Out of the Fire and Back to Heaven
Death is often associated as something being final. It is the extinguishment of life. The cause… could be multiple reasons. In this job, it usually was at the business end of a gun or any weapon that could be fired. In the case of Captain John "Soap" MacTavish it was nearly blown up and bleeding out from a stab wound.
MacTavish looked out the window of his room at the snowy landscape of Bratislava. He could see the Danube River and people milling about, carrying on with their lives. He watched the people feeling frustrated and resigned. It had been a long three weeks and he still had no word. No word on whether or not Makarov was down; whether or not his Nico was alive.
MacTavish shifted slightly and grunted, pressing his forearm into his torso. Broken ribs were a bitch and it didn't help that his lung was recovering, keeping him out of commission. Never mind the laceration that nearly killed him was giving him the same problems his stab wound had; his ribs agitated him and he was being kept from going after the bastard that kidnapped his girlfriend.
As he gingerly rubbed his ribs, MacTavish continued to look out the window. He thought about how he got there. He shifted as he remembered those moments from hearing about Yuri's association with Makarov, to jumping out of the old church, to telling Price that Makarov knew Yuri… Thinking and remembering was all he did.
Makarov knows… Yuri.
MacTavish knew he was dying. The amount of blood that he had lost moving from the church to the rendezvous safe house… it was enough to kill him. It was why he wasted his last moments telling Price what he had learned about the Russian that he had thought he could trust.
Listen to Yuri… trust me.
She told him that before they separated to carry out their parts of the mission. It was like she knew. Then again she had been uneasy since they planned it. He knew that because he held her close the night before and they talked. He sang to her the song he liked waking her up with. She told him that she was uneasy and again he didn't act on it. Now she was taken and once again he failed her though she had told him that they had an opportunity and they needed to take it. This job…
MacTavish shook his head. She had conveyed her concerns but even she said they had to take the chance. They did and it didn't pan out. She had told him to listen to Yuri and that essentially meant to trust the man. It raised the question of whether or not she knew before then. Did she know the man's past? If she did, why didn't she say anything?
She did. She wanted you to trust him as she did.
MacTavish sighed and winced again. The fall from the church did more than give a life draining laceration. He ended up with a few busted ribs and his lung collapsed. He had been told that his gear had saved him from worse in terms of internal damage. It even saved him from injury to his spine. Didn't do shite for his abdomen.
Not now Soap. Just rest… C'mon stay with me son.
MacTavish knew that even as he laid there on the table, he was fading. He was going to die. It was what made him determined to tell Price. He knew that Price would then do what he had to do. As soon as he told Price, he felt his breaths become shallower. The air started to leave his lungs and everything became numb. It was like the pain was leaving. Then his vision darkened and he saw black.
MacTavish knew he was dead. He felt the air leave his body. He saw black and then there was nothing. At least he thought so. He did remember the thoughts and memories that were running through his mind.
You stay with me. I did not let the little bird fly for her to fall because you die.
Listen to Yuri. Trust me.
Tha gaol agam ort.
I will find you Anya…
I will find her. I will keep her safe.
MacTavish couldn't explain it but he suddenly felt the rush of air into his lungs and his heart started beating. It was also then that he started realizing that he was having a hard time breathing. He felt like he was suffocating and no one was listening to him. At the time there was a lot of gunfire going on so it made sense that no one heard him. He thought that he had come back only to die again because people thought he was already dead. He laid there struggling to breathe until suddenly something was stuck in his chest and he was able to breathe.
Good you're not dead.
As it turned out, David was the one that helped him to breathe. MacTavish remembered wanting to retort to that remark but he couldn't. He was starting to feel drowsy again and he felt his vision start to darken. He thought he was going to die again. He did end up passing out after hearing David order someone to grab him to get him out.
He woke up a couple of days later here in the hospital in Bratislava. He felt pain in his chest and abdomen and found more tubing and wiring stuck to him than the first time. He was ready to pull it all out when he was restrained by David. He put up a struggle until Ghost and Roach came into the picture and it sent him almost into a surprised panic. It pissed him off when David injected a sedative in his IV line.
He came to later that day and David told him everything about how she saved Ghost and Roach from death. He felt pride at her sniper shot even if it didn't kill Shepherd. The distance alone was enough to make him proud. He remembered feeling a little hurt that she didn't tell him her plans and that their closest friends and comrades were alive.
