Levi. I didn't have to eat all of it just a tiny bit. He'd be satisfied with that much.

I heard the sound of paper rustling and I glanced up to see Levi reading the newspaper. He wasn't watching me to see if I was eating at all or not. I appreciated it a lot. I felt a little more comfortable now even though it took a lot of self convincing to finally rip off a small piece of the pancake and start nibbling on it. The taste of it was a little foreign but I had started getting used to eating tiny bits of food like this ever since Levi started to force feed me.

I was reluctant to grab another piece after that, but did it anyway. When I thought I had enough, I pushed the plate away, showing Levi that I was done. I watched him set the newspaper down next to him and our eyes met. He clicked his tongue once he noticed what I was wearing. "Did you seriously steal my hoodie again?"

"Yes, it's nice and comfy. I really like it," I pouted. He raised an eyebrow and I looked back at him defiantly. "I'm not going to take it off if that's what you're thinking."

"I wasn't thinking that."

"Good because even if you wanted me to I wouldn't." I knew he wanted me to keep it on. He doesn't know that I knew this though.

Levi glanced down at the food I had pushed aside and I swear I could see a small smile gracing his lips. "You ate more than you usually do," he said.

"What?" I asked a little mortified by the fact that I had eaten more than I intended to. I leaned over to peer at my food and I really had. Oh god how many calories would that be? How much weight will I gain? All these thoughts started to flow into my mind as I sat back, sickened by the fact that I had eaten way too much.

'Should I throw it up?' I wondered, 'No that would make Levi upset.'

Again, I was shaken out of my thoughts when I felt a kiss be placed on my forehead and I looked up to see Levi standing there. His eyes had softened a tiny bit and that smile was just slightly bigger than before. The next thing he said made my heart melt. "I'm proud of you, Erin."

What the hell do I say to that. "Y-yeah," I stuttered a little.

'Good job, Erin. Taking compliments like a pro,' I thought as I watched him walk back to the kitchen with my half eaten pancake. I looked down at my hands nervously. I had just eaten more than I have in years. Was I proud of myself like Levi was? Happy? No I felt scared. Scared of gaining weight.

"Are you ready to go? The movie is going to start in less than an hour," Levi told me as he pulled on his coat and wrapped a scarf around his neck.

"Really? What time is it?"

"It's about a quarter after elev-"

I jumped out of my seat and rushed to the bathroom. "What do you mean it's only a quarter after eleven?!" I called out to him as I grabbed my toothbrush and went speed racer on brushing my teeth. I had told myself that I'd do it after eating. If I had known that I wouldn't have much time to get ready then I would have done it earlier.

"Did you seriously forget to brush your teeth?" A voice asked right next to me. I sent a glare to my lover at the side of my eye.

"I th'ght I coul' do 't aft'r eat'ng," I said around my toothbrush. He scowled at the fact that I was talking with something in my mouth and my spit was probably shooting out at him.

"That's disgusting."

I spit out the toothpaste and washout my mouth. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier?"

"You were tired so I let you sleep in," Levi replied and walked away. I followed him out as he continued, "Anyways you were in the shower for about an hour."

My eyes widened slightly and I caught up with him so we were walking next to each other. "It didn't seem like it was that long."

"You were in the shower for about a half an hour and then in the bathroom for awhile."

I looked down ashamed because I had been so focused on my body to pay attention to what was going on around me. I must have disappointed Levi or something. "I'm sorry…" I whispered.

"Don't worry about it," he told me in a soft tone that he only used when I was feeling really insecure. I relaxed some and looked back up a little more confidently. Levi was here and that's all I needed.

The ride to the movie theater was mostly me singing loudly to Christmas songs just to annoy the living shit out of Levi. He hated Christmas music more than the holiday. To be honest I was starting to feel like my old self again. That is before my problem began. It was nice. Maybe because it was Christmas and Levi's birthday or maybe because I'm in love. I wasn't too sure. It was probably both. It felt really weird though. It was almost as if I was normal again.

The movie we were going to go see was The Revenant. I had wanted to see it ever since September and I kept on bothering Levi about it until he agreed to watch it on the day it came out - which turned out to be on Christmas. The main reason why I wanted to watch it was because Leonardo DiCaprio was in it. I had a slight celebrity crush on him. To be honest I liked the movie a lot. Levi told me he thought it was okay. I told him that he was crazy. I kept on talking about it the whole entire ride to lunch though, just to annoy the living shit out of him again. At one point I swear I saw Levi smile.

However I quieted down the closer we got to the restaurant. This was going to be the hard part because what if I'm forced to get a plate for myself? I can't eat a whole plate of food because 1) I can't eat that much in general 2) my stomach has shrunk 3) way too many calories and fat. I frowned at the thought. I've already eaten way too much today. I don't need anymore.

Levi probably noticed my change of mood because all he said was, "You don't have to eat anything, Erin."

Sighing, I looked over at Levi with a small smile. He was paying attention to the road, but my heart started to beat faster. I was so in love with this man. Even though he has to deal with my shit 24/7, I couldn't think of a life without him. "Thank you Levi."He hummed in response and we left the conversation at that.

