"No. Thank you."
Those three little words rang dully in Caroline's ears as she sat numbly in her jeep. No bloody thank you! Where had it all gone wrong?
She stared almost sightlessly out of the windscreen as a myriad of thoughts raced around her head in a random order. A woman walked by with her dog and peered curiously at Caroline but she didn't notice. She looked at the road ahead. It was wide and sunny, lined with trees. Open and welcoming, just like Kate. She scoffed inwardly as she thought about the type of place that'd represent her. A cave probably. Dark, dank and inhospitable. Yep, that'd be about right.
She slumped forward, her arms around the steering wheel and her forehead bowed resting on it. She felt defeated all over again. Closing her eyes she replayed the conversation in Kate's lounge in her head. Could she have done anything differently?
The flowers were lovely, she was sure of that. No more than Kate deserved of course, but they were lovely. She'd apologised. Hadn't she? Hold on, hold on...what had she said? Yes. She'd said...what was it? That she'd thought...it was worth one more time saying sorry...for all the things she'd got wrong...and that she would try harder. Ok, so...she had apologised. She had.
She leaned back in her seat again as a memory came into her head. A memory of another time when she had apologised to Kate. A time when she'd thought she'd lost her but when her mother (of all people!) had apologised and then brought them back together.
She'd been so relieved to see Kate at the door. And then that relief had ballooned into joy. Yes, actual joy. Joy at not losing this wonderful woman. Joy at being able to continue to be a part of her life.
And then that joy had unexpectedly imploded and had her sobbing like a child. Kate was there and she was so happy to see her but all she could do was sob. She'd felt so overwhelmed but Kate seemed to understand. She'd held her as she started to sob. They hadn't even made it out of the hallway but Kate had just held her, whispered soothing words and stroked her back like a child until her tears started to quell and her body started to relax.
Kate had led her to the sofa then. Sat her down and brushed the wetness from her cheeks, all the while looking at her with those velvet brown eyes. Then with her fingertips she brushed her hair back off her face and said, "Caroline," in that voice. That voice that reminded her of a butterfly on a summer breeze. Only of course she couldn't say that. She couldn't tell Kate that. She did once tell her that she had a beautiful voice and Kate surely knew what that voice, whispering in her ear when they made love, did to her. Oh yes, she definitely knew that!
Warm puffs of air, carrying carefully formed words on a sedan chair for Caroline's sole reception. Words that flattered and excited. Words that aroused, inflamed and even shocked. Words whose edges were soft but when they were bitten open were sharp and sour and sweet and hot. Words whose flavours and textures were colours and sounds. The melting apricot of 'I want you'. The smoking ochre of 'turn over'. The screaming lime of 'not until I say you can'...
Memories jostling for attention like excited children. Where was she? Oh yes, the apology. A time when she'd apologised and it'd gone well.
Sitting on her sofa, Kate's calming touches soothing her. She'd said, "Caroline," in a wonderment of concern and she'd had an overwhelming need to explain.
"Kate...I..."
"It's ok. It's alright."
"No. No, it's not. I need to...tell you...to make you understand." An empty sob, left behind like a lost child.
"Alright. Take your time...I'm not going anywhere." She brushed the backs of her fingers down her cheek.
Caroline took her hand. Anchored herself. Took a shaky breath. "You're right." A declaration. Paused to see if it resulted in triumph. No. Same, steady gaze; non-judgmental, caring. Another breath. "I'm sorry. I should've spoken to you...about how I felt...about where this was going...where we wanted it to go. But I...what I said to my mum...that wasn't the truth...not the truth as it is now. I think...I think I was keeping that from her...because it's...too new...too precious to even name yet."
"Caroline. Slow down." She lifted her hand to her mouth and kissed it. A benediction. "I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere. Take your time."
A smile at the recognition of her words. A pause to centre herself. "I told my mum...well I was trying to tell her how we...started...and then, well I got it all a bit mixed up with how we are now. But I never meant it to sound like I didn't care about you. That's just not true, Kate. You mean...the world to me."
Kate smiled. That neon smile that lit her up from inside. "Me too."