She had told him before that a soldier being together with a spy was a recipe for disaster. She had warned him because she hadn't wanted him to get hurt by her job. She knew his job and she risked it and he thought he knew hers enough to risk it. Every step of the way she gave him the opportunity to back out even if it was a risk to her heart. He saw it then as David told him that he found him on the table struggling to breathe after Price and Yuri left.
David told him that he took it upon himself to transport his body to a safe place. MacTavish wondered why but was also grateful that he came. He asked David why he started breathing again after he had died but the Mossad agent had no answer to give… at least none that was definitive. But MacTavish had an idea why and it was because he made a promise to keep her safe from the bastard. As it were he couldn't do that but he knew Price wouldn't let anything happen to her.
So that was how MacTavish ended up in Bratislava, recovering from his injuries and waiting for any news. It was a routine of sorts. He would wake up, do whatever the hell David wanted him to do and be the model patient and then sit and wait. He was waiting until he would be released and he could go after her.
"Still waiting?"
MacTavish turned to see David leaning against the doorframe, "None of your bloody business."
"It is. After all you are my patient."
"Go away."
It was the usual conversation between MacTavish and David that had been occurring for the past three weeks. This time though it ended with David telling him, "Can't let Price know you're alive. Otherwise Makarov will know."
It pissed MacTavish off and he threatened to kick the Mossad agent's ass. David left it at that saying, "You're staying here. Doctor's orders. But you may help in locating her. First step healing."
It was motivation enough for MacTavish. He nodded his agreement and made plans. Tomorrow he would start working. He would work on getting back his strength. He would work to bring her back.
~0~0~
It's been a month and MacTavish found himself chasing leads where none existed… as she used to say. David was running point and sent him to recon and gather intel. It wasn't exactly the kind of thing that he wanted to be doing but with Makarov now a wanted fugitive, the bastard was in hiding. Still it was a step forward to find her.
Things were fairly quiet for him and while he got the suspicion that David was doing more than he let on, MacTavish wasn't going to complain. He spent the time he had becoming stronger. With the same determination he had after Altay, he pulled himself together and began working out to strengthen his body and mind. He knew he should be grateful that he was being given recovery time and that he really didn't have to go out in the field. Yet he felt useless.
If you want to go on feeling sorry for yourself then be my guest. You're better than that.
She always believed in him even though she could be an annoying shite about it. He remembered when she 'kidnapped' him from Birmingham and drove him out to the country to that training facility. She never explained how she knew about it or how she was able to square it away with his superiors. She called it ways and means and left it at that. It was her way of saying not to worry about it. And he didn't… not that much anyway and it was no big deal since when he arrived at Credenhill to get back to work… things were good.
You're not bad for a Scottish bastard.
MacTavish grunted as he started another round of pushups. He was pushing himself harder than the greenest of recruits but he had to. One goal was in his mind and that was to find his Nico and bring her back. Killing Makarov was the icing on the cake though that was the goal all along. His priority though was her. It had been since the day he found out how much that bastard affected her.
Nico? Nico!
Don't you touch me!
The words were not directed at him. He knew that even though they stung. He knew though she was still in the thralls of her nightmare until she grabbed him around the neck and sobbed. She told him about what happened before they met, how the circumstances were so that they ended up meeting the way they did.
It baffled him at first that she was actually crying since he had never seen her cry before. She had always appeared as indomitable. No one saw her get emotional. She kept it together and inspired others to do things that they would never have thought of before. It certainly opened him up more as he got comfortable with his unit being the FNG. But then he saw that she was a person like everyone else with thoughts, feelings and the proof was her holding onto him like he was her lifeline.
I did not let the little bird fly for her to fall because you die.
Did Yuri see that as well? MacTavish still wasn't sure about the Russian that had stood by them and fought with them. In his experience, those who switched sides had ulterior motives. Worst case scenario was that they were working for the other side all along and were playing along with you. That went more along with the spy business and what she did. She was different as he asserted mostly to himself. True the job went to places that were not the best and she did warn him but she meant a lot to him.
She could have left him after they returned to England. She had her job and he had his. But she didn't. She stayed. Then she called him a friend and he did the same. She stayed and was there when he pulled himself together. She taught him that you didn't get over things like that but you moved through them… learned to live with it and eventually come to see that it was something that couldn't be controlled. She understood him then and she did now.