It didn't take us very long to get to the restaurant. I didn't really like it because the whole place reeked of Mexican food. The waitress was nice though. She kindly sat us down at a booth at the back of the restaurant and gave us our drinks. When she took our orders, she didn't ask me why I didn't want anything or about how I looked malnourished. I remembered this one time Levi and I went to this restaurant and the waiter was a huge jerk. He had told me that I should eat so I could get some meat on my bones because I looked like a stick. I felt like hiding after he said that. Levi looked like he was going to murder the guy though. We haven't been to that restaurant ever since.

Levi got these strange looking enchiladas and a side salad. I wondered how he could eat something that looked so weird with its brightly colored sauce. After a while, Levi noticed that I was staring at his food. He pushed his salad across the table to me. "You can have some of my salad if you want."

"No thank you…." I pushed it back to him and started to fiddle with a piece of string that was sticking out of the hoodie's sleeve. He accepted his food silently.

We sat there in comfortable silence for awhile until Levi asked, "Are you sure you're going to be okay while I'm gone?"

I stopped playing with the string. "Yeah I think so…. Armin and Mikasa said that they were willing to come check up on me every so often. Um…. will you still video chat with me and call and stuff..?"

"Of course."

"That's good." I smiled and started to fiddle with the string again. "I'm really going to miss you. You're going to be gone longer than you ever have before…"

"It'll only be for two years. Before you know it I'll be home."

"I'm not going to have that much time to hangout with you before you leave though. You're leaving tomorrow for Camp Pendleton, right?"

Levi nodded. "I'll call you when I get there."

"Okay…"

"Hey Erin." I felt him kick my shin lightly to get my attention. "I'll be fine. No bombs are going to blow me up. I'm going to come back for you."

I usually don't cry, but I felt like crying right then and there. Levi's going to leave for a really long time and I'll miss him like crazy, but what made me emotional was the fact that he was going to come back for me. People usually don't do that. I've been abandoned by so many people over the years. He'll come back for me though.

A small smile slowly appeared on my face and I nodded. He knew how I was feeling. We didn't need to talk about our feelings to know how the other was feeling. We were better at showing them through actions.

It didn't take real long for Levi to finish his food. I told him that he didn't have to give the waitress such a huge tip, but he told me that he wanted to since she was kind to us - in other words, me. I didn't say anything after that.

When we left the restaurant, we drove over to the city park. There was going to be a Christmas Lane there with lights and Christmas themed decorations; such as snowmen and light up reindeer. We went there last year for Christmas too. Levi didn't really enjoy it as much as I did but he seemed to like it enough to come back.

It was still too early to go in yet so we parked the car close by and decided to walk around the city for a bit till it was dark enough to head back. When it was finally night out, we went back to the park. As we got closer I could see the lights in the distance. There were couples and families walking around. There were also some children played in the snow. I smiled at the sight. If I could, I'd run over there, but I stayed. I knew that if I went alone people would comment on my appearance.

By the time we were there, I was looking around at everything. It looked different from last year. There were plastic houses everywhere with light decorations on them. I really liked the one that had lights that were shaped like candy canes.

I turned my head to Levi and noticed that he was already staring at me. "What?"

"It's nothing."

I stared at him for a few seconds before we started to walk around, looking at all the decorations. At one a point I grabbed Levi's hand and laced our fingers together. Believe it or not, at that very moment I felt the happiest I had ever been in the longest time.

We didn't stay there for real long though, due to our fingers and toes threatening to get frostbite if we didn't go home. As soon as the front door was open, I rushed to our bedroom to change clothes. It had started to snow again as soon as we got back to the apartment. There were so many small flakes of snow on me that it looked like I had a really bad case of dandruff. All I wanted to do was put on some nice, warm clothes and snuggle into the blankets.

By the time Levi walked into our bedroom, I was sitting on the bed with our comforter wrapped around me. He snorted at the sight and started to change his clothes. I was watching him as he took off his shirt. I loved the way his muscles moved as he pulled the shirt off over his head. He noticed my staring and smirked, "Enjoying the view?"

"Very much."

Levi said nothing and went back to changing. I just wanted him to hurry up so we could cuddle already. It felt like hours when he finally decided to come join me. Levi told me to get out of the blankets and scoot. I whined loudly as I crawled out of the blankets. It was freezing cold in here.

I'm pretty sure Levi rolled his eyes at that and I was about to complain to him until I felt arms pull me back between Levi's legs and against his chest. I sighed at the heat he was radiating off and it made it even better when he pulled the comforter up onto us. It felt nice to relax and be warm.

We sat there silently, enjoying each other's presence. I felt normal. I wasn't really thinking about going and checking my weight. Levi's arms and warmth were the only things that kept me from going. However over time I realized that I hadn't given him a present.

"I still haven't given you a birthday present yet…" I told Levi, thinking of what I could give him for his birthday. I didn't buy him anything so that was out of the question. Well there was that other thing. I turned around and asked, "Do you want to have birthday sex?"

Levi quirked a brow. "That is a very tempting gift, but there's something else I want for my birthday."