Yep, that'd gone well. Very well. So why not today? What was different? She looked up in frustration and then ran her hands through her hair and sighed heavily. Why was she so useless at this?
A young woman walked by the car on her phone talking quite loudly. She stopped dead just past the jeep's bonnet, clearly very annoyed.
"Well that's just it, isn't it? How am I supposed to know that? We never talk, Shaun." She paused before saying, "No, we don't! You talk more with your mates than you do with me and I'm beginning to feel like I'm being used!" Another pause. "Well what do you think I mean?" She walked toward the hedge and then turned on her heel and walked back again. "Oh for...God's sake Shaun! You're not a complete bloody idiot! Sex! I'm talking about sex!" She looked up and locked eyes with Caroline, realising for the first time that she was in the car. Blanching, she looked away, dropped her voice and walked on."
Caroline watched her walk away and sank back into the quiet safety of her seat now that the woman's intrusive words had faded away. As she welcomed the opportunity to return to her thoughts, she came to a sudden realisation. I need to tell her how I feel! More of how I feel anyway. She needs to understand. Properly.
She grasped the door handle, then let it go again, flipping the sun visor down and exposing the mirror to check her hair and make-up. She looked at herself critically before making a sound of frustration and flicking the visor back up. Before she could change her mind she got back out of the car and walked back to Kate's house, pointing the electronic fob behind her and clicking it to lock without looking.
She knocked on the door and tried to ignore the fact her mouth had gone incredibly dry. Before she was ready, Kate opened it, looking at her in astonishment. "Did you...forget something?" Her tone was clipped. Brittle.
Caroline swallowed, trying to conjure up some saliva. "Yes. I did."
Kate looked at her expectantly and then, when no explanation was forthcoming, she said, "What?" And at Caroline's continued silence, "What did you forget?"
Caroline seemed to come to life all,of a sudden. "There are things...I need to tell you. Things I should've told you...before."
Kate sighed, "It won't change anything, Caroline."
"That's as may be," Caroline said crisply, "But I need to know that I've done everything I could." Tears sprang unexpectedly to her eyes and she fought against them, looking down at the ground to disguise her struggle.
"Hello Caroline, hello Kate!" The greeting swooped in like a bird of paradise in a nuclear wasteland. Both women looked around to see its source and Kate's neighbour - as that's who it was - looked surprised at the challenge in their eyes.
Caroline found her manners, "Hello Bridget. How are you?"
"Oh I'm very well, thanks," she smiled at the headteacher. "My roses are coming on a treat now since you gave me your top tips." Caroline stretched her face into a smile. "You obviously know what you're talking about. She does, doesn't she Kate?" Bridget addressed her neighbour.
"Oh she definitely knows what she's talking about," muttered Kate.
"When you've got a minute, Caroline, do you think you could have a look at my hydrangeas? I'm worried that they've lost their...well, their bloom really."
Caroline smiled wanly and murmured something deliberately unintelligible.
"If you'll excuse us Bridget - sorry to be rude - but Caroline and I just need to talk about something important...apparently," Kate was the rudest Caroline had ever heard her be but before she could even be astounded she'd grasped her arm and had pulled her into the house.
"Oh, no problem," Bridget said politely but her face clearly expressed surprise, "We'll catch up...soon then," she tailed off as the door was firmly closed.
Finding herself at anchor in Kate's house again, Caroline still felt all at sea. Cast adrift. Buffeted by the very choppy seas apparent in Kate's eyes.
She glared at her, "Well you have Bridget to thank for this," she stated accusingly.
"I appreciate this, Kate. I know you don't...I don't deserve it."
Kate looked at her steadily. Caroline felt exposed. Remembered how Kate sometimes looked into her eyes when they made love. Reading her. Drowning her in tenderness.
"I don't have all day, Caroline." No tenderness now.
"Yes. Sorry." She took a deep breath. Why was this so hard? Why could she stand up in front of the whole school and deliver messages with ease when she couldn't stand in front of this one woman and say what she meant? "Ok...what I should have said earlier is that I realise - and I know I'm late to acknowledge this Kate, I know that - what we had was special. Really special. I don't underestimate that. And I know that maybe I haven't made you feel special...not all the time anyway...but I should have because you are...and what we had...was." She tailed off feeling her words trail in front of her like a kite blown away on a breeze. Too far away to catch. Too elusive to even see the pattern on its tail.