MacTavish grunted as he finished his set. He took a couple of deep breaths, grateful that he was out of that thing to help him breathe while his lung healed. He may be pushing it a little but he was mindful of David's edict and that the man had the power to make his life miserable since he was still considered a patient. Putting his hands on his hips, he looked around at the room that he was training in. He was tired of this place but David said that he was to recuperate.
"Still trying to convince me to sign off earlier?"
MacTavish turned to see David standing in the doorway and accompanied by his dog Ari. The dog immediately trotted up to MacTavish and gave a friendly bark to which MacTavish responded by petting the dog. "In a manner of speaking, David. Why are you being a pillock about it?"
"Because I can and I've seen too many patients who think they know better than the doctor," David replied.
MacTavish gave a slight scowl at the Mossad agent. "But you've let me do a few ops."
"Only the non-strenuous kind and you know it." David shifted slightly on his feet. He looked at MacTavish pointedly and came closer. "And it's hard to forget the condition we found you in. And you were dead according to the resistance. I have people who saw you…" He trailed off.
MacTavish nodded at that. David still hadn't been able to explain how it was that he was able to come back let alone stay alive since he lost quite a bit of blood. All he had was what he could recall and he told David. It still didn't give answers but he was grateful to be alive. It meant that he had more time with her and he didn't want to waste a second. "I know mate, but I can't just sit here doing nothing."
It was quiet as David studied the Scot before saying, "There is another reason I'm keeping you here. Take a walk." He turned and gestured for MacTavish to follow.
MacTavish hesitated slightly but his instincts, both natural and honed, told him that there was a reason for this. He and David had a grudging respect with each other and he wasn't going to disregard anything the man said. He followed the Mossad agent through the hospital with Ari by his side and panting happily. They walked through the hospital until they were in David's office. Once the door was closed, MacTavish asked, "Alright so what's going on?"
David studied MacTavish to think about his choice of words before replying, "I know you want to know about a mutual acquaintance of ours."
MacTavish nodded, "Aye. I want to know why I can't see or talk to her." He crossed his arms over his chest.
"The reason for that… is because she is not with Price." David cleared his throat and prepared for the worst. "Our friend was taken… by Makarov."
~0~0~
Two months since he had been exfilled out of Prague. Two months wasting his time with recovery, training and doing menial intel work for David. Two months of her being Makarov's prisoner. And it bloody pissed him off that he was unable to do anything about it.
MacTavish paced around the courtyard working off steam, mostly because he had worked himself up and was ready to be nasty with David. It wasn't the man's fault. But it didn't help that he was right about one thing. Makarov thought he was dead and until it would be a good idea to do so, it was best to not make himself known. There was logic and practicality to it but it just didn't make him feel any better.
It didn't make Ghost or Roach feel any better either. But they had more freedom of movement. It had shocked MacTavish to find that they had been alive. First thoughts were that he was going crazy. Later, when the trauma and everything else had been taken care of and he could handle it, they tried again. It was nice to know that not everyone was dead.
"The last time you were that pissed you were trying to shoot a dummy."
MacTavish stopped pacing and turned to see Ghost standing there. "So you're back," he replied, not really rising to the bait of the statement.
Ghost looked at his friend and former CO and shuffled on his feet slightly before approaching. "Yes and had a bloody hell of a time with it. How are you?"
"The usual mate. Sitting here being a lazy arse," MacTavish replied with a slight hint of sarcasm.
Ghost nodded as he ran a hand through his hair. He had taken his balaclava off and tucked it in his back pocket. Since most people had never seen his face and he had to go in public a few times, it helped to go without it though he did have a distinct face with a scar above his right brow and distinct blue eyes in contrast to the dark hair. "I know what it's like mate."
"You know what it's like to sit here knowing she's out there and you can't do anything about it?"
"Yes." Ghost crossed his arms over his chest. "Of course she made it so we were out of the game as far as helping you and Price out. Muppet told us David was in charge."
"Seems like we got the short end, mate," MacTavish replied, calming down a little. He gave a slight grin. He sobered though and asked, "So you know she's Makarov's prisoner?"
"Aye and me and Roach have been tracking leads same as you."
"Bastard is underground after that business in Russia." MacTavish shook his head as the worst case scenario popped in his mind. "And he has her… like he aimed to."