I tilted my head a little and stared at him confused. "What do you want then?"

Levi looked away, and for some reason he looked… nervous? That was strange. Levi's rarely nervous. Was he going to tell me something bad? The only possible thing that popped into my mind was that he wanted to break up. It was a ridiculous thought to think, but I like I've said before I don't really have a lot of self-confidence. What if he really did want to break up with me? A knot formed in my throat as I waited for him to answer me.

It seemed like ages until Levi finally looked at me again. He grabbed both of my hands and I nervously nodded my head for him to continue. He took in one deep breath and exhaled before he started to speak.

"Erin, the first time we met, you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my whole life. Yes, I will admit that you were a pain in my ass at first, but the more I got to know you, the more I was slowly falling in love with you-" he glanced away again "-Shit I might've not looked like it, but I was happy when you went out with me for the first time. I was happy when we moved in together. I know I suck at showing my feelings or talking about them, and I'm not good at romantic things. Over the years our relationship has had its ups and down, but Erin, I just want you to know that I really do love you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

I didn't know I was crying until I finally realized what Levi wanted. He didn't want to break up. He wanted something that was completely different. What he's going to say was something I've always wanted to hear every since I fell in love with him.

To help the mood, Levi coughed awkwardly before pulling up one of my hands and kissed the top of it. With his lips still pressed against my hand, Levi gazed up at me and the look in his eyes made me want to melt. "Erin, will you marry me?"

I pounced onto him and wrapped my arms around his neck. "God you're such a sap," I laughed in the middle of sobbing, "Yes, Levi, I will marry you."

Levi muttered something about how he couldn't believe he was being a sap but wrapped his arms around me anyway. I pressed our foreheads together and kept on whispering 'yes'. At some point, Levi leaned in to give me into a chaste kiss - which I turned into a passionate kiss.

Levi was the first to pull away from the kiss, leaving me to want more. "I ask for one thing before we get married."

"What would that be?"

"I know how you feel about your weight," Levi said and I stiffened at the mention of it, " And I'm sure you're aware this concerns me, right?"

I nodded hesitantly, ashamed by the fact that I really did know and did nothing to do something about it. Not like I really could.

"Do you remember your mother's wedding dress - the one you love?" he asked and I nodded slowly, "Here's the thing I ask of you. In two years if you can fit into that dress then we can have our wedding."

I stared at Levi mortified. He wanted me to gain weight? Why would he say that? I thought he wanted to make me happy… but the thought of finally being able to marry him seemed to do just that. I would be able to walk down the aisle with Levi waiting at the altar for me. Everyone would be there; Mikasa, Armin, mom and dad, Levi's family and friends. Just thinking of sharing our first kiss as a married couple made me a little flustered.

Erin Ackerman.

It sounded really nice in my head and the more I thought about it the more I liked it. Yet should I give up on trying to be thin to marry Levi? Skinny or Levi? I sat there contemplating on what I should do. Luckily Levi was waiting patiently for my answer. He was too kind.

After what seemed like forever, I leaned back and hesitantly said, "I can, um, try to gain weight if it'll make you happy…"

"I want you to gain weight for yourself and feel happy with the way you look. Don't do it for me, do it for yourself. You'll feel better and be happier in life."

I averted my eyes and frowned. I was scared and I didn't know if I could be happy not being skinny. A hand pushed back a strand of my hair behind my ear and out of my face before caressing my cheek. It was so uncommon for Levi to show this much affection. "I want you to be happy and feel beautiful, Erin. I promise you will feel that way someday."

God those words made my heart pound heavily against my ribs, and I swear I was going to start crying again. I had always thought it was impossible to stop desiring to be thin, and here was Levi, trying to convince me that it was possible. That I could actually go through with something like this.

"Okay… I'll try my best I guess..." I whispered, shifting in my spot nervously.

Levi seemed to be satisfied with my answer because he leaned over the bed, opened the nightstand drawer, and took something out. He leaned back against the wall and held out a small black box. "This is for you."

I took the box from him and slowly opened it to reveal the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. It was silver with the band twirling around a big diamond. There were smaller diamonds on either side of bigger one. "It's so beautiful, Levi," I whispered, pulling the ring out of the box. I held it closer to my face to get a better look at it.

I gave him the ring when he held out his hand expectantly. "When you're struggling or feeling insecure some days," he said as he picked up my left hand and slid the ring onto my finger, "I want you to look as this and remember your goal. I want you to think of me."

Trying not to cry again, I wrapped my arms around my fiance's shoulders and kissed his cheek. "I love you, Levi."

"I love you too, Erin."

Author Notes: thanks for reading my fanfic. it's going to be a two-shot. chapter two will be coming soon so please stay tuned. if anyone was wondering, i got the inspiration to write this from an article i read online. i found it very interesting and i thought of my otp, levi/eren. however, it didn't seem right for eren to be a guy so i made him a girl. i know males can have anorexia as well, but fem!eren just seemed to fit the role better. sadly my fanfic made my editor cry.

ps: if you want to see what the ring looks like in real life, send me a pm.