"Right." She folded her arms. "Anything else?" A raised eyebrow.
This isn't working. I'm not getting through. Bloody hell. Caroline racked her brain for some way to reach her. "Kate," she looked at her intensely seeking to make eye contact. She looked up. Bingo! "I know I'm not the most emotionally insightful person ever..." she saw Kate's eyes narrow slightly, "But I'm not delusional and I know that what we had together, you and I, was...incredible." She paused, searching Kate's expression for recognition, "Wasn't it?"
Kate unfolded her arms, "It doesn't really matter now, does it?"
"I think it does. You see, you made me feel more than anyone else ever had. In my whole life, Kate. And you know that. And I think you felt it too." She took a step toward her, dropped her voice, "When we made love..." she watched as Kate's eyes widened then blinked, "...we...connected. You know we did."
Kate swallowed and looked at her wide-eyed. "That's not fair, Caroline," she said quietly.
Caroline bit her lip. "It's not fair to have had that and then lost it," she said softly. She moved forward half a step and touched Kate's arm tentatively, "I know I've been...less than ideal as a partner but I..." she took a shaky breath, "...I love you Kate."
Kate took a sharp breath, opened her mouth as if to say something but then closed it again. She gazed at Caroline helplessly.
Caroline raised her hand and slowly trailed her fingers across Kate's cheek and then along her chin. "You are so beautiful."
Kate lifted her arm and caught Caroline's hand. Stopped her as her fingertips grazed her bottom lip. Took her hand and linked her fingers with her own unconsciously as she halted its journey. Caroline looked at their joined hands then back into Kate's eyes. The smoke from the bonfires of their memories combined and drifted up between them...
She was lying on her back. In Kate's bed. Kate was straddling her hips, watching her fingers against her skin as she dragged them across her midriff and up slowly...oh so slowly...toward her breast.
She watched Kate's hand on her skin. Tried to disconnect the visual from the physical and examine the two separately. The two skin tones so different. Her hand so feminine inching over her body. The gentle teasing caress. She felt like screaming it was so erotic.
Kate's hand inched its way upward. She watched Caroline watching her. Smiled seductively. Trailed her fingertips over a nipple.
"Kate."
The pace was painfully slow and now, far too gentle and Caroline couldn't take it any more. She reached out and put her hand over Kate's trying to force her to be firmer. Kate laughed, soft and low, laced her fingers in Caroline's and lifted her hand over her head.
Hands still joined she pinned Caroline's to the pillow, leaning over her, moving slowly closer. Caroline felt like she wanted to submit. Like she wanted to sit at the top of the rapids and just let herself get swept along. To give up control. To be taken.
She looked at their joined hands, then up into Kate's face. She moved toward her with the inevitability of currents and tides and leant in to capture her mouth with her own. The source of her desire. Her need.
Kate slumped back against the wall as she automatically responded to the kiss. Caroline was the magnet to Kate's metal; their bodies were the product of an irresistible force. The kite swooped and soared above the river that swept onwards, onwards, relentlessly onwards.
Caroline heard a noise that was a cross between a moan and sigh and then realised from afar that it came from her. Gasping slightly, she drew away feeling as if she'd been hanging on to the kite on its unencumbered flight through the thermals. She drew a couple of breaths, looking at Kate who seemed as affected as she was.
"God Kate...you're so...you make me feel..." She tailed off and gave a nervous laugh. "Nothing's changed, has it?"
Kate smiled sadly as she stepped to the side to put some distance between them. She smoothed her hands down her hips before saying, "No Caroline, nothing's changed." She walked around her and opened the door, standing back to clearly indicate she should leave.
Caroline gaped at her, "You want me to leave? After that?
Kate nodded, "Yes."
Caroline took a step, stopped, shook her head and then said bemusedly, "I don't get it."
"I know."
Caroline shook her head again and left. Walked back to her car again. Sat there staring sightlessly out the window.
Shipwrecked.