Ghost watched MacTavish. He knew their relationship, or rather guessed at the depth previously. They had always been professional and good natured in front of the team. Now he was seeing how deep that relationship went. The situation she was in… there was nothing he could say that would make it better. All he could say was, "We'll find her."
"I know. I'm just frustrated, mate. The world thinks I'm dead and I'm not. But I can't bloody do anything that would change that."
MacTavish shifted and paced a little in front of Ghost. He only paused when he saw the cigar being offered. He looked at Ghost who was holding it out and had another in his mouth. He took it and gave a subtle sniff. They were the kind he liked to smoke and he raised his brow at Ghost. "Thanks."
"They are good." Ghost pulled out a lighter and lit up MacTavish before his. "Picked it up after watching the muppet try one."
MacTavish smirked as he inhaled the smoke. He would probably get it later from David but right now it was the only thing he could do to keep himself calm apart from training since David was being firm about keeping him near this place which was a sort of safe house and clinic. It wasn't too far from the hospital but it was a change of scenery. "She only tried it because I dared her to."
Ghost chuckled at that. "She would," he muttered.
The pair smoked in companionable silence, each reflecting on their concern that they were doing what they were doing to find their friend but it didn't feel like it was enough. They were joined by Roach who joined in and the three of them just smoked while thinking about things in general and more specifically about their friends still out there.
~0~0~
She looked beautiful. She always did when she was asleep. There were no worries apparent on her face when she slept. It was one of the reasons why he made that promise so long ago; the promise to watch over her and keep her safe. It morphed into something more with him amending that to catch the bastard that tormented her.
MacTavish sat beside the bed, not sure if he should touch her though she longed to. Three months of captivity and she was free. She was free from Makarov and that was all thanks to Price… and Yuri.
He had found out she was found and alive through Ghost and Roach when they extracted her and Price from the Oasis Hotel before the local authorities found them. He heard Price's surprise at the whole thing since, like MacTavish, he thought they were dead. Yet the old man was agreeable and they got them out. They even managed to get Yuri's body out.
It was another three days before they came back to the safe house in Bratislava. It was the longest three days in MacTavish's life and even then he couldn't see her right away. It was the one time he was seriously pissed at David and threatened the Mossad agent if he didn't let him see her. It took all three of them to stop him from reaching out and strangling David with Price managing to convince him though he couldn't remember exactly what was said except that he was to behave until David gave the word.
Thinking about it now, he was grateful for that. Price filled him in on the details… at least as much as he got. MacTavish realized that he might have hurt her more than helped her initially. The mere thought of that had him become sober to the point that people thought he was depressed. Maybe he was depressed but only because of the danger he could have put her in and that killed him. It was only Price telling him that the most Makarov got away with regarding her was that the man hit her.
It made MacTavish feel a little better but he still felt horrified with himself. She was his everything. She stood by him when he felt alone. He sat there thinking about it, watching her sleep even though he could have come the next day when she was awake. But he just wanted to be there, where she was most at peace.
A noise caught his attention and MacTavish looked towards the bed where she was sleeping. She had started twitching in her sleep and moaning as if in pain. She started mumbling in her sleep like she was… "No… No… Soap…"
It was automatic for MacTavish to lean forward. He reached forward with his hand and gently grasped her outstretched hand. He paused only to wince at the cast on her right arm. He continued and reached for her left. He lifted the small hand so it was resting on his palm. Her fingers twitched slightly like they were caressing his palm and her twitching seemed to lessen but she still was whimpering and calling for him.
MacTavish swallowed, not wanting to risk waking her up, but he didn't want her to suffer. In a low voice he said, "It's okay. Nico. I'm here."
She whimpered a little bit more but it was encouraging. It was even more so when her fingers bent as if trying to clasp his hand. He continued, "It's okay."
She calmed a little but she still whimpered. "No… not…"
MacTavish watched her start to shake more. She was retreating from him. He wanted to grab onto her hand but he got the feeling that it would wake her up and she would go with first reaction. And that would be to fight back.
There was one way he knew of that would calm her down. Using his other hand, he stroked the top of her hand while their palms touched. He wasn't grabbing her and even in her sleep she sensed that but her body was still tense. It didn't sway MacTavish as he started to sing, "I heard a wee bird singing. In my chamber as I lay. The casement open swinging. As morning woke the day. And the boughs around were twining, the bright sun through them shining, and I had long been pining for my Nico far away… When I heard the wee bird singing."
She started to relax and it encouraged MacTavish to sing the next verse of the song, "She heard the wee bird singing, for its notes were wondrous clear. As if wedding bells were ringing, melodious to the ear. And still it rang that wee bird's song, just like the bells: ding-dong, ding-dong. While my heart beat so quick and strong, it felt that she was near. And she heard the wee bird singing."
MacTavish watched as she continued to relax. He was chasing her nightmare away; a small thing but it meant much. He continued to sing, "We heard the wee bird singing after brief time had flown. The true bells had been ringing and Nico was my own. And oft I tell her, jesting, playing… I knew what the wee bird was saying. That morning, when she, no longer straying, flew back to me whole. And we love the wee bird singing."
He had changed the words to make it personal for her. It suited her and it became their thing with him waking her up with it. Now he was using it to soothe her to sleep. Seeing her sleep gave him a warm feeling. She was here, he was here and they were together. He would see her in the morning.
Continuing to stroke her hand, he stood up from his chair and leaned over her. He studied her features once more before gently placing a kiss to her temple. Reluctantly he slipped his hands from hers, gently setting it down on the bed. He was relieved that she didn't start twitching in her sleep again. His gaze lingered on her a little longer before he made his way to the door quietly so as not to wake her. He didn't hear her whisper his name.
He had opened the door and was going to leave when he heard, "John."
She had only called him that one other time… four years ago. It was enough to stop him in his tracks. He slowly turned to look at her to find that her eyes were open. They had the faintest hints of sleep but she was awake. She was looking at him with those hazel green eyes of hers.
MacTavish wasn't sure if he should do anything. He would have liked to have gone with first instincts but after what David filled him in earlier when the Mossad agent was certain he wasn't going to get strangled for it… he was cautious. He didn't want to be taken from her again. He didn't want her taken from him. He could only reply, "Go to sleep Nico."
It sounded stupid to say but it was better to meet her when she was completely awake and able to meet him head on like she always did. He shifted to go through the door but was held back by her saying, "Don't go."
He couldn't go. But he didn't move towards her either. He stared at her until his brain caught up with him and he said, "David said you needed sleep."
"I had enough sleep," she said almost in that sarcastic way of hers. "I've been wanting to see you. It's the only thing that kept me from busting out of here."
It allowed MacTavish to chuckle softly, "David is a pillock, love. But a good man. Saved my life."
"A story behind that I can hear." She shifted slightly but was still lying in the same position.
"Not the kind to get you to sleep with," MacTavish replied with a slight shake of his head. Taking a breath he continued, "Nico… you should go back to sleep. And I should go before David imposes a ban on me."
"Soap."
MacTavish stopped and turned to look at her. This was making it harder to step away from. "Nico…"
"Please… stay."
He couldn't deny her request. Not after waiting so long to see her again. He couldn't exactly run and grab her but… Closing the door firmly, he walked to where he had abandoned his chair and sat there. His hands reached for her good one and clasped it into his.
"That all?"
She was teasing him… like she always did when she gave him a challenge. He took it and leaned forward to capture her lips with his own. It wasn't like the hard ones he had given her when they had been reunited after near misses. It was slow and gently, his tongue prodding her mouth open and delving into her soft warmth.
He felt her hand touch his cheek, feeling his stubble, the cold more reassuring that she was there. He felt her slim fingers move upwards towards his hair to finger it, tangling in the Mohawk portion. She shifted underneath to lay on her back giving him more access. He pulled back to take a breath and in time to see her raise her casted arm.
Gently he pushed it back down on the bed. He had to be the firm one. There was plenty of time to let all their feelings out. He gave a slight shake of his head to indicate what he meant. "Easy, Nico. I won't have David yelling because of that."
She sighed while giving a slight pout. MacTavish remedied that by leaning forward and kissing her again. He gently pressed his forehead against hers and whispered, "I'll stay and I won't leave you."
The only response was another kiss and another after that. MacTavish had found her and he wasn't going to let her go. He had died and had come back to life. He came back out of the fire and made his way back… back to heaven.
A/N: Well MacTavish is back from the dead and waiting to be reunited with his Nico. By request from various followers, the interim from MacTavish surviving Prague to being reunited with his Nico. Enjoy.