Author's note: I got inspired by "The Man Who Would Be King" and the rest is history. More a character piece than anything else.
I don't own anything, please review.
Before he was trapped in the ring of Holy Fire by his friends, his favourite heaven was the eternal Tuesday afternoon of an autistic man who had drowned in his bathtub in 1953.
Afterwards, it was a long stretch of road, an old car standing beside it, waiting for its owner to return; a bar in which souls flittered in and out, called by the man whose own heaven it was; an old house that had burnt down long ago; a field where two boys had once shot fireworks in the air.
Dean and Sam didn't know that their heaven was still there, left behind when they were brought back to life. Castiel hadn't known either, for a long time. And then they had found out that he had been working with Crowley, had trapped him in a ring of holy fire, Dean looking back at him with disappointment and anger and betrayal in his eyes, and he had returned to heaven desperate for something, anything to hold unto.
He had returned to the heaven of the autistic man to beg his Father for guidance; but as time had passed and no answer had come, he had realized that the once to him so utterly beautiful and calming surroundings were only reminding him of the doubts and struggles that his existence had become.
Sitting on the bench, all he could think of was Dean's trust in him, his loyalty, how he had simply refuted any argument that the angel might be no longer on their side by a simple "but it's Cas"; his face as he had left the house, Castiel still trapped in the ring of Holy Fire; Dean's words at Bobby Singer's house.
You are like a brother to me. So, if I'm asking you not to do something, you've got to trust me, man.
Humans and angels had different definitions of the word "family", and it still confused Castiel. All angels were siblings because they shared the same Father; because God had created them to be his soldiers; because that was how it was planned.
Humans, though – they, or at least most of them, did everything for their family. They cherished their family above everything else, even above God; and, strangely enough, they didn't have to be related to consider themselves family.
Somehow, Castiel had become part of the Winchester family. He had grown to love Dean and Sam as his brothers, although in a different way than his other siblings in heaven; he had even started to see Bobby as part of his family.
This strange family that had compelled him to rebel against heaven and stop the Apocalypse and doubt everything he had ever known –
The family he had lost.
There was no other way to describe it. He had known from the moment they had trapped him in the ring of Holy Fire that it was over, that everything was over.
He had returned to his favourite heaven after his talk with Dean, hoping to find some peace; but he couldn't stay in this heaven, this heaven of an utterly innocent soul, and tarnish it with his betrayal.
He knew he would have to return to Crowley eventually, he knew he had to prevent Raphael from starting the Apocalypse again at all costs, he knew he had to leave Heaven because his brother's followers would find him.
And yet he stumbled around, desperately trying to make sense of it all.
If his Father had seen all of this coming – and he must have – why had he destined Castiel to safe Dean Winchester to begin with? Everything had been easier before the Winchesters. Before the doubts. Before his fight for Free Will.
And yet he wouldn't have changed a thing if he could. It was all rather confusing, and Cas – no, not Cas, he was no longer Cas, he had been Cas for the Winchesters, and it was over, they didn't want to see him again, Dean didn't want to see him again – had never been used to being confused. Everything had always been so clear, so sure –
Somehow, while he had been struggling with his doubts yet again, and jumping from heaven to heaven –
He had come across the Winchester's.
He had known immediately that this was their heaven; the Impala alone was enough to convince him of that.
He didn't know why their heaven was still there, still waiting for them; normally the heaven of a soul was created in the moment the soul ascended into heaven.
There was every reason for Castiel to find this development suspicious, or at least intriguing. Instead, he simply found it comforting.
This wasn't Dean's and Sam's real World; this wasn't the real Impala; this wasn't truly the house Dean had spent the first four years of his life in; but it was close enough.
Close enough for Castiel to feel home again, at least.
It was empty, of course. There were no souls to occupy this heaven. And yet –
The road, the Impala, the field –
Everything that had shaped the Winchesters into what they were was here.
He couldn't see them again, he couldn't earn their trust back, but he could at least have this.
Just one little piece of them that had stayed in heaven.
From the moment he stumbled into it, this was the heaven he returned to again and again. Now and then he still visited the autistic man's because it was utterly beautiful; so calm, so tranquil, just the man on a Tuesday afternoon he had always remembered as wonderful. But this wasn't the heaven he felt most drawn to anymore.
No, he needed, desperately needed to see a dirty road and an old car.
Dean's and Sam's heaven was more realistic, colder somehow, and before he had pulled Dean out of Hell, he would never have taken a second look at it, believing it to be ordinary and somewhat disappointing – a road was hardly what he believed Father had intended Heaven to look like for anyone – but now it was all he had.
Thankfully, the other angels had yet to find it. The Winchester's heaven soon became the only place he really felt safe. There was just – their souls had created it; and there was something entirely homely about Dean's car, Sam's dog, the road that led nowhere. Castiel couldn't explain it.
More by accident than by anything else, he realized that their heaven led to another's – his name was Ash – who lived in a bar whose alcohol supply never ran out, and who had obviously known the brothers in his life time. Cas visited his heaven too from time to time, invisible, because there were other hunters there and they talked about the family he had left behind.
Far more often, though, far more often than anything, he simply found himself standing on the road, staring into the darkness. This heaven fit Dean so well; just a road he could drive on, happy memories of his family on the way...There were no demons, no memories of hunting trips, Cas could feel it.
And he very much doubted that, once Dean returned, there would be any memories of him here.
He hadn't expected the thought to – hurt so much. But it did.
They would never believe in him again; there was every chance they would never call him again.
Not Bobby. Not Sam. Not Dean.
Dean who had believed in him when the others had already realized what was going on.
Dean, who had thought up this heaven for himself where he could simply drive around the country, surrounded by those he loved.
He never stayed long, but he came to this road far more often than he should.
He shouldn't return to heaven at all. Raphael's followers were everywhere, and he could easily call his to any place he chose.
But this was all he had now.
He had to do what he must do, however. He couldn't allow Raphael to start the Apocalypse again; the Apocalypse they had fought so hard to prevent. If Raphael won, all they had done would have been for nothing. All the Winchester's sacrifices would have been for nothing.
Cas couldn't allow that. He loved Earth, he loved his Father's creation. He couldn't allow it to be destroyed. It was why he had rebelled against Heaven to begin with.
He had known from the beginning that Dean and Sam wouldn't understand why it was necessary to open Purgatory. They would think the risk to great; he could understand them, even. But it was a risk he had to take. He needed all the power he could get. Castiel was reasonably sure that his vessel would be able to contain the souls, at least as long as it took to defeat Raphael.
He was of course going to return them. So much power was not to belong to one of his Father's children. As soon as he had won the war and prevented the Apocalypse, he would reverse the ritual.
Sometimes, staring at the Impala, he fooled himself into thinking that he would get Dean to forgive him once he had.
It was impossible. The hunter would never understand, he couldn't understand. Dean was loyal to his very core, he had sold his soul so his brother would live, he had done everything he could to protect his family since he was four years old. And now part of this family had betrayed him. He would never even try to understand.
And Castiel had known that. He had known and he had done it anyway, because he had no other choice. He had to pay the price.
If it meant saving the planet and his friends and Free Will, he was more than happy to pay. Although the price was high. He only realized how high it was once he was standing on the dark road.
When he wasn't in Dean's and Sam's heaven, he was either on Earth looking for monsters or with Crowley, watching him torturing them and sometimes helping him break them. It was wrong of Man to think there was no torture in Heaven, that no angel had ever learned what it was like to torture someone. In some ways, they were better at it than demons.
He didn't want to work with one of the abominations that Hell created, but he had no choice. Crowley could not only interrogate more monsters while Castiel was searching for clues but he knew where to find them. There was a reason he had managed to become the new King of Hell. He was certainly the most intelligent demon Castiel had ever met. And therefore probably the most dangerous.
He was in Dean's and Sam's heaven once again – maybe for the last time, he couldn't keep coming back to only one part of Heaven, Raphael or one of his followers would eventually find him – when he heard Sam's prayer and realized that Crowley had kidnapped Lisa and Ben. Another part of Dean's family.
For a moment, he considered doing nothing. In the next, he hated himself for it.
He might not be part of their family anymore, but he had been once. He had to help them.
Castiel took one last look at the road. He wouldn't return, he knew it now. Another chapter closed; his last comfort gone.
He had to do what he had to do.
He left the Impala standing in the abandoned heaven, waiting for someone.
And, even though Castiel didn't admit it to himself –
Despite everything, he was still waiting for them to forgive him too.
Author's note: I absolutely love this episode. So my brain decided to write something. And who am I to deny my brain to write fanfiction if it chooses to do so?
The idea about Dean's and Sam's heaven just came to me.
I hope you liked it, please